My Spouse is Cheating; Infidelity stories and advice

Amen, at last a good reply!!!!!! Lizl South Africa

When I met my husband no one thought in a million years he would ever cheat on me well we were all dead wrong. 7 months in we got into a fight and after something told me to look in his phone which I have never done before and sure enough there it was right in front of my face. When I confronted him about it he came right out and admitted it. I fought to keep our marriage because even though I was hurt, beyond hurt there is no words to describe the pain you feel when his happens to you, I still loved my husband. At first he said it was over between us and he wasnt in love with me anymore and he didnt want to "be with" the other girl but he did want to continue to have sex with her and have a good time with her. After a couple of weeks he finally said he wanted to do whatever it took to make his marriage work and he would never cheat on me again. It was hard but we were trying. I was left with the daily hurt and feeling of not being good enough all the things that come along with being cheated on and things started to look better for us. I thought things were really looking and we were going to pull through and thats when it happened again yup again. And this was on mothers day weekend not even 3 months after the first affair (happy mothers day, right?) Oh I forgot to mention the first time was with a dirty stripper but this time it was with one of hes ex-girlfriends. This one was just a once and done thing (well at least I think who knows what would of happened if he didnt get caught). After this affair he was all about working on our marriage and saying he cant live without me. From the second he got caught he was very upset. But how could someone say they love you and do something like this to you and then even do it a second time??? Needless to say we are still together we just had our one year anniversary. It is still a struggle staying together I still have those "bad thoughts" everyday that just make you feel like theres no hope and asking myself what do you do stay together or the big "D word" Everyday is a battle I know I love him I mean I would have to in order to stay affair not one but two affairs. And he says he loves me more then anything and couldnt live without me. He says that was it and he will never do it again, that was about 3 months ago so now we are just living one day at a time trying to get over it but I am scared that I WILL NEVER GET OVER IT! Please help me in my journey if you have any words of wisdom to someone who feels lost in life with a cheating husband.

When I met my husband no one thought in a million years he would ever cheat on me well we were all dead wrong. 7 months in we got into a fight and after something told me to look in his phone which I have never done before and sure enough there it was right in front of my face. When I confronted him about it he came right out and admitted it. I fought to keep our marriage because even though I was hurt, beyond hurt there is no words to describe the pain you feel when his happens to you, I still loved my husband. At first he said it was over between us and he wasnt in love with me anymore and he didnt want to "be with" the other girl but he did want to continue to have sex with her and have a good time with her. After a couple of weeks he finally said he wanted to do whatever it took to make his marriage work and he would never cheat on me again. It was hard but we were trying. I was left with the daily hurt and feeling of not being good enough all the things that come along with being cheated on and things started to look better for us. I thought things were really looking and we were going to pull through and thats when it happened again yup again. And this was on mothers day weekend not even 3 months after the first affair (happy mothers day, right?) Oh I forgot to mention the first time was with a dirty stripper but this time it was with one of hes ex-girlfriends. This one was just a once and done thing (well at least I think who knows what would of happened if he didnt get caught). After this affair he was all about working on our marriage and saying he cant live without me. From the second he got caught he was very upset. But how could someone say they love you and do something like this to you and then even do it a second time??? Needless to say we are still together we just had our one year anniversary. It is still a struggle staying together I still have those "bad thoughts" everyday that just make you feel like theres no hope and asking myself what do you do stay together or the big "D word" Everyday is a battle I know I love him I mean I would have to in order to stay affair not one but two affairs. And he says he loves me more then anything and couldnt live without me. He says that was it and he will never do it again, that was about 3 months ago so now we are just living one day at a time trying to get over it but I am scared that I WILL NEVER GET OVER IT! Please help me in my journey if you have any words of wisdom to someone who feels lost in life with a cheating husband.

When I met my husband no one thought in a million years he would ever cheat on me well we were all dead wrong. 7 months in we got into a fight and after something told me to look in his phone which I have never done before and sure enough there it was right in front of my face. When I confronted him about it he came right out and admitted it. I fought to keep our marriage because even though I was hurt, beyond hurt there is no words to describe the pain you feel when his happens to you, I still loved my husband. At first he said it was over between us and he wasnt in love with me anymore and he didnt want to "be with" the other girl but he did want to continue to have sex with her and have a good time with her. After a couple of weeks he finally said he wanted to do whatever it took to make his marriage work and he would never cheat on me again. It was hard but we were trying. I was left with the daily hurt and feeling of not being good enough all the things that come along with being cheated on and things started to look better for us. I thought things were really looking and we were going to pull through and thats when it happened again yup again. And this was on mothers day weekend not even 3 months after the first affair (happy mothers day, right?) Oh I forgot to mention the first time was with a dirty stripper but this time it was with one of hes ex-girlfriends. This one was just a once and done thing (well at least I think who knows what would of happened if he didnt get caught). After this affair he was all about working on our marriage and saying he cant live without me. From the second he got caught he was very upset. But how could someone say they love you and do something like this to you and then even do it a second time??? Needless to say we are still together we just had our one year anniversary. It is still a struggle staying together I still have those "bad thoughts" everyday that just make you feel like theres no hope and asking myself what do you do stay together or the big "D word" Everyday is a battle I know I love him I mean I would have to in order to stay affair not one but two affairs. And he says he loves me more then anything and couldnt live without me. He says that was it and he will never do it again, that was about 3 months ago so now we are just living one day at a time trying to get over it but I am scared that I WILL NEVER GET OVER IT! Please help me in my journey if you have any words of wisdom to someone who feels lost in life with a cheating husband.

I am so sorry that you are in such a tough spot. Once a spouse takes lover, I think it is next to impossible for the remaining spouse to rise up to the excitement and thrill of the affair(s). That was the case in my situation.

And to make it worse, demi-celebs like Gov. Sanford, Sandra Tsing Loh, and Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat Pray Love) add to the drama and allure of the affair.

I should have been born 50 years ago... this is not my time. Please take care of yourself.

sam_in_la

I just found out that my wife used a site called Classmates.com to track down an old flame. A few months of emails, then text messages, then chat and finally meeting in person. It's escalated to sex. I had my suspicions but chose to not follow up on them and then in a moment of weakness checked her computer out and put the entire picture together. I'm numb, angry, ashamed, sad, mad and I don't know what. Our sex has been great but now I can't even think of that. Who wants seconds? We have no children so we don't have that complication. I'm not even sure how to ask for advice since I don't really know what I want other than for it to have been 24 hours ago when I had no clue.

It's time to take stock and get advice.

Your father modeled for you the way a husband acts and the way a marriage works. It's probably no accident that you married someone just like Dad.

Now think about your children - is this what you want them to learn about marriage and family life? That men cheat and lie and women just put up with it? That a woman's and mother's only role is to be mistreated by the one she loves? Would you want this life for your children? Would you allow anyone to do this to them? No? Then why are you demonstrating that the way your husband treats you is acceptable?

Also, forgive me but I think your view of life is rather skewed if you are staying in this marriage just because you think the "pool" of available men is small and you don't want to date again. Life isn't - or shouldn't be - all about finding a man. Think about your other option - being single and being able to concentrate on what matters to you, the kids. Hopefully they don't mistreat you like your husband does.

Yes, I have been there, but without kids. My mother went through it too. Here's a quote that helped me deal with the situation:

"No one is going to save you, you've got to save yourself. No one is going to give you anything; you've got to go out and get it. No one knows what you want except you. And no one will be as sorry as you if you don't get it."

WELL IS BAD I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DONT WANT TO LEAVE HIM BECAUSE IS HARD!!! BUT THIS MAN IS NOT CHEATING ON YOU BECAUSE HE TELL YOU EVERYTHING HE DOES SO YOU KNOW WHATS GOING ON!! FORGET THE CHEATING IT SOUNDS LIKE HE BELITTLES YOU AND THAT MY FRIEND IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU OR ANY OF YOUR KIDS!!! WHAT DO YOU RATHER HAVE THE KIDS SEE YOU SUFFER ALL THE TIME OR BE ALONE BUT HAPPY AND IN PEACE?? YOU ARE WORTH MUCH MORE THAN THAT!!! GIVE YOUR SELF A CHANCE FOR LIFE AGAIN AND YOU KNOW WHAT ONCE HE SEE'S YOU DONING GOOD HE'S GOING TO REGRET ALL THAT HE DID TO YOU TRUST ME!!!!

I really thank you for your comments they were very encouraging. I know that God is yet still in control. My 4 year old was walking through the house a couple of days ago singing a song that we often sing in church, "God is in Control of My Life". They are a blessing and my top priority is to ensure that they are trained up in the way that they should go. My little one consistently looks for his dad as well as my niece. When we leave the house and come home he asks if he's here as well as my niece looking for his car in the driveway. My parents separated when I was only 6 months old and all my life I wondered what it would have been like to come home to both parents. My mother loved my father and he her, but he too couldn't stop cheating. Ultimately he loved other women more than he loved his 5 girls. All of my sisters have had horrible relationship problems with men. My father passed away almost 4 years ago with many regrets of not being with us. Although he loved us, he had lots of problems dealing with my mom who I'm very similar to at the same point in her life. We missed out on a lot of things because my mother chose to leave my father and sometimes we ask her why didn't she have enough faith to believe that he would change. I truly love my husband but I don't know if he wants to change.

I haven't been in this situation.

So I just wanted to ask you, what is it about you that let this man stay when he was unfaithful to you? Do you not believe yourself as worthy to have someone be faithful to you?

I know that my worth is more than it's weight in gold. I'm a christian woman and this is my second marriage. I thought that I was doing everything that my husband wanted from a wife. He never wanted for sex any way at anytime he wanted it, he got it. I guess that I got so caught up in ensuring that the children were taken care of, our finances were taken care of as well as both of our careers. We are both professional with bachelors degrees with 12(me) and 13(him) years at our companies. I don't want to do the dating thing again. The pool of eligible men are shrinking dramatically and I don't want to put my kids through anymore stepparent issues.

Sorry. I think just coming here to LifeTwo is a step in undergoing the changes you are going through. It's helped me a lot! People like me, who haven't gotten cheated on, always say they'd just leave right away. But people who have been with a cheating spouse say it's not that easy, especially where kids are concerned.

I've also observed in my life that a wife or husband can be great, beautiful, caring, etc. and if the spouse wants to cheat, they will. So, God Bless!

LA

To the original poster - The pool of "good" men is not shrinking so don't feel the clock is running out on you. I was a good man that got the boot last October. 23 years of naval service with multiple overseas deployments and not ONCE was I unfaithful to my wife. So slow down. You speak a bit about sex as well. A successful relationship does not revolve around sex soley, it revolves around everything else. If the only thing we live for in a relationship is sex, then Lord help us as we grow older. If you are a Christian as you say, use your faith and the fellowship of the church to help. I am 42 and I know the 'clock is running' but you know what's #1 to me? My two boys. God will guide me to another spouse when He feels the time is right; but for now my boys are my priority. Your legacy lies with your children. Use strong character to show them how mom gets through the tough times. What you do in this life defines your role in His Kingdom. This life is nothing but a breath compared to the eternity we have with Him. Mr. Right will come, but just don't go looking for him. Don't rush what God has planned for you.

-Jim

I wanted to advise you/encourage you NOT to give up on your husband. And YES, he can change. Your husband will and can change even if he does not want to. All it takes is faith and patience. If you love your husband, please do not make the mistake of leaving him. Keep praying the LORD will answer your prayers. But it will be in his timing and not ours. Continue praying, remain faithful to the Lord and patience. I was married to my husband who drank and smoked and could be a very good husband to me and very loving. He always complimented me and made me feel good about myself but when he drank he could be totally different. I'm a Christian and he was not. I prayed for him. And even though people would tell me that he would not change unless he wanted to, I would still pray at night knowing that my God was more powerful than that and that he could overcome anything even if my husband did not want to change. But guess what through the process, and even though God had always answered all of my prayers, soon sooner than others, I started to believe this ONE prayer was not going to be answered. I left my husband. About a month after that he got very sick and was diagnosed with Kidney infection/failure. We started talking again but still separated, I was taking him to his Dr. appointments. He was under Dialysis and really suffering. Just everything was going wrong with him. I prayed for his health. Well he passed away going on 4 months ago. But I want to share with you, before he died. He had stopped drinking and smoking without going to any programs. I can testify, It Was the LOrd's making. And about a month before he passed away he had started going to church. One day he went to the altar and surrendered his life to the Lord. I'm in Awe and it gives me such joy just knowing that my husband was saved before he passed away and that I will see him again. But most importantly, The Lord DID answer my prayer once again. It just wasn't in my timing but in the Lord's timing. So don't give up no matter how hard things get. It's the enemy attacking. Don't make the same mistake I did by leaving your husband. Sorry I wrote so much, I just feel the Lord is using me to help other marriages. I usually don't go into the internet and read this kind of stuff but today I was lead to your comment for a reason. Lots of Blessings.

so whats the beeg deal if i cheat but stay with her - all g

I just learned that the "one less" commercial about the human papilloma virus that causes cervical cancer, for which there is now a vaccine, could also be used to prevent some types of ORAL CANCER that can be spread by...how would a guy get the cervical cancer virus into his mouth?

Oh yeah, what was I saying. Oh, there's nothing wrong with cheating as long as you stay married...whatever...

I will keep you in my prayers. You have completely missed the meaning of marriage.

'Cause I was being sarcastic.

If your husband does not want to get help then he will probably never change. I am a \ private investigator and I see it all the time. It's like the old saying goes... Once a cheater always a cheater. Unless you get professional help!

I thank you for your post. Great post!

My heart is broken...I cannot for the life of me fatham the thought of my husband of 20 yrs. screwing another woman. It makes me want to barf. Yet, on his cell phone...I found messeges that said, I want to see you in your night gown, and i miss your kisses, etc. I love you,hottie,sweetie... (She (the other woman) apparently also has a husband and she is divorcing, because she mentions "need not to worry, Charles is out of my life for sure,now.) We have two kids together ages 13 and 16. They hate my husband(thier dad.) I worry what this may do to them and thier future relationships. Yet, I feel rejection,fear,low self-esteem and lack... there of... in many ways. My coping skills are such, that I feel like a weak person.Yet, I am an attractive dark haired/blue eyed woman who could probably get whomever I wanted...if I wanted them badly enough...but that is just not my bag. I have to love or care deeply for someone in order to sleep w/them. I do not know what to do...stay in the hurt or get out and be alone. Thanks' Janet

My wife reveled in the pain her affair was causing me. She too started with the chatrooms. Anger faded to utter disgust and then our marriage was no more. She went from being my wife to becoming somone else's slut. Live with her? I never wanted to touch her again.

I don't think that a hop in the sack with someone other than your spouse is worth losing family, spouse, self-respect. The funny thing is that cheating never results in happiness for the one doing the cheating.

The sleazy person that they stepped out with moves on to someone else.

You need serious help. Start with yourself, and then look outward for the person /people who have the values and morals as yourslef, right now, that is what you have and HE will never be faithful, it is not expected of him, it is not even expected by you, obviously~!

After 16 years of marriage, I caught my wife cheating on me with a complete stranger. She used Craigs List for Chatroom for Adults. I can not describe the anger I feel towards her. I love my wife dearly and take my vows to my grave. I really do not know what to do. When questioned she told me, It was a game. Just sex. How is it a game to destroy ones heart. To know that she was touched by another. I cry daily, hurt has really taken on new meaning.

Part of me says to leave but I can not. The love I have for my three children, will not allow me to leave them in her hands. If she can hurt me, then she would not have any qualms about devastating their lives as well. I just do not understand and have no one to talk to about this.

unfortunately my husband stayed sober for about 30days. with the drinking comes all the lies, heart ache, and bs. don't know what i am going to do. i wish i would wake up tomorrow and not be in love with him. any ideas on how i can make that happen?

Yes, we can. To the 25yr old poster - please do not lump all of us men together. There are still some of us Men who actually know how to understand, appreciate and respect when we have everything we need and want, and have a good woman. We then know how to stay put and be faithful.

Hell, where was the original poster in this thread when I was getting married. From her story on how she handled her marriage, she seems an ideal partner, and someone that I would have been blessed and honored to have met.

Fighting my own set of demons at this time; I would like to ask the same question of the opposite sex - Can women be faithful? and why has the idea, meaning and importance of a married relationship been thrown into such confusion. Why in hell do you tell someone that "you do", when you know deep down inside that your ignorant behind is really saying I DO only if it stays good for me?

Cheating is the ultimate betrayal in marriage and I believe that should the behavior or action not be warranted; serious consequences should be levied on the offending spouse. Spoken like someone who has been cheated on before right? Yes -you are right!

I understand your whole story. I read it all, and it's very sad. However, the good news is you can do something about it. You can leave him. If he's been cheating your whole married life, chances are he was cheating before that. This is who he is. You have to decide to either live with it and "settle" or leave and probably be happier (eventually) without him. To me it's not even a choice. I love my husband with all my heart, but infidelity is a definite dealbreaker for me. Since I'm not the kind of person who could forgive it and get over it and never throw it up in his face again, I know I'd be better off leaving him. I think you would, too. The reason he cheats is because you let him. There's a quote by someone, and I forget who said it - maybe Dr. Phil - "People treat you the way you LET THEM treat you." If you tolerate what he does, he's gonna keep doing it, and there's no sense in complaining about it. Something has to change - and unfortunately it's gonna have to be you. I know this sounds harsh, but you deserve better (we all do) and since he's not gonna give it to you, you have to go out and get it for yourself!

Here we go again. Oprah raising "the other women" up on a pedestal. And the opener on the home page suggests:

Could open marriages be better? When Divorce is best.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/staticslideshowoprah.aspx?cp-docu...

The "Other Woman" Speaks Out Sadly, you can often read about the philandering spouse or the wronged partner. You don't always hear from the partner in crime. Oprah gets four women to open up about their roles as "other women".

My wife and I are Christians who have always had a deep friendship and strong faith. We've not been without our issues, but we always seemed to work things out because of our faith.

Almost 2 weeks ago, my wife confessed to me that about 7 years ago (about our 19th year of marriage) she had a year-long affair with a man nearly 20 years younger than her - she just 40, he about 20.

All the excuses were the ones we all hear - "it didn't mean anything" - "it was only sex" - "it was the thrill of sneaking around" etc.

She had had a couple of obsessions prior to this - none that ever led to sex. But in this case, she was the instigator. She explained that she has no idea who "that woman" was back then - that she is a totally different woman today. She felt it was time to clear the air and confess so that we could move on with honesty.

This hurt me deeply, as you can imagine. But it also left me feeling convicted because at just about the same time, I had been engaged in an ONLINE affair for about the same length of time. My excuses included things such as "suspicious of her, so I wanted to get even" - and - "we were not connecting sexually at the time" etc.

As a Christian I have always believed that an affair of the heart is the same in God's eyes as a physical affair. But, to be honest, it does not FEEL that way. I feel angry, hurt, deceived - all of it. Since the confession, we have had sex twice, though she advanced three time. The first time she offered was the very next night and I just could not do it. The next time was difficult because I felt a slew of emotions - like I was competing, or like I had to be far better, etc. The next time was a little easier and I imagine it will get easier and easier.

But it is very hard to totally dismiss what has happened and, to be honest, I think about it every day.

please change your pic. looking at you make sick