He's back! Fallout & Recovery from a MLC Affair

Hey again...

I can't really comment on distancing one's self emotionally first and physically last. In my case it was a package deal with my wife. When she left, everything about her left with her.

She is somewhat back emotionally, wanting and yearning to get us back physically, but after five months still doesn't feel "it" from a physical standpoint.

I think it's good that you are going to Counseling - hopefully he will join you as well. It's important to have the couples and indivdual counseling...it has been very effective for us in regard to strengthening our communication and goals towards a rebuild. We have also started going to Church which has also helped...It's simply the physical aspect that is keeping us in the dark.

Keep your Faith and if your husband is OK with reading comments on this site, I would encourage him to continue doing that...I have asked my wife but she hasn't been on yet - not sure if it's fear that she might actually find she is in fact going through MLC, or if she is simply in denial.

Good luck...:)

Lil, your observations are always insightful. You've touched on something that hasn't had much exposure, which is what happens after husband/wife's midlife crisis. It is impossible to simply forget what happened over what might have been a year or more of turmoil. What was said and done isn't automatically erased. You mention the immense guilt that your husband feels for what he put you both through and your anxiety. This is an entirely new dimension to the discussion and highlights that everything doesn't automatically return to "normal" the moment that the spouse "comes out of it."

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

I have written here a while back I am confused, lonely and isolated. My husband is in the middle of mlc crisis at 39 and I am trying to wait it out with encouragement and not driving myself to the nut house. I am going to counseling next week and with hope my hubby will come soon too. He believes he is in a mlc and he does not like it, there is no ow and he is emotionally disconnected from me and now physically he is too. We sometimes use humor and I just keep encouraging, but I am scared and pray he too will transition and come through this. I think he is worried that he will not, after 17 years he said he was always satisfied with his life and me but now he just he is not excited to be here with me, although he says he is attracted to me, so confusing. Your note has inspired me and I would love to hear more. I am praying for you and all the woman here that we make it through this. Because it is hard I hate it. The book His Midlife Crisis by Jim Conway is great. I have read it and my hubby is reading some as well which I think is good. He is still in this and really is having a hard time trying to figure out why he feels this way as I am too, we have everything, great life, great kids he and I have worked so hard to attain our goals and we have them all, now he is having this. It is scary and lonely but I do believe he will come through but we are all forever changed by this, I just want to come through it with him. The trust is huge but I hope and pray he will have an epiphany and come through. I believe it has been about 8 months for us and we have had a few emotional days. Although I did not find out until 3 months ago he felt this way, it tore me apart, I lost it truly, I am more rationale now but still so hurt and scared. I try and give him space and really try as best I can not to bring up this all the time but man it is so hard. This is my life too. And the lives of three little girls.

Please keep writing and give me suggestions anytime.

thanks for all the help

confused, lonely, and isolated.

That's what it's all about! May you heal stronger than before and see beauty you couldn't before.

"He believes he is in a mlc and he does not like it..."

As you can probably tell by reading other stories, this is huge and it is very positive. Your husband is aware something isn't right and he would like to get better. This is an enormous and necessary step to the healing process. There is every reason to believe he will come out of this. You are right to go to counseling with or without him so that you take care of yourself. Hopefully he will see the benefits you get and follow you thereby speeding up his recovery.

One other tip that comes from Life Coach Dave Schoof is that whenever he starts talking about what he's thinking try and avoid rushing in and fixing it. Just listen and encourage him to talk more and more and more. This will help you both learn what might be going on. If you haven't already done so spend some time in our midlife crisis section, there are more stories and articles to help you.

Good luck and keep posting. Your experiences will help those that follow.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

So you're 8 months into this thing with your husband. That's a good amount of time, plus he even thinks he's in a MLC himself. Hang in there; if his feelings and thoughts originate from a MLC, they will change with the passage of time. Sounds encouraging to me that he has a grip on why he's feeling the way he is. He's not in denial.

During the worst part of my husband's MLC, he did not know what was going on, and he didn't even care. The main tip off to me that it WAS a MLC was that if it was only about me and our marriage, he would have continued to nurture his relationship with our three children (2 young adults, one teen). He didn't; he cut them off and had next to nothing to do with them. That is tormenting him now. There were things he did to us financially which I haven't gone into. He is tormented now by remembering how he was, not only to me, but also to our children.

Talking is good, it's great. Since my husband came back, I am allowing him to talk freely about everything that went on, and how he thought & felt during the time he was gone. I only drew the line at hearing about any part of the physical relationship with the OW. Anything else he can say; he needs to unburden himself. Most things are not fun for me to hear. I learned that he even went so far as a consult visit to a divorce attorney! The OW was on his case to divorce me, but he dropped it after that. I learned that he spent one week with her, and knew right then what a mistake the whole thing was, although their "relationship" didn't end right then. My husband has talked about different things which happened along the way which drew him out of the MLC mindset. There were pivotal moments of light & realization that altered his MLC thinking. He came back appreciating me and the life he had with me.

If your husband hasn't made any life-altering decisions, you're a step ahead, you're VERY fortunate. The betrayal I experienced cannot be erased with a kiss and a "I'm sorry." The regrets & guilt that my husband now deals with won't dissolve overnight. On a bad night for him last week, he wept and told me that he knew it would "never be the same." Although I didn't jump in with a hearty agreement (not wanting him to feel worse), I feel the exact same way. I am grieving what I (truly)lost, he is grieving, and we are both going to get past it, but everything DID change when in the middle of a MLC, he walked out the door, and into the arms of another woman, however briefly. 26 faithful years marred by a decision he now regrets, and I still grieve over. Guess I'm spelling it out so thoroughly here, so that if ANYONE reading this is tempted to rash actions, MLC or not, STOP! Actions have grave consequences, MLC induced or not.

Not to end on a neg note there; I feel confident we will both recover from this with time and love, however cliche that sounds.

I read your comment and couldn't help but respond to what you posted.

I will start by saying that I completely understand what you are feeling - I too am going through this but I am the Husband witnessing my wife try to "find herself"

My wife and I have had a wonderful marriage for the last eight years and have had what has been the "perfect" relationship for the last 13 years.

In late August she approcahed me and said that she was bored and needed to move out...I was crushed! She initially blamed me for trivial things (keeping the house TOO clean, not traveling on business with her, etc). In our position, it's easy to beat ourselves up and take the blame.

However, at this stage of the game, she has changed her thoughts and has said that she doesn't blame me for anything...she says that it's her, she doesn't understand why she is feeling the way she is feeling, but says that she desperately needs to find herself and her purpose.

Unfortunately,while they are "finding" their self, we are left confused, frustrated and scared about what the future might hold. We talk almost every night (she moved out in September to stay with a girlfriend), we still say I Love You at the end of every call / conversation and spend quite a bit of time together.

The big issue now is her gaining the want for intimacy back with me - she says that she just doesn't feel it. She wants to get it back, but she just doesn't feel it right now.

We have been going through counseling and have recently started going to Church together which has been positive in both respects.

All I can say is hang in there and know that he still seems to be holding on which isn't what I have been reading much of through this site...that's a positive thing.

Good luck -

Hi again, it is confused and lonely.

Thanks so much for your messages and encouragement. I do believe or at least have to that he will get through this in time. But I do have one question? Is it normal to distance yourself emotionally first and physically last? We have not had relations in a month. He did try but not successful and I know that tormented him, first time ever. It saddens me that he is unable to connect but I feel he is hurting inside with this mlc and it has effected him physically. It has crushed me that we are not connecting physically but I think it is all part of it, I joke about it a bit must add humor to our misery. He was reading notes from this website last night and somewhat laughing that others feel the way he does. I keep reinforcing him that it is a transition. I am seeing a counsellor next week and I hope that he will soon come too. Any suggestions and comments are so welcome.

Your help has been terrific. I believe in trust and god that will carry us through this time. Not all men experience this uncertainty and mlc, but I feel we all have uncertainty in life.

confused, lonely and isolated.

OK, if you've read my starter post here, you know why I am being tempted. I am having a really really hard time trusting my husband. In his MLC, he became an expert at lying. I was always able to "read" him before, but when he became so proficient at lying, I no longer could. Now, he's been back home for a few weeks, and the OW he had the affair with is still working at the same place my husband does. Even worse, she had told him that she would wait for him to leave me, and wanted to still keep seeing him. A woman with no conscience and disturbing intentions.

I mentioned before that I'm struggling with anxiety; well, sometimes full-blown fear is happening now. I admit, I am terrified when I cannot reach his cell; when he was with "her", he made himself unavailable that way, so it's like a flashback. I listen to what he says, and am waiting for a discrepancy in what he says; there was a small one yesterday. He's not spending huge amounts of time away from home, but he still has a lease on that apartment. He's gone there to work on some tax stuff (it's all over there), but I admit, sometimes panic sets in when he goes there.

I've never snooped before, but I always trusted him. He left me once, so now I really don't feel safe yet, and I do not want to be caught off-guard like I was before! What does anyone think of checking pockets, receipts, stuff like that? I am not a snooper but when the fear starts tormenting me....Well, bottom line, yes, I have started some snooping. Only stuff I've found was from when he was gone, nothing current. What I found was some major stuff that he does not know I know (I'll leave it out of here). Such impulsive & rash behavior from someone I never thought would be like that.

He is out of his MLC, but there have been occasional moments when I feel he's not 100% "sound" and thinking right. Moments, not a mindset, but troubling nonetheless. Combined with my fear, it's not a comfortable situation.

Any comments?

Lil your story is so close to mine. I hurt and am suspicious all the time. He has been gone 10 days now after beginning this affair 5 month ago. Now he wants to come home. I love him, but I want him to come home because he knows h loves me, not just a comfortable place to stay. He says it's over w/ ow but he said that before. How do I know when to allow our relationship to continue? thanks

I know your note was to Lil but I'll chime in with my 2 cents. You asked when to allow your relationship to continue when your wayward husband says that it is over with the other woman. My suggestion is that you take it slowly and don't let your desire to "get things back to the way they were" to rush your healing/trusting process. If he is sincere then he will work with you during this process. If not, well that speaks volumes. You know the adage about "actions speak louder than words," your husband needs to understand that moving forward will depend on what he does and not just him professing that it is over. You can decide if you think joint marriage counseling is for you. If you feel that it is and your husband doesn't want to or doesn't open up, well that's would be a sign that he still isn't where he needs to be for the healing you need.

Just my opinion, as with everything you read here you need to take these as suggestions but the final decisions should be found in your heart.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

Your brief post spoke volumes to me. First, Wesley's use of the word "process" is right on the mark when describing reconciliation. And remember, there are affairs for the sake of affairs, and then there are affairs which happen as a result of a MLC. Both hurt like *H*, but there's a stronger base for a marriage to recover from in the latter. So, do you suspect your husband's affair is a one-time deal from a MLC?

A progress note here on myself. My husband has been back almost 2 months now--and they haven't been easy. FINALLY the OW (who was a co-worker) is gone from my husband's work, as of this last Friday. I learned that she had pressured & pressured my husband and hadn't given up. I could sense his nerves on edge and a few times he seemed ready to snap. There was a 3-day period where he actually gave me his cell and told me to answer it if she called! Oh man did that feel GOOD. He said that she would probably hang up if she heard my voice...or if not, I could "take it from there." Well, I was ready, but she never did call.

I got a dozen red roses delivered for Valentines, along with a box of chocolate truffles. My husband tells me he loves me several times a day, and his actions have been very sweet. From my end, I am still recovering, however. Wish I could report that the diamond necklace at Christmas and the roses at Valentines wiped away every trace of pain, but that is not the case. We are, however, rebuilding a marriage and it's going to take time.

For my last post about "snooping", when he handed over his cell to me it did more for trust than any assurances ever could; he also leaves his laptop around and on as well. So I've thrown thoughts of snooping out the window..you can't build a marriage on suspicions.

More later.

Wanted to make a couple more comments.

It seems to me that affairs seldom end abruptly, even when one person really wants to end it. There is a pull that really isn't easy to break, even when the affair is discovered by the offended spouse. I know this isn't easy to hear or do, but if you really love your husband, give it time. I never did give my husband an ultimatum when I knew he was still seeing "her", but only you can decide if you should or not.

Five months isn't really long in the scheme of things, so I wouldn't advise throwing in the towel, especially since your husband has NOT indicated to you that the marriage is over. Now I know in my sister's case, there was a pattern there, and at the discovery of the last OW, her husband wasn't the least bit interested in saving the marriage. With you...there's hope.

It took my husband a few attempts to really break it off with the OW, and at times I felt like I just couldn't bear the uncertainty and pain. In the end (now), it really IS over, and we can finally move forward. I know your pain, but don't do anything rash yet. Ride this out a little more.

Thanks for the update Lil. Some of the most common questions you see posted here are "Do they come back" and "What happens when they do"?

Please keep sharing and good luck with the healing.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

My husband told me on Sept. 6th that he wanted a divorce. I had no ideal that anything was wrong except that he had been distant to me over the last couple of months. I have discovered since that he met a woman on a scuba diving trip the end of June & they started emailing & now they think they are in love with each other. His plans are to quit is excellant job in Nashville & move to Austin, TX to be with her. I'm so devastated, we were so much in love at one time. He adored me as much as I adored him but he is 48 years old & I believe is going through a mid life crisis. Although he won't admit it. He was bored with our marriage & I had gotten laid off work 3 years ago & only worked part-time which he did not like, so he blamed me for bailing out on our marriage because I didn't go back to work. He thinks this woman has money & I know she had been married several times & is a little older than he is. I don't know what to do. He has filed for a divorce & I countered him by trying to get our house. He is very mad at me right now because of that & also I am going after alimony, but I still don't want this marriage to end. We will be going to mediation in another week or so. We dated 3 years & then have been married for 15 years. He acts like he hates me at this point. He has been staying in the same house (in the guest room) with me up until about 3 weeks ago & he took his clothes & said he was going to stay with a friend for a few days, so I don't know if he has moved out or not. He does come back every couple of days, will stay a couple of minutes then leave & not say a word to me. I found out he went to Austin over the Thanksgiving holidays & also for 12 days through Christmas & New Years. He came home & acted like he had only been to work, I didn't asked him where he had been. He has also been out there one weekend since & I know he is going again next week. I don't believe it will work with this woman but I don't know how long it is going to last. I really don't know what to do to save this marriage at this point. I know my family would be very upset with me if I took him back but he is the love of my life & I am having a hard time giving him up plus I realize it is a mid-life crisis & that's why I hope I could forgive him. He is or was such a good, kind & caring person but has seemed to change over night. Now he is so mean & cruel to me, not abusive but hateful & very hurtful saying he just wants to be away from me. Can you help me figure out how I need to handle this situation? Do you think there is still hope?

I agree...though forgiveness isn't easy in these types of situations, it's easier to forgive the cheating spouse who cheats BECAUSE of a MLC. I know, I know, no excuses no matter what, but the genuine MLC weakens a spouse's resistance to an affair, and somehow it doesn't seem quite so deliberate. Forget the relatives' opinions, that's what I have had to do. They haven't walked in your shoes, and it's YOUR life, not theirs. It's a big decision you are facing, one that has life-long major repercussions, which is why I advise not jumping the gun on ending a marriage. IF marital issues/problems are caused by a MLC in a formerly good & mutually satisfying marriage, then eventually the issues will fade and go away. Then what? I chose not to throw away my marriage and I am so glad that I did not!

Sounds like this OW thing is not going to work, given her history and all that. The MLC male wants excitement and change, and he will trade in the familiar for something which only has the illusion of being better. Eventually the MLC spouse does wake up and come to their senses. BUT here's a warning: you will feel betrayed no matter what...no matter how you love your husband, no matter what made him stray. It does and will hurt. For myself, I'm working through all that and it IS getting better.

There's always hope. Hope will get you through. I understand so well the personality change thing you describe too. Looking back, my husband changed BEFORE his MLC affair, although at the time I did not attribute it to a MLC. If I had a dollar for every person who posts or wonders, "HOW LONG? HOW LONG?" (does a MLC last), I'd be rich. There is no set answer, but I can safely say, it's not a week-long drama. My husband's was at least 2 years, maybe a little longer, although the affair was roughly 6 months.

And another thing...it doesn't seem that the MLC male just snaps out of it all at once; the fog lifts & settles for awhile, and there are setbacks. Wish I had been prepared for that, because it gets really discouraging when the setbacks occur. MLC thinking is screwed up, and you will see glimpses of the old spouse before he really "comes back." On a positive wonderful note, my husband is now TRULY the man I fell in love with! His old personality is really back, and I am enjoying him so much...his humor, his personality, his affection, his hobbies....And he's been home for about 2 months now, so it's taken awhile. Am I glad I was patient? YES YES YES.

So what am I saying? Well, it's your decision, but let the decision be yours, don't let anyone make the choice for you. I know all about unforgiving relatives, but that didn't stop me. Affairs like the one your husband is having seldom last.

I have good things to report in another post. Things are improving day by day and I am learning to let go of the pain. More coming later.

It was so reassuring to read all of your posts. I found out after christmas that my husband (43yrs old) has been having an affair since march. He said he hasn't been happy for years. It was a surprise to me we had our problems but i never thought they were that bad. I never though in a million years he would leave me and our four children all under the age of 10 he even said that all through our marriage. He said he never meant for this to happen he said that while he loves me he is "in love with her" We had a long discussion before he moved out and he realized how much i truly love him which opened up something inside him because he stated that if you would have talked to him in November divorce would have been the only option. Now we are seeing each other and talking more he tells me that in the end he believes we will be together but is afraid to give the OW up because he's afraid he'll end up with nothing.. In my heart i believe he is going through a MLC (he even bought a corvette in July) so i am willing to wait. i have good days and bad days most people think i should just dump him that he just wants the best of both worlds that don't understand that i don't believe this is him. So reading all of your posts it give me hope that i am not stupid that i should follow my heart. We even email each other in one he wrote he was in transition. Any advise out there?

I understand so well how painful & difficult your situation is right now. By staying in contact with you, your husband is keeping the lines--and his options--still open, and offering you hope, although somewhat deferred. That happened to me after my husband left, and it was excrutiating and stressful. The initial walk-out was traumatic and horrific; ater a few weeks the shock was lessened, but where you are right now, where I was for a long time...is horrible.

Having said that, it's a good sign that your husband hasn't cut you off. I too had others telling me that my husband wanted the best of two worlds, and it's probably true, for NOW. Sounds like your husband is still very much in the throes of a MLC, and it probably won't end abruptly. You said that you had good days & bad days in dealing with things; your husband will also have better & worse days when his fog starts to lift. The MLC mindset is really different and very selfish. The person in it is NOT thinking straight or logical most of the time. He/she may have some lucid moments which will give you a glimpse of the final resolution from the jumbled up thoughts & emotions of the moment. The sporadic moments of clarity (in his mind) offered me encouragement and hope which I clung to, with faith in God to see me through. But it was very very painful.

He must not be satisfied with the OW, or he would not keep in touch with you. I too got emails, which I loved. Keep them up; in some ways, they are easier to handle than a face-to-face right now. Somewhere deep in his heart he is still clinging to you and still refusing to let go. That is good for the time when he does indeed exit this "transition." Yes, that really IS what it is, and eventually your husband will work things out in his heart & mind.

My husband also had "fear" about dumping the OW, but for different reasons than yours. The MLC is painful to the emotions, and an affair offers a quick fix to feel better, much like alcohol or drugs. That's how I have come to see it, although it doesn't lessen resulting feelings of betrayal & anguish, while the affair is going on. As I said in another post, my husband's affair did not abruptly end; he struggled with it for various reasons, and it hurt me deeply. But I did wait it out and am very happy that I did.

You asked for advise; keep communication open with your husband, and wait this out. Doesn't sound like the end of your marriage to me, and you still love your husband very much, as I did. My outcome has been good and getting better every day, although I remember too well the time when I thought my pain would never end. Hold your head up--and yes, follow your heart.

Lil, I'm so happy that things are improving for you. I'm in a mess right now. My husband met OW on scuba diving trip, June 2007. She lives in another state. They started emailing & talking on the phone.(I had no ideal). It was a shock to me when in Sept. 2007 he said he wanted a divorce that he didn't love me anymore. Two years earlier I noticed a change when he wanted to take up skydiving & scuba diving & also started working out & loosing weight but didn't think about MLC. The OW has been married at least 3 times & she started the chase after my H, of course he fell for it. He filed for D in Sept. didn't expect me to find out about OW but I did. We went through mediation the first of March & settled. I got the house & 3 years of alimony & he had to pay all costs. He wasn't happy. He quit his excellent job & moved to the other state with this woman. I'm not sure but they may have bought a house together. They haven't been together very often & not for long periods of time. The longest was a Xmas for 12 days. Now he has been out there with OW since March 6th. He will be coming back to my house to get his things on April 11th. We were so close at one time, married 15 years, dated 3 years. We did everything together, even shopping. He is the love of my life & I can't imagine my life without him. He also has told me that many times that he couldn't imagine his life without me. Do you thing there is a chance that he might come back to me?? I miss him so much & pray that he will. I know what you mean about family, mine would not want me to take him back but as I've read before that a man in MLC it's like an alien has taken over & it would be my decision. I doubt this affair will last but he has taken it to the extreme. I would hope that he would realize what we once had & contact me. What do you think? NL

Thanks lil you took away some of the loneliness i have been feeling. its hard going through this when most people believe i should just dump him, make him pay for what he is doing and move on. Nobody can understand what it is like because they haven't lived it. i have family that talks behind each others back so i have overheard them talking about my situation and saying i am out of my mind and doing the wrong thing by allowing him to do what he pleases. So that just makes me keep things to myself and causes more loneliness. they don't see the confusion i see he is facing. he knows we have alot to loss and more to gain. He just has feelings that he needs to resolve. He states to me that if God meant us to be together we will and in his gut he knows that we will be together in the end but he doesn't have a crystal ball so doesn't know if it will be a month or years.

He has not pushed any issues with the children as far as going to his house or meeting the OW even though he wants that because he misses them and would like them to sleep over but he would never take all of them at once. He says that will not change anything between us as far as trying to find our way back but a part of me is afraid of that and a part of me is not ready to share my children with her. However, there is a part of me that wants the kids to meet her because my husband told me she gets bad anxiety attacks and cant be around crowds and my four children can be a handful at times and they could definetly drive someone over the edge at times and maybe that would get her out of his life faster

Today he was here in the morning and it was good until he brought up something from the past that made him mad. i got upset because we agreed to keep the past in the past and work on the present and future any after i got upset he said put his arm around me and told me to hang in there. And tonight he is coming back to spend dinner with us.

Your advice and post will be give me strenght on those bad days. I will take the advise you have stated and keep my head up high and follow my heart, I look forward to more of your posts and i am glad your outcome has been good and getting better because that keeps me hopeful in my situation.

"I believe", when I read your post there were things which really jumped out at me. Wanted to make a few more comments on them.

"they don't see the confusion i see he is facing" You nailed it with that comment. Your husband IS confused right now, not thinking straight. The good news is, his confusion isn't permanent. Remember that and it will give you courage to hang in there.

"most people believe i should just dump him, make him pay" So familiar, especially with family, as you stated. I was even offered money for a lawyer from a well-to-do sister, then strongly encouraged by more family members to take her up on the offer. A co-worker urged me to take him to the cleaners. I heard more wrath from others towards him than I ever expected. Your family & friends care, but they are not you. Revenge will not bring you what you need.

"he brought up something from the past that made him mad" That's what my husband did also, but it wasn't just one thing that he brought up. In the reading I've done on the MLC, it's very common to find fault with the spouse, and the anger which surfaces is really misdirected. His anger is from getting older; in order to leave, he has to build a case for it, but the case is flimsy and lame. Ironically, when my husband opened up and told me some things he didn't like one night, it actually began his journey back to me! I look at that night as a huge breakthrough. First, he was communicating, which is a great place to start. Remember, in a MLC, the husband isn't really playing with a full deck as far as logical, accurate thinking. So criticisms and fault-finding have to be handled differently. I told my husband "I'm sorry" for everything he brought up (and none of it validated his leaving me for several months). BUT I didn't stop there. I asked him to forgive me for each thing; I didn't let him keep guilt down on me, but I threw back the issue for a response from him. Does that make sense? I didn't defend myself, even on things which I remembered differently from him. What really happened mattered less than his perception of what did. He broke down, ran out of the house, but called from his cell in the car. We talked a long long time. It was a major breakthrough and his anger dissipated quickly after that. That was truly the beginning of his coming out of his fog. The hardness and coldness began to melt from then on.

"put his arm around me and told me to hang in there" My husband also occasionally said things like that, although his actions didn't match up to his words for some time. I never shared this before, but my husband actually said to me, "Don't give up" as he left the house! When he was leaving me and going off to be with the OW! So, your husband's comment, along with my husband's, seems to indicate that on the deepest level they KNOW what they are doing is not right and that eventually they see themselves finding their way back.

Your husband is not really "in love" with the OW. He is infatuated for a season; it's like an adolescent crush. His real love is for YOU, and he is acknowledging that to you. I know spouses who coldly walked out with no such words of any kind of love. The MLC is a flashback emotionally to a former time in life without responsibility, with one's life ahead of them. Exciting, but almost like a mental illness, because it isn't based in reality! Eventually I feel confident your husband will find his way. You are NOT alone! When I first came to this site I was amazed at how many comments in the posts were so similar to what I felt or experienced. I had dark days, but they are over.

Hang in there. Keep posting and I'll respond as I am able.

This is touching. Real love, the painful part. I hope you'll keep in touch here.

All I can say is, look at me. I am being a good wife, available in all areas, yet not really feeling true to myself. I don't want to be living like this in five years.

Yes, it is real love & yes it is very painful!!!! I went to church this morning & just missed him being with me or sometimes if he didn't go I would call him on the way home & he was here for me. I sure dread him moving his stuff out of the house. I'm so afraid that will be the last time I hear from him. I hope not. My hope is that he will wake up & soon!!!

I do believe you need to be true to yourself. I don't know if I was 100%, I wanted to make my husband happy. He was not happy that I didn't go back to work full time. We were not hurting for money, he just wanted me to work. I have not posted here much, but it's good to know people are in the same boat & I will start posting & reading. I appreciate any & all advice & encouragement.

Is this the standard? Or were they already cheating before the MLC?

I'm not sure about everyone else, but my H did not cheat before. He started after my cousin died at age 47. He took up skydiving & scuba diving in 2005 & started running & exercising more. Then he went on this scuba diving trip & this OW came on to him & I guess he lost his head & there you have it. I truly believe if she had not come on to him & then contacted him via email & phone this would not have happened. Of course he went for it & now he is in another state with OW.

Running away from death. I didn't think I was afraid of death but now I see that I am. When I see older people with oxygen tubes in their noses and walking with walkers, I'm scared. How do they live like that??? Well...I know they want to stay alive and they have their comforts and pleasures. They might not be nuts like I am.

Register so we can give you a name.

I registered! My cousin died suddenly of a brain aneurysm, she was full of life & even head of the ER in my home town. Very active in church & with her kids & their friends. My H saw this & that really effected him & I think that is what started the MLC. As far as being afraid of death, I'm more afraid of being alone. My brother died, 1994 & my cousin was like a sister to me. I have my parents but they are 80 & 75, good health thank goodness & then I had my H & now he is gone. I do have my 2 dogs, they are great but one is 13 1/2 & is having some kidney failure, so with the divorce & all this it is very hard for me right now. I keep praying my H will come out of this MLC & see what he has done. I've read so much about it & he has done most all the same things. Being very mean & hateful, telling me he doesn't love me anymore when for 18 years he was crazy about me. Xmas of 2006 he bought me a 2007 SUV, so he didn't plan on this to happen & was crazy about me that Xmas but June of that year changed everything. I'm still afraid of never seeing him again. I love getting advice from people who have been through this & what your thoughts are.

I'm feeling an itch for major change now, and sometimes I tell myself I'm a coward for not having the courage to change. Other times I read of how much hurt others are in, and I'm not willing to be that hurt agent. And then I wonder if I'm truly living my life if I go along hoping, not accepting. Then I go back to the start. One, two, three, return.

I'm laughing as I write this, serious as it is.

Hi Lil, I don't know if you read my post later but my H has moved to TX with OW now. I'm devastated. I still don't think it will last but he quit his job & moved. He will be back at my house the 11th & 12th to get his things. I got the house & alimony & he is not happy about that at all. What do you think? Is there still a chance he will come out of his fog??

Hi again to all. I have not been to this website in awhile; too much going on. Sad to say, I've had a major setback. Let me say, my husband really was in a MLC, and it lasted roughly 2 years, with the roughest "crazy" part lasting maybe 6 months. he is definitely OUT of the MLC, no question. His head and thinking seem to be straight.

However...he exited the MLC with some baggage, namely the OW. I found out that even though he has been home since Christmas, he never stopped seeing the OW, never cut it off. He tried a few times and contact with her hasn't been completely constant, but he never cut her off. WHY? Wish I could say! I was naturally suspicious, and a close relative told me that I was "irrational" when I expressed some fears. HA! I was completely rational---I read the signs I wish weren't there.

He texts me all day saying he loves me; just this morning, one text only said, "I love you!" Can you believe that? Ends every conversation with "love ya". He is considerate, does things for me, buys things for me, sleeps with his arms around me. Has been doing this for 3 months!!! All the while hasn't cut off the OW.

We have had serious talks within the last 2-1/2 weeks; supposedly he really DID have "the talk" with her. Do I know for sure? Not really. How do you trust someone who has fed you convincing lies for months on end? I believe that he doesn't want to lose his family, but he cannot have both.

I am fighting anxiety like never before in my life. Between a rock & a hard place. Keeping my eyes open without trying to look suspicious. Not sure if I can stay with him, it's so painful. I probably won't post in awhile, but eventually I'll check back in.

But a final comment: therein lies the danger in a MLC. Bad choices are sometimes made in the throes of its irrationality, that may affect the rest of ones' life---and their close family.