Shame and Midlife Change

Most of us like to think that a mutually agreed upon divorce or simple job lay off is not shameful. But something in our culture and deep within our own psyche begs to differ. I found my own divorce to feel quite shameful. What I say now is that any divorce, no matter how mutally desired, traumatizes the people involved and feels like a failure on some level. Of course, it doesn’t help that the people around you may start treating you different…like you have a contagious disease or something!

I had some women friends who literally dumped me after the divorce, especially those whose greatest fear was that they might one day end up just like me. I really fought the feeling that I was a failure, but it sure didn’t help that the bottom fell out of my standard of living. The most depressing part for me was the old, cold dumpy little house I had to move into because my X had made most of the money in the marriage, while I had kept the home fires burning. At least I still had a good part-time job. It was my saving grace.

I fixed up my house slowly, as I could afford it, nursing my sad and shameful soul until I started to feel a bit better about myself. Then my mean and vindictive boss laid me off, simply because he didn’t like me. This was the blow that completely threw me for a loop! I grieved for a while and then reframed my situation in my own mind. I changed my crisis into an opportunity. Screw them all, I was going to survive and thrive through this transition! The kind of stubborness created from pure anger really helps in situations like this!

I started my own business, a local dating service, and greatly enjoyed the distraction it created in my life. Things could be worst than meeting lots of cool older singles, having parties for them, etc. Through this process I realized that I still believed in love! In other words, I started taking full responsibility for my life and where it might lead next, and it felt really good.

Please see more of my story at: www.midlifecrisisqueen.com