The Midlife Crisis Excuse

I sometimes feel like this is used as an excuse to be selfish, no-committal and cruel to your spouse. My husband is still young at 34 but seems to think he is suffering from a mid-life crisis - now he doesn't want children, wants to have more FUN (which means drinking with co-workers at any opportunity) and doesn't really know if after 7 years of living with me and 3 years of marriage if he truly wants to be married anymore. I am hurt beyond belief but I am also angry as hell. I feel this is an excuse to act like a teenager - forget about your responsibilities and totally disregard your wife's feelings, future etc.. Women really have the short end of the stick in this world. Am I wrong?

A few years ago my husbands father was killed in a car accident. At the same exact same time he was going through a career change that involved him working in a town that is about an hour away. His new job has been very high stress. He has had to get to know and associate with a lot of wealthy people who live lifestyles that appear to be luxurious. That is not our background...we are very much middle class. His job also requires him to be around a lot of college age kids whose lives seem to be footloose and fancy free. His job caused him to have to spend the night away from home more than he had before. Additionally, he came into a large sum of money recently. We are used to a lifestyle that is comfortable...but not a life of luxury by any stretch. We are in our mid to late thirties, have been married 14 years and have three children. Though our marriage has seen its share of usual couple stress that is brought on by bills, dual-careers, busyness and fatigue, I have considered it to be fairly healthy with a lot of potential to get better.

After my husbands father died, he started doing things that were out of character. These things started out small and not so often but grew to bigger things and began happening more and more. He started developing an attitude with me that seemed almost like that of a rebelious teenager. He developed relationships that did not seem healthy to me...texting one particular single female coworker ofted and late at night (discovered on phone bill). I discovered he was involved in viewing and downloading pornography on to his computer, ipod, phone. Though it seemed excessive to me as he had viewed one of the clips more than 200 times according to the counter on his media player on his computer, he laughed it off as goofy entertainment. He promised he would stop looking at it, but I continued to find it in places. He agreed to go to marital couseling with me which we did for several months, but I always got the picture that he was just going along and waiting on the counseling to fix me...like he had no real problems. I discovered by way of phonecall recieved by pocket-dialing that his friends had a very poor opinion of me. When I told my husband about what I heard his friends say about me on the phone, he did nothing about it. I expected him to come to my defense. He did not. He said he could not get to harsh on the friend who had been talking about me because he was actually just repeating things that had been told to him by my husband. So he started being very disloyal. About 10 months ago, I discovered that he was having an affair with a person who had worked with him prior to moving to another city. She had no children and was 10 years younger than me. I am sure it started at least on an emotional level while they worked together and then just continued on to something physical after she moved. To my surprise, I was gracious to him during this time...trying to justify and make excuses in my head for his bad and unfaithful behavior. About 2 months after the initial discovery, he broke it off with her and apologized to me and said he wanted to work things out and stay married. I was happy to hear this even though I was going through gut-wrenching pain. I believe in God's ability to perform miracles and that love covers a multitude of sins and was desperate to hold things together for my children who love their Daddy very much. Things seemed to be going smoothly...I was praying myself silly for healing and reconciliation and trying everything I could to be a more desireable woman for him. Things seemed to be rocking along as well as could be expected and then on our youngest son's first birthday he told me that he needed a separation to figure out what he wanted to do. I protested and did everything I could to get him to stay, but two weeks later he was gone. I later found out that he had been involved with another woman again. This time she was just five years younger. I was really stumped when I found out that she had three children that were actually younger than ours. He was already involved with her when he said he needed a separation...in fact, I later found out that he became involved with her less than two weeks after our 14th anniversary where he gave me a card telling me he loved me and that we would be together forever... Other things to mention is that in the last 11 months he has purchased three motorcycles and in the last 5 months he has gotten three tatoos. Additionally, two weeks before Christmas he told me he did not know how were were going to buy Christmas presents for the kids because he didn't have any money and also did not know how we would pay our taxes (he has a large securities account). I was puzzled when he came driving up to our house a week later in a new Mercedes. He did not get rid of his other vehicle which was only a year old and already paid for. So he has two cars now. After that, I found it necessary to file for divorce. I had been praying for a miricle and reconciliation...but felt a sudden urgency to separate myself from him legally as he seemed to be caught up in irrational decision making. During this time of rebellion against his family, he has become a perpetual liar and a total disappointment. He has withdrawn from all the people who love him most...me and the kids, his mom, his sister, my family...all of those who have been most supportive in his life.

I am not a perfect person. I have been trying everything I can to become better than I have ever been. I have developed a very close relationship with the Lord and have tried to make changes that matter on the inside. I have offered forgiveness and extended grace to my husband. However, my husband basically blames me for all of this. He says if I hadn't been the way I was that he wouldn't have done these things. He even told me in a text message one time that I was just as responsible for his actions as he was. He says I was controlling. I have apologized for coming across that way, but have assured that I only took charge of things out of love for him. He didn't like confrontation or dealing with the details of life...so that left me to do it. I have always been faithful and loyal to him and though I have been miserable at times because I felt ignored, unappreciated and invisible to him, I never gave up hope.

Prior to his father's death he was a totally different person. He was very respected by the people who knew him...not because of anything material, but because he was such a good person. He eximplified high standards, good character and good morals. He was trustworthy and honest and loved his family more than anything else. He hated confrontation and did everything he could to keep from hurting someones feelings. He was an awesome person. It seems that everything he once was, he is not any more and doesn't want to be again.

Do you think he is going through a mid life crisis? Thirty-seven seems a little young for that to me...but maybe. What do you think?

As I was reading your story my heart went out to you and I felt every pain. My husband is 42 years old and is going through the exact same thing and blames me for it. The only thing that I can do is keep praying for him and start to take care of myself. So, I believe that the choice you made was hopefully something that God has led you to do and not your flesh. I heard someone say that this MLC is often referred as male menopause. Who knows, I don't want to try and figure out... why? because my husband left me with 4 children and pregnant with another. He does not want anymore responsibility, its almost like he wants to be the child and not the responsible parent. So I let him go so that he could see that the grass is not greener on the other side and how chaotic his life would be without order. God Bless You and your Children.