Have I Wasted Twenty Years as a Homemaker?

Never call it "just a homemaker". Caring for and nurturing your children is a wonderful thing. I truly believe children benefit for it in the same way they do with a good wholesome diet. The time you spent with them will pay dividends right through their lives.

The question: have I wasted 20 years of my life as a home maker? The answer is YES. Have you spoken to your kids lately? Do they have any respect for you? Does your husband? Unless you have had a job or have worked, I hate to break the news to you, BUT no one respects you.

You could have easily have held down a part time job while your kids were growing up. You could have gone to work while your kids were in school. No kid needs a mother, at home, for twenty years.

And where are you now? You are 20 years older and what have you done for yourself? Your friends have retirement money and probably their own lives. What happens, now that the kids are grown and out of the house, your husband and you realize that you really have nothing in common. People start getting divorced right around this time. What happens if your husband dumps you? Where will you be then?

My advice, now that the 20 years are over, is for you to devote the rest of your life on yourself. Don't be waiting for the second wind of grandparenting to hit you. Decline taking care of your kids' kids and concentrate on yourself for now. or can you not do that?

Time to finally start your career. Go to school or take an adult class or train for something. Go get a job. Life is very, very long and if that photo of yours is accurate, you still look young and you still have a long way to go till you die.

The 20 years are over. You can't get them back BUT you can finally start to live your own life right NOW!!!!!

I am glad you know everything about everyone. Life is long? Life is nothing but a moment. And as far as trying to predict how long anyone will be on this planet is crazy talk.
Secondly - She hasn't wasted 20 years of her life being a homemaker. I don't know the history of the original poster, but I am sure your kids love and respect you; you were always there for them. There for them when they came home from school, there for them when they had their first crush, there for them when dinner was expected to be on the table, and there for them when they were infants and unable to care for themselves. When no one else was there for them you, MOM, were there for them.
So don't let all of this negative talk make you think you've wasted 20 years of your life.
What happens next? One day at a time happens next. God only gives you strength for one day. Do not think of the regrets of yesterday, nor the troubles that you could face tomorrow - God only gives you enough strength to handle TODAY.

-Jim

If you want something done, ask a woman. If you want something done right now, ask a busy mom that's what I say!

First, you've had a challenging job that gets very little credit from society. Running a home is akin to running a small company when you think about it. Budgeting, conflict management, resource conservation, strategic planning and plenty of marketing come with the title of homemaker. Be proud.

Now, you have time to adapt your skills and test them in another arena: the workplace. Use the same creativity you showed with the kids to recast yourself and expertise to get a job that has meaning for you and growth.

I'm betting, without knowing, that your friends probably aren't as prepared for retirement as you think. And, research suggests that boomers like us are redefining work so that we kinda never retire.

And yes, many midlife couples find that the transition from parenthood to boomerhood (my term for being a boomer,empty nester)stresses their marriage to the breaking point. Talking and asking questions of yourself and your spouse is the best way I know (after 17 years as a mediator) to stay connected. That's what my group does.

You picked the perfect time to envision and plan your future. It may be scary so get some support and help.

Best wishes--
CuriousDina
This Marriage Thing Group
http://www.tbd.com

Since I'm the one who started the thread, I figured I'd better keep an even keel and not get defensive. So I'm thinking the person who wrote it (whom I hope will register!) is someone you can rely on not to sugarcoat things.

That being said, there are a couple of things I didn't mention in the initial posting. I did have a couple of jobs that I didn't stay at.

I think the reason I didn't stick with more than two years of substitute teaching was that not only was it a soul-killer, but the money I made was just a splash in the family finances. If and when I take another job we are going to save the whole paycheck. I guess that getting a decent paycheck requires putting more time in.

I've noticed something that never gets talked about. Maybe it is up to me to bring it out:

I do lots of emotional work that needs to be done. I take what someone is angry about and get them to articulate it. Then I listen and help them feel loved even though they're angry.

I've learned that my family of origin is pretty narcissistic and that we have shells around our hearts that don't let emotion through, and I'm starting to understand how to negotiate that.

I've learned how not to let others' problems be mine, and how to support people by helping them be seen and recognized instead of stereotyped and labeled.

Still...the above posters are right. All of them.

Sometimes it appears that the days of being able to get a job, because I had the piece of paper in my hand, are over and I'm going to have to fight for what I want.

Well I am 28 and I have 2 kids and their teachers have no idea who I am...Yeah they know they have a mom because someone signs the checks and gets them there. I work full time and so does my husband...when my son was 5 and my daughter was born I was able to stay at home with them but only for a short while, and let me tell you I miss it so much. I grew up with a mom that worked full time and let me tell you it stunk!!

So take pride in what you have done for your famiy and mostly your kids because nothing beats being able to be the one who can say that they are a stay at home mom.

Another thing to add I have been working full time for the last 3 years and my family and I are going to relocate and that means that I can stay at home with my kids full time it's not going to be until this fall but I can hardly wait!!

I hope this make you feel better!!!

You are not a happy person inside yourself. The way you critize this woman.

I feel compelled to comment on "just being a homemaker" since I have some insight on the flip-side of the coin. My wife and I didn't have children (although she wanted to) but she is a successful businesswoman. Recently the decision not to have children has become a huge issue for both of us and we regret the decision immensely. In other words, we/I would gladly trade the careers and money for the family because that is ultimately where security and happiness lie.

"we/I would gladly trade the careers and money for the family because that is ultimately where security and happiness lie."

I'm not sure how old you are but do not rule out adoption, including international adoption.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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I'm starting to see something.

There is a voice inside me (don't know if you'll experience it the same way) that tells you whatever you've done is wrong. It's a mean voice!

Listen to the voice of love.

I struggle to remain connected with my teenagers. When I speak from the critical voice, they get defensive. Now I'm trying my damdest to speak to them from love.

We'll all find our way. You'll see.

Who's to say you might not have had children, and felt the joys, only to have your own weaknesses sever the relationship. You just never know. I think you've probably been a blessing to others in your life, including children.

Well done Jim

I have stayed at home for 15yrs workded little from home and I can tell you it is not wasted. You become very in tune with your children they begin to rely on you yes but what is a mother for. It may have been lonley at times but made plenty of friends via kids/college
My children went to nursery aged 5 and 8 holiday club and hated it. they have much more freedom at home . The caring professions are so under valued in our society dump kids in nursery old folks in homes and Have a ball yourself sorry no, if you can care then do so only You will love your children not some stranger, hey guess what I have also learned a lot in those 15 yrs bookwork, internet womens health issues , Teenage Years, parenting skills/teaching, and now working part time again in my old profession so Good luck You will find yourself again. And Well Done for the HARD WORK OVER LAST 20YRS.!

I "sacrificed" my last 20 years being at home with my children, too. Granted I worked part-time here and there, and even attempted working full-time these past two years, but now I am back at home full-time, not necessarily because I want to (don't get me wrong...I love being the boss lady holding my household together), but because I NEED to be home. My three teenaged kids are at an extremely critical time in their lives where they need full support from me and my husband...I mean HANDS-ON SUPPORT, not just emotional support. While working full-time recently, I realized that, sure, I could do the 9-5 thing, but at a time when my daughter was about to leave home for good to go to college, my high school son was struggling hard in school,needing lots of homework help and my youngest son was needing someone to get him to his sport practices three days a week 20 miles away, it wasn't the time for me to focus on myself just yet. At 46 years old, I realize I will eventually need to reinvent myself when I do decide it's time to get back into the work world. In the meantime, I am enjoying every bit of the sacrifice years I am devoting to my kids as their "manager". When will I ever get to do it again in my life? My daughter is now a freshman at Stanford, my older son is a junior in high school with over a 4.0 gpa and several college soccer coaches looking to recruit him, and my youngest son is in junior high with straight A's and dreams to be a famous musician. None of them are involved in alcohol or drugs, (yes, I know that for sure, because we talk about everything)and I know all of their friends and who they talk to online. I am proud to be the one right there, giving them their "wings". My husband truly understands the importance of my being home right now and has taken on a second job to make it happen. Our kids are the most important in the world to us and my husband and I have an understanding that our time alone together will be here before we know it when the kids are grown. In the meantime, the time I am sacrificing is in fact my investment to the future of our family. I admit the thought of having to reinvent myself soon is actually very scary, but at the same time exciting, and I'm looking forward to it!

Hi Lisa,

I LOVE what you said about the things you're good at. Helping people articulate their emotions, listening to them and helping them "feel loved even though they're angry," supporting people "by helping them be seen and recognized instead of stereotyped and labeled" - wow, that's quite a battery of serious, heavy-duty skills.

I can see why it may seem to you that these skills are overlooked in today's workplace, but it really depends on where you are looking. Your standard corporate environment probably won't place such a heavy emphasis on them, but I'm guessing that that's not the environment you'd like to be in anyway.

I think that the key question here is, what IS it that you want? Depending on that, your fight may or may not be hard.

Best,

Izabella Tabarovsky
www.projectcreativevision.com
"Your partner in career exploration and transition"

Lisa- One more thing. Your success story is yet to unfold before your eyes. The morals you have placed in your children, as you raised them, will blossom as they grow and you will be so proud of them. And when you feel those moments when you are proud for them, feel proud for yourself for you have nurtured them into who they are.
No mother should ever feel they have wasted away time when they instill values that can be passed onto generations far beyond your lifetime.

-Jim

P.S. There will also be times, as we all know, that they will seek your advise throughout their lives. I am 42 and still seek 'growth' advise from my MOM. ; )

MOM - The indispensable position.

"our success story is yet to unfold before your eyes. The morals you have placed in your children, as you raised them..."

It's impossible to measure the impact you've had with your family and Jimmy is exactly right in his comment above.

There are different paths for different people and there are some who choose to work and others that choose to stay at home. Both can succeed and of course both can have not-so-good results.

In my family, my mother stayed at home until I was in 4th or 5th grade at which point she went to work. I got the benefit of a mother at home during those critical years and then our family got the benefit of a 2nd income in the later years.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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NO!!! I always hated going to a dinner function for for my husbands work and getting the "So what do you do for a living?"! I once had to restrain myself from turning to my husband and asking if people knew we were married with children. But even better the first time someone asked me "So what do you do ?", I honestly felt confused by the question and making myself look REAL good I responded "Do ?"! Real swift. I'll never forget the way other women looked at me when I told them I was a stay at home Mom, Kinda like the look Clint Eastwood got before taking out a criminal. As a matter of fact as I know it,you are more likely to have other women treat you like a trader to the race over this which is a shame. I have never had any greater joy or pain than I have being a mother and I wouldn't trade it for the world! My husband gave me the greatest gift anyone has ever given me by supporting our family so I could be home with my babies. Don't get me wrong there are always financial worries and lots of hard work involved but thats anything. I'm proud of my life. Now my children are 17 and 13 and I've decided to go back to school and start a whole new chapter of my life knowing I've done and am doing the best I know how.You just need to be proud of your decisions and set some new goals now that you're able to. Find your new nitch! You'll be scared to death but its a wonderful scare. Oh, and go to ameriprise.com and order a free financial planning booklet. I did and it made things so much more doable. Course thats anything - the more info you have the better prepared you are. You know kinda like being scared of the dark , turn on the light and laugh in relief!! P.S. Bet I met that one at a dinner function!!

From one stay at home (for over 20 years!) to another. Look at it this way, you can have the joy of having both worlds. Twenty years being a loving, in the trenches mom, AND 20 years of working outside the home, if you chose. Those that worked when children were small (or in need) cannot turn back the clock. Which might explain the defensive and offensive, bitter stance of the "know it all poster".

NO do overs in life. Their regrets are usually immense.......when MLC urges lurk. They cannot recapture what will never pass by again.

Remember, to not put too much self pressure on MONEY, in choosing what to do with yourself now.........MONEY isn't the "be all" thing some see it as. Unless of course you need the money.

To begin get more involved in something YOU enjoy.....that alone often leads to a second career choice. Join groups involved in what you are.......don't expect to dive into "the other side" tiptoe, and test the waters. See if you like the "view", you have the rest of your life to decide what makes you happy and fullfilled, now that the hardest job in the world is done. Good Luck

The basis for all this questioning, I suppose, comes from the era when I was growing up. I took in all of what was being said on TV, on shows like Donahue and in magazines like MS. and Cosmopolitan, which I read a lot of to relieve my curiosity and boredom from living in a small town. The big message of the seventies was, "You don't have to be one of those stupid housewives like our mothers were. We can go out and have careers, and forget about depending on some man to support you. Your kids don't need you there all day, so go out and forge a career. That will make you equal to men. After all, the only difference between men and women is the piece of flesh between their legs."

I've kind of condensed it all into one statement and it might seem like exaggeration, but that was really the message. Gloria Steinem. Helen Gurley Brown. Erica Jong. Golda Meir. There were a lot of women fighting this battle for women's emancipation. My mom was a homemaker, and as a teenager I had the usual battle to break off from my family identity, right at the same time.

But then when it came to actually having my kids, and not having a good career set up anyway, I followed my heart and loved being there. I did the playgroups and babysitting co-ops, went to the school functions and all that. I have been glad not to have to juggle work and supporting my kids. I have learned that for one person to get far, others have to support them. I've been okay in the support role.

But then...at age 43 I get hit by multiple issues and I question my choices, and for the life of me it looks like I got lazy and let myself get lost, damn me. That's what it felt like. I don't want to talk myself out of it or pretend it's not so. What I want to do is consider my losses and let that make me a deeper person.

I'm so lucky I have a lot of health and vitality. I have a good vantage point for looking around. There's volunteer work, projects to try, associations and connections to make...

There are tradeoffs in life.

thanks, anonymous posters, for the encouragement. Some posters tell you what you don't want to but might need to hear, and others warm your heart with encouragement and support. I'll go to ameriprise.com.

"I don't want to talk myself out of it or pretend it's not so. What I want to do is consider my losses and let that make me a deeper person."

Very cool. Very smart.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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Just to take a survey. I read a quote from an anonymous poster who used the term "doesn't have a job and sponges off her husband." Because, on the one hand if a woman is able-bodied and has time in the day, shouldn't she have a job? But on the other hand, where is it written that every adult must get a paycheck? I'm asking it. What do you think?

In your opinion, is it sponging if a wife doesn't work?

No.

Even economists have learned to factor in the unpaid productivity of working wives. That said, I differentiate a wife that sits around watching soap operas from one that is busy raising kids and running the household. And, to be honest, I don't know a single stay-at-home mother that sits around and watches TV. They might exist, I just don't know any. Back to your question, not working is not necessarily sponging.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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I spent 25 years raising children and helping my husband get his business started. He he traveled a lot, and as the children got bigger, I spent more and more time working at his business--a business I had no affinity for. I really thought we were building something together, but one of our kids got into trouble and he blamed me for it, although several counsellors and therapists told him I was not at fault.
Meanwhile our business started losing a lot of money, but he kept thinking things would get better and told me I was just being negative. The next thing I knew, he was writing love poems to another woman and telling me he wanted a divorce. We have to sell our house to pay our debts, I have no employment history, and now, no marriage. I can't sleep at night and I think about suicide several times a day.
It's funny--I married him because I thought I had finally found someone who was as loyal as me. I should have paid attention to my own wants, needs and feelings.

If things went wrong, that could be me. My husband works for a large company but if he quit, I'd have to go out and take what I could get. Substitute teaching.

I'm hoping you will find a way not to dwell in your thoughts too much. I do it too. I try to ask myself what the purpose of that thinking is, and sometimes it's a useful thing, like an action I can take that's doable. Other times it's just designed to keep me feeling horrible. And when That happens I try to remember that those are only thoughts and brain chemicals. But...we all have different ways of coping.

What do you like to do? You can do that and use that time to be present at that, and it helps give you a break from the depression.

I KNOW you can find a sustainable future for yourself.