My mother's midlife crisis.

I was looking at our stats package and was wondering what was getting so many page views and then read your post. I think that people's reaction is the same as mine. A feeling of 'yikes' and then being at a loss for words on what to suggest.

First off, I'm impressed with your assessment of the situation. Your mother seeks something that she isn't getting out of her marriage and uses an ill-advised comment from your dad to justify it. She confuses the attention she is getting and the infatuation with this man as love. This is understandable because just about everyone else makes that mistake at some point in their life. Fortunately she has you to hopefully steer her clear of making an enormous mistake with her life.

But what do you do?

A couple of thoughts come to mind and you will have to decide which are appropriate for your situation.

1. I would try and keep the path of communication open between you and her. If she shuts you out then you lose the ability to guide her through this period. People whose lives are in flux will sometimes shop around until they find someone who will agree with them. They'll dump old friend and turn to new 'friends' who just tell them what they want to hear. You need to be the counterbalance to that potential. Emphasize that you love her no matter what and that you hope she will keep communicating with you even if you say something that she does not agree with.

2. The 'good news,' if that term isn't completely inappropriate int this case, is that you are right, this person isn't her soul mate--since soul mates don't cheat with married women. She will figure this out and the problem with infatuation is that it doesn't last. When that seemingly happy fog that makes people giddy dissipates, then they are able to see the cracks, flaws and issues with the person that they thought was so perfect. But the infatuation with the new person can stick around enough that a person can do real and lasting harm to themselves and to their marriage. So the trick is damage control while someone is in a period of confusion.

3. You might want to tell her that she needs to separate the reasons that she has started cheating from the actual cheating. It's okay to feel the things she is feeling and to want to change and improve one's life. In fact this is healthy. If she is unhappy with her marriage, herself or anything else then she can use what has happened as a wakeup call to tackle those. And she doesn't have to tackle them alone. You can help her as can counseling. You and her could agree to work together to get your father into counseling as well.

That said she just might look at you, give you a knowing smile, and say "But I'm happy for the first time in years."

Of course not everyone having midlife dissatisfaction cheats, but it is easy to see why someone might grab on to something that makes them feel appreciated, young, etc. People like attention, excitement, and (um) other things that come with an affair. But as you noted these are short-term attributes of something that can cause long-term regret.

I think the goal should be to get her to tackle all of the reasons she found herself open to straying but to do so in a manner that is more constructive than the one she has chosen. How to do this is the million dollar question. Counseling is highly recommended. If she doesn't want to go with her husband, then she should go alone.

You should know that many affairs in middle age have nothing to do with the usual midlife crisis. Rather, they are the result of placing low value on the relationship, and poor bonding with one's spouse. I took this from this post that you might find helpful. Is My Spouse Cheating Because Of A Midlife Crisis?

Here is a post on marriage counseling: Counseling can work

If you haven't read it, here is our most comprehensive post on midlife crisis

Please note that we've talked exclusively about your mother. Your dad is going to have to do his part. You mentioned that he is a heavy drinker and we could go on and on about that, but I'm sure you know the issues there and that they will have to be addressed regardless of what happens with his wife (your mom). It's entirely possible that he feels the similar dissatisfaction with his life but has turned to the bottle instead of another person. Regardless, this situation will have to be part of whatever gets worked out.

Hopefully they will both realize that they can adopt a healthy response to the situation instead of the destructive behaviors they are each now pursuing. If they do and resolve whatever it was that put them on their paths, they might find themselves in a very good place and better positioned to enjoy the next phase of their life.

Thank you for sharing and please let us know what transpires so we can all learn from your experiences. We've learned that for every person that writes a comment or post at least 100 more people go "that's what's happening to me!".

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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Questions 3:

1. How do you normally get your mom's attention in a way that gets past her defenses and has her listen to you?

2. Where does your responsiblity begin and end in this situation?

3. Is "advice-giver" a role you want to wear in this relationship? If so, what's a great question you could ask your mom that would cause her to see things afresh? If not, how can you politely drop the role?

Thank you very much! That was quite an insightful comment, and it gave me some sound advice on what to do. I've written a long email to my mother telling her my standpoint and describing her how I feel and think she should push forward. I'll be sure to update you with progress.

I would like to mention, however, that my father doesn't drink to cope with life. He began drinking at the age of 8; my grandfather was an alcoholic. Drinking is a part of my dad's life, and he just overdoes it on the weekends and indulges heavily. I could have been more specific when I intially wrote the thread topic, but I was so damn tired.

Some interesting things to consider...

1. My mother and I have NEVER had a conversation as remotely intimate as this one. We don't normally have normal conversations. I don't need to get past her defenses because she's already stated that she trusts and values my opinions more than anyone else she knows, because of how mature and insightful I've become.

2. Given the dependnce my mother has on me, I think my role of responsibility is pretty infinite in this situation.

3. Now this one is a lot of food for thought . . .

You deserve credit for being a good daughter and trying to be attentive and caring toward your mom.

But what jumped out at me in your post is the fact that Dad drinks heavily, began at the age of 8, was the child of an alcoholic, and criticizes your mother because she does not drink.

I am a former alcoholism counselor who is now a journalist. I haven't had a drink in 20 years. I began to drink when I was 13 and stopped when I was 28. My parents were both alcoholics, and I consider myself to be in recovery from my own drinking, and the chaos that their drinking produced in my childhood.

You should know that the child of an alcoholic is 50% more likely than the child of a social drinker to be an alcoholic. You should also understand that anyone who began drinking at the age of 8, like your dad, or 13, like me, is likely to abuse alcohol and, eventually, become an alcoholic.

It's really tempting to think that your Dad's drinking is normal because he doesn't use it to cope with life. But honestly, it doesn't matter what the reason is for his drinking, or whether he has any reason at all. The point is he drinks too much. It seems to me that the elephant in the living room is that it is highly likely that he is an alcoholic, and your mom is reacting quite naturally to the fact that your Dad is the one with another relationship in his life -- the one he has with alcohol -- to the point that he resents your mom for not joining him in his "relationship." Who wouldn't develop an attraction to someone else?

I would explore the ramifications of your Dad's drinking with your mom, and see if there is anything she wants to do about it -- whether that includes intervening in his drinking, which is quite intimidating and would require some help, or going to al-anon herself.

You're wonderful to put so much time into helping your Mom. Good luck to both of you.

mojo

mojo is "on the mark." Your father already has a "relationship" and I notice that you are not concerned about that, but you are concerned that your mother has found a relationship that makes her feel some happiness, more youthful, and giddy. Personally, I think your mom has invested enough of her life into the drunk, needs to divorce (if she can financially afford to do so), and get on with her life. Her years are getting fewer and she should not be encouraged to waste any more of them.

I am not alone. However, my situation has gotten progressively worse in the last few years. Your story is so familiar to me, I cannot explain. I tried to talk to her about the situation, which only led to hurt feelings and harsh words. I could not understand the tranformation, from one person to another.

My mother has since married the much younger, abusive man that is not faithful to her. I have been dealing with this situation for 7 years now. My mother was 40 years old when this all began. Due to my protection of her and outspoken opinion of him, I have not seen her in 8 months. I am terribly distraught about this.

I am pregnant with my first child, and I do not have her to share this with. We have always been so close and have shared everything over the years. I have tried to mend the fences, but nothing I do matters. She has three children including myself and each one of us have reached out to her without any response. She has made the comment that her children did not need her anymore, so she was not tied to us. We were never treated like a burden as children, but quit the opposite.

My case is extreme, I know. I have several factors going on as well, however this all started when she confided in me about her "infatuation". It has only snowballed since then.

For the above remark, you obviously have not dealt with a situation of any kind similiar to this.

I hope that your situation does not progress as mine did. I would not wish this on anyone. I have never felt so hopeless about any situation in my life.

Hi Vannie,
I'm the poster child for your mother. I was married to a man who had taken his first drink early in life. Because he was my third husband (I had my own issues), I worked really hard to make it work. I looked outside for emotional support, frequently thought I was in love with other people, but stuck with the marriage for a very long time because of the commitment. Alcholism and drug abuse is the number one reason that women are leaving marriages once their children are grown. There comes a point where you just can't stand it any more.

If I had a daughter (I had sons, one of which was an addict, but that's a whole 'nother story), what would I want from her? I would want her to love me, accept me, and perhaps be a sounding board, although I think that that is inappropriate. I would not want her to try to tell me what to do (that would bring up fierce resistance). I would also want her to take care of herself.

I agree with Mojo -- your dad sounds more like an alcoholic than a heavy drinker. Consider going to Al-Anon or reading some texts about being a co-dependent -- Beattie's "Co-dependent No More" is a classic. You are being put in that role by both of your parents.

Ultimately, it's their issue, not yours. Your mother might stay, might go, might make another wrong decision, or might smart enough to do some work on herself. How you act and what you do provides an interesting example for them. Children often have lots to teach us.

For example, my addict son finally got clean and sober at the age of 19. About a year ago, his dad followed his example at the age of 63.

Take care of yourself.
In spirit,
Casey
www.WiseWomanShining.com