The Self Improvement Plan

January 1 – Drink glass of red wine each day. (Step one of self-improvement plan) Am on the road to new and improved self. Celebrate by having second glass of red wine.

January 2 - Begin vitamin regimen. (Step two in self-improvement plan.)

Omega 3 for glowing skin and wrinkle reduction, calcium to strengthen bones and stave off osteoporosis, B12 to reduce perimenopausal moodiness, vitamin C to improve immune system. Slight problem with size of calcium pills (size of large walnut and likely to cause immediate choking death). Opt for chewable chocolate flavoured candies.

January 3 - Adjust vitamin regimen. End up not eating all day to accommodate vitamins that need to be taken on empty stomach. Eat large bag of salt and vinegar potato chips just before bedtime to accommodate vitamins that require full stomach.

January 4 - While busy reading instructions for new pedometer (Step three in self-improvement plan), seven-year-old daughter mistakes calcium chewable's for candy and consumes twenty-three in one sitting.

January 10 - Though not complaining, husband is beginning to wonder why the insistence on having sex every night. (Step four in self-improvement plan.) Has "Ah hah" moment when Visa bill arrives and mistakenly believes sex demands are vain attempt to distract him from noticing $300 expenditure for designer purse.

January 11 - Decide to increase daily red wine intake in attempt to accelerate benefits of self-improvement program.

January 12 - Continue to fall asleep during daily meditation (step five in self-improvement plan). Decide boring mantra ("I am well") will be replaced with phrase that resonates more strongly ("George Clooney").

January 17 - While putting recycling out, converse with elderly neighbour in an attempt to reach out to those less fortunate (step six in self-improvement plan). Noting large quantity of red wine bottles in blue box, elderly neighbour casts pitying look and quickly hurries inside.

January 20 - After much thought, settle upon yoga as physical activity of choice (step seven in self-improvement plan). Purchase beautiful yoga apparel only to realize what a crime it would be to ruin lovely new clothes by possible sweat that may be worked up during actual yoga class. Decide to put on new clothes, open bottle of red wine and think about less sweaty exercise options.

January 25 - Husband's snoring ruining sound sleep regimen (step eight in self-improvement plan).

January 31 - Take stock after completing first month of self-improvement plan. Net gains: Five pounds, $250 worth of yoga wear, reputation among elderly neighbours as a lush and one child with exceptionally strong bones and teeth. Open bottle of red wine while begin planning February's steps.

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