Marriage Counseling 101

Marriage counseling is something that often talked about and recommended but still a mystery for many. The web site Best Kept Secret has an interview with a psychotherapist on this topic. Here is an excerpt:

The Best Kept Secret: We used to talk about the "seven year itch". Is there a period in a marriage that is traditionally fraught with pitfalls?

Catherine Coyle: The 18 to 20 year mark seems to be a rough spot. I think the empty nest, coupled with the transitions that occur during midlife, can be hard on a marriage. It’s a time people do a lot of reassessing and asking “Why”, and “What do I do now?”

TBKS: What are some of the reasons people come to you for help?

CC: There are a few things I see over and over. Most people will say they’re unhappy but when you boil it down, it often comes down to unmet expectations.

Sometimes one partner has grown or changed when the other person hasn’t and suddenly the team isn’t what it always was.

Marriage is also hard work and over time, romance becomes a tiny part of the marriage. Keeping the household going takes up most of a couple’s time. I often hear disagreements about who is doing what around the house. The reason this is a problem is because it translates into feelings of resentment. There’s a fine balance between knowing when not to nit pick and when you need to speak up.

Sometimes people have already stepped out of the relationship in that they may be having an affair or are thinking about it.

Click through to the link above for the full interview. I find the comment about the "rough spot" at 18-20 years particularly interesting since this matches many of the experiences of LifeTwo readers. The comment about "unmet expectations" also resonates with many of the comments posted on this site. A common sentiment of marriages in trouble is exactly that, expectations not being met. Sometime these expectations seem to appear to appear out of nowhere. Trying to determine if this is the case or that they've just been repressed for most of the marriage is likely one of the goals of the therapy sessions.