Perfectionism and procrastination

Sadly, I have very little to say about perfectionism but a lot to say about procrastination. I think everyone is a procrastinator. The difference is that some people handle it well, others do not. It's also situational. I'm still working on my 2006 taxes! That said, I've been working on the 2008 LifeTwo plan which isn't due to be completed for some time. The rational thing would have been to put the LifeTwo plan down and finish the taxes, but alas I did not (until now since my back is really up against the wall and it is better to have my partner Greg mad at me than the Federal government).

My biggest success over procrastination has been to take a step back and look at why it is that I am holding off starting something. Is it something that I just shouldn't do or that I can give to someone else. Is it something that I can do differently so that I'm not working so hard to avoid it. Am I holding off because I think it is going to fail or that no one will notice that I didn't do it? I've realized that when I get some insight why I'm procrastinating I figure out how to address it.

Your question included perfectionism but in all my introspective thinking about why I procrastinate the need to be perfect has never come up (though perhaps it should!).

Part of my overall life plan is figuring out how to do more of the things I like (even work things) and how to offload things I don't enjoy doing. This sounds obvious but in doing the exercises in last week's happiness week, I realized I still have a long way to go.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

I have been married for 14yrs this date and as an ultimate procrastinator, I too, am working on my 2006 business taxes. My procrastination habits worsened after two failed spine surgeries 4 yrs ago and I became chronically disabled. Since then, my husband has grown increasingly angry that I can no longer work, make 1/3 the income I used to, and "lay about all day". He is 5 yrs younger than me at 40yrs. Since I stopped working, he no longer recognizes my birthdays (forgets to buy me a card or present). My 76yr old father even brings me flowers for my birthday. Husband admitted that he thought I would have the surgery and be back at work.

Today is our anniversary and I said, "could we do something for our anniversary this weekend? - go out to dinner, etc" and he just rolled his eyes at me. Husband barely talks to me (except after I make him dinner).

If I try to talk to him about a book that interests me, he just cuts me off and says he's not interested. He does have a demanding job, works long hours, and then either glues himself to the tv or games on his computer. Husband either says very little or yells at me "to finish the G-d-m taxes" or "get xyz done now!" Husband relies on his long-time truck driver friend for advice and then harangues me because "someone said..I should...". (his friend never married, no girlfriend for past 12 years).

One male friend suggested that because I have a graduate degree and husband has his GED, husband isn't able to articulate his emotions as I would expect and not to take things literally.

However, I am so desperately sad because he has started treating me like crap since I became ill. I see a therapist and many doctors. He has refused marriage counseling.

Husband's mother has been morbidly obese all his life, in a wheelchair, and because he was embarassed by his mother all his life, I suspect that he sees me as another embarassment. Also, I suspect that Husband is angry because he is contributing 75% of the income vice before it was 50-50. He has a bad temper and yells a lot.

I still love him and am scared to leave. Does anyone see him changing his attitude if I were to have the 3rd surgery and hope for improvement? Or should I just face that he cannot handle having a disabled wife and move on with my life?

My first thought was "you're not a procrastinator and he's not a perfectionist." You're chronically ill and he, for whatever reasons, is not being supportive. My advice is to continue seeing your therapist and your doctors -- and also there's a wealth of support online for chronic illnesses. Learn to live and work the best you can with your pain, and I believe that will lead you to feeling stronger and more confident and will thus help you to make decisions about your future. That's my opinion, anyway. Here are a few sites I like about chronic pain:

http://achronicdose.blogspot.com/ http://keepworkinggirlfriend.com/ http://www.chronicbabe.com/

It's my experience that even low level chronic pain can totally sap one's energy, so I recommend trying to get that pain treated as well as you can. Good luck with everything and keep writing -- you might even want to begin a new topic (which I think would require registering, which is a non-painful process :) on this subject and see what others have to say.

Take care.

Catherine http://ourladyofperfection.blogspot.com

I appreciate the thoughts.

I see my pain doctor every month and she is a godsend. Since husband is clearly unhappy, I told him in October to pack up and leave. I told him I could no longer take his yelling at me and frequent criticism based on perceived wrongs [I "moved" his newspaper - no honey, I put it on your nightstand for you as I do every night].

For the first time in probably 5-6 years, he bought me flowers for our anniversary and has tried to be nice since. I'm not sure his nice-ness will last.... I can't figure out if he decided he loves me or hates the idea of losing the house to me.

I haven't registered this forum yet because H reads my internet history and my e-mails. That is why friends of 20yrs plus from college/grad school, (specifically platonic male friends), no longer e-mail me because he doesn't "allow" them to correspond with me.

Guess I'm feeling 45, old, and very alone. Thanks for listening.

Your husband needs help. Your description is of an abusive husband. Emotional abuse is abuse just the same. The attempt is to strip you of all self-esteem, keep you from having any kind of friends or support group of your own and make you completely dependent on him. The stress will ultimately kill you. It's nice he bought you flowers but abusers will often try different tactics. If he is really serious about not losing you then he needs to understand that he has to change and the next step needs to be therapy (for him).

The fact that you can't register on an innocent website, talk to platonic friends, etc., because of his paranoia speaks volumes. He has no right to do that and while it's up to you what you do, at some point you should just start doing what is right for you regardless of his paranoia or his desire to control you.

The odds probably aren't too good that his recent "niceness" will last without addressing the fundamental issue of what is leading to his long-term abusive behavior. Hence, therapy.

I'm sure you know, 45 is not old and the only reason you feel alone is because the abuser you used to live with wants you to feel that way--it's the only way he feels powerful.

Without wanting to be even more judgmental than I've been, he makes me sick for what he is doing to you.

I need so much help. My husband is so mean and cruel that our 4 year old daughter is trying to get the yelling and cruelness to stop by yelling herself. I am currently in severe pain with neck disc herniation and I am frightened to leave or have him leave for fear of being alone and taking care of my daughter in pain. I hate him. He does not touch me sexually for 4 years but a few times in between. He says that is my fault. I guess I gave him the cold shoulder when at 6 weeks pregnant, he got very drunk and says he went into a blackout and beat the crap out of me and struck me in my head several times so hard that I though I would die of brain damage. The next day, I was bleeding and called the doctor, which mimicked a miscarriage. I think him throwing me around and the impact of his blows to my head caused this. I almost lost our child who is now 4 and I too was injured and never reported it. I had contusions and bruises in my head and skull for a couple weeks and hurt. Now I am possible up for a neck operation and cannot move daily very well until then because of pain and being sick with my injury. I am afraid and do not know where to turn. He seems to not have any caring about my condition most times and acts like nothing is wrong with me and leaves me alone all the time anyway in pain with our child. He does nothing with her or me and ignores us for the most part except for occassional interaction making us think he is okay. Please help with some advice. I am sick in more ways than one. Thank you.

Mary

I think you can find your way but I don't know how to tell you because I don't have any experience with this. I think there's probably a women's shelter and you'd have to take the step to find it yourself, in the phone book or call a doctor or a counselor's office.

It's not your fault. It's a pattern and you can overcome it. I hope you can find even a first step. There are people who know what you're going through and what you have to do. Wishing you the best.

Mary, you don't need advice, you need professional help (legal, psychological and medical). Internet resources alone are not sufficient for your situation and you need to immediately secure local support aimed for domestic violence. Don''t wait and don't hesitate to call 911 if you feel threatened.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!