My Spouse is Cheating; Infidelity stories and advice

I haven't been in this situation.

So I just wanted to ask you, what is it about you that let this man stay when he was unfaithful to you? Do you not believe yourself as worthy to have someone be faithful to you?

I know that my worth is more than it's weight in gold. I'm a christian woman and this is my second marriage. I thought that I was doing everything that my husband wanted from a wife. He never wanted for sex any way at anytime he wanted it, he got it. I guess that I got so caught up in ensuring that the children were taken care of, our finances were taken care of as well as both of our careers. We are both professional with bachelors degrees with 12(me) and 13(him) years at our companies. I don't want to do the dating thing again. The pool of eligible men are shrinking dramatically and I don't want to put my kids through anymore stepparent issues.

Sorry. I think just coming here to LifeTwo is a step in undergoing the changes you are going through. It's helped me a lot! People like me, who haven't gotten cheated on, always say they'd just leave right away. But people who have been with a cheating spouse say it's not that easy, especially where kids are concerned.

I've also observed in my life that a wife or husband can be great, beautiful, caring, etc. and if the spouse wants to cheat, they will. So, God Bless!

LA

To the original poster - The pool of "good" men is not shrinking so don't feel the clock is running out on you. I was a good man that got the boot last October. 23 years of naval service with multiple overseas deployments and not ONCE was I unfaithful to my wife. So slow down. You speak a bit about sex as well. A successful relationship does not revolve around sex soley, it revolves around everything else. If the only thing we live for in a relationship is sex, then Lord help us as we grow older. If you are a Christian as you say, use your faith and the fellowship of the church to help. I am 42 and I know the 'clock is running' but you know what's #1 to me? My two boys. God will guide me to another spouse when He feels the time is right; but for now my boys are my priority. Your legacy lies with your children. Use strong character to show them how mom gets through the tough times. What you do in this life defines your role in His Kingdom. This life is nothing but a breath compared to the eternity we have with Him. Mr. Right will come, but just don't go looking for him. Don't rush what God has planned for you.

-Jim

I really thank you for your comments they were very encouraging. I know that God is yet still in control. My 4 year old was walking through the house a couple of days ago singing a song that we often sing in church, "God is in Control of My Life". They are a blessing and my top priority is to ensure that they are trained up in the way that they should go. My little one consistently looks for his dad as well as my niece. When we leave the house and come home he asks if he's here as well as my niece looking for his car in the driveway. My parents separated when I was only 6 months old and all my life I wondered what it would have been like to come home to both parents. My mother loved my father and he her, but he too couldn't stop cheating. Ultimately he loved other women more than he loved his 5 girls. All of my sisters have had horrible relationship problems with men. My father passed away almost 4 years ago with many regrets of not being with us. Although he loved us, he had lots of problems dealing with my mom who I'm very similar to at the same point in her life. We missed out on a lot of things because my mother chose to leave my father and sometimes we ask her why didn't she have enough faith to believe that he would change. I truly love my husband but I don't know if he wants to change.

so whats the beeg deal if i cheat but stay with her - all g

I just learned that the "one less" commercial about the human papilloma virus that causes cervical cancer, for which there is now a vaccine, could also be used to prevent some types of ORAL CANCER that can be spread by...how would a guy get the cervical cancer virus into his mouth?

Oh yeah, what was I saying. Oh, there's nothing wrong with cheating as long as you stay married...whatever...

I will keep you in my prayers. You have completely missed the meaning of marriage.

'Cause I was being sarcastic.

WELL IS BAD I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DONT WANT TO LEAVE HIM BECAUSE IS HARD!!! BUT THIS MAN IS NOT CHEATING ON YOU BECAUSE HE TELL YOU EVERYTHING HE DOES SO YOU KNOW WHATS GOING ON!! FORGET THE CHEATING IT SOUNDS LIKE HE BELITTLES YOU AND THAT MY FRIEND IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU OR ANY OF YOUR KIDS!!! WHAT DO YOU RATHER HAVE THE KIDS SEE YOU SUFFER ALL THE TIME OR BE ALONE BUT HAPPY AND IN PEACE?? YOU ARE WORTH MUCH MORE THAN THAT!!! GIVE YOUR SELF A CHANCE FOR LIFE AGAIN AND YOU KNOW WHAT ONCE HE SEE'S YOU DONING GOOD HE'S GOING TO REGRET ALL THAT HE DID TO YOU TRUST ME!!!!

Your father modeled for you the way a husband acts and the way a marriage works. It's probably no accident that you married someone just like Dad.

Now think about your children - is this what you want them to learn about marriage and family life? That men cheat and lie and women just put up with it? That a woman's and mother's only role is to be mistreated by the one she loves? Would you want this life for your children? Would you allow anyone to do this to them? No? Then why are you demonstrating that the way your husband treats you is acceptable?

Also, forgive me but I think your view of life is rather skewed if you are staying in this marriage just because you think the "pool" of available men is small and you don't want to date again. Life isn't - or shouldn't be - all about finding a man. Think about your other option - being single and being able to concentrate on what matters to you, the kids. Hopefully they don't mistreat you like your husband does.

Yes, I have been there, but without kids. My mother went through it too. Here's a quote that helped me deal with the situation:

"No one is going to save you, you've got to save yourself. No one is going to give you anything; you've got to go out and get it. No one knows what you want except you. And no one will be as sorry as you if you don't get it."

The big deal is that if you want to call yourself a man then have the balls to make a real decision about who you want to be with. What your doing is highschool sh*& and I can't think of too many people that want to go thru that again especially not in this day and age.

Also how would you feel if you were in a relationship being faithful and your partner had the potential to bring something home to you. It's one thing if you catch something on your own because of your own irrisponsibility it's another if someone give it to you. Condoms dont protect you from everything. There are too many things that can kill you in this world one reason shouldn't be a lack of self control or discipline. Also have you thought about the fact that you could have a child come out of these situations that have the potential risk for your actions also. It happens to many people that dont think it's gonna happen to them.

Get a clue already, get over yourself and grow the hell up. Clara

I just found out that my wife used a site called Classmates.com to track down an old flame. A few months of emails, then text messages, then chat and finally meeting in person. It's escalated to sex. I had my suspicions but chose to not follow up on them and then in a moment of weakness checked her computer out and put the entire picture together. I'm numb, angry, ashamed, sad, mad and I don't know what. Our sex has been great but now I can't even think of that. Who wants seconds? We have no children so we don't have that complication. I'm not even sure how to ask for advice since I don't really know what I want other than for it to have been 24 hours ago when I had no clue.

It's time to take stock and get advice.

My husband and his high school girlfriend used classmates.com to reconnect. Within ONE WEEK of e-mailing they decided to get divorces and spend the rest of their lives together. High school was almost 20 years ago! And they hadn't even seen each other as she lived over 500 miles and several states away. Blame it on whatever, but what's done is done. Our son was 8 months old and she has two very young children. That's 5 lives that are irreperably damaged as a result of their lust (her 2 children, her husband, my son, and me). Plus our extended families are all devastated by the betrayal, lies, deception and disrespect.

This started in January and by June my husband moved in with her and her children and she was divorced by July. They are both crazy and she can have him. They think that they are both the same people they were in high school. Just wait till the sex wears out and they realize how messed up and damaged the other person is. They are stuck with each other and I'm free!

I am not the person who wrote this original story, but have experienced an affair. "What is it about you that let this man stay when he was unfaithful to you?". You have not been in this situation and do not understand the complex issues involved. Children, finances and fear are just 3 of the reasons women stay with unfaithful husbands. In my experience, which was recent, I stayed so that I could determine if this marriage is worth saving instead of making a rash and emotional decision to throw my life and the life of my daughter into upheaval. I have not yet decided where it will go, but would rather deal with a man I have known for 20 years than get on a dating website and have to start all over with the unknown. There is the option of having no man in my life- one that I may have to face. Some women, myself included, have practical reasons for allowing our cheating husbands to stay, and those reasons drive my thinking as much as anger and self pity. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes before judging them. Before this happened to me, I would have told any woman to throw the bum out, but my opinions have been altered.

I have my FRIENDS telling me the same thing. I thought I knew this man who I have been with over half my life, however, he loves himself more than his family. He has turned all the blame on me. Trust me, I am not a prude, he has never been turned down for fab sex with me, but....I could live in my fucking car at this point and have the integrity to look in my children's eyes and tell themI I will NEVER stop loving them or put some dumbass first! HA....Plus , I must be smarter than him (God, I hope so) and l can live with myself, lonesome albeit, but standing on the high freaking road! I don't think I want to fuck him ever again, who knows where he's been, I know where I have for 26 years. I did throw him out, good luck asshole, I say to myself daily!

I found out about my ex wife's affair after she was gone.

One of the most humiliating things I had to do was ask my doctor to test me for everything known to man.

The nurse was very sweet to me, and said that she had to do the same thing when she found out about her husband messing around.

So for those of you in the throes of this, please take care of yourself.

sam_in_la

Amen, at last a good reply!!!!!! Lizl South Africa

I'm a 25yr old lady who is dating this 52yr old married man. I love him and don't want to hurt him or his wife and kids. I can't say he is good because he cheats on his wife of 25 yrs, I know that even if he leaves her, he could never be faithful to me. My question is that can men be faithful?

I am going through it now and this is my second marriage to a, so I thought good christian man. I had seen the signs but couldn't prove it. I asked God messages to a woman named Eva. The same day I changed the locks to the door and kicked him out. We were having problems already that were esculating due to pettiness really, it was three months that we had not spoken. But in the 20 years that I was married I was faithful. I was tempted but never ever put it in to action because men aren't the only one's that have needs our needs are deeper then just having sex. I was afraid about the finances also, you have to put your faith at work. I am a stay at home mom at an older age now to a special needs and I didn't want to disrupt her life but I had to make this choice because I couldn't be with a man who disrespected me in this way and had everyone thinking that he is a good christian man when he isn't because he took the coward way out by meeting his own needs . He was out of town on several occasions and had no complaints then about not getting any, he maanged and I do think he was faithful at the time. The reason for him cheating today is just an excuse and no matter what is going on between the two of you. You made vows to be together for better or for worse and if it gets to bad then get your divorce then go out looking don't do it well your still married. It has been a month and the one thing I can say is he has been true to his financial obligations but if he should get lazy then it is then that I will pursue it and take it to court. I am looking out for my kids and I and that is my responsibility to take care of them and then myself the heck with the cheating husband he made his bed now he needs to lie in it.

sorry I accidently deleted a part of a sentence. ( I asked God to show me a week later my son found his cell phone in the bathroom with text messages to a woman named Eva)

My husband married me 4 his greencard, we have a 2 year old baby girl together. He lives in one state and I live in another, because he can't work on the books until he gets his work permit. Now he says he married me because he loves me, but he cheats with everyone women he meets and passed on an std to me. This is my 2nd marriage and I was so histant on getting deviorce because of what people say. But then I ask God please help me out of a situation that can leave me dead and my kids motherless. So I decided to file 4 deviorce and not sponsor him anymore. It hurt like hell because I wasted three 1/2 years with a lying, deceitful, cheating bastard. I could of been with sumone who loved and wanted me for. Do I feel stupid, yes, but I was tryin to do right by our daughet, I guess he saw it differently. It still hurt and will take a while for me to get over it, but my kids at this points, is all that matters. This is a lesson will learned, I wish him luck in jamaica when they deport him there. There goes my daughter without a father! I leave it in God's hands.

my husband of 15 years left me and our two children (one is still a baby) at the end of january. since september last year he's been flirting with someone from work and soon this developed into an affair. he never admitted it despite all the signs...at the end, he said he was leaving us to sort himself out...he ended up having a proper relationship with her...he sees the kids for a few hours each week since he left. he gives me a very small amount of money for child support, he never calls the children, he has been drinking a lot and doing drugs.... we filed for divorce at the end of february and i managed to stay away from him since then...when he comes to pick up the kids, it is either my parents or my brother at the house, not me. i still feel very vulnerable and sometimes very angry with him.. i think it's best that my children do not realize this. yesterday, after a month of no contact (just sms messages to arrange his visits to the children) he called me and started telling me totally irrational things: he watched some movies and thought to tell me because it would be nice if i watched them as well (!!), he said that he has happy days but that he also feels he has lost the love and trust that our relationship was offering him, he said that he missed my voice and face etc etc. i said that i don;t understand why he tells me all this and i got no answer. he didn;t suggest that he wants to come back to me nor that he feels sorry for what he did... at the end of the conversation, i told him that i am the other woman in his life now and i don;t like to play this role in his relationship with his new girlfriend. He actually asked me if we could have a sort of secret affair!! what is happening with him??? i wasn;t sure if i should laugh or cry! can this be the man i was with for the past 15 years of my life?? why am i so confused? i feel like he abuses me emotionally...why would he do that??? help me please!!

Probably because at the time he does miss you but he wants his cake and ice cream. He doesn't want to leave this other woman, if he did he would be trying to fix things between you and him. If you have hopes next time he comes to you saying things like that give him an alternative then you will see how serious he is about the two of you.

I remember I waited for along time for my ex to come back I thought that I had to because that was the right thing to do as a good Christian woman. But after a lot of prayer and soul searching and also the help of a pastor. He asked if he was making any effort in coming back and I realized that there wasn't any. I wasn't accountable for his choice, I needed to move on and just take one day at a time. I had to do things that I never had to do on my own but it helped me grow and I was able to take care of my son and I. Plus I got my dignity back. God wants His children happy and unfortuately alot of men aren't being what they should be in their household. But he will be accountable it will come back and bite him in some way or another. I know that it did for my ex. Hang in there you will get through this.

I've been married to the love of my life for 16 years.I lost my virginity to a friends elder sister 4 months prior to meeting my wife.And now over 21 years later,can say they are the only ones.I have never or would ever be unfaithful,I gave my word and believed that to be sacrosanct.However I am trying to come to terms with the fact that She has been unfaithful ,denies it but spends every possible moment with him,while I am at home with our three young children. She says it's platonic despite all the disturbing evidence.My point is, that we're not all the stereotypical 'cheating at first chance men',for all it seems to be worth ! P.S.I still love her dearly ,but fear tat D day is approaching,If the Husband is unfaithful, He's a cheating Ba****d,when it's the Wife ,it's almost a 'right of passage' and Hubby loses out,with kids etc. !!! M

That is not true it goes both ways and she get hers one day especially when neglecting her kids for her selfish ambition.

****edited by LifeTwo Moderators***

We rarely have to moderate the LifeTwo discussion forums largely because the community does so for us. However occasionally we have to step in and this was one comment that required us to do so. Pity because the point of view made a lot of sense but not the manner in which they left it. unfortunately the commenter's

We rarely have to moderate the LifeTwo discussion forums largely because the community does so for us. However occasionally we have to step in and this was one comment that required us to do so. Pity because the point of view made a lot of sense but not the manner in which they left it. unfortunately the commenter's

Men can be faithful when they develop ED and no longer have a choice. Ha-ha. That was mean. But, I will say every boyfried I've ever had has cheated on me. Friends will eventually come around after you've broken up and spill the beans. I guess they have to have the safety net of your being broken up to tell you, so they don't feel bad about a split. Now,my husband. I don't know. He's never admitted it, but I have had my suspicions. They never admit it. I've had many guy friends when I was younger cry on my shoulder about being stuck with one woman. Even if they loved the woman, they really don't like feeling like they can only have one woman for life. Sorry, that's the way I see it. I am sure there are exceptions. But I don't think many women would be willing to get marrried in the first place if they truly understood men.