Midlife and always single women

To the poster who wrote ,children are the meaning of life,. OH my God! What do you have to say to infertile couples?? Or people with medical issues? How narrow minded. I guess those who don't have children for any reason have no meaning in their lives. Tell that to the Pope! For goodness sake!!

Well that was what I was hoping for! Responses from a variety of individuals blamming life on external factors. What I'm really trying to say when I say children are the meaning of life is that you make your own lives! You all are the creators of your lives. Your lives turned out the way they did because of you! Start taking some responsibility for your lives and how they turned out. Once you do this you will realize that you can have any life you want. (Ie- if you sit around all day thinking that all you ever have is short, crappy relationships, you're going to keep on getting the same short crappy relationships). You all need to change your train of thought. (Ie- you should be thinking that I deserve an amazing, loving man/woman that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with... then that is exactly what your going to get). The power of positive thinking is a very powerful force. I challenge you all to find some books on positive thinking... these books will change your life (for the better of course). To the woman who said that she would rather be put in a nursing home by herself then her selfish bratty kids... if you raise your children properly and positively then the result will definitely not be selfish bratty kids. You are the creator of your life... and if you did have selfish bratty kids then that would be your fault. I just want you all to realize that YOU ALL have the power to change your lives... stop sitting around looking for reasons (external factors) to justify how your lives turned out. I just would also like to let you know, that when I looked into the eyes of my newborn children I found my meaning in life, that's all...I've never felt a love so strong. I have many other meaningful purposes in my life (I have a wonderful husband that I care very deeply for, wonderful parents and I am also a nurse at a hospital for sick children, which is incredibly rewarding). I love my life to the fullest and believe I deserve all good things that come to me. I want the same for all of you, but it is only you that can make this happen. I hope this is a wake up call for all of you. Start Living!

Good point. You make your meaning. Everyone does. The single women in midlife are doing that.

Kids are great. Changed my life. Etc. All true for me. But...

...there are many miserable parents in the world and many enlightened, fulfilled unmarried, non-parents. I absolutely agree that life is what you make of it and there is no check box for children or marriage that if left blank means that you are doomed for a lifetime of unfulfillment.

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Don't get me started on the topic of selishness and who tops the chart. The fallacy that people without kids corner the market on selfishness is just plain wrong and narrow minded and a total manipulative ploy that certain women with kids use to put people without kids down and make themselves feel better about being stuck with kids. No human being escapes selfishness. It is inbred in all of us to be protective of our own needs and wants at other people's expense. It is a character defect that is present in different amounts in different people, and it often varies in people at different times in their lives. But it's certainly not true to say that people without kids corner the market on selfishness and that they are more selfish than people with kids. Totally wrong, totally narrow minded.

How about the woman who decides that in order to feel more "fulfilled" she wants to have a child, despite the fact that her partner or husband is not ready or willing to be a parent or despite the fact that her career is all consuming and that neither the child nor her employer will get her proper attention? Isn't that selfish? What about the woman who has a child and then gets a divorce and won't allow the child to see his/her father? Isn't that selfish? What about the woman who sees her child as a little "me" (extension of herself) rather than as a separate human being--isn't that selfish? What about a woman's oblivion to the impact of her ill behaved child on the school, neighbors, and relatives? I could go on and on.

So don't get me started. Children are not the end all and be all of life. In fact, it is obvious to me that the people who are having kids today are not prepared to be parents and are using kids as a means of self gratification. These people know that they cannot take care of a child properly either because of financial insecurity or an unstable personality or addictions or the lack of maturity. Yet these people continue to have children and fill the planet with children who are not getting the love, attention, guidance, and discipline that they need tb grow up and become fully functioning and useful human beings. I would rather be one of the "selfish" people out there who chooses not to contribute to this problem.

When they have "troubles" of a relationship kind, they delve into "work." He is being a solid man, taking care of things, handling the situation in a strong minded bull headed way. I don't mean bull headed as negative, I mean as a bull would, straight and strong. I think they do this because they have to in order to not feel the pain. It's not too late for you. You may be right about your decision but I think if you were really really right about it you wouldn't be having all these second thoughts. Maybe you're right, Maybe not. So, why don't you talk to him about it. Why don't you say something to this effect: "I am very confused right now. I'm not sure if I did the right thing and I'm not sure I didn't. I still love you but something just didn't seem right. Maybe it's physical (as in hormones, make sure he knows what you're talking about). I'm going to call my doctor and look into that possibility. In the meantime, I was wondering if you would consider not selling the house just yet so that I can take a little time to work things out in my head. It may be unfair of me to ask this of you, but I needed to ask you anyway." Nothing is set in stone YET. You can put the movie on pause for a few minutes. Take a deep breath and just let God tell you what you need to do. If you ask him, he'll show you.

I am 32 from asian background and already feel so lonely and left out of place. I am sorrounded by families who have multiple kids, and women who are keen on executing orders from men.

I just returned from a friends party and find myself so singled out and was desperate to find soem tips to handle myself from others similar experiences.

I enjoy my life most times.... untill i meet some couples with kids/ family oriented homes.

although me and my husband started our relation ship as friends... now ... after 3 years of marraige and no kids... we are in two different worlds.... .

I some times think it is good because i get a lot of time to do soul searching... and enjoy the beauty of nature... including children.... I dont plan to have kids as I feel lonely most times and dont think i will justify children coming into life when i am not secured emotioanlly.

I am not sure if you were expecting some other kinds of responses.... but iam sure your writing and others writing gives me the hope that i am not alone and i have some one to share what i feel.

Enjoy girls... and have a great life... Ana

I'm 32 and never married with no children and have just come out the other side of an existential crisis. I loathe that I don't belong among partnered women because I don't have a ring on my finger or a man (any man!) in my bed, and that men partnered or single think that I'm desperate so will happily wh*re myself out to them.

I live in a big city, but I can't bring myself to care about hip art exhibitions or exciting rock concerts or international backpacking any more, I never thought I would be living the same existence for 16 years. I've tried dating, but men don't want me.

I'm not beautiful on the outside, and the more time I spend alone, I'm less beautiful on the inside. I have many, many "average looking" female friends of the same age in the same position. I think the numbers of mid-life, always single, child-free women are going to grow exponentially in the next decade. The worst part is people tell me it's my choice, and vilify me for "making" my "choice".

But men don't want me! What more am I to do? I have a good job, good education, have travelled the world, lived abroad, done therapy to find out who I am, read many books on all sorts of subjects, whipped my body into shape through fitness, and groomed my looks. I live alone, volunteer, have a close relationship with my family, and I'm friendly to everyone I meet. But it's not enough! And I know that many of my thirty-something single female friends feel the same.

Sorry to be so depressing, but the only thing getting me through the days right now is the knowledge that I must make my own meaning. But oh my god, despite appearances, I've never been lonelier in my entire life.

I can't agree more. 47 never married, childless. Closest friend died last year, other close friend moved to another continent year before. Have a couple superficial friendships but for the most part, can't be bothered to muster up the energy to go out. Yes, an occasional dinner/movie is fine but the loneliness is unbearable. Life just feels so meaningless without kids or husband to love, it's hard to go on. Being an introvert I've never been good at chit chat, only interested in things that matter deeply to me and most people don't seem interested into delving into things as deeply as I do. Have tried to summon up the energy to go to a meet-up group but can't seem to do it. Am currently considering fostering a child but would have to move to a bigger place (ugh) which I"m not sure I can afford right now because of the economy, plus would be worried about my limited energy. So sorry you were exposed to my mood!! Thanks for writing everyone, it definitely helps to know I"m not alone ...

Hello all

I ran across this topic when searching for the subject of 'single and 40s'. I have to say that what many of you have said fits me and more. I am 42, single and no kids. Its not like I intended it to be that way. I've had many long term relationships and things did not work out whether it was from the perspective of the person I was with or my own. I do have to say that I am a big believer in life not being a cookie cutter mold. You can't just expect that everyone will get married and have kids by some certain age. There are many reasons why people end up older and not married. Family history, chilhood upbringing, life experiences, self esteem, life traumas, and changing morals can all play a part. If anyone can't see this then they really do not have a good grasp on the complexity of life. The life is too full of standards, shallow roll models and expectations. If life were really about adhereing to some certain standard and we were all to be married with kids by a certain age then things would be pretty dull. Life is about individualism. Life is about you not anyone else and what they think. Try to be the happiest you can be with your life, accept where it is, let go of past regrets, let go of anger, never accept stereotypes, always remain postive and never give up on your life.

love Suzy

I think the point of this post was how it feels to be single and childless at an age where it is too late to have a 'traditional' family (ie. biological children). I think whether you have been married or not, doesn't make a difference if at the age of say 45, you find yourself single with no kids. Most people here have had some relationship by this age, so whether you made the huge mistake of actually getting a signed certificate for it or not, what's the difference? I made a horrible marriage choice, and I would give anything to go back and not have made the mistake of marrying the wrong man just so I could say I was married. The marriage didn't work out, and I will be alone and childess, I would so much rather not have the label of being divorced. Of course maybe the grass is greener. The point is, regardless of how we got here, we are single and childless and middle-aged. And I believe the point of this post was that, we did not choose to be. But that is how things worked out. My whole life, I didn't care about having a 100K job, or multiple degrees, or status, all I dreamed about was being married and having a family. The worst is that, I don't have a career because of that. On top of being single, middle-aged and childless, I have no career to focus on. I didn't graduate college, and I have worked close to entry-level jobs my whole life, in spite of being intelligent. Now I will be alone, and lonely. My husband betrayed me and my dreams. I often wonder what is the point of life if it's not to have kids and continue your genes, from a biological standpoint. Why am I here? I do feel, as I've seen other posters say, that I'm basically waiting to die. I feel what is the point of finishing my college education, and getting a good job. To do what with it?? Basically what I'm doing now but in a bigger apartment with a nicer car? I do feel pretty hopeless.

When I was in my 20's, I viewed middle aged single women as pathetic. And now? I'm 49, never married, no children - and now young women view me as pathetic. Since I was a child, all of the things I loved revolved around homemaking and the family. But marriage never happened for me, and now I find myself always on the outside looking in. Just this weekend, my friends invited me over for their 2-year old's birthday party. All of my friends (my age) have babies, toddlers and young children. I am sick to death of going to baby's birthday parties. They criticize me greatly if I don't go - saying that I'll never connect and have deep relationships if I stay home. But when I invite them over to my house for a party, they never show. Something to do with the kids, or family is visiting or some "family thing." And I never receive invitations to dinner because those are only reserved for other married couples. It's been over the past 10 years that I have slowly grown to feel invisible, worthless and undeserving because of my age and single status. I work in entertainment, surrounded by young people and they treat me like I have leprosy, though I am a funny and caring person.

I didn't stay single and childless by choice, and I'm sick of people telling me that it's my fault. The reality is that there are more women than men in our world, and men my age always want women half our age (and I refuse to date men in their 70's). And, I refuse to be judged any longer by people who have absolutely no idea what it's like to be 49, never married and no kids. Those people are clueless. I believe that there are a huge amount of smart, funny and worthwhile women like us out there. We really should start to speak up.

I can't agree with you more. Now that I am nearing 40 I also see how invisible I've become. It is a change that is completely baffling to me. I, too, once was thin, young, and the center of attention. Now I am not really fat, except by magazine cover standards. And yet I draw no interested glances from the men around me, mostly because of my age. My life feels intensely devoid of meaning. I worry for my future: Is complete isolation destined to become mine when my husband and parents die? In vitro and some hurried children pretend to be my only solution. But is this solution only prolonging the inevitable as another poster pointed out. In twenty years, these children, too, will leave and I will be forgotten again...and much poorer. Here is one suggestion: There are groups free to join, such as meetup.com or day hiking groups such as the sierra club where one can stay active and meet others in similar situations. I may decide to try to have children, but I wonder if it is truly as fulfilling as others say it is.

Hi Catherine:

Your post is more than a year old , I just found it today while looking for places that could tell me how can I have a meningful life "even tough" I am single, in my late 30s.

In my country most women would be marry around 23 to 25 years old, some other will be lucky if they marry in their late 20 or early 30s, after 33 or so, well, marriage would be a miracle.

The problem is that a very low percentage of women are still single at my age, actually I don't know another one!!, I met several single women between 30 and 35 that chose to become a mother just to do not "stay alone". My sister is among them.

So, I do face a lot of pressure about motherhood , and marriage tough lately my family think I will not "get a husband".

How do I feel as a single , childless woman?. Some days very sad and confused, like wondering what is wrong with me?. Other days, I will just say , it is ok, I have done nothing wrong by not jumping into single motherhood or relating myself with somebody without love or interest. Do I want to get marry? well , I know per sure that i would like to be loved, but to be married is a different idea.

I have come to enjoy my freedom in making decisions. Latin men can be very controlling with the money, wife desires for work, even the number of children to have. Of course, no all men. But , up to today I have not found one that can take me as I am, with my independent mind (and mouth), too opinionated they would say.

I have knwon of many marriages around me where the woman simply does what her husband wants (including unwanted sex), I have seen women leaving behind a job (even if it's not professional) to become completely dependent on a man budget and being controlled through money.

So, for my culture being an engineer, owning my home, studying for a higher degree,...without a man on my side is very difficult. More and more is changing , women are getting more education and even studying while being married , so , education is not a excuse to do not be a wife (even if that means you are always going to be making dinner, washing dishes and doing the laundry to make sure you meet your wife duties, before you can read your book or do homework!)....

So, does meaning come from having children?, well, that brought me to the web..I am still a whole person even If I am not a mother, but society pretends I am not , even my family would not respect my home because there is not a man to respect.

Anyway, I think ones does not cease to be a person for not being a mother, and there I can try to be happy as I am today.

Most of us on this post haven't had the opportunity to get married and have kids--that's what the post is about, isn't it? To the person who wrote "Children", in the case of most of the people who are posting here, it wasn't a "choice" for most of us not to have children; it just didn't happen, for many and various reasons. I feel that we are each called to a specific "vocation" which is the path that God wants for us, and in my case I have come to an inner understanding that I was called by God to be a single person in life and that He didn't want me to be a wife and mother. I'm in my 50's now and taking care of my elderly mother. I am far from a "selfish" person. I resent the implication from women with kids that those of us who do not have kids are "selfish". There are many situations in life which occur to cause people not to become parents. I know several women who were unable to have children (physically) and whose husbands did not want to adopt, which I do not find fault with because adoption is not for everyone. It's not fair to say that these people made a "choice" not to have children and are therefore "selfish". To me, YOU sound like the ultimate selfish person for wanting children to fulfill your own personal needs. You sound like you expect your children to stay at your side for the rest of your life and be Mommy's companions so you never have to experience loneliness or a holiday by yourself. My sister has a child and guess what? She recently had to spend several holidays alone because he went off to his girlfriend's family's house in another state for the holidays. So don't expect to never have loneliness if you have children. I would also like to refute "Children's" comment about people in nursing homes. I am familiar with nursing homes (I am a nurse) and it is NOT heavily weighted with people who do not have children. That is just plain silly. People who do have children end up in nursing homes just as much as people without children. Maybe you meant to say, "90% of the people in nursing homes either have no children or have children that are unwilling to take care of them". Anyway, I would rather end up in a nursing home because I have no children at all than to be thrown into the nursing home by my SELISH bratty kids.

I saw your post and it hit a particular cord with me as I am 50, single, childless (by choice since 14), and just been diagnosed with diabetes and a heart condition. So, here goes:

My biggest fear regarding old age is not being able to be independent. I am a single child, have always fended for myself and my parents who were my only close relatives died whilst I was fairly young. Now I live alone, climb up to fix rooves, paint, do all the DIY (except electrics - never electrics!). All this saves me money, but what about when I cannot get on the roof.. and I think about my health and wish there was somebody who could help me with my fears. So, in short, in the future I fear 'not having a shoulder' (or somebody there if I do fall off the roof!)

What am I doing to allay those fears - I am still working on that one... one does not get into a relationship (even if I could remember HOW), or have children out of fear (or if you did you should not have), but I understand some women 'accept' their relationships, because it offers them security - sometimes I really, really wish I was like that, but I am not, so for the meantime, I am trying to gather information, face my health problems and find the best advice I can... and take it from there...

I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone with children had to chime in and lecture us all on exactly what we did wrong. The irony is that this person doesn't seem to realize that 1) nobody asked her, 2) it's rude to butt in and change the subject, 3) she's a shining example of why a lot of us chose not to have children or be married.

There's nothing selfish about not breeding. For some it is a choice, for others it's just how things turned out. But there's nothing about reproducing that magically makes a life more meaningful, makes a person unselfish or a better human being. (Obviously) It's just another lifestyle choice, like choosing to keep a large dog. Only children are more trouble and more expense - because dogs are more trainable and if you buy a certain breed at least you have some idea how they'll turn out.

Some of the people here are sharing the pain, loneliness and occasional existential self-doubt that results from being a single in a world that is geared toward couplehood and parenthood. How helpful do you think it is to barge in here and reinforce the ridiculous but still hurtful attitude that single, childless people are doing something wrong, and that any problems they may have are their own fault?

Here's a hint: it's not helpful at all. It's cruel. And an unselfish, happy, well-adjusted person would not do it.

Finally, I just want to observe that it's a good thing (for you, possibly not for them) that you have children and that they provide all the meaning your life will ever need. Because at least they require some of the time you'd otherwise be spending going around judging other people and telling them what's wrong with them because they are not like you. In fact, I'll bet you'd be terrified to have to come up with a way to justify your existence if you did not have children.

Being single and childless at midlife is not for wimps. You couldn't handle it.

I'm the non-lonely, reasonably happy person from Denver.

I didn't mean to be anonymous up there -- I just didn't realize I wasn't signed in. Anyway, that last comment belonged to meeeeeeeee.

Catherine http://ourladyofperfection.blogspot.com

I think this subject can be very difficult to talk about exactly because most of us didn't completely choose this life for ourselves. And while that's probably true of everyone at middle age -- who predicted precisely where they would be at this point in their lives? -- for single women, there is such a stigma attached, the idea that no one wants us or we wouldn't be single. I'm not saying that this is what I believe, I'm saying that's the fear. And while some women consciously decide not to have children, I think more women who don't have children don't consciously make that choice, but it is thrust upon them by circumstances.

I too have a hard time sorting out which of my life circumstances were of my own making and which were just life happening to me. It took me a long time to learn to have healthy relationships, and I never wanted to have the unhealthy ones that seemed to be available to me. By the time I learned to have healthy relationships, most people were at the family-oriented stage of life and already had kids of their own. I've just always been a bit out of synch that way. I also practically raised my youngest brother, and felt in some ways that when I left my family of origin, I was free to do what I wanted -- as if I hit mid-life in my late teens!

I have to say that part of me likes the "invisibility" of being a middle-aged women. I was never comfortable with cat calls and sexual intimidation -- not that anyone is -- and I found that a major downside of being young. Now I feel like I can be who I am, do what I want, and people just aren't judging me or if they are, I don't really care. I think of it as a kind of freedom.

Although I didn't set out to be single and childless, I do think there were elements of choice along the way and I'd like to be able to embrace my place in life now, which is why I enjoy talking with other women (and men) who have wound up in this place and hearing about how they're dealing with it, what's important to them, how they are finding meaning in their lives. Since I took up blogging and talking here about these issues, I'm feeling better. I'm feeling like lives such as ours are as valid and meaningful as anyone else's, and I like the idea of documenting some elements of my life and finding that I'm not alone.

--Catherine http://ourladyofperfection.blogspot.com

I'm married with children, but very independent. I go to restaurants, movies, and entertainment quite often alone or with friends, many of whom are single/widowed. All of us at one time or another second-guess our lives, so it is not just a single woman mid-life phenomena.

We don't spend much time discussing children, but do converse on a variety of subjects including politics, current events, decorating, fashion, health issues, etc; topics that are of interest to all of us.

The singles in our group don't feel left out because we purposely avoid talking about "cute little things" our children or grandchildren are doing. Let's face it; everyone thinks their kids and grandkids are perfect, so there's no need for further discussion. We're on to more interesting topics.

If you aren't getting the same feedback from your social circle, find some new friends who have more to talk about than their children.

Catch Her In the Wry http://catch-her-in-the-wry.blogspot.com/

I've just signed up with a user name now - hey, it's the first thing I've done to recognise I'm in mid-LIFE!! ;-)

So the above post - the post I'm replying to here - is my first post here ;-)

hey.... it's a virginal experience ;-) ..... just not the "usual" virginal experience ;-)

OK OK ..... I'll stop my quirky humor .... ;-)

Thank you for your contribution. Your story is interesting on a variety of levels. First off you openness and introspection gives insight into a world that many see from the outside but have no idea what is going on the inside.

People will often say, "take a look at it from the other person's perspective". But what if you have no idea what the other person's perspective is? That's where you come in.

Your contribution above comes as close to describing so many of the things that I've read others experiencing in the discussion forum about Wife's MLC all of the way down to the older friend who the husband is wary.

I hope you are able to work things out and that you find out what it is that you are seeking at this stage in your life. Please consider registering here at LifeTwo (see far right hand column of this page for sign-up) and continuing to post. Your experiences will be insightful and helpful to many who are trying to come to grips with similar issues.

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I began reading the replies and noticed a LOT of people saying the same thing as I was - and am - thinking ... :-)

I've got SOOOOOO much to say on these things because I've thought about them for a while until it all just made "sense'...

After severe illness broke up my relationship and my ability to have children etc I questioned the purpose of life of a single woman with no children.....

I found that the happiest people were those that have a passion in their lives and make that their purpose. one of the reasons why they want to get up in the morning. OK... after gooing to work to pay the bills ;-)

ie. a passion being something that they really really enjoy so much that they're actually passionate about that topic - whether it's their pets, collecting, sewing .... something that they love.

And following on - if you can make your passion your PURPOSE then you'll be VERY very happy.

AND something that I've also very passionate about is the way you WORD something ... it can actually govrn the way you think about it.

We are NOT - definately NOT -

UNmarried, or childLESS.

Know what I mean?

If you say this then you are instantly believing that you are less than others - less than the married or those with kids.

So, we are

happily flying solo, or single, or ??

plus, we are

childfree.

yes - free of the work and obligations with having children.

One last comment (although there's more i could say!) is to anonymous who posted on 15th october. you are just starting out a "new" life after leaving your husband and you're nervous - THIS TO ME IS TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE ! please don't be too hard on yourself... this is one of the major changes happeing in life .... it's a stressful time so be easy on yourself. reach out to others if you need help - even jsut to talk to someone. but don't do it alone.

Anyway, hope that you can undestand what I'm saying!!

this message has been posted by someone called

Anony-mouse ;-) (not just plain, ol' "anonymous")

;-) ;-) ;-)

I don't think that's fair, to say that only never-married women can relate to this topic. What does having been married previously have to do with what it's like to be childless and single at midlife? My two marriages - one for 14 months, one for 10 years - could as easily have been "just" relationships. I was coupled previously; so were most of us. I am no longer in touch with either former husband.

Bottom line: I've been single more than I've been married or coupled. I still have no kids. I'm still a single women of a certain age (54). I'm still invisible.

I am a homeowner with two cats. My solitude is compounded by a few things: when I left the alkie ex five years ago, I had to leave his family, friends, and my work as well, because I had moved to his hometown a year after we met to become self-employed. I could not afford to go back to where I lived and worked before, and my friends from those days have moved on anyway.

Also, my father and two brothers died (both childless) in the 80s and 90s, and I have no relatives other than my 90-year-old mother 1500 miles away. (As an interesting aside, she envies my life, as she envies the lives of other women who are widows or divorced. We get to do exactly what we want, while she's stuck with a man she doesn't love but thinks she's too old to leave.)

To top it all off, I am an editor who works from home. Therefore there's no way to make friends at work.

I knew when I left the ex that building a new life would take time. I've done it before - started completely over all by myself. I dated a man after the divorce, which was just what I needed to get out and enjoy life fully again, but that's over now - and he doesn't have any friends other than me (yes, we're still friends).

Occasionally I have twinges of loneliness. I might shed a self-pitying tear or two, then I'll take myself out to dinner, or cook something, or read a book, or watch a movie, or shop, or buy a bottle of Irish whiskey, or work in the yard, or clean the gutters, or snuggle a cat. The moment passes.

I would like to have friends. I don't believe that there's any way to force the formation of friendships, though, and if I just keep doing what I enjoy - with perhaps a little more emphasis on doing it around other people, and giving of myself when the opportunity arises (babysitting or baking for neighbors, volunteering) - friendships will happen. It takes time to rebuild a social network from zero, but I'm working on it and being patient with myself and others.

I wish I had realized earlier how much wasted energy I put into dating and relationships. It's taken me this long to understand that I am a person who is happiest living alone. It's nothing short of tragic that we are fooled by society and culture into believing that a happy, long-lasting love relationship and/or family is everyone's birthright - it is not. Nor is it true that just finding "the right one" will make you happy. Very very few people ever get that. It's wrong to think your life has no meaning or that you are a failure if you never get that either.

I'm actually pretty happy. When I look at the big picture, I realize that I am one of the most fortunate people on the planet, past or present. I can support myself, I don't have to answer to anyone, I get to run my own life (with all the responsibility and peril that that implies). I am able to spend days, even weeks, entirely and contentedly in my own company. How many women, in particular, in the history of the world have ever been able to say that? A few million, perhaps, at best.

That said, anyone in Denver want to get together and talk about it?

My husband did hit close to home with his "people pleasing" comment. My parents did a good job raising my brother and I. We never wanted anything but it was a household right out of "Leave it to Beaver" except it was emotioanlly dry. I knew my parents loved me but I don't remember them telling me that once. Emotions and intimacy were suppressed. We were what you might call WASPS and were modestly wealthy. My husband said it seemed like I did favors, sometimes bending over backwards, to please people and make them like me. It was true when I grew up. I was always told to be a good girl so to me that meant being helpful. It justified my existence. I'm wondering now if it doesn't take more to nurture a friendship and that's why I'm in the boat I'm in. To be hones I never developed skill set to open up and tell how I feel. I admitted once to my husband that I really don't know who I am and he looked at me. We have/had a good mariage i guess. He a hard worker, promising future, great husband, father and listener. Nothing precipitated my decision to leave. I just felt, I don't know.... No, he had genuine friendhships. A few are in other parts of country but they travel to our city and they're in touch. Distance doesn't seem to diminish their affection. It's pretty real. He was in hospital once, a sudden appendicts attack, and two of them dropped what they were doing and within 2 days, had flew in from the midwest. He's done the same for them though under different circumstances. No one but my family would do something like that. We have old neighbor friends but we/I see them once a year, twice at best. Church folk aren't that interesting. The onces who don't have families are older and the divorcees I know depress me frankly. I know one who goes birding. My husband's remarks were constructive in that they prompted me to look at myself. Here I am, on the doorstep of 50, resident of a very vibrant city. I hope to date, at least for male companionship, but that won't be easy. The ratio of women to me in my city seems to be 5-1 and this is a college town populated by attractive, intelligent women. There are men, but the decent, eligible men in their 40-plus seem scarce. Any single, elible men in that age range is taken unless there is something wrong with him. Men like my husband - 6'-4", trim and active - are scarce. I wanted the divorce but I don't want to be the depressed, single woman sitting at home or dating schmucks.

My husband's not bad. It's going to absolutely kill me when he remarries. He's tall, handsome, in great shape with a good career. We're a handsome couple. He had some baggage but he's worked hard on himself. My announcement this spring that i want a divorce knocked him for a loop but he just says its God's way and he'll accept it. But he's also embraced his Christian faith in a way that doesn't mesh with what I want with the rest of my life. He's not a zealot and he doesn't preach nor does he press his values on me. We still socialize together, have outings, etc. He's not a bore. We go to separate churches. His is more conservative. He reads Bible with our daughter and says prayers with her at night. He talks with her about morals with more patience than I could muster. What's wrong with ths picture? I want to have fun and be happy in life. We're in an affluent suburb in a nice home, out income together approaches the 200's. We're comfortable but I want more. My car has 40,000 miles. I'd like to travel more. Our bathroom could be updated and, though I like my career, I'd rather not have to work every day. My husband meanwhile, is pleasantly content. You don't need a new car, he says. Bathroom can wait until we put money away for daughter's college. We'll budget more for a vacation. My attitude is we're almost 50. If we don't do these things now, than when? We are products of out upbringing. His family is working class and taught him t live with less. He never rode on an airplane until he went to college. He says he never even dreamed of haviong the life we have now when he was a kid. I grew up with mor privilige. My mon didn't work. My father was a doctor who provided. We lived differently. Granted they weren't the warmest people but we had a good life. I left my husband because I don't see us getting anywhere near the lifestyle I'd like. He says he happily expects to work until the day he drops dead. I wnat to retire early. You can see the conflict. I'm a mid level manager in a PR firm. Half the men here make double what my husband and I earn in a year. Their wives don't work. They golf, own boats, vacation property. You see the picture. A couple are nice looking, confident men. They flirt and I flirt back. I have wondered what it would be like to switch them for my husband. We're not divorced but I'm in my apartment and dating is not the same thing as cheating. I'm thinking, hoping, I can connect with someone out there who's on the same page as I am. I don't want to have to date for 10 years. I know women at work who do that.For every good date, there are 7 lousy ones. I do feel more independent, more in control so that's a start. I don't know if this is mid life or hormones. I needed to make a correction.

I understand. A couple needs to have the same goals and outlook on things desired. My great idea is maybe we could turn this into one of those movies where the son becomes the Dad and vice versa. What was that movie called again. Anyway, maybe magically you become me and vice versa for a few months. Then, if we didn't like it, after a few months we could switch back. The 10 years wasn't just all one meaningless date after another. I've had actual boyfriends, but for whatever reason, none of those relationships became a "forever" thing. I went to a therapist over it all for awhile. During one session I cried and lamented "why why why, didn't any of those relationships pan out?" and her response was enlightening... "bad luck." Ha. I think that's so funny. As for the money. I divorced my husband because 1) he never made a dime, and I had to support him completely and 2) because we were merely roommates. So any decisions to be made about new bathrooms and new cars would have been mine to make because after all, it was all my money. Unfortunately, at the time, I didn't make enough money to pay all the bills and redo the bathroom and buy a new car. Once we were divorced I took an old house and practically gutted it, and now I have my new bathroom, new kitchen, new deck etc. At this point, I would trade in all the new bathrooms and new cars for a good husband, who loves me and I love him back.

My husband was always a good earner and probably always will because of his upbringing. You could look at us and on the surface you'd be hardpressed to find a reason for me aksing for a divorce. I still see him because of our child. I know I deeply hurt him, not only what I did but how I handled it. He accused me of confiding with my new "friend" all these months without talking with him about something that would cause so much upheaval. He's right. I like my friend but she doesn't have her life together and I can't really call her a close friend because I've known her only two years. She's not a very stable person. Some days she's just hanging on. My husband's right on a lot of points. I came to this decision internally and didn't involve him until the day I announced. I checked out of the marriage months ago and pushed him away whenever he approached me to talk about our marrriage. He made he effort to talk many times. I didn't. From his point of view this stinks. From the outside looking in our marriage looked good. He always tried and it mattered to him that I was happy. I just felt I had to do something, anything. I wasn't fully happy and I blamed the closest person I guess. I can't put a finger on the reason andt that's what eats away at me some times. I left him. I moved out. Now I'm in my apartment, which I am starting to furnish, my job/career, joint custody of our child, "friends" but not the type who will stick with me in a crisis and what else? My husband was blown away and furious when I announced but but he steadied himself within 2-3 days. We had to share the house until I moved out. It was tense but he settled down. He even let me have the bedroom and took the spare room. It was a matress on the floow with a small table and lamp. He'd be in there at night reading the Bible. He adopted this civil attitude, not argumentative, eventhough he has a temper. I ended up being the one who flipped out, slamming doors, cursing anfd yelling because he refused to move into an apartment. He just sat there and took it all in and said he was sorry I was feeling this way. I was so embarrassed I had to leave the house for a while. I know he's not happy. He's taken off his ring, whic is fair i guess, since I removed mine months ago. He won't look me in the face. It's like he's said to himself, "I can't change your mind, fine. Let's do what we have to do to raise our daughter." He calls me "mommy" in front of her and makes sure she calls me before bedtime on his nights with her. This has puzzled me. It's nice but not what I expected and all the more reason to make me dread going it alone. I'll be free but not secure. I've seen the way other women look at my husband. If I were a single woman and happened to meet him I'd thank my stars and practically throw a net over him. He could very well come through this bruised but okay in the end. That makes me queasy. I don't know what's out here for me. There are a couple of men at work who flirt but what if all they want is a quickie? I don't want to serial date. It may be fun for a while, meeting different men, having different experiences but it scares me. I hear women talk all the time and listen to the near desperation. They have hopes of finding a good man but "The odds aren't good but the goods are odd." as the say. And I don't want to spend large chuinks of my life going out with girlfriends. I've seen the picture: three women going to a movie or sitting at table in a restaurant having dinner together. AAAARGH! Maybe I'm feeling pregame jitters.

a)you still love him because you can't stand the thought of him with someone else. b)i don't know your friend but just keep this in mind: misery loves company. c) he probably would have given into redoing the bathroom and anything else you wanted within reason and at some point he would have joined in with enthusiasm d)there are men everywhere that will flirt, and yes it feels great, but rarely does it turn into anything, one out of a hundred is genuine and you can be setting yourself up for big disappoints and e)i really think you should talk to your gynecologist, get your hormones tested although my doctor told me that changes from day to day, and just consider that your feelings of restlessness and "gotta make a correction" may, just may, be menopause, which is temporary (not like the loss of a good husband) and can be controlled. I could be absolutely wrong about everything...but I don't think so.

Catherine, me too. But now in a serious relationship. Life is too short to waste, all make me tick is that I can do what I want to do. Sometimes be a volunteer, sometime be an oversea traveller, sometimes bake some yummy cakes for myself, sometimes have a sweet dream, etc. Enjoy life and survive myself easily.

Sometimes I hope I become a lion, but I am just a cat!