Midlife Crisis? The Umarried Guy @ 38

"Where are the advice columns for the never-married types in their late 30's?"

I think you are writing it. You can be assured that others who follow you will thank you. For now you might want to first tackle the guilt because it should be the easiest to address. How "good" your life is or isn't has absolutely nothing to do with how you are feeling. It's like feeling guilty because how tall you are--that is completely irrelevant. You will get through this though it will likely take time. For the vast, vast majority of people you will exit it in a better place with a renewed sense of purpose and direction.

If depression is involved do not feel that you have to tackle this alone. Trained professionals and a good support network are highly recommended.

If you haven't had a physical examination since you started feeling this way then that is suggested as well. There can be medical causes (thyroid is one example) that can be at the root of these.

Good luck and I look forward to your path of discovery.

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Can't be the first one to have to write advice for this particular life "challenge". If the symptoms are similar (as they seem to be from casual browsing), then I assume that there is a collection of previously developed experiences from which to draw insight.

Hi I was just reading your post and I am proud of you even though I do not know you. My husband is in the midst of a mid life crisis I think, he like you has everything but something is missing and well as the wife I feel like it is my fault but I know it is not. It is so reassuring to hear that you feel this way and are single. Goodness mid life is not easy but I wish you well and keep searching you will find an answer and it usually comes from within in time I truly believe. My hope is to keep my husband and help him through this journey with out pressuring him. This is a tough one.

Best of luck.

confused wife

"...I assume that there is a collection of previously developed experiences from which to draw insight."

There certainly are plenty of articles and discussions on the site that relate and provide insight. I hope you find a lot to draw from. That said, each situation is unique and what works for you might be very different for those who are divorced, separated, or younger or older than you. That's why we hope that you are able to share what works or doesn't work and the body of knowledge available for others continues to grow.

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Confused wife: Support the guy. Don't hastle, don't antagonize, don't dictate "what should be done." I'm getting that from people in my life & it makes matters worse - not better (in my opinion). He's lucky to have the support.

My boyfriend is 38 years old, and has never been married. He is having a lot of trouble with his life lately. He complained about his job mostly - He thinks it is boring, un-rewarding, and it is killing his career. He wants to throw everything away and move overseas. I have been trying to be supportive, but am exhausted. Now, he is feeling I am not being supportive. We just broke up last night over the phone, because I did not agree to move overseas (where to be determined) with him.

I understand the hating the job part. I run my own business and yet I hate going to work in the morning. The routine gets to you. Dealing with the same type of morons day after day gets to you. You sit there & say "I have to put up with the !@## for another 30 years?!?!" You get angry & frustrated. You take it out on whomever is in your sites when you reach the boiling point. Internally, you don't know why you're doing it - you just do it.

you have everything and still unhappy?

maybe you're ungrateful and complacent. You're comfortable, you have it well - there's no urgency in your life like scrambling to pay rent/mortgage, keep your job, care for a kid with a disability, or deal with an unfaithful spouse. you get bored, then you complain.

it's funny. i think the farther we move along from the 1930's-1940's the more people complain. there is no great depression, no world war so there's no urgency for a great many people. people have the luxery of sitting and staring at their bellybutton wondering "how come i'm not happy?" when there is no apparent reason they invent reasons. It must be my husband. or it must be my wife. maybe if i had a new job or moved, or had an affair.

madison avenue cashes in by marketing silliness - monster-sized tvs, ipods, razor phones, low-mileage suv's while we're in a war over oil. we're the laziest, most overfed, "gotta be entertained", self-absorbed culture in history. people can't stand the "dailiness" of life so they sulk, feel sorry for themselves.

if your malady is mlc or depression then i understand totally. otherwise count your blessings. you cannot be happy if you're not grateful. do volunteer work. there are tons of people who need help, even if it's volunteering to visit a senior once a week in a nursing home. get outside of yourselves. find a larger purpose. you sound so American.

... Sound so American

What's the response to that? "You sound so French"?

Let's wheel this conversation back to the original post and away from ad hominem attacks. Traindriver wrote: ... "Even end up feeling guilty about the fact that my life is actually pretty good in comparison to others & I shouldn't be feeling this way. But I am. I'm miserable."

Nothing in here indicates ungratefulness or excessively materialism. In fact the writer notes that he feels "guilty" for not being happy while having everything that he has.

Yes gratitude is important, in fact it considered a critical element of sustainable happiness.

I strongly recommend that you read two series of posts on our site. The first is to read everything relevant in our Midlife Crisis section, the second is to read our series of posts on Happiness. This latter series includes exercises that you can immediately start doing. Together these should go along way in helping you at least understand why you are feeling the way you do and what you might be able to do about it.

It is also possible that there is a medical reason for your feeling the way that you do. Most people go far too long between evaluations. If you are one of these then go in for a physical--including blood work. Things like over active thyroid can wreak havoc on a person.

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It is indulgent to complain when we have so much--when you look at it through one lens.

But through another lens it's clear that in those old times, such as wartimes and economic collapses, people couldn't be expected to evolve. They just dug in.

My Gramma grew up during the American depression, and when things got better, all she wanted was a nice house and a storage room full of canned goods.

Now, I expect myself to stop being self-absorbed and to get over myself, and begin to look at the worth of other people. I didn't lose everything I had. Instead I lost my illusions about myself.

I'm not done with my MLC yet. the St. John's Wort is kicking in.

L.A.

Although I am not an unmarried male and 38 but a 41 year old unmarried female, I recently went through a similar episode. Guess it has to do with wondering what the heck this life is all about, your role in the bigger picture. And yes, guilt feelings about having everything and still feeling miserable.

After a fourth burn out over the last 15 years, finally decided to get some professional help. This is what it has done for me: helped me clean up my mind and put things/life/my choices back in perspective pointed out some behavioral "traps" that spin me into depression identified the manner in which I react to the world around me and how this affects my life choices and behavior provided me with tools to deal with stress, frustration, confusion and decision making in a more constructive manner

Be prepared for facing the less flattering parts of yourself. (Luckily at the end of the process I can now say; "So what! That's part of me too!" and actually believe it) I am NOT impressed with books like "the Secret" (pretty much blahblah) but daily mental exercises such as driving in traffic jam without getting road rage, giving the guy trying to make a left turn a break, do help a lot. (You need to focus so hard on not wanting to crash into the moron who just cut you off, that you have less time to obsess about the other things!) Then you move on to the bigger issues...

Even though my life in itself has hardly changed (no, I did NOT go vegan or came to love "world music") but I am now more at ease and content with where I am and finally figured out who I am, where I would like to go from here and some idea of how to do that... It's painful hard work, but I guess we are given the opportunity to re-evaluate who and where we are and if you're lucky (= work hard at it) you give yourself a chance to change direction if you want to. And no children or spouses who have to suffer us through our confusion (smile).

"After a fourth burn out over the last 15 years, finally decided to get some professional help. This is what it has done for me: helped me clean up my mind and put things/life/my choices back in perspective pointed out some behavioral "traps" that spin me into depression..."

This is a good story and a good outcome. We don't hear nearly enough about the positive outcomes after these midlife episodes.

Good for you.

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Been reading and searching and I've got to admit I'm puzzled. I see books and discussions about women just passing 30 who are overwhelmed with life. I see articles about the married guy who is having a meltdown once the kids leave home. I see handbooks on how women should manage their husbands mid life crisis.

How come there is nothing for the successful single guy that wakes up one day and is totally lost at sea?

"How come there is nothing for the successful single guy that wakes up one day and is totally lost at sea?"

I'm not convinced there isn't a good book out there and on my "to do" list is researching this. We've worked with a few authors that have focused on men's issues and I've been meaning to follow up with them on whether they have something or can point me to a good resource. It is certainly under-represented. Some might say this is because it's a small market. I'm not so sure about that but lack the basis to even guess how common it is.

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"What a surprise to return to this site after over a year and see my original post edited and used for another person!"

First off, welcome back. Writing something person that ends up resonating with others happens far more than you could imagine. In fact our stats show that for every person who writes a comment over 1,000 are drawn to reading it.

We're so glad that you've made progress since your original post in so many different areas. You've also made a huge leap in that you see that it is rare that an outside individual can be the answer to anything. You state that you are trying to have patience and trust in yourself and yet in reading your post it is clear that you already possess both in abundance.

Once again, welcome back Adrienne.

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*Depression isn't sadness - it's a loss of perspective. And even though I know this on an intellectual level, I still need the help and guidance of a therapist to work my way through the maze of my feelings, let-downs and confusions.

This is the most useful thing I've read in a long time!

If you're unmarried at 38, for Christ sake stay that way ! You don't start seeing until about age 38 how incredibly STUPID marriage is. Marrige is made to make hard working, successful men into "start over" beggars. Get a girlfriend if you want. DO NOT let her move in. Can't get a woman ? Hookers are cheap. It's MUCH less costly to spend $200 a week on a hooker than being married. Think I'm crzy ? Ask any guy who's been divorced.

The thing is.,.,.you won't spend the $200 each week, every week, week in and week out. THIS is what makes being single so much more affordable !

I could never follow your advice.

I'm in the middle of a divorce and I have started to wonder about marriage. Fidelity and loyalty seem to exist in very rare circumstances. My wife hit her 40's and decided to dwell on what she didn't have. We live a very good, affluent life but it wasn't enough for her. So she wants a divorce. Marriage is not worth wasting on a person like that and I think there are tons of people like her. "If I can't get what I want then I'm gonna take my ball and go home." Or have an affair.

There are a lot of benefits of remaining single and avoiding divorce is certainly one. But there are also a lot of benefits of being in a relationship and intimacy is just one. I would certainly agree with advice to anyone of not getting married unless they are pretty sure that they think that they will/could be with this person for the rest of their life. Just the same I would advise friends to not lose someone who they think is the "one" over fear that someday that it might not turn out.

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The biggest issue as a mid-life unmarried is that even if you didn't subscribe to what the rest of the world wanted you to do (get married and have kids in your 20's as well as have a great career) and at the time the world said that it is OK if you didn't ...what happens is a great deal of maritalism at mid-life...you are subtly and consciously told that you are not worthy because you either made or did not make the decision to not follow the same path as everyone else. Your parents, your friends, people you don't know, the media etc. all seem to tell you this. You face a persistent loneliness that marrieds don't understand and with no kids at this stage (which you had expected) aren't sure what to do with your life (as prescribed by society (amazing how that creeps in) - you ask what is your purpose.

But the "grass is always greener on the other side." You have to be proud of what you have accomplished, how much you have survived lost loves and disappointments, and recognize that if still single at 38 you have not only a very strong staying power, and a freedom (even though it may bore you) that allows you to keep learning things that you would have never learned if married. You need to look at what are your strengths, what you have given the world and look to reconfigure how you want your future to be. You get to choose how you want to construct your future, how you want to use those skill sets that you have and give them back to the world. You only have to support you, which means those choices to do what will make you happy are unemcumbered. You just need to do a lot of thinking about what is next for you. Your purpose is still yours, not theirs, and remember only you can celebrate what you do well, what you can apply to your future to create that path.

I would add that "Depression is anger and rage turned inward."

"I want to be the person my dogs think I am."