Why Don't They Ever See it Coming?

Life Two, you need to reconsider your decision to publish this. This woman has severe needs that certainly cannot be met by a blog post.

-- http://goinglikesixty.com

When she gets tired of it, she will leave, take her kids and go out and make and have a wonderful life. When she is ready, she will not care what anyone has to say nor will she value anyone's opinions but her own.

The woman already knows what she wants to do. She just wants someone to open the door for her. After all, she is a lady.

Sorry, m'am. Go open the door yourself.

This is a tough one for us and I've asked Greg his opinion. The poster has not violated our terms of service. She has not attacked anyone, written anything libelous, etc. But for the first time we have received a request for a post to be taken down--that says something.

We are going to leave it up, for the time being at least.

What Casandra has done is tell a story that cries for intervention and it is to whom I write this comment. By participating here she has opened herself up and perhaps someone can or will write something that will help her take the next and obvious step of getting help.

Casandra, I'm going to put your history aside because I don't think that's the issue. The issue is what you decide to do now and how you move forward.

You should consider yourself at a cross roads. You can run or you can work on fixing what you can. You have a broken relationship, a lot of people do and sometimes they get fixed. You have anger and an unhealthy perspective about how motherhood. I'm sure there are other things. But you also have enough perspective to come to a website and write something you probably know is not going to be well-received. I think that says something.

Without judging or attacking you, I strongly hope that you elect to get help. You have horrible stories about your childhood, it's time that you do something to insure that your kids don't grow up with their own horrible stories.

The kind of things you've written are far beyond what can be addressed on the Internet. You need counseling.

It's not too late. But don't wait.

Well, that's my opinion.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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We don't distinguish between the stories we and our contributors (like Dating Goddess) write and those that come in over the transom from registered users (like this post). The former are specifically solicited and QA'd; we don't exert the same oversight over the latter. This post raises, for the first time, the question of whether we should.

Unlike some similar (but not as awful) stories elsewhere on the site, this is a full post rather than a comment, which makes it look like editorial content from LifeTwo. That also has not been a problem until now.

So there's two issues:
1) the content of the post. I think our tests should be a) is it not spam? b) is it on topic? c) is it likely to be true? Assuming the answer to c is "yes," then this passes all three. I am trying to think of whether we'd draw a "not too raw / too raw" line and don't think we would.
2) for us at LifeTwo, the problem that this story is perceived as an "official" LifeTwo post rather than YouTube-like contributed content. We have to figure out an answer to that.

Sorry for jotting down my thoughts as I have them.

This is the first time I've found my way to this blog, so I don't have a sense of what normally goes on here, or how people usually use this blog. That said, has anyone ever heard of kindness?

Regarding goinglikesixty's comment, sure, she needs help not found in a blog. Nonetheless, does she deserve to be written off and talked over? What if this was the first time she had the courage to reach out to someone? Certainly if she had the childhood described, she was never provided with the tools necessary to fix all of this. What if you had addressed her, instead of the blog owners, and said, "Hey lady, I'm sorry for your troubles. The posters on this blog aren't going to be able to fix your problems. If you have a good job, you probably have insurance, and therefore you can get a counselor/psychologist/etc., to help you with your problems. This would be a good start. I hope you find happiness."

Regarding the second and anonymous post, you're presuming a lot when you say she "likes to be a victim." It sounds like this woman has no friends, so who would have ever "held up a mirror" for her to truly see herself. You may not realize it, but if a person's life truly sucks, and everyone the know is a negative influence or has similarly dreary lives, it's pretty hard to find a way out. On the flipside, maybe she does play the victim quite a bit. But since you don't know that, would it have been a bad use of your two minutes to send out a kind word (or not send out negative word), instead of talking over her and writing her off? So she reached out to the wrong resource, does she really need her hand slapped?

It's also good to remember that even highly transformed and enlightened people have places in life where they are stopped. As evolved as all of us are, there's always ways to be better. This lady hasn't made it as far along the path as we have, but as far as we know, she deserves compassion.

All that said, Cassandra, I'm talking to you now. Basically, you have problems that can't be fixed on this blog, but it's good that you're reaching out. You know a better life awaits you. If you have insurance through your job, you should be able to seek counseling--do it now! One important thing about counseling, if you don't like the first one you get, try another one. And another one. Find one you feel supported by, but who pushes you.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, pick one problem/issue and work on it. And take any little actions you can to make yourself feel better. Start taking daily walks. Go to a yoga class. Are you eating healthy? That will make a difference. Make your physical self stronger--that's sometimes a little easier than all the rest, and it'll boost your confidence.

Well that's all I can do on the blog. It's up to you to take action. Best of luck to you, Cassandra.

-Elaine

Just to clarify--I didn't expect anyone to "fix" anything. That would be an unfair and unrealistic expectation for strangers in cyberspace.

It was gratifying to get my feelings out without being interrupted, told I'm wrong, walked out on, etc.

The big problem I've run into over and over again is that no one ever listens to me or takes my feelings seriously, and it doesn't matter if I whisper or yell, if I'm polite or nasty, diplomatic or blunt. My so-called loved ones act as if I'm invisible and insignificant. That's the problem.

So thank you for not yanking it and adding to my feelings of invisibility and insignificance.

As for the person who said I like being a victim--no I don't. I hate it. If I liked being harmed I wouldn't keep begging people to stop harming me.

So I like being victim. So I guess I "asked for it" when I was raped as a 16 y/o virgin, and I guess I enjoyed having my nose broken 3 times (never treated) before age 12. I'll have to remind myself of how much fun I'm having the next time I have flashbacks, nightmares or uncontrollable crying fits.

Regarding my kids, I go to great lengths to insulate them from what I am feeling and experiencing. I have worked very hard to keep them from having the type of childhood I did. I've told my oldest very clearly that whatever problems I have are mine, and they are not her fault, versus my mother who explicitly blamed us kids for everything wrong in her life.

As for professional help, I spent literally years in therapy and I'd been stable on medication for many years. My symptoms started about 3 weeks ago, when my psychiatrist decided to change ALL of his patients over to drug X, even though what I had been taking was working beautifully. (How's that for personalized health care). I think what my doctor prescribed is literally making me crazy. After I take my RX, I feel very angry and agitated for about 6 hrs. Right now I took it about 8 hrs ago so I feel better.

I have an appt with a new psychiatrist Monday morning.
I have an appt with my Ob-Gyn about the menopause stuff Tuesday morning. And I have an appt with a therapist Wednesday afternoon.

I just turned 43, I'm not young anymore, I'm menopausal. I know I'll never turn heads like I did 20 yrs ago. I have 2 kids and my youngest is showing signs of ADHD & hyperactivity. She will likely have special needs due to her prematurity. And I have a pullman car full of baggage. I'm realistic. On the dating scene I'd be as marketable as a 15 yr old chevy lumina with 110,000 miles on it and it was rebuilt after a total loss.

My husband is still as thick as a brick and he still thinks he's been the model husband but Rome wasn't built in a day. Thing is, he won't budge an inch unless he thinks I'm halfway out the door.

Right. Well, unfortunately, you nullified most of my comments in your defense. I do think the first two commentors could have shown kindness, though.

There's a saying I won't get exactly right: "Do you know what the definition of crazy is? Taking the same action over and over and expecting a different result." It sounds like what you're doing isn't working--do something else!

I think we understood the first time that you have plenty of reasons not to be happy, and yet you posted even more reasons. (That kind of falls in the realm of playing the victim, by the way.) The thing is, it's time to get yourself happy anyway, or you're going to be singing the same song in another 20 years.

I won't be carrying on a conversation with you here. This is my last post on this topic. Do something different and produce some results. I wish you the best.

-Elaine

Dan Savage's current column talks about "fake" letters. This one would fit his criteria--basically degradation of women is the theme. Even if this is a true story of a poor soul, it doesn't belong in a LifeTwo blog post. I've unsubscribed.

The column on fake letters: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=401837

The reason LifeTwo has a format that allows any reader to comment and contribute to the discussion is that more often than not it leads to a far more helpful dialog than would have happened otherwise.

Elaine, I thank you for your words. I think they stand on their own.

As for the earlier contributions, while they may not have been viewed favorably by the poster or later commenters, it is possible that Elaine might not have been moved to write what she did without those early posts.

I appreciate everyone's contributions and especially Elaine for more than anyone (including Greg and me), she remembered why we are here.

Casandra, I'm very sorry to have heard about the drug therapy change. Something similar happened to a close friend with equally disruptive results to his well-being. I hope you connect well with your new doctor.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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I don't think she is faking the letter.
Cassandra, don't give up on yourself, yet. Just because you are 43 and feel you have a "trashed body" doesn't mean that you are unloveable and unwanted by anybody. You feel that way-- but you are most likely wrong -- your feelings may not reflect the facts at all.
I'm sorry your husband is as dense as a "brick" -- meaning that he is just behaving as a stone wall and refusing to accept your communication of your feelings and needs. This can be the most lonely feeling in the world -- that the person you most need to understand you is refusing or unable to do so. That really hurts, doesn't it -- and tends to make one feel angry.
My only advice is this: your husband is not to blame for everything that has happened to you or gone wrong in your life -- and if you need his understanding and support, you will not get it if you attack him and try to make him feel bad or guilty. To protect himself, he will be a "brick." (people resist feeling awful about themselves -- especially if they are men, I think). I wonder if you are confusing your feelings about your abusers in early life with your feelings about your husband?
Is there any way to communicate with him in a non-accusing way?
Good luck -- but whatever you decide, please know that middle aged women are not ugly, not un-sexy, and have plenty of life still left in them!

Sometimes people enter into a second marriage to try and "fix" what they perceived was wrong with the first one (or trying to fix again what was wrong about their childhood). I know firsthand that this is a bad reason to marry someone. Like me, you may discover that the first marriage was not quite as bad as you once thought it was and your first spouse was much closer to being a person that was "right" for you than his/her replacement. Though we may find the tone of her post oft-putting, Cassandra still deserves compassion. It is easy to tell someone that if they are unhappy they should just get a divorce. But that is asking Cassandra to pay a heavy price, namely the economic and psychological consequences of becoming a single mother of two children. Cassandra, you are right in making your kids the priority. Sometimes staying together "for the sake of the children" really is the right thing to do (despite what our self-indulgent culture might say). But you have to ask yourself if the toll your marriage is exacting upon damaging your ability to be a good mother to your children. Trust me, they already know, at least on a unconscious level, that you are very unhappy.
I will be praying for you Cassandra.

Once again in life, my breath is taken away with how quickly a person who has overwhelming troubles is dismissed. Kind of like a "church" that doesn't want the "messy" people. Or the doctor that labels you "difficult" because you require more care than he'd like to give. Sigh....a heavy one at that.