Wondering after years, what can I do for fun?

I'm going to come at the issue you raised (relationship with your wife), from a slightly different direction and share with you a tip that might be applicable.

The basic premise is that a good way to get someone interested in the things you are doing is to make sure you are doing interesting things. So you take the lead on doing things in your life that are new and notable. Give your spouse the opportunity to participate but not the obligation. If they aren't all that interested in your new thing encourage them to come up with something that they really like. (At a minimum this will dispel the notion that you 'don't know how to have fun').

I think one big problem is that by midlife we've gotten in a rut. As you noted, we've put childrearing in the forefront and that reduces both the ability and the need to do interesting things. (I'm going to do a post on exactly this point based on a recent story in the Wall Street Journal and will link it from here).

While in that rut, we do the same things with the same people. I remember as a teenager lying around the house one summer and my mom would come in and ask me if there wasn't something else, pretty much anything else, that I'd rather be doing? I'd respond that there was nothing to do--so there I lay watching TV thinking how boring everything was. I believed it and could not muster up any motivation to do something about it. Of course, in reality there were hundreds of thing to do but when you are caught in that rut (or in adolescence) you don't always see it that way. I think that tendency to inertia never leaves us and is always lurking if we give it the chance. Midlife is that chance.

One thing you might want to do is create a "100 Things To Do Before I Die" list. LifeTwo is going to focus on this in the future and you can still find several posts on it in our "Living Life To The Fullest" section or by searching on "Before I Die" keyword or in the search box.

11 years ago I realized (rather suddenly) that my job was not challenging (but stressful), I wasn't doing the kinds of things I liked, and that life was passing me by in a way that just didn't seem right. A friend told me to create a "Before I Die" list and then to start knocking them off. I did and I have never looked back. This site, LifeTwo, was one of the things on the list in that I had listed starting a new company.

As I noted at the beginning, you raised several issues and this a simplistic approach to just one but you might want to give it a try and let us know how it works. Maybe even help us craft an approach for covering it on this site.

By the way, you might enjoy this series of posts on happiness. It had a series of exercises that I think everyone should do.

As I noted at the top, none of this really addresses your primary issue, which is the relationship with your life. But I think first things first. People are naturally attracted to happy and productive people. If you are in a rut it's easy to imagine your wife feeling some of the things listed. By you taking the lead on tackling your own midlife blues, you both set and example and make your self more appealing. Without a doubt you will want to also address the communication issues you've noted with your wife but as I'm sure you know, it is a lot easier to change your own behavior that someone else's so why not start there?

Hope this has helped.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

I think it's time to start my bucket list.

Go camping in Mexico or Costa Rica Ride or somehow work with mules and/or donkies Cut my hair short Teach English as a Second Language

to be continued...

Fun used to be getting together with friends and laughing and doing fun things. We weren't made of glass then. We'd make mistakes and forgive each other, full of the reassurance that something new would come along. Now? I'm struggling with how intolerant people have become.

Lisa wrote... "I think it's time to start my bucket list."

Absolutely.

We've written on this several times. It is a wonderful tool, exercise or whatever you want to call it. But writing down what you want to do is highly recommended and beneficial. It's the first step to actually doing it.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

I started mine today, but it looks pretty imposing already...

Get my Sport Sailplane and/or Sport Powered Pilot ratings

Learn to skydive (maybe, still thinking about this one)

Learn to SCUBA dive

Visit the UK, Europe, Australia and NZ

Return to living in the Caribbean (I was raised in Puerto Rico)

Fly supersonic in a modern jet fighter

See more live music concerts

To be continued...

"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)

This is a great idea! Three nights ago, I was chatting with a very close friend who has been such a blessing....my wife is away for a while, and he's been like a rock...always sort of guiding me back to clarity while my mind and emotions are stormy. Anyway, he has been putting some loving pressure on me to explore this issue of "what can i do to have fun and feel alive." It should be an easy question, but i'm having a tough time answering it....hope i'm not being overly philosophical, but exploring this is allowing me to consider a large part of my identity that i have been overlooking for a really long time.

now that i'm alone, it's a wonderful opportunity to discover what i like without having to compromise with my wife. i can really focus on "me." but i really have no idea how to have fun :)

i've been going to a site called meetup.com for some ides....things that pique my interest. i think i just need to sample lots of different things to find out what i like and what's really fun for me. so far, i think i'd like to try traveling somewhere exotic, exploring a totally different culture. i'm thinking maybe india or thailand! also taking some dancing lessons would be great. going to museums. i feel there is so much freedom to do anything, so many opportunities for fun! i'm looking at events websites, local publications that tell you what's happening near here. i just have to get out and start doing things that are fun, even i think they won't be.

there's a "games and recreation" meetup tomorrow and also a hiking group. i'm going to go!

Yellow Lab, maybe? I have a houseful of Shelties.

I know the feeling of "not knowing how to have fun." It sounds really odd unless you're experiencing it. My hobbies mostly seem stale and boring to me these days. Some hobby projects have been sitting for a couple of years...and that bothers me. I feel like I "should" finish them, but the fire and interest isn't there anymore.

I'm still quite married and see no change in that, though we are seeking some counseling. My wife and I are exploring ideas for things to do as a couple and solo, but we just started. She's not in MLC, but I am up to my eyeballs in one. I definitely agree that it's a good idea to try things that we don't think we'll like.

I've started looking closely at the newspaper entertainment and "Life" sections, Ticketmaster, etc. for concerts, get-togethers and activities. (We're about a 90 minute drive from Washington DC.) The Smithsonian is calling me, for one thing.

"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)

yup, amigo is a yellow lab. dogs are lots of fun, aren't they?

i think part of the dilemma of trying to figure out how to have fun is that i like the alone time....where i don't have to "do" anything. i think guys relate to this more than women. when i get to sit and do nothing...it's like recharging my batteries. solitude is fun..to me at least. or just hanging out with friends, going to eat, have a beer or two and just talk about whatever. sounds boring, but that's enough for me.

i'm not sure how athletically inclined you are, dazed, but brazilian jiujitsu has been a great outlet for me....or any kind of sport where you work with a partner. it's been several months, but i think i should start again.

maybe dancing classes with your wife?? also, there are some great weekend retreat places for couples that want to learn massage therapy or something like that. you go away, relax together, do some meditation, learn thai massage techniques or whatever, go out in nature hikes, meet new people..... there's omega institute, kripalu center in mass....probably some retreat places nearby.

This post hits close to home for me. We went for years making excuses of hot having time or money to do things. then we had kids, they do seem to suck the hours out of a day, especially weekends. We went through all of this and it was a huge part of the distance that was created between my wife and I. Of course, there is all the house projects htat kept me busy, the shopping my wife did to escape the house, on and on... Well, i can tell you that we have been making a concerted effort to both change those habbits. We have had more time as a couple in the past 8 months than we did for the past 5 years. Crazy isn't it. We try to make more time for us as a family to do things with our kids, and the new attitude is Quality vs Qauntity. That is so key!, Quality of time spent, especially with kids will give them what they want from you, "YOU" and not take as much time from you because you weren't really there and obviously less quality.

It takes some serious work if you were in a rut like my wife and I were, but wow are the benefits of that worth it. We have been doing all sorts of different things, so we can find out what works for both of us. Sometimes we do things that the other doesnt really want to do, but we give in because it is important to that other person.

I think a bucket list is awesome, but that to me is not really what having fun is in the day to day of life. That is things that we want to do before we die. Having fun with your spouse is so much more than that. It all revolves around Presence... Being present when you play with your child of doing whatever it is with your spouse. Present meaning Quality.

Go to a Billiard and play pool, throw darts, put some music from when you were together or even before you were and enjoy it together while playing pool. Go to the beach, alone without the kids or go hiking or to the mountains if there are no beaches nearby. Whatever the event, be there, enjoy it and enjoy the company. My wife loves to shop, I HATE it. I like to golf, (though it takes a lot of balls to golf the way i do) my wife is not into that. So what , we have some things we do seperately and that is good.

Anyway, thats my 2 cents.

Good day all

Dave