Midlife and always single women

I too have never marrried or had children, although I have had 2 long relationships. I have just turned 50 and have been single for nearly a year which is the longest I've gone without a relationship in my adult life.

I think you raise an interesting question and it's also interesting that it hasn't provoked a flood of comments! I have struggled with the meaning of life for as long as I can remember, but I never wanted children or considered that they might be the answer.

I've made a deliberate decision not to seek another relationship for the moment and am using this time to get to know myself better. I have actually changed countries, which has thrown up some questions of identity and culture.

Thanks for commenting, Suze. I was starting to feel like a freak of nature. Ok, not really -- of course I know there are other never-marrieds out there.

I have a friend that tells me when I get all "meaning of lifey" that I deserve to be ignored -- she's really kidding but I did pester people about it in the past.

It must be interesting to be living in another country. I'd be very interested in hearing about those questions of identity and culture because I bet they're extra-interesting at midlife. I hope you'll post about it.

I wonder if people haven't responded to this post because not a lot of single/childless women read LifeTwo, or whether there's an element of shame or embarrassment involved. Or maybe the whole "meaning of life" question threw people off.

--Catherine http://ourladyofperfection.blogspot.com

Catherine:

A couple of things to note.

1. I wonder if people haven't responded to this post because not a lot of single/childless women read LifeTwo...

The ratio of people who read vs. those who comment can range from 100 to 2,500. We've found that even posts that resonate with people won't always generate comments. Not sure if it's the nature of the Internet or this site but the vast majority of people are just more comfortable reading what others have written than even leaving a "me too" comment. That said, one day someone wrote about their wife's midlife crisis and we are now over 400 comments. We believe that as time goes on people will become more and more comfortable with contributing to the conversation.

The best thing to do is to write what you feel and know that hundreds (and more typically thousands) are reading it.

2. I think your observation about being childless in middle age is spot on.

I just had lunch with a good friend who I hadn't seen in a few years. After we got past the pleasantries the topic of children came up. He told me that he and his wife had decided no kids. It was clear that he and his wife lead meaningful lives and are quite happy. Having children is just not right for them. Yet, given the social pressures that you discussed above, they probably feel the need to justify their decision though they certainly don't owe anyone an explanation.

3. Meaning of life.

Believe me. Having kids doesn't end the "meaning of life" introspection. This comes from personal experience as well as I observe running LifeTwo. I just finished reviewing Alan Alda's new book. Here is a successful guy with several kids and many many grandchildren, and he still grapples with meaning of life--so much so that he dedicates a book to it.

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I haven't commented because I really didn't have much to say. I'm a single middle aged (yikes) woman. Never married. I came to this site when I followed a link to their 'happiness week.' I did all of the exercises and found myself reading articles and then utlimately the discussions.

I was almost married 10 years ago. My fiance turned 40 and it was right out of a movie. He became a changed man. He alternated between moody and mean. I thought it was just the stress of the engagement but when weeks turned to months I couldn't handle it.

Oddly we remained friends but could never go back to where we were and I'm not even looking for a husband. A few years ago he told me what was gonig on in his mind during that time. He told me that he was only telling me now because it was only recently that he got his hands around it.

He calls it the classic 'midlife crisis.' He said that he went from loving his job to hating it. From never thinking about mortality to thinking about how few years he had left. He said the one thing that he hasn't figured out is why he blamed me but he now admits that for some reason that's who he blamed.

Part of me wishes I had known about LifeTwo or more accurately had access to the type of information and people who are here, and part of me is glad that it happened before the marriage and not after. While it was a little embarrassing trying to explain to friends/family what happened, there were no kids or lawyers to contend with. Maybe if we were married I could have stuck it out but I really didn't like being a punching bag and don't see how I could have remained with him for the 18-24 mos. it took for him to work it out.

I think I forgot the original question you asked Catherine but thanks for listening! Oh yeah, it was about kids. Sometimes I feel bad that I never had them but more often than not I'm pretty happy with my place in life. Plus I have great nieces and nephews and I can always get my fill of kids if I need a child fix. One thing I do not do is to equate my purpose or meaning of life to having offspring. I think they would have been fun to have but validating my existence doesn't depend on it.

Thank you again Catherine.

No partner, no children. I have a large circle of good friends of all ages. The meaning I get from life is by doing activism and volunteer work. I have spent a lot of time on issues of sexual violence against women and children. Specifically, on pornography and its use in the violation of women and children. I actually feel that not having kids gives me time to devote to this effort. I want to do good in the world. Of course, I still ponder the meaning of life and all that. R.

Wesley, thanks. You make a lot of good points here. I really need to read that Alan Alda book -- if he's questioning the meaning of life, it must really be a universal experience -- because I would think that being married, having kids, having an incredibly successful career, running for President (oh, whoops, seems I'm still getting The West Wing confused with reality...), etc., would pretty much make a person feel they had found meaning -- I guess it might not be a matter of achievement at all.

I'm also glad to think about the number of people reading these posts as opposed to simply the number who have responded -- and now there have been a few more responses, and that's great -- having lurked on many websites/discussion groups myself, that all makes sense. And I'm not surprised to hear that LifeTwo has such a large readership -- it's one of the few and certainly very comprehensive websites dealing with middle age.

Thanks again for your response.

Catherine http://ourladyofperfection.blogspot.com

I'm married with children, but very independent. I go to restaurants, movies, and entertainment quite often alone or with friends, many of whom are single/widowed. All of us at one time or another second-guess our lives, so it is not just a single woman mid-life phenomena.

We don't spend much time discussing children, but do converse on a variety of subjects including politics, current events, decorating, fashion, health issues, etc; topics that are of interest to all of us.

The singles in our group don't feel left out because we purposely avoid talking about "cute little things" our children or grandchildren are doing. Let's face it; everyone thinks their kids and grandkids are perfect, so there's no need for further discussion. We're on to more interesting topics.

If you aren't getting the same feedback from your social circle, find some new friends who have more to talk about than their children.

Catch Her In the Wry http://catch-her-in-the-wry.blogspot.com/

I am 54, married and have two daughters...30 & 32. I am suffering the same feelings of meaninglessness and wondering what my life is for. Once your kids really get into their own lives, your days of mothering are basically over (until they have an emergency). They are no longer your social life, your life, period. I had the career, let it become my life, and burned out.

So I never made the social contacts you might have, girlfriends etc. When I was younger, yes, I had friends, some with kids some not and now, nothing. I am retired early and starting my own business, alone.

I feel alone even though I'm married, have a good life and everything I thought I'd want but it all seems so been there, done that. Or like I've outgrown this life and need to shed it and start over.

I just wanted you to know that I had kids early because my mom died and they created a new instant life for me. But it ends eventually. Holidays are dismal when the kids aren't home. I think sometimes it would have been better to have stayed single with no kids!

And if I had someone to go to lunch with, I wouldn't be talking about my children! But about life, the world, my art!

Diana http://www.myspace.com/withallmyheartart

I just came across this site while looking for someone, anyone who was single, childless and questioning. I'm 53 and have been married twice. Once at 19 (for 5 years) and again at 37 (for 4 years). I knew at a young age (13 or so)that I didn't want kids but now wonder why. Was it because I grew up as one of eight kids and saw what that was like for mom? The amount of sacrifice that was required. I have always been fiercely independent and have never felt I could depend on anyone else for anything. I've been called selfish by more than one person for not complying with society and procreating. At 41 I gave up the fight as far as relationships were concerned and figured since I'd spent so much of my life alone that this would just be more of the same. But even though I never lacked male attention when I was younger and thinner, now I'm faced with the reality that I am old, overweight and couldn't get a man to acknowledge me, much less desire me, if I paid them. In the 70's I distinctly felt that not wanting kids was what men wanted. And that was great because that's just how I felt. But now, I feel betrayed - like the joke was on me. I still believe I made the right decision not to have kids - but God, what a price I feel I've had to, and still do, pay. A woman going it alone is hard in their 30's & 40's but from my experience, the older a woman gets the more isolated and invisible she becomes. I can't even imagine what the next decades will bring.

I think this subject can be very difficult to talk about exactly because most of us didn't completely choose this life for ourselves. And while that's probably true of everyone at middle age -- who predicted precisely where they would be at this point in their lives? -- for single women, there is such a stigma attached, the idea that no one wants us or we wouldn't be single. I'm not saying that this is what I believe, I'm saying that's the fear. And while some women consciously decide not to have children, I think more women who don't have children don't consciously make that choice, but it is thrust upon them by circumstances.

I too have a hard time sorting out which of my life circumstances were of my own making and which were just life happening to me. It took me a long time to learn to have healthy relationships, and I never wanted to have the unhealthy ones that seemed to be available to me. By the time I learned to have healthy relationships, most people were at the family-oriented stage of life and already had kids of their own. I've just always been a bit out of synch that way. I also practically raised my youngest brother, and felt in some ways that when I left my family of origin, I was free to do what I wanted -- as if I hit mid-life in my late teens!

I have to say that part of me likes the "invisibility" of being a middle-aged women. I was never comfortable with cat calls and sexual intimidation -- not that anyone is -- and I found that a major downside of being young. Now I feel like I can be who I am, do what I want, and people just aren't judging me or if they are, I don't really care. I think of it as a kind of freedom.

Although I didn't set out to be single and childless, I do think there were elements of choice along the way and I'd like to be able to embrace my place in life now, which is why I enjoy talking with other women (and men) who have wound up in this place and hearing about how they're dealing with it, what's important to them, how they are finding meaning in their lives. Since I took up blogging and talking here about these issues, I'm feeling better. I'm feeling like lives such as ours are as valid and meaningful as anyone else's, and I like the idea of documenting some elements of my life and finding that I'm not alone.

--Catherine http://ourladyofperfection.blogspot.com

I didn't mean to be anonymous up there -- I just didn't realize I wasn't signed in. Anyway, that last comment belonged to meeeeeeeee.

Catherine http://ourladyofperfection.blogspot.com

Hi, I'm 45, single, never married and childless. I don't think I regret not having kids. I have given up on ever marrying. My life for the past year and a half has been sheer mental torture, trying to decide if I should quit my job. I never really liked my field of work to begin with (business admin), but my job became my life and my status was wrapped up in titles and promotions. Now I have no friends to speak of and everyone is busy with their own lives. I've read that people should not make radical changes at midlife, but I am wondering why not? Why continue in misery if I am only responsible for myself? I actually feel a calling to the religious life. Has anyone experienced that? And what did you do about it?

But I really don't give a crap anymore whether or not life has meaning.

I'm 54, had a 3 year marriage and no children. I spent years and decades chasing the popular culture notion of what my life ought to look like, and was continuously and miserably unhappy.

Maybe we ought to define our own lives and let the devil take the hindermost.

I'm tired of endlessly following the prescriptions of others who probably don't have a clue themselves.

By the time you do all that, you've wasted years that probably could have been very happy, if you would have just accepted yourself exactly how you are and called it "good".

i turned 46 this spring a wanted a divorce after 15 years. i have one daughter. i was married to a "good" man, church goer, easygoing, fun, god partner. i loved him, i think. i'm not sure divorce was right move. friends of ours are confused. i started seeing a therapist to guide me through. after one session she said i sounded co-dependent. my once-alcoholic husband has been sober for 13 years. as he got better he stopped showing me appreciaion. i just wanted him to validate me more. he did but never enough. i'd go into rages. he said i wasa a "martyr" and said i looked for things to be unhappy about. this man did almost everything i could have asked for but i don't thijnk he ever appreciated me. he didn't make me happy. i don't know if i had intimate feelings for him, though he loved me. i asked for divorce and moved out. he said fine. we'll split custody of daughter but without him, i realize feel kind of empty and scared. i have no long term friends except the girls i grew up with. i did manage to strike up a good friendship with a woman 10 years older than me at the spa. her life's not so good right now but somehow we've connected. we've become close, like sisters. she has one problem after another - drug addicted son, nasty husband and her own personal issues but she's good company. i plan to start dating soon. i feel good about the future. i have a successful career, money to buy furniture for my apartment. people think i'm a good person and i have more time to be with my friend. my husband disapproved of the relationship. i think there was some jealousy there. as i said, i feel good but i'm also a little scared about going it alone.

Thank you for your contribution. Your story is interesting on a variety of levels. First off you openness and introspection gives insight into a world that many see from the outside but have no idea what is going on the inside.

People will often say, "take a look at it from the other person's perspective". But what if you have no idea what the other person's perspective is? That's where you come in.

Your contribution above comes as close to describing so many of the things that I've read others experiencing in the discussion forum about Wife's MLC all of the way down to the older friend who the husband is wary.

I hope you are able to work things out and that you find out what it is that you are seeking at this stage in your life. Please consider registering here at LifeTwo (see far right hand column of this page for sign-up) and continuing to post. Your experiences will be insightful and helpful to many who are trying to come to grips with similar issues.

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Ann Harrison of Contemporary Retirement is working on a new book and has asked for our (your) help. The book is called "Retirement and the Single Woman."

Ann would like to from any women on LifeTwo:

If you were to remain single for the rest of your life,

a) what would be your biggest fears regarding your old age? and b) what are you doing to allay those fears?

Both we and Ann thank you. You can respond by leaving a comment below or emailing her at retirement@annharrisonlifecoaching.com.

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I am also 48 and single without children. I was married once but divorced 10 years ago, long enough to feel as though I never had been. I've had relationships, but never found The One. I have been fighting depression for months now. This morning I woke up at 4am as I often do, in a panic over my age and the lack of meaning in my life. I think if I had had children, I would feel OK regardless of my marital status. The other problem is loneliness. I have plenty of acquaintances but no REAL friends. I find it so hard at my age to meet women in the same situation as I am. Are there any 48ish single woman out there who live in CT who are looking for girlfriends just to do things with? I find Sunday dinners alone particularly depressing. Karen

how is it that you came to have no "real" friends? i ask because i'm 47 and about to divorce - at my request. it's amicable. my husband and i still talk.

he remarked that he's been able to fall back on support from his friends to get through this. he went on the explain how he has 10-11 friends - some of them people he's known since college 30 years ago. i realized that never really looked closely enough at my husband to realize how he has cultivated deep friendships with healthy, productive people over the years. i've met all of them at one time or another and vouch for the fact that they like him a lot. these are not old girlfriends or drinking pals - my husband doesn't drink - but very dependable people. at least five are from his college days - including two former professors. they're men and women and most live in other parts of the country but at some point they crossed paths with my husband and became life long friends.

this made me look at myself and my "friendships." what i saw startled me. while on the surface i had thought i had tons of "friends" but once i sat down and thought about this i realized i really don't. i mean i know nice people i could call friends but these are not the deep, enduring relationships. if you take away my childhood friends, which are friends and default, there is no one.

this is weird because i was always the one who liked to go to parties, social events, dinners, etc.etc. my husband would accompany me but never with my enthusiasm.

my husband once said i was a "people pleaser" who needed to do favors for others to earn approval. he was right, i do like doing things for people. the problem, he said, was that these relationships don't translate into lasting friendships because the affection is not genuine. he could recite names of people who were in my life for one short period and gone the next. now i'm looking around and wondering. i have no friends from college, no friends from my early career days, etc. i have friends who were past neioghbors and people from church but i can go a year without seeing these people. my closest "friend" today is a married women i met at a woman's group whose life is a crippling mess. i've known her about 2 years. she's the one who counseled me on this divorce. she knew i was unhappy in my marriage and said i should be happy and do whatever it takes to be happy. my husband's remark has been a waekup call. but how do yout change the picture? my husband will know hs friends the rest of his life. i'd like to have that too. at a minimum i'd like male companionship, maybe even date and remarry. the more i think about this the more scared i become. thanks for your note.

"my husband's remark has been a wakeup call. but how do you change the picture? my husband will know his friends the rest of his life. i'd like to have that too."

I thought I'd chime in. I read a book on networking a few years ago and it made me think about which friends I have that I've kept in touch with and what has happened to those that I have not. I think the lesson that I learned was that much like cultivating a garden, maintaining friendships requires attention and sometimes work. Here is what I mean:

1. It's okay to refuse an invitation to a party, get-together, etc., but do this too much and they might stop inviting you. So I make it a point to say yes when humanly possible when a friend makes the effort to reach out and invite me to something. If I say no, I don't just send regrets but try and call or email them and arrange something else.

2. Email is an incredible tool for friendships. Sending little notes is a great way to avoid letting too much time go by. Note this isn't the mass email spam type jokes. Instead it is more personalized things tailored for them.

3. MySpace, LinkedIn, Classmates, Facebook et. al., are all great tools for re-engaging with people you've lost track of.

4. Initiate contact if too much time has gone by. I periodically go through my rolodex to see if there is someone who I don't want to fall off the radar because the passage of time.

5. Consistency. If you talk, email and get together with people and mutually enjoy the company, over time these will develop into close relationships.

By the way, the book I'm talking about is "Never Eat Alone" and everyone I've referred it to has enjoyed it. Amazon link: Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time

It sounds like you've done the hard parts. You like to socialize and you do favors for people. Without knowing the specifics, the one piece that might be missing is keeping the friendships alive for a long enough time that they become strong enduring friendships while all of the demands of life try to get in the way.

If you feel intimidated by the tools in #3, let me know and perhaps I'll do a post on it. LinkedIn in particular is very easy and not off-putting in the least.

Finally, some of this might sound superficial and more appropriate for a salesperson and someone wanting to develop meaningful relationships. But relationships require contact to develop and stay alive, and as I noted above, in today's world there are so many demands on us that if we don't put effort into keeping in touch years go by and the connection withers.

Update: In re-reading my comment I feel that it might come off as a little trite or opportunistic. Deep friendships evolve over time and can't be calculated or strategized. My point was to keep simple friendships active to give some of them the opportunity to develop into deep, meaningful friendships.

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I don't know why I ended up with no "real" friends. I guess all of this depends on one's definition of a real friend. I have people who care about me. For instance, my boss cares about me and I guess he is a "real" friend, but he's my boss. He's not someone I can pal around with on the weekend. Maybe it's partially because I grew up in the Chicago area, and when I moved to Connecticut in my 20's I left all my school friends, high school and college, back there. I've always envied the people I know here who were born and raised here, because they have been able to stay somewhat in touch with the people they knew when they were very young. I think lifelong friends are the ones you made before you turned 23 (just grabbed that number out of the air). The ones you make when you're married are usually other married people in the same life situation as you. When you're our age, and get divorced, and maybe this depends on what part of the country you live in, it's difficult to find other women friends in the exact same situation as you. The few women I know that are my age, and divorced, I met at work, but they also have teenage children. So, their children are a priority. They don't want to go out on a Saturday for a few drinks. Hence, I sit at home. I'm not going to go out by myself. Anyway, don't be scared. I think you have just as many friends as your husband does, but women have different friend relationships then men do. What he says is a lifelong enduring and genuine friendship with an old professor who lives elsewhere in the country...well, how is that more genuine then someone you know from church, or old neighbors?

My husband did hit close to home with his "people pleasing" comment. My parents did a good job raising my brother and I. We never wanted anything but it was a household right out of "Leave it to Beaver" except it was emotioanlly dry. I knew my parents loved me but I don't remember them telling me that once. Emotions and intimacy were suppressed. We were what you might call WASPS and were modestly wealthy. My husband said it seemed like I did favors, sometimes bending over backwards, to please people and make them like me. It was true when I grew up. I was always told to be a good girl so to me that meant being helpful. It justified my existence. I'm wondering now if it doesn't take more to nurture a friendship and that's why I'm in the boat I'm in. To be hones I never developed skill set to open up and tell how I feel. I admitted once to my husband that I really don't know who I am and he looked at me. We have/had a good mariage i guess. He a hard worker, promising future, great husband, father and listener. Nothing precipitated my decision to leave. I just felt, I don't know.... No, he had genuine friendhships. A few are in other parts of country but they travel to our city and they're in touch. Distance doesn't seem to diminish their affection. It's pretty real. He was in hospital once, a sudden appendicts attack, and two of them dropped what they were doing and within 2 days, had flew in from the midwest. He's done the same for them though under different circumstances. No one but my family would do something like that. We have old neighbor friends but we/I see them once a year, twice at best. Church folk aren't that interesting. The onces who don't have families are older and the divorcees I know depress me frankly. I know one who goes birding. My husband's remarks were constructive in that they prompted me to look at myself. Here I am, on the doorstep of 50, resident of a very vibrant city. I hope to date, at least for male companionship, but that won't be easy. The ratio of women to me in my city seems to be 5-1 and this is a college town populated by attractive, intelligent women. There are men, but the decent, eligible men in their 40-plus seem scarce. Any single, elible men in that age range is taken unless there is something wrong with him. Men like my husband - 6'-4", trim and active - are scarce. I wanted the divorce but I don't want to be the depressed, single woman sitting at home or dating schmucks.

Wait, are you sure you're not me? I also am a WASP, same sort of family upbringing. Anyway, who am I, but your husband doesn't sound bad. Are you sure you want a divorce? Or, and I don't mean to step out of bounds, but have you considered that you may be going through a "hormonal change." Gee, I feel weird saying that...the thought just crossed my mind because I think that's happening to me right now and it can do a number on one's emotions. Have you tried a separation from your husband first? And to switch gears quickly, being single at 47 or 48 isn't absolutely terrible. I know married women younger then me who envy me. They think I can be independent, do whatever I want, date different people, how exciting life must be...yada yada. It has it's ups and downs just like everything else. I do have some fun and I do my fair share of dating. But see, I've been doing that for 10 years and now I want it the other way. The loyal husband, wonderful children, in-laws stopping by unannounced, Sunday dinners with friends and family. baking apple pies and coloring Easter eggs.... :)

My husband's not bad. It's going to absolutely kill me when he remarries. He's tall, handsome, in great shape with a good career. We're a handsome couple. He had some baggage but he's worked hard on himself. My announcement this spring that i want a divorce knocked him for a loop but he just says its God's way and he'll accept it. But he's also embraced his Christian faith in a way that doesn't mesh with what I want with the rest of my life. He's not a zealot and he doesn't preach nor does he press his values on me. We still socialize together, have outings, etc. He's not a bore. We go to separate churches. His is more conservative. He reads Bible with our daughter and says prayers with her at night. He talks with her about morals with more patience than I could muster. What's wrong with ths picture? I want to have fun and be happy in life. We're in an affluent suburb in a nice home, out income together approaches the 200's. We're comfortable but I want more. My car has 40,000 miles. I'd like to travel more. Our bathroom could be updated and, though I like my career, I'd rather not have to work every day. My husband meanwhile, is pleasantly content. You don't need a new car, he says. Bathroom can wait until we put money away for daughter's college. We'll budget more for a vacation. My attitude is we're almost 50. If we don't do these things now, than when? We are products of out upbringing. His family is working class and taught him t live with less. He never rode on an airplane until he went to college. He says he never even dreamed of haviong the life we have now when he was a kid. I grew up with mor privilige. My mon didn't work. My father was a doctor who provided. We lived differently. Granted they weren't the warmest people but we had a good life. I left my husband because I don't see us getting anywhere near the lifestyle I'd like. He says he happily expects to work until the day he drops dead. I wnat to retire early. You can see the conflict. I'm a mid level manager in a PR firm. Half the men here make double what my husband and I earn in a year. Their wives don't work. They golf, own boats, vacation property. You see the picture. A couple are nice looking, confident men. They flirt and I flirt back. I have wondered what it would be like to switch them for my husband. We're not divorced but I'm in my apartment and dating is not the same thing as cheating. I'm thinking, hoping, I can connect with someone out there who's on the same page as I am. I don't want to have to date for 10 years. I know women at work who do that.For every good date, there are 7 lousy ones. I do feel more independent, more in control so that's a start. I don't know if this is mid life or hormones. I needed to make a correction.

I understand. A couple needs to have the same goals and outlook on things desired. My great idea is maybe we could turn this into one of those movies where the son becomes the Dad and vice versa. What was that movie called again. Anyway, maybe magically you become me and vice versa for a few months. Then, if we didn't like it, after a few months we could switch back. The 10 years wasn't just all one meaningless date after another. I've had actual boyfriends, but for whatever reason, none of those relationships became a "forever" thing. I went to a therapist over it all for awhile. During one session I cried and lamented "why why why, didn't any of those relationships pan out?" and her response was enlightening... "bad luck." Ha. I think that's so funny. As for the money. I divorced my husband because 1) he never made a dime, and I had to support him completely and 2) because we were merely roommates. So any decisions to be made about new bathrooms and new cars would have been mine to make because after all, it was all my money. Unfortunately, at the time, I didn't make enough money to pay all the bills and redo the bathroom and buy a new car. Once we were divorced I took an old house and practically gutted it, and now I have my new bathroom, new kitchen, new deck etc. At this point, I would trade in all the new bathrooms and new cars for a good husband, who loves me and I love him back.

My husband was always a good earner and probably always will because of his upbringing. You could look at us and on the surface you'd be hardpressed to find a reason for me aksing for a divorce. I still see him because of our child. I know I deeply hurt him, not only what I did but how I handled it. He accused me of confiding with my new "friend" all these months without talking with him about something that would cause so much upheaval. He's right. I like my friend but she doesn't have her life together and I can't really call her a close friend because I've known her only two years. She's not a very stable person. Some days she's just hanging on. My husband's right on a lot of points. I came to this decision internally and didn't involve him until the day I announced. I checked out of the marriage months ago and pushed him away whenever he approached me to talk about our marrriage. He made he effort to talk many times. I didn't. From his point of view this stinks. From the outside looking in our marriage looked good. He always tried and it mattered to him that I was happy. I just felt I had to do something, anything. I wasn't fully happy and I blamed the closest person I guess. I can't put a finger on the reason andt that's what eats away at me some times. I left him. I moved out. Now I'm in my apartment, which I am starting to furnish, my job/career, joint custody of our child, "friends" but not the type who will stick with me in a crisis and what else? My husband was blown away and furious when I announced but but he steadied himself within 2-3 days. We had to share the house until I moved out. It was tense but he settled down. He even let me have the bedroom and took the spare room. It was a matress on the floow with a small table and lamp. He'd be in there at night reading the Bible. He adopted this civil attitude, not argumentative, eventhough he has a temper. I ended up being the one who flipped out, slamming doors, cursing anfd yelling because he refused to move into an apartment. He just sat there and took it all in and said he was sorry I was feeling this way. I was so embarrassed I had to leave the house for a while. I know he's not happy. He's taken off his ring, whic is fair i guess, since I removed mine months ago. He won't look me in the face. It's like he's said to himself, "I can't change your mind, fine. Let's do what we have to do to raise our daughter." He calls me "mommy" in front of her and makes sure she calls me before bedtime on his nights with her. This has puzzled me. It's nice but not what I expected and all the more reason to make me dread going it alone. I'll be free but not secure. I've seen the way other women look at my husband. If I were a single woman and happened to meet him I'd thank my stars and practically throw a net over him. He could very well come through this bruised but okay in the end. That makes me queasy. I don't know what's out here for me. There are a couple of men at work who flirt but what if all they want is a quickie? I don't want to serial date. It may be fun for a while, meeting different men, having different experiences but it scares me. I hear women talk all the time and listen to the near desperation. They have hopes of finding a good man but "The odds aren't good but the goods are odd." as the say. And I don't want to spend large chuinks of my life going out with girlfriends. I've seen the picture: three women going to a movie or sitting at table in a restaurant having dinner together. AAAARGH! Maybe I'm feeling pregame jitters.

a)you still love him because you can't stand the thought of him with someone else. b)i don't know your friend but just keep this in mind: misery loves company. c) he probably would have given into redoing the bathroom and anything else you wanted within reason and at some point he would have joined in with enthusiasm d)there are men everywhere that will flirt, and yes it feels great, but rarely does it turn into anything, one out of a hundred is genuine and you can be setting yourself up for big disappoints and e)i really think you should talk to your gynecologist, get your hormones tested although my doctor told me that changes from day to day, and just consider that your feelings of restlessness and "gotta make a correction" may, just may, be menopause, which is temporary (not like the loss of a good husband) and can be controlled. I could be absolutely wrong about everything...but I don't think so.

Catherine, me too. But now in a serious relationship. Life is too short to waste, all make me tick is that I can do what I want to do. Sometimes be a volunteer, sometime be an oversea traveller, sometimes bake some yummy cakes for myself, sometimes have a sweet dream, etc. Enjoy life and survive myself easily.

Sometimes I hope I become a lion, but I am just a cat!

My husband said the same thing about misery love company. My friend is in a miserable marriage with a durg addicted son who still lives at home. I ask myself why am I listening to her. Where were you when I needed you? I listen to the women at work complain and my husband is starting to sound not so bad. but doesn't sound so bad. Id be embarrassed to tell them why i left him.

I think, I know I hurt him deeply about the divorce. It seemed like what I should do and I'm still not so sure that it isn't. But I guess you can't be a little divorced. My husband though is one of these people who surveys a situation or problem, sets his mind on a plan and moves. He's always saying "make the best of a bad situation" It's only been a short while and he's preparing the house for sale. He's joined a divorce support group and has restarted a project he shelved three years ago because I complained it was taking too much time. His local friends have circled their wagons around him and he's left the church we joined as a family. He's done everything but get married. I should be happy I guess. I'm hoping that in time I'll get me new life going and won't look back, thinking about him.

When they have "troubles" of a relationship kind, they delve into "work." He is being a solid man, taking care of things, handling the situation in a strong minded bull headed way. I don't mean bull headed as negative, I mean as a bull would, straight and strong. I think they do this because they have to in order to not feel the pain. It's not too late for you. You may be right about your decision but I think if you were really really right about it you wouldn't be having all these second thoughts. Maybe you're right, Maybe not. So, why don't you talk to him about it. Why don't you say something to this effect: "I am very confused right now. I'm not sure if I did the right thing and I'm not sure I didn't. I still love you but something just didn't seem right. Maybe it's physical (as in hormones, make sure he knows what you're talking about). I'm going to call my doctor and look into that possibility. In the meantime, I was wondering if you would consider not selling the house just yet so that I can take a little time to work things out in my head. It may be unfair of me to ask this of you, but I needed to ask you anyway." Nothing is set in stone YET. You can put the movie on pause for a few minutes. Take a deep breath and just let God tell you what you need to do. If you ask him, he'll show you.

The problem is the fact that I'm seeing just enough in this new life that draws me further away. independence, freedom to spend money and not worry about it, (I hope to get a new car soon.), time with my friend - although she is ultimately an unhealthy, needy person, etc., etc.....My husband and I are not on the same page. He told me once that his goal in life is to love his family and have a strong enough faith that he could serve people and be content in any circumstance. That's nice but to have that as you goal? He wasn't this way when we married. You could say he's grown or has changed. But we're both closing in on 50. I want to be happy and have fun....I saw him last night when I went over to pick up our daughter after work. He was smiling, engaging, no iciness or anger. It was the first time I actually looked at him up close. I expected him hurried, disheveled, unshaven, wrinkled clothes, a few extra pounds. He's leaner. He irons his shirts and his tie and blazer matched. He smiled and pat my arm. After he carried some boxes out to my car he told me I was looking well - which was a lie. He volunteered to take our daughter Saturday - even though it's my weekend - to let me rest. After saying goodnight he kissed her. Then he stod back on the curb and waved. I smiled back and waved but grit my teeth. I'm 25 pounds overweight. My hair has the texture of hay. I had had a stressful day and looked it. I went back with my daughter early this morning because she left her school books. It was the same thing. He was already shaved, dressed and drinking coffee. He asked me if I wanted a cup. I had the time to stay but just couldn't. I need to process this. I do wonder if he's not hurting inside but putting up a game face to make me have these second thoughts. "Let her see what she's losing." I'll die if I'm out on my own for several years single or unhappily yoked to a man just becasue I don't want to be lonely. Thanks for your warm thoughts.