Lessons learned from my wife's midlife crisis

Great first article!

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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I'm very proud of you. Nice 1st article. I'm sure it will be a blessing to all who read it. WTG!!

Thanks very much - for those wondering what my picture icon is it is an "endless knot" which represents Wisdom, Compassion and Time - kind of sums me and my situation up

Regards
Stu UK

great article i forward it to a friend.
it helped me i am sure it will help her!

In my case, the title should be changed to "Lessons I'm LEARNING ..." because I'm still in the barrel going over Niagra Falls with her. I'm reminded of the cartoon version of Alladin starring Robin Williams where the genie says, " What doesn't kill you makes you stronger ... and you'd be surprised what you can live through." Stu's lessons are very helpful and can be applied to anyone in the middle of a MLC situation. I'm finding that it's 2 steps forward, 1 step back - but at that rate, I'm still making progress. Reading and writing posts have made a real difference because I can draw upon the experience of others undergoing the same trials that I am. I don't know what the end result will be but I'm learning to accept uncertainty and the fact that I can only control myself - not her. We're still talking and it's like we're best friends and that's what a relationship should be built on. I think we've forgotten that.

Buddy

Nice eye opener Stu!My wife just decided to end it after 13 years of marriage, a typical mlc syndrome occurred before that and I'm pretty much devastated right now.One good thing though is that I'm starting to move on but its really hard, how I wish this could all be over soon.Or how I wish I could finally move on and put my life back together without my wife.The hard part is that for how so many years you are together,thru thick and thin and all of a sudden she forgets everything and treats you like a stranger,how hurting and heartbreaking.I am just very thankful for discovering this site for at least I feel I am not alone.

My wife did exactly the same thing after 19 years. Just want to be on her own. Very focussed, wants to party and "go on" with her life. Three teenage children. She moved out and is staying on her own very confused and apparantly crying a lot. It has been two months now and she hasn't started actual divorce proceedings because "she is too busy". I am moving on with my life as before and have done a lot of soul searching but also realised there was not much I could do differently and at the moment I act "normal" towards her.
My biggest concerns with a divorce under these circumstances are:
1. We have children and build a family life because that is how we are wired. This family life eventually extends when the children are getting married and have children of their own. I believe that that is most gratifying when a husband and a wife are still together as a family at that point in life.
2. Children likes to come home to their parents. There is no better feeling than when your own mother and father are still together.
3. To be alone because you have chosen to break up your own family for selfish reasons must be a bitter pill to swallow.

Dear Stuart...... A few more like you can certaily make the whole world change. KEEP IT UP. BRAVO.
srzh
jammyidylliac@gmail.com

Hey All,
My wife and I were together 25 years and have five children. I'm in the U.S. Navy. My wife, was my partner, my best friend and my lover. Over the years she said that she didn't get to go to exotic places and have time for personal and professional development. In Dec 2006 an opportunity for her to go to the Middle East and work as a Navy contractor came up and I was serving in a job that gave me the flexibility to take care of the kids. So, I suggested that she take the job, so she could see what she (wasn't) missing and I could "walk in her shoes." I felt it would be a good thing for our already great relationship. The kids and I took her to the airport and all cried when she left. She called twice a day, but after a month or so began complaining about calling "so frequently." Eventually her calls to the kids dropped off all together. She came back the following Easter and then again for the 4th of July and both times I noticed a change in her, but wrote it off to the 30 hr flight, jet lag and deployment adjustment. In August, we closed on the (very expensive) house we'd been renting for a couple of years. She was completely engaged in that deal and it took her salary to help us qualify. Less than a month later, on her final visit home in Oct '07 before her time was to finish in Dec '07, she told me on the way home from the airport that she'd been having an affair with a married man, that she was in love with him and that they were going to be together. I was shocked and deeply hurt. She said she hadn't loved me in years, even though she appeared so happy throughout that period. Even our grown children couldn't believe it! She spent a week here being angry with me, telling me that she that "she loved me, but wasn't in love with me anymore." It's been six months now. For three of those last six, I couldn't function. I sobbed daily. Family, friends and counseling helped. I think also having the responsibility of the children who remained at home, of holding down my job and of fulfilling my financial obligations helped me to snap out of it and at least press on. She came back in December after our two oldest sent her a barrage of hate email, but only to explain to the kids what she needs in her "new" life. She spent Christmas Eve with us. We talked and she told me that she was done with being the "mule" for the kids and I. She was finished with responsibility and obligation and it was her turn to be selfish. She's refused to apologize saying that since she feels no guilt, she has no reason to apologize. I told her that apologies are not based on whether you do or don't feel guilt, but to say sorry to those you've hurt. She remains defiant in her stance and completely convinced of her position. She moved back to our town and went right into an apartment. For these past six months she's sat there every night by herself while I continued to take care of our family, cooking dinners, doing laundry, making lunches for school and helping with homework. She was a professional Info Technology Manager, but couldn't get a job in this town when she came back so she went to work at the "Bargain Mart," a mom and pop little supermarket. About a month ago, I stopped by to see her boss, whom I know as a previous friend. He said she can't make it to work on time (by 10:00 am!!) and that she always wants to leave early. She's also taken to spending her lunch hour sitting in her car in the parking lot of her work. He said he would have fired her already, but she'd given notice to leave and so he agreed to keep her on for the remaining few weeks. He said she'd been a super star when she worked there for a few months before she went overseas, but when she came back, she was nearly useless, lacking responsibility, liveliness and motivation. Of note, after she came home the first thing she collected from our house was not the pictures of our children or other family mementos, but all of the bottles in our liquor cabinet. She took only the hard liquor, leaving the wine and beer. She said that I "controlled" her and didn't let her drink, but liked her new boyfriend because he joined her in drinking and didn't make a big deal about it. BTW, her Dad was a life-long alcoholic before she was born and all the way through his death a few years ago, so I did watch how much she drank as a concern. My limit for her was two drinks, which usually left her tipsy. Today she can put down several mixed drinks and not be affected by them. The unfortunate part of this entire episode is that we really did have a wonderful marriage. Everyone including family, our own kids, our friends and even me, thought we were the perfect couple and model for the perfect marriage of friendship, companionship, partnership and love. Nobody can understand what happened, but how can I explain when I don't understand! We've had our first court date based on her desire to quickly get this over with so she can be with her lover and we have the final one in a few weeks. What a sorry ending for a beautiful 25 year relationship. While I think the alcohol may have something to do with it, I haven't had the opportunity to see her in action because she went right into an apartment. I begged her family to get her some help or counseling, but they've all taken her side when she said she hid her unhappiness so well and have ostracized me. That pain on top of the rejection from my life-long partner was very hurtful. I was their son and brother. My own family all cried when they found out she did this. Extended family, including uncles and aunts who've all known her, cried real tears when they heard she ran off and left our family. I am hurting, but with each hateful exchange from her, I understand that my wife is gone forever and has been replaced by this despicable excuse for a woman. She had been a true supermom and wife. While she worked hard as the mother of five children, she was never anyone's "mule" and always had me as her partner to help with household chores, cooking dinners, children's homework and just plain moral support, as evidenced by my willingness to hold down the fort for a year while she took a year sabbatical to work on professional growth. My brother and friends often told me I was making them look bad because I helped so much around the house and wives of friends often commented on it. This is not to say she wasn't engaged, because she truly was. She was the picture of moral values and could accomplish anything she set her mind to. Today, she condones infidelity, because "it's not adultery, it's love." She's abdicated her responsibility and obligation as the mother of five children and wife to me. She condemned me for being arrogant, saying I thought I was too good. She referred to my education and my career. I came in as an enlisted man, but later transitioned to the officer corps when I finished a bachelor degree and eventually two masters degrees. I've been successful in my career, have worked hard, have deployed and taken hard jobs, but have never put my family second. By contrast, her boyfriend, who is also in the Navy (career enlisted), doesn't have a high school diploma or GED and hasn't accomplished one meaningful thing in his life. He fancies himself a Harley biker guy, but doesn't even own a Harley! He dresses like a biker and she eats it up!! She proudly displays a picture of the two of them in her apartment on the back of a Harley that's sitting on the display floor of a Harley Davidson sales office! She looks ridiculous with a huge grin on her face, while he sits there hands on the handle bars looking smug! I can't even believe the two of them. He's told my wife he cheated throughout his 18 year marriage to his wife, but never loved her. They have two high school aged daughters and a 13 year old son with Tourette's Syndrome. I told my wife that she should speak to his wife directly before climbing into this guy's bed again, but she insists he's telling the truth and that his wife knows. She says he'll leave his wife after our divorce is final. I've told her that if he wanted to leave her, he would have left years ago, but she refuses to believe it. She said he asked her to marry him and she's especially happy because he's Catholic (I was raised Protestant), and they can go to church together!! BTW, we always found common ground in religion, getting married in the Catholic church after I attended the necessary indoctrination. I took special care and time to ensure our children were raised in God. While we didn't attend services regularly, we did hold Bible study here at the house and followed a spiritual path.
Okay, I've written a book. I'll sign off, but I'm heartened to know that I'm not insane and that I'm not the only man out there going through this. I will finish raising our children. I will try not to hate. I will get through this and I will find love again someday.
Bryan

Bryan, thank you for sharing your story/life with all of us. After reading your story I am left feeling saddened and empty feeling, which is a testament to your ability to write and express feelings with words that leave the reader with a mirror or glimpse of your heart and your pain.

I hope that all who read your words will take the time to put themselves in you and your family's shoes. To feel the pain, even for a moment, that is inflicted on those around you. Those who choose to leave and or have an affair on their spouse and family need to read your story, just to give them one last thought if necessary, before they destroy all those around them, even if they feel justified at the time the ramifications are sometimes irrepriable.

I hope all works out for you and your children. I am just so saddened for you that I really do not know what to say to ease your pain or lift your spirits. I can only say that you will get through this and hopefully you will inspire others in their stuggles. Take care.