Lessons learned from my wife's midlife crisis

Great first article!

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

I'm very proud of you. Nice 1st article. I'm sure it will be a blessing to all who read it. WTG!!

Thanks very much - for those wondering what my picture icon is it is an "endless knot" which represents Wisdom, Compassion and Time - kind of sums me and my situation up

Regards Stu UK

great article i forward it to a friend. it helped me i am sure it will help her!

In my case, the title should be changed to "Lessons I'm LEARNING ..." because I'm still in the barrel going over Niagra Falls with her. I'm reminded of the cartoon version of Alladin starring Robin Williams where the genie says, " What doesn't kill you makes you stronger ... and you'd be surprised what you can live through." Stu's lessons are very helpful and can be applied to anyone in the middle of a MLC situation. I'm finding that it's 2 steps forward, 1 step back - but at that rate, I'm still making progress. Reading and writing posts have made a real difference because I can draw upon the experience of others undergoing the same trials that I am. I don't know what the end result will be but I'm learning to accept uncertainty and the fact that I can only control myself - not her. We're still talking and it's like we're best friends and that's what a relationship should be built on. I think we've forgotten that.

Buddy

Nice eye opener Stu!My wife just decided to end it after 13 years of marriage, a typical mlc syndrome occurred before that and I'm pretty much devastated right now.One good thing though is that I'm starting to move on but its really hard, how I wish this could all be over soon.Or how I wish I could finally move on and put my life back together without my wife.The hard part is that for how so many years you are together,thru thick and thin and all of a sudden she forgets everything and treats you like a stranger,how hurting and heartbreaking.I am just very thankful for discovering this site for at least I feel I am not alone.

My wife did exactly the same thing after 19 years. Just want to be on her own. Very focussed, wants to party and "go on" with her life. Three teenage children. She moved out and is staying on her own very confused and apparantly crying a lot. It has been two months now and she hasn't started actual divorce proceedings because "she is too busy". I am moving on with my life as before and have done a lot of soul searching but also realised there was not much I could do differently and at the moment I act "normal" towards her. My biggest concerns with a divorce under these circumstances are: 1. We have children and build a family life because that is how we are wired. This family life eventually extends when the children are getting married and have children of their own. I believe that that is most gratifying when a husband and a wife are still together as a family at that point in life. 2. Children likes to come home to their parents. There is no better feeling than when your own mother and father are still together. 3. To be alone because you have chosen to break up your own family for selfish reasons must be a bitter pill to swallow.

Dear Stuart...... A few more like you can certaily make the whole world change. KEEP IT UP. BRAVO. srzh jammyidylliac@gmail.com

Hey All, My wife and I were together 25 years and have five children. I'm in the U.S. Navy. My wife, was my partner, my best friend and my lover. Over the years she said that she didn't get to go to exotic places and have time for personal and professional development. In Dec 2006 an opportunity for her to go to the Middle East and work as a Navy contractor came up and I was serving in a job that gave me the flexibility to take care of the kids. So, I suggested that she take the job, so she could see what she (wasn't) missing and I could "walk in her shoes." I felt it would be a good thing for our already great relationship. The kids and I took her to the airport and all cried when she left. She called twice a day, but after a month or so began complaining about calling "so frequently." Eventually her calls to the kids dropped off all together. She came back the following Easter and then again for the 4th of July and both times I noticed a change in her, but wrote it off to the 30 hr flight, jet lag and deployment adjustment. In August, we closed on the (very expensive) house we'd been renting for a couple of years. She was completely engaged in that deal and it took her salary to help us qualify. Less than a month later, on her final visit home in Oct '07 before her time was to finish in Dec '07, she told me on the way home from the airport that she'd been having an affair with a married man, that she was in love with him and that they were going to be together. I was shocked and deeply hurt. She said she hadn't loved me in years, even though she appeared so happy throughout that period. Even our grown children couldn't believe it! She spent a week here being angry with me, telling me that she that "she loved me, but wasn't in love with me anymore." It's been six months now. For three of those last six, I couldn't function. I sobbed daily. Family, friends and counseling helped. I think also having the responsibility of the children who remained at home, of holding down my job and of fulfilling my financial obligations helped me to snap out of it and at least press on. She came back in December after our two oldest sent her a barrage of hate email, but only to explain to the kids what she needs in her "new" life. She spent Christmas Eve with us. We talked and she told me that she was done with being the "mule" for the kids and I. She was finished with responsibility and obligation and it was her turn to be selfish. She's refused to apologize saying that since she feels no guilt, she has no reason to apologize. I told her that apologies are not based on whether you do or don't feel guilt, but to say sorry to those you've hurt. She remains defiant in her stance and completely convinced of her position. She moved back to our town and went right into an apartment. For these past six months she's sat there every night by herself while I continued to take care of our family, cooking dinners, doing laundry, making lunches for school and helping with homework. She was a professional Info Technology Manager, but couldn't get a job in this town when she came back so she went to work at the "Bargain Mart," a mom and pop little supermarket. About a month ago, I stopped by to see her boss, whom I know as a previous friend. He said she can't make it to work on time (by 10:00 am!!) and that she always wants to leave early. She's also taken to spending her lunch hour sitting in her car in the parking lot of her work. He said he would have fired her already, but she'd given notice to leave and so he agreed to keep her on for the remaining few weeks. He said she'd been a super star when she worked there for a few months before she went overseas, but when she came back, she was nearly useless, lacking responsibility, liveliness and motivation. Of note, after she came home the first thing she collected from our house was not the pictures of our children or other family mementos, but all of the bottles in our liquor cabinet. She took only the hard liquor, leaving the wine and beer. She said that I "controlled" her and didn't let her drink, but liked her new boyfriend because he joined her in drinking and didn't make a big deal about it. BTW, her Dad was a life-long alcoholic before she was born and all the way through his death a few years ago, so I did watch how much she drank as a concern. My limit for her was two drinks, which usually left her tipsy. Today she can put down several mixed drinks and not be affected by them. The unfortunate part of this entire episode is that we really did have a wonderful marriage. Everyone including family, our own kids, our friends and even me, thought we were the perfect couple and model for the perfect marriage of friendship, companionship, partnership and love. Nobody can understand what happened, but how can I explain when I don't understand! We've had our first court date based on her desire to quickly get this over with so she can be with her lover and we have the final one in a few weeks. What a sorry ending for a beautiful 25 year relationship. While I think the alcohol may have something to do with it, I haven't had the opportunity to see her in action because she went right into an apartment. I begged her family to get her some help or counseling, but they've all taken her side when she said she hid her unhappiness so well and have ostracized me. That pain on top of the rejection from my life-long partner was very hurtful. I was their son and brother. My own family all cried when they found out she did this. Extended family, including uncles and aunts who've all known her, cried real tears when they heard she ran off and left our family. I am hurting, but with each hateful exchange from her, I understand that my wife is gone forever and has been replaced by this despicable excuse for a woman. She had been a true supermom and wife. While she worked hard as the mother of five children, she was never anyone's "mule" and always had me as her partner to help with household chores, cooking dinners, children's homework and just plain moral support, as evidenced by my willingness to hold down the fort for a year while she took a year sabbatical to work on professional growth. My brother and friends often told me I was making them look bad because I helped so much around the house and wives of friends often commented on it. This is not to say she wasn't engaged, because she truly was. She was the picture of moral values and could accomplish anything she set her mind to. Today, she condones infidelity, because "it's not adultery, it's love." She's abdicated her responsibility and obligation as the mother of five children and wife to me. She condemned me for being arrogant, saying I thought I was too good. She referred to my education and my career. I came in as an enlisted man, but later transitioned to the officer corps when I finished a bachelor degree and eventually two masters degrees. I've been successful in my career, have worked hard, have deployed and taken hard jobs, but have never put my family second. By contrast, her boyfriend, who is also in the Navy (career enlisted), doesn't have a high school diploma or GED and hasn't accomplished one meaningful thing in his life. He fancies himself a Harley biker guy, but doesn't even own a Harley! He dresses like a biker and she eats it up!! She proudly displays a picture of the two of them in her apartment on the back of a Harley that's sitting on the display floor of a Harley Davidson sales office! She looks ridiculous with a huge grin on her face, while he sits there hands on the handle bars looking smug! I can't even believe the two of them. He's told my wife he cheated throughout his 18 year marriage to his wife, but never loved her. They have two high school aged daughters and a 13 year old son with Tourette's Syndrome. I told my wife that she should speak to his wife directly before climbing into this guy's bed again, but she insists he's telling the truth and that his wife knows. She says he'll leave his wife after our divorce is final. I've told her that if he wanted to leave her, he would have left years ago, but she refuses to believe it. She said he asked her to marry him and she's especially happy because he's Catholic (I was raised Protestant), and they can go to church together!! BTW, we always found common ground in religion, getting married in the Catholic church after I attended the necessary indoctrination. I took special care and time to ensure our children were raised in God. While we didn't attend services regularly, we did hold Bible study here at the house and followed a spiritual path. Okay, I've written a book. I'll sign off, but I'm heartened to know that I'm not insane and that I'm not the only man out there going through this. I will finish raising our children. I will try not to hate. I will get through this and I will find love again someday. Bryan

Bryan, thank you for sharing your story/life with all of us. After reading your story I am left feeling saddened and empty feeling, which is a testament to your ability to write and express feelings with words that leave the reader with a mirror or glimpse of your heart and your pain.

I hope that all who read your words will take the time to put themselves in you and your family's shoes. To feel the pain, even for a moment, that is inflicted on those around you. Those who choose to leave and or have an affair on their spouse and family need to read your story, just to give them one last thought if necessary, before they destroy all those around them, even if they feel justified at the time the ramifications are sometimes irrepriable.

I hope all works out for you and your children. I am just so saddened for you that I really do not know what to say to ease your pain or lift your spirits. I can only say that you will get through this and hopefully you will inspire others in their stuggles. Take care.

It all started with the famous statment " I am not happy" then progressed to its not you its me, then I love you but I am not in love with you any more. You see my wife joined a swinger group at her hospital were she works royaloak boumont ER in Michigan. You want to talk about stepping off the deep end? WOW I was crushed, destroyed and absolutly ashamed and humiliated. How does one return from such a crushing blow? On top of that my two little girls report to me about the endless parade of black men comming into her house. Again I am completly humiliated. There are no words to explain my anger and my now seething hatred. Its hard to not be sucked into some crazy cycle of hate and retrobution. The woman even killed my dog while I was away on drill for the army reserve. So to all who think they got it bad, at least your wife is not getting 500 miles of penis run threw her and getting bookended by bubba in some sick twisted orgey at 36 years of age. It is quite possable in the near future I will put my gun in my moth and see what is next.

I think you might want to take the name of the hospital out of your post. Just speaking from experience, names are trouble. You could get sued.

Do you want your girls to have their dad a suicide? Cause them lifelong pain and trauma.

There is something in life after pain, shame and humiliation. You have it in you to return to life! You will find it at the bottom of your soul.

I'll be hoping you work through this. You are changeable.

It sounds to me like you could have a very good chance at full custody of your kids. Perhaps you could focus on getting them out of that horrible environment instead of focusing on your own (understandable) pain and disgust.

This is what we need to read. Thanks for caring enough to sit down and write about it. Good luck to you.

Hi Have just visited a website that was reccomended in a previous post divorcebusting.com Can very much advise that it is well worth the visit.. Some excellent articles, The problem I am having with my wifes MLC is her complete refusal that her feelings have anything to do with MLC and am agonizing as to how to ask her to read articles as any previous attempts have been met with scorn and arguement as to how she doesnt need anyone to tell her how she feels or that she may be wrong or misunderstand the feelings that are very real to her. Take a look at the site its well worth a visit and if anyone has any ideas as to how I can get my wife to face inwards to herself and explore her feelings and read some of this any help or advice would be very much appreciated. Chris UK

Usually people can't bring themselves to face themselves until there's absolutely no other choice. I don't know how to make that happen.

The majority of women and men who are in MLC are in complete and total denial about the state that they are in. They know certain things...they're frustrated, confused, fighting emotions that when looked at deeply are extremely primal...they are dealing with "fight or flight." Their behaviors have no rhyme or reason to those who are looking in...but to the MLCer these emotions are real and intense...they think they are using reason to make their decisions, but they really are only using emotion...it is all very reactionary. No matter how you look at it Dorothy is running, she is caught up in the tornado and no matter what you do she is on The Yellow Brick Road trying to get the Emerald City to get help from the Wizard. Toto, you aren't in Kansas anymore!

With this in mind, there is very little that Toto can do to get Dorothy to see that she always had the power to go home...she is on a journey of self discovery...she has to learn that the MLC is NOT about the marriage/relationship...it IS all about who she is, the role she plays in her own life, the fact that she has not resolved childhood issues and that she has lost her identity in all the other roles she has played throughout her life.

IMHO, so many web sites and books that deal with marriage/relationships tell husbands and wives of spouses who stray that the answer lies in solving the problems within the marriage. The most important fact that is NOT stressed is that the MLC is NOT primarily a marriage crisis...it is an identity crisis first...for the marriage to heal or be regained...the MLCer must redefine themselves, unpack a lot emotional baggage, heal and be a whole person again before many of the strategies that they suggest will work.

Dorothy has been silently screaming for years..."What about me? What about me?" The caretaker, the doer of all things in the family's life is exhausted, overwhelmed, burned out, empty and lost...they have been fighting this feeling for a long time with little or no acknowledgment that there is something building here. They may have been stuffing these feelings, only to have them rise to the top over and over again, until there is no denying that something must be done about it. The action they take is: "If no one is going to take care of me, then by God, I will take care of me!" The anger and denial that spouses see is Dorothy's hell-bent desire to take care of the business that everyone else has seemed to be ignoring all along. THIS is why she/he refuses to read the books, goes to the web sites to read or learn about what may be going on in their life at this time.

The best thing you can do in this is to decide who you are in her story: are you Toto along for the ride/journey OR are you Auntie Em and Uncle Henry patiently waiting on the farm, if and when Dorothy returns? In either case, what you decide to do is integral to the result. Since Dorothy runs...she needs boundaries and dealbreakers set...you must be detached enough and have your priorities straight in your own mind, so that you will back up your words when she crosses the line in her/his self discovery. Read and learn, read and learn from others who have gone through the same journey. Understand that the percentage of people who are going through this focus on the wrong aspects of the problem first...it is NOT about your marriage primarily...it is secondary...it is about the person who is on the Yellow Brick Road. Gain an understanding of why your wife or husband IS where they are today...this will give you insight in to what you can do to subltly facilitate their realization that it is about them individually and not about you and the marriage. Since Dorothy is off to OZ, reprioritize your life: make your health and yourself the number one priority, along with the care and nurture of your children, if you have them...this will serve you well whether Dorothy returns or not. Keep your head about yourself...ask for help when things get out of hand...deal with your anger...do not stuff your emotions, yet do not not act on negative emotions. Take care of your children...they are the innocents in this whole situation...they are the one's who will reap the damage that may be done during this difficult time.

For the spouses of Women in MLC: Read these books: "The Worn Out Woman" and "The Walk Out Woman" by Dr. Steve Stephnens and ALice Grey; "The Female Brain" by Louann Brizendine, M.D.; "If Only He Knew: Understanding Your Wife", "Winning Your Wife Back" by Gary Smalley

For the spouses of Men in MLC: Read this book: "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger; " Winning Your Husband Back Before It Is Too Late" by Gary Smalley.

For all: "Torn Asunder: Recovering From Extramartial Affairs" by Dave Garder; "Four Seasons of Marriage" by Gary Chapman; "Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Subtle approach: Leave these books around the house (bathroom is an excellent place), in your car, in the kitchen. Go to web sites where women/men are talking about their MLC...print out discussions...strategically leave around house, in their car...give them to her friends for them to pass along to her...Never give it to them yourself...at this point they will be dismissed, thrown away...they will just get more angry at you for telling them what is going on with them. The most you can do at this time is try...plant seeds...it is up to them if they will grow.

Dorothy's have to travel the Yellow Brick Road and learn the lessons to finally realize they have always had the power to come home...they won't believe you if you tell them...most are out trying to find the answer from the Great and Powerful Oz...and we here in Kansas already know that he doesn't have the answer.

For more help and understanding: Women in MLC: The Dorothy Syndrome: http://www.womeninmlc.lefora.com/forum/

Hi Lisa I know that you are more than likely right. I think I have gone about it all wrong over the last 9 months of what might sound over dramatic but mind numbing Trauma. I have found it so hard to think any more than a day away. My main mistake is to think that I can appeal to what I thought was reason about the long term sacrifices for her short term gains. And every time I try she reacts with a look of complete disdain and tells me she I dont understand that this about her loss of feelings. I have tried to tell her that I can and do understand that but that feelings are often stil there but need to be fuelled and can be found again etc etc. Every time I promise myself to not try again like a fool I keep thinking of a different approach and try again in the hope that I can reach in there somehow and touch the person that I love so very deeply but I cant find in her anymore. Why does loving someone so much have to hurt so much ? used to think I was strong until I got my " I love you but am not in with you speech and want you to leave " We are still living in the same house, different rooms now but it makes it so tough. Its hard living in the same home that we have both worked so hard for and knowing that what she would really like is for be me to be elsewhere. Its almost like to not try is to show her that I dont care either and that she is right and our marriage is not worth saving and yet I know that to keep trying is fuelling what she says. I have told her that I am not prepared to move ut and she says she isnt either and that the house will have to be sold. I have said as this is what she wants then she must take control of that and put it up for sale. She keeps puyig it off and I dont know if to take it that she has doubts or is trying to push me to the point of having had enough and leaving. All I know is that it is driving me nuts. She has always been a very strong person and in all our 25 years together I have never known her admit to being wrong or having self doubt about anything she has ever decided so I am on a hiding to nothing perhaps. I have never hurt her or been abusive dont drink gamble etc etc have never been unfaithful. My only crime apparently has to assume she was happy, not tell her enough that I love her and make her feel taken for granted and unimportant. She tells me her only crime is to have fallen out of love with me. Just dont know what to do. Despite all the hurt she has inflicted and the length of time this has gone on I just cannot get to grips with the thought of being without her in the future and not sharing a life with her. She knows how much I think of her but am told it is to late to fix what in her mind is so badly broken . Dont think I stand a chance really. I just find it so hard to give up on someone who is so special to me and that makes me feel so unimportant. She cringes if I go to touch her hand or waist and that feels like a knife being put in my when we used to be so close. Maybe someday soon she may come to terms on her own but her strong determined I am never wrong personality that she has always had leaves me with massive doubts and I know that I have to stop trying to help that process along. Never dreamt I would ever find myself in this position with her and it is such a cruel thing to be living through. Chris

We're both in the same boat, and have communicated about this already. You wrote that you thought I was strong in my take on the situation, but, like you, I am truly heartbroken at this turn in my marriage.

My husband and I went out together the other day, and I went to hold his hand a number of times. Later that evening, he told me that he didn't like holding my hand because I "disgust" him. This, from the guy who doesn't have any trouble having sex on an almost-daily basis with me, his 46 year old wife who is all-of a size 6.

Comments like his just tell me that I really have no chance of him ever growing to love me again.

There is no way that I will make things easy for him if he chooses not to give us a try. I just don't understand how things got like this, and I probably never will. I guess I should understand the 5 Stages of Grief, and deal with my loss now.

Sorry, once again, for your situation.

My husband has been known, when we've fought, to give me the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is more than just not talking to someone. When it happens, it's like a wall of Siberian ice descends around him in terms of the emotional connection between us. That connection is something I always took for granted until I started getting this silent treatment, and then I realized that we tacitly count on the other person being with us, and that it can be taken away.

It makes me furious when it happens. It doesn't happen often because I know it's pure emotional manipulation. I know he doesn't know he's being manipulative--it's just that he feels he can't talk to me because I'll attack him, so the only recourse is to block me out.

I've learned to deal with it this way: Never fight about it. Tell him I need to take a break from the way things are. Go sleep in the basement and just keep myself busy and distracted until he comes out of it. He's done it four times over our marriage and every time he does it my love dies more and it's hard to get it back. It's like a forge, tempering my cutting blade. I hope to use this sword for good.

Now, I know what you're talking about with your wife isn't her giving you the silent treatment.

But she's using your own feelings to hurt you, isn't she? I don't want to demonize her, because I really don't know. This can happen without the person knowing per se that they're doing it. But you do, because you're feeling tortured, right?

You have to defend yourself in a peaceful, nonviolent way. Every time you start to think, "maybe if I..." try cutting off that thought and go find something busy to do that takes your mind off things. And when you feel hurt inside, give yourself a hug. Sounds silly, but it feels just like when you had a grownup to run to when you got hurt when you were little.

There's an elastic band between people. You're pulling on your end and she's going to let that elastic snap. Well, let go of your end of it.

I'm suggesting this based on personal experience. If it makes sense, that's good but if it doesn't, then that's okay. I'm not a therapist, I'm just a long-time navel gazer.

So, don't be the one who gets pushed, okay? Stand your ground and let go of the rubber band if you can.

Thank you both for your response. Am going to try the silent treatment by that not shutting off but by trying to be me and silencing the self demeaning trying to reason, emotion and the very real tears. I think the elastic band analogy is spot on and my face stings from the recoil. Off to get busy, I think im a decent guy, not perfect by any means and it really is time for me to see that again in me. Tough under torture but ive endured this so far. Thank You. Chris

I am still navigating around this very enlightening site and came across this article. Thankyou Stu.

I appear to be going through the storm right now. 10 months of pain, crying, desparation. My wife is looking for rented property and seems intent on leaving me and taking our children. I have posted on other threads (MLC, Will I lose her for good...) so you can see I've had all the classic lines.

I still love you but I'm not in love with you.

Its not you, its me.

I'm so sorry for putting you through this.

My feelings have changed, I don't know why but they have.

I just want to be happy again.

etc.

The things that make me so sad are reluctance to even discuss this with anyone. If only she would try. And also the complete loss of value she used to place on her relationship with me and our lovely secure homelife. Where could that have gone?

I cannot believe that she is putting her own feelings above our childrens let alone mine. I don't think I could ever imagine doing that.

I sometimes feel a little stronger and imagine a more confident me getting through this. Then I realise I don't want it to happen. My wife is everything I could ever want. We had a perfect loving relationship. I fell in love with her and we built a life, raised the kids and had dreams and goals. I want to get to the end with her, to grow old. How can this thing come off the rails now? You always think your partner is going to carry the same thoughts and values. It is earth-shattering to find that change can happen.

I am treading a fineline at the moment. My instinct is to remain true to myself, to treat her with respect, to keep trying to understand. But it seems like that irritates her. almost as if she would be happier if I faded away and stopped struggling. But I have to try everything to try and save this. I have worked 20 years at this. Its bizarre that she whould want to throw it away.

There is no obvious reason. It might be easier if there was. There is noone else (I think). I haven't hurt her. I haven't ignored her. Indeed I have always gone out of my way to tell her I love her deeply. Having a wonderful wife that shared my love was the greatest comfort I could ever have in this crazy world. It felt lovely. She was special to me. There is only one of her. For that reason I covet our love and want it to be happy ever after.

Maybe I place too much value in what we have. I haven't known another relationship like it so what can I compare it to? I know I was lucky to find her. And that makes it hard to think of losing her.

I don't know what she's going to do in the next few weeks. I hope that if she leaves and has space then she may find a realisation of what she had. If I remain true to myself and understanding, hopefully she will see I am still here and that I am what she wants. Maybe she needs to experience the rough side of life to see the warmth and love we had? I don't wish that on her but how on earth is she ever going to come back to me unless she has something to compare it with?

I am very alone right now. I am trying to use my friends and family but they cannot give me that intimate love that a partner can.

I pray, but my faith is shaken. I ask if we took those vows in church how can he let this happen to us? Surely he would protect the institution that he blessed? It makes no sense that we can raise children within a happy marriage and then it be allowed to crumble because of this change in her. I really don't know what to believe right now. People tell me everything happens for a reason but I cannot see that reason at the moment.

Maybe in time I will find happiness. Having survived 10 months of this scary ride I can say I have learnt the value of family and true friends. I have experienced strangers giving freely of their concern and advice. I have also found strength in knowing what this change is and that it affects many, many women. However, it doesn't get my wife back to the loving woman I knew only a short time ago. That is still where I want to be. I hope and pray for that every night.

Des24

Hiya Des24

I am 2 and a half years into this and i still feel "alone" sometimes to be honest. I know where you are right now and kind of know where your wife is and none of it will make sense - she will not understand the hurt and what she has done to you and the family she is too consumed with searching in herself for something whatever that may be - she is in a storm, her world is grey and no matter what you do you cannot control it only yourelf and your children. Sadly it can go on for years but should we sit and wait in the vain hope that one day she will pop out of this chaos and announce "i'm back" no we cant because the clock keeps ticking and we will make ourselves ill in the process - you gain strength, resolve and focus you have too - you cant dwell on it - it sounds like you "truly" love her and she is your soulmate and sometimes people jsut say that because of the loneliness they are in but even after 2 and a half years i can say i still truly love my wife and she is my soulmate but i dont have her, that is like and i have been dealing with it for so long - am i happy yes and no i suppose and its that deep rooted love for someone even though they have ripped your heart open. my heart got ripped open and a picture of my wife fell out but over time i repaired it but not before putting that picture back in - do you see - its how you keep moving forward - i am going to post something on the wife midlife crisis forum prob tomorrow when i have time about something that happened last night because even now as strong as i thought i was - i thought i was "there" i am not fully and i will explain why - you take care -

Stu UK

Hi Stu, Thank you for that. I wonder if you have been able (or even want) to move on relationship wise? Do you still hold that wish that she will emerge from this and find you again? I realise we are all different and no matter what anecdotes we hear, our own story will be different, but there are so many common features to this its hard not to apply it to your own circumstance. I think I have to be true to myself and be brave so that even if she does this and makes a mess of things I can accept her back with forgiveness. Of course I realise I don't have a divine right to her love. It has to be freely given. But after 20 years of her loving me, its so confusing not to think of her wanting me. I have a very difficult time ahead if she goes, trying to explain this to the children. How will they understand when they know there is nothing obviously wrong with us? There was no arguing, no fighting before this. Its only about her change. I have to try and explain to them why their lives are going to change. Very hard. While she is still here, I have hope but she is so oblivious to any reason I think it is going to happen. Keep posting. I am also in UK.

Des24

"Hi Stu, Thank you for that. I wonder if you have been able (or even want) to move on relationship wise? Do you still hold that wish that she will emerge from this and find you again?"

Des if i'm honest i have been unable to move on relationship wise ive met a few women in this time but i cant seem to allow myself to "fall in love" again - in my heart i still truly love her so i dont think i even want to move on and i suppose yes i still have that wish that once she "finds" her identity again she may emerge and "find" me - that said i have to have a life we all have our needs and need affection but yeah i am scared at my age of having to fall in love all over again if that makes sense. I believe true love never dies and she is still my one true love - that's life - jsut keep moving forward and let yourself grow - keep it going

Regards Stu UK

I was happy to read your positive ending. I have not been so fortunate and am struggling every day with not "looking back". It seems all the people, mom dad brother sister have died, kids have grown up, neither one doing as well as I'd hoped, and I feel I don't have a clue what to do with myself. Job has ended. You name it. I am practically a recluse and don't want to be. How does a person go on?

I was just hoping for an update on your status? I've just begun going through the MLC of my wife. She has been open and honest about it and has described the same things to me that show it actually is a MLC. I too feel my wife is my one true love in life so I'm just hoping to see how your situation has progressed since your last post.