Does Menopause Cause Many Women To Initiate A Divorce?

Thank you for your review of this book. Could this be a "reason" for it all??? All this confusion and the "I care more about me" syndrome????

Could be an explanation for why we women are being so self-centered during this time in our life.

I will have to pick up a copy of this book even if just for curiousity's sake.

Thanks for your review.

My wife of 32 years appeared happy, I was never abusive, and out of nowhere, she almost gleefully shoved divorce papers in my face. It took me a while to realize the person who did that is not the woman I married. I have no idea who this person is - other than to say - she only cares about herself now. No one matters - just her. I have never seen such a selfish, uncaring, person. Witnessing this in someone you love (loved?) is painful, and must be what the families of alzerheimers patients experience. Where did my wife go? It's as if she died. I will mourn the loss forever.

It's mind boggling isn't it? The one person you thought you knew as well as yourself can suddenly turn into a total stranger. A very cruel stranger. I would never have imagined my husband could have said and did the things he did before he left. I suppose they have to disassociate the things they are doing.

My husband died to me also on the day he told me he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to live with me anymore.

It's been eight months for me and I still have days when I shake my head and wonder when I'm going to wake up from this bad dream.

My husband is saying that I am going through this at the menopause. But what he fails to remember is that he has always been, and always will be a selfish person. He was spoilt rotten as an only child and his mother hangs on his every word. She is constantly feeling let down by him but grateful for any attention he might give her. He is a person that thinks nothing of reading for hours on end and ignoring the rest of his family. He constantly reaffirms to me that his wants and needs are paramount, not just above mine but his daughter's too. I was aware of this at the outset of our marriage and have said on more than one occasion that I've had it but he always comes back in tears and I felt sorry for him because I reasoned it wasn't his fault, it was his parents fault for spoiling him. But guess what suddenly he's having a mid life crisis and wants out because I have become too demanding apparently. We have fought and fought over his selfish, tactless and rude ways for more than 15 years. I have had enough but this time he's not begging and pleading. Bring it on I say. I won't have to worry about how to break it this time, its down to him.

Horray for Mother Nature and her brilliant hormonal reprieve called 'Menopause'. Any woman who hasn't been treated like a goddess by her husband/significant other by then, ought to selfishly move on with her independence and live happily ever after. I have endured a fifteen year relationship, bore twins, worked full time, completed my Masters degree, only to be living with a substance abusing, verbally/emotionally abusive man who never shared household chores...I am done, the night sweats that woke me up, really woke me up, to the reality of the miserable coupling occurring in my life. It's too short, I have lots to make up for!

Firstly, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Going to school for your Master's degree seems to indicate that you are the kind of person who strives for more; the kind who brings actual value to a relationship. But let me explain MY reason for my so-called male mid-life "crisis". I have been married for 14 years to a woman with two step-daughters. They were 9 & 5 when we married. This woman was also in the early stages of beginning to think about leaving HER abusive husband. He was a real shit. And if I do say so myself, I was (and am) a terrific guy. Loving, caring, nuturing. I would do anything for those I love. But I (like you) have MY limits. In many ways, I 'saved' her, by giving her someone to be with to help leave her marriage. That is very tough to quantify, so I don't talk about that much, but it IS true. I helped raise the daughters, protected them, provided for them. I have been dad, psychologist, friend and counselor more times than I could even count, and willingly so. And what you might ask have I collected in return? Constant reminders (both verbal and non) that I am NOT their real father, ridicule, criticism, and mockery. All of this mind you was always attributed to their being "kids. you know how kids are". This was bad enough, but after a while, the wife started siding with the kids at every turn. Jump ahead now to present day. The oldest daughter just got engaged to a medic/soldier who asked only my wife for permission to marry the daughter. Now a medical person does not overlook deatils. A soldier does not overlook details. Please don't try to convince me that a medic/soldier overlooked the detail of asking me. And while you are thinking that one over, also consider the fact that when my wife became aware that she was going to be asked by him, she did nothing along the lines of attmpting to include me. IMHO, the wife/daugther basically intimated to the boy that he needn't bother asking me. And next, I will bet you dollars to donughts that the kid will want me to 'walk her down the isle'. Really? Walk yourself down the isle, or better yet, ask your "real father" to do it. So you want to talk about BEING DONE with someone? I hear you sister. I am DONE, DONE, DONE. Now can anyone tell me how I go about getting my 14 years back? No? I didn't think so.

I've been loathe to think about it but my menopause is on its way in.

I'm getting whiskers and my husband noticed it. Now I think what I'm supposed to do is make a new religion out of waxing my face. But my changing mind dictates something else altogether. I think I might let 'em grow.

I'm starting to realize that taking care of people, which used to feel fulfilling, is now not only unnecessary but unappreciated.

I read of men who have treated their wives like queens, only to be thrown away. I don't know what to say about that. I have no answer. And...that's a symptom of a changed mentality. Once I'd have tried to say something comforting.

This new brain is more critical, more willing to take the measure of things and not give where giving is unwarranted--including with myself. I'm growing facial hair. I'm fat. I'm sagging. I've been so lazy all my life, and now I'm starting to realize that getting anywhere at all is going to take focus and daily action. I might not be able to find things that make me feel good like I used to, and yet I must forge ahead nonetheless.

Now the challenge will be this: Do I want to "throw off the shackles" and set out alone, or stay here and be with the man a 24 year old girl once promised to stay with for the rest of her life? Someone remind me what's so great about that again? I've forgotten. I'm not leaving, but I'm going to need to dig up some good reasons.

I just don't feel like the young lady I used to be. She's dead. I'm a grownup now. I have to stop apologizing. I feel like going out and killing something or someone.

The question is, where do I want to be within myself? I think perhaps the killing I must make should really take the form of a creative success, not a husband. But he better watch out the way he dismisses things because in this mood I'm feeling the need to get rid of distractions and detractors.

This talk is so very self-centered, and I'd like to stop that sort of mind set. I'd like to turn outward and focus on work that is worthwhile. If that can happen, I'd consider it a victory.

Lisa - you are probably looking for responses from women on this, but I'll give you my 2 cents anyway. I don't know the exact saying, but it goes something like this: "anyone who holds to a belief previously stated when circimstances change, is a fool". Something like that. Meaning if your future ex was basically the same man as when you were 24, you wouldn't be asking these questions. So I think your inclination here is right. I also read recently a famous actor who said something like 'the concept of spending your life with someone is really flase. Good solid, caring relationships probably have about a 10-15 year lifespan. Because people change, and you can give alot of love in 10 years'. That is where I am at now. I want a caring relationship where one person is 'thrilled' by the other and can't wait to see them everyday. I am good enough to have that again, and I will. It is proably naive to think that, but that's me.

I bet you are half expecting this but here it comes anyway. Correct me if I am wrong.

I assume from what you have written that you had an affair with your then wife-to-be. This will never appear to anyone and especially not to the children as 'saving' anybody. A divorce caused by my wife's affair is happening to me at the moment and my children will view the adulterer as someone who is breaking up their family. There can never be an excuse for adultery. If the marriage is that bad then just leave. How bad could it have been if a person could not leave without having an affair - but again and again we hear of it. Then the emotively charged word 'abusive' gets flung about without any supporting background information and normally only comes from the partner wanting to divorce. Of course it is sometimes true but I doubt if it as common as the affairs are. Don't forget that sometimes men get abused physically and emotionally by their wives.

Yes, each situation is subtly different but let us not kid ourselves that we behave so differently from everybody else.

You were on borrowed time. The wife and children would accept you for a while (even years) as an inevitable part of the situation but all that ammunition (the cause of the breakup) sat there waiting to be used once they got tired of you. Even if the father was bad, the children will have forgiven a lot over the years.

I feel sorry for you but you must have known what you were getting into. I hope that my 'replacement' who is 'saving' my wife knows (he should do - he is already divorced and does not see his own children) and yes, I do hope that my children reject him - how could I not feel that way?

If she manages to shove you out the door then expect to be labelled 'abusive' or something similar - she will not tell friends that she chucked you out because they were just bored/she had an affair etc.

Why are you surprised that they turned against you? They turned against your predecessor.

Please don't do it again.

Well, you are right in alot of what you say, but I can tell you for sure that it was only about 1 month from the time we started dating to the time she left him; and went to live with her father. But yes she SHOULD have left first. And something like that I will not be part of again. I am sorry for your situation and I will grant you this: the abusive relationship I speak of I only know through her accounts. I have no first hand evidence of it. Interesting, when I think of like that. Typically, I think it is easier for people to leave when they have someone to leave for, and THAT is why I say she proably would not have left had it not been for me (or someone else??). Because you are right, why DIDN'T she leave even years before that? I don't know but I'm starting to figure it out. And maybe this 'turning' on me I have coming to me for being a part of this. That may well be; in which case, I will take my medicine. But I do not see another set of stepkids in my future, thats for damn sure. Because their rejecting of - as you say - maybe I should have expected. But I would have liked to see it before I dumped tens of thousands of my dollars and hours into their lives; while truly beleiving that I was 'helping' all concerned. Well, live and learn I guess.

"The Female Brain" is on the top of my reading list at my Women In MLC bookstore. It is a MUST read for both women and men. Most of what is going on in a women at mid-life has to do with the chemical changes that is occuring in her body...it is hormonal and the brain has the control over this. If you haven't read this book...you must. Equipping yourself with all the knowledge tht you can on all aspects of mid-life change will serve you well, whether you are the person who is going through it or you are the bystander. Go get this book!!!

Women in MLC: www.womeninmlc.lefora.com

Thanks for considering what I said and for responding. It is interesting to get the other side of the story. It helps me put things in perspective. I wish I could show it to my wife!

I wish you well and it really does seem that you were doing what you thought was the right thing. It sounds as if you gave it everything you could as well.

This is an excellent book. Irecomend it to anyone who wants to understand women better.

Sadly my wife of 27 years is having an emotional affair with a co-worker and she wants it to expand. She says she still loves me and doesn't want to leave me but she won't give him up either. I can't leave my children and home but my heart is broken. She holds all the cards, I have to let her do what she wants or she will be resentful and that's no marraige. On the other hand if I give her the permission she wants and they have sex, either it's bad sex, she's crushed and remorseful and I have to pick up the peices or they have great sex then she wants more and leaves me. She has never acted like this before. I know in my heart that she would never hurt me like this on purpose so she must be out of control. Should I take a stand against this or just be cool and let it run its course?

I've gone through the same thing. The woman I married left her body and it was taken over by someone or something with which I have almost no connection. At a time in life when I had always presumed our relationship would become softer and more spiritual it became almost overnight less than even a good friendship! She won't say it but it's almost obvious she would prefer I just get my stuff together and go away, and don't even bother with the goodbye's! Any interest in intimacy is now gone, replaced by an "I could care less" attitude about the whole relationship. I was prepared for some changes, I'm a well educated and caring person who thought my understanding would help her through her menopause, but she changed so completely it's like dealing with a stranger. I suspect (but can't prove) she may have even had an affair of some kind. Sad to have to deal with this kind of thing in my so called "golden years".

Yes, being 46 and unleashing myself on the dating scene was not what I had planned. My X wife is a completely different person - fairly self absorbed - only interested in work and her new boyfriend and her new life. She seems to be increasingly reliant on him, and cuts more and more of her old life away. I survive now by relying heavily on my faith, friends, activities and with the knowledge that although what we had was more special than most married couples will ever have, it is gone and will fade greatly in the next 2,3,4,5 years.

I fear I have trust issues - time will tell there. I have normalized relations with her now - decided to take my life back and show her that I am great - looking good, having fun, can be her cordial friend, meet with her and plan the future of our children.

It is hard not to imagine that God has played a cruel joke on a guy (me) who was as faithful as a dog, took care of himself, did special things for her, built a family and home with her, volunteered and coached the kids, loved her family - yeah, thanks - all gone now.

But I have faith in God - always have. God has gotten me here - which is a site better than I was a year ago. He is stressing me to make positive changes in my life and use this opportunity to have something special as I age.

I do appreciate a sunset, a funny t.v. show, and a chat with a co-worker more than ever now. Don't know why, I just do.

But I miss that woman. The special times. Her family, our family. 29 super years together. Sometimes...I wonder how she feels about us and our past. How did I go from her lover and best friend, to her enemy and the person who was the cause of her profound unhappiness?

Oh well - we have no choice but to pick up the pieces and move on. Church tonight. I will be saying prayers for all the men and women who are struggling with this "place" we are in where we are forced to really, really examine our lives - either as someone who was left, or someone (like Lisa) who is searching for answers and meaning.

I am fortunate to have found this place.

iamsingle

This is tough love for you . . .

You asked: "Should I take a stand against this or just be cool and let it run its course?"

1st - Get a hold of yourself, put in your backbone (or buy one at Walmart if you don't have one) and stand up! - - - - - You said "I have to let her do what she wants or she will be resentful and that's no marraige."

2nd - Like it's a marriage right now? You are enabling her bad, destructive behavior. Keep lying down like the carpet you've been and she walk over you until you are worn out. Then she'll pull you up and toss you out. - - - - - You said "If I give her the permission she wants and they have sex . . ."

3rd - I am confused. Do you really think that you are in charge here and she needs permission from you? What you really mean to ask is whether it is worth the risk to inform her that you want her to make a damn cuckold out of you in hopes that she'll see the real rooster is back in the coop? Not hardly.

Here is my prescription (Rx) for you. Go out every weekend for the next month with the guys and play poker. Learn to read people, learn to bluff them, learn to call their hands when they are trying to bluff you, learn to lose, learn to win and draw. This will start to re-wire your brain and help you think with the head connected to your neck above your shoulders.

Whatever you do, don't cheat on the person the law recognizes as your current spouse.

Then, start taking real steps to end this thing you think is a marriage. Go see a lawyer for advice on whether your jurisdiction (mine does) has any penalties for a cheating spouse when it comes to support, etc. Ask what steps you need to take to get out of this the be$t way you can, and start immediately.

Then go back to the woman who is mentally jerking you, call her hand, then tell her she is playing at the wrong casino. Show her you are holding a straight right out the door.

Give us posts about your progress. Man-to-man, I really am worried about you. Good luck.

-

I am done, the night sweats that woke me up, really woke me up" What woke you up lady are the hormones not you lady... all those wasted years... you did not have the courage to go and don't you attribute this to you... it s a coward act period go to counseling instead....

I was kind, shared chores, but could never get my wife to talk about how menopause affected the marriage and one day she wants out...

My wife of 35 years has a health problems list. She has been lying to me about her whereabouts at certain times. Just recently, I trusted my instinct to investigate, only to find her someplace where she shouldn't have been. When I confronted her she went into orbit and claimed I now don't trust her. WOW, mood swings, anger issues, hateful comments, this is definitely not the angel I married. She says stuff to me that I would never even dream of saying to her. But, I dismiss it because I realize she is changing. Truthfully, reading the comments here, I guess I should be preparing for her eventual departure. She can't even force herself to show any sign of intimacy. I give up, is it like this with most women at "change of life" time?

I have been married for 22 years. Six years ago my marriage got very strained. It coincided with my wife beginning menopause at the same time I was experiencing andropause. Blood work confirmed that my testosterone levels had dropped significantly and I felt grumpy and tired all the time.

My wife and I had discussed divorce at that time. We both still loved each other but we were not getting along. In October of 2007 I began HRT/Testosterone therapy AND moved out. I continued to financial support my family and the plan was to put some distance between the two of us to see how we felt. Within a few months I had an extreme change in physical and mental experiences. My desire for my wife returned as did my emotional and physical energy capacity. I reconnected with the deep desire I had for my wife and worked for 18 months to reconcile.

My wife on the other hand remained hormonally reduced. She was not able to reconnect with here desire for me and her feeling of wanting a new life was stronger. We have three children and one is still young at 11 years old.

While she still claims to love me and that I am the big love of her life, she has banned together with eight other divorced women who all coincidentally left their husbands as well. After reading a book titled "Why Does He Do That" by an unaccredited Lundy Bancroft she has deemed that I am emotionally abusive. I read the book myself and she also qualifies for the majority of descriptions detailed in the book as abusive, yet she will not give me any fair chance. If I attempt to defend my position she tells me "Lundy said you would say that and this just proves you're abusive". If I ask her to show me some affection she tells me that "Lundy said this is just a way for me to control me". My desire and love have been turned to something sinister and evil.

My divorce will be final in about 3 months with all the working out of details. All my wife is interested in is me financing her new life. I have been reduced to a paycheck.

For 22 years I was not a substance abuser nor alcoholic. I did not put hands on my wife or EVER threaten to use physical force with her. I brought my paychecks home and put no money aside for myslef. In fact I didn't even have a check book or ATM card for OUR accounts for over 80% of our marriage. I got up with my children EVERY morning for over 13 years and prepared their breakfast and lunch and drove them to school while my wife slept in - and ENJOYED it! I drove my children to ice skating, hockey, ballet, functions, friends, participated as room dad, chaperon for school events and every other thing that is typically considered a MOM's duty.

I washed floors, cleaned bathrooms, cooked diners, cared for infants and many other things that father's may not typically do.

I never cheated, nor did I ever EVEN want anyone else. In fact I, till this day, can't even fantasize about anyone other than my wife. She is the last thing I think of as I drift off and the first thing I think of when I awake - and its always been this way.

I never stopped her from being with friends and was never jealous of her attention to others. I did not attempt to control her AND supported her every desire that I could.

And now I have become the disposable one in the relationship - kicked to the curb with little or no redemption available as she pursues her better life.

I host a syndicated talk radio show and my star is rising yet I can not enjoy any of it without the love and approval of my wife. I have never felt such pain and emptiness and don't think I will ever get over this. I always imagined the end of my life, holding my wife's hand.

My family is shattered and my wife feels that "she finally has a life" as she has told my 11 year old daughter.

I feel vanquished.

I wish I had more time. My experience is similar in parts. Wife read a book that pushed her to want Divorce; her social circle reinforced the "grass was greener". I said have a good time out I'll take care of things here; I work, put $ in the ATM, household chores, etc. Make her happy? Probably a mistake - thought I was making her happy, but upon reflection, she expected it but did not value it. Guess I did the wrong things thinking it would make her happy. It didn't. I should have asked instead.

Also, who are some of these authors: even normal disagreements = verbal + emotional abuse (notice always by husband). Such low, biased standards for "abuse" undermines society's understanding of real abuse.

Keep working on your career, it is yours now, it will carry you thru tough times and eventually you'll reap the benefits w/o her. Like your cooking, cleaning, household efforts, you want to share the radio gig success w/ her, give it all to her, make her happy, have her appreciate you (?). Reality seems different now. Watch John Wayne in "McClintock", where he finally agrees to give his wife (Maureen O'Hara) the divorce she wants b/c she is making him so damn miserable. Only then does he become happy (and she woke up to what she was going to lose). (Besides, he got to spank her with a hand shovel before she came to her senses,...definitely not allowed in today's society.) Good luck! Keep us posted; I hope to hear your successful radio show about MLC someday. Maybe we'll all call in.

- Big Dog On Little Porch

you know what,im sry im gonna be blunt!!! you selfish cunt!he loved&cherrishered your every move but you were to endulged in your self that you didnt even try to see that!!!he loved you&prob. always will,you cunts need to stop using your "mid life changes" to your advantage!!we have hearts you will never even be able to concieve!!!when men love we love 4 ever.just try to think of some bitch doing this to your son!!!!get over your egotistical ass&care for someone else besides your self,CUNT!!!!!

you know buddy,i feel you,i had the love of my life,sry we couldnt have children together,but i love her just like u do your x!!!she .im going thru this as we speak,called the police&got me arrested 4 domestic!!!when she attaced me.yet i still cant hate her,i still love her w/all my heart.im stranded in the rual woods of michigan&shes driving my truck.im scared to fight back cause i dont want to make her mad!!im facing 4yrs in prison 4 this,shes running all over w/my truck i paid cash 4&i dont want to hurt her???????WHAT THE [] IS WRONG W/US?????im sick of women useing this menapause 4 excusses!!so what?r we as men supposta set our lifes in trac just to wait till this comes along&expect the end 2b there&just say......"well shes happy now""i knew this was comming!!i guess thats just the way life was intended???[] THAT these women need to start paying 4 what they do,we go to stand up,together,&stop taking this []!!!!!!lets start a group&see what they think!

Editor's Note: This comment was edited because of violations of our terms of service. We loathe to edit comments and request that all posters watch their language.

I've posted here a few times about my doubts about the wisdom of permanent marriage in youth (teens to mid-20's) because many young people aren't ready for it yet. IMHO, marriage is an invention of the state and the church to keep society stable for their own purposes. I'm honestly beginning to think "term contract marriage" might be a good thing for many people. Our oldest daughter and two young grand kids are going through divorce from an alcoholic right now after about 5 years.

From what I'm seeing in this thread, many of us recognize that we all change throughout our lives, both physically and mentally. The man or woman you married is not the same person a decade or two later. It may not even take a decade. Ideally, a couple should change and grow together. Obviously, that's not universal. Couples diverge as well as converge.

As we age, we lose hair and/or grow it in different (sometimes unwanted) places. We wrinkle, bellies and breasts sag, stamina wanes, eyes weaken, hormone levels shift. That's just how it goes. We can fight it (and we should), but we go into battle knowing we will lose eventually. We may not admit it openly (or even to ourselves), but we know we must lose. We should seek to age with grace, not end up looking as ridiculous as a 50 year old dressing and acting half his/her age. We need to concede territory to ageing when it is no longer defensible.

Lisa, et.al: There's no shame in keeping up our personal appearance. I think we should do so for our partner's sake, if not for our own. Why would you want to let your appearance go? If a little tweezing, waxing or shaving is needed, why not do it? Do it for yourself, if for no one else. Note: I'm a guy and I do it. Who needs gray hair sticking out of his ears? ;-)

(Side note: I'm a step-child. My mom died in her 40's and my dad remarried. Most of what Anon experienced is common in "blended families." There's always friction - but that's no reason to be callous and cold towards the step-parent, either.)

MLC is rough. No one can minimize that. It shouldn't be used as an excuse to crush your partner, though. That's revenge, not MLC. It solves nothing and just makes your MLC worse.

No one expects you to become a doormat to your MLC spouse, either. You don't need to enable their bad behavior, but you don't need to be cruel. Defend yourself, but don't use "scorched earth" tactics unless you're positive you want to burn all the bridges. Leave openings for peacemaking. Find a balance and use patience. Try to at least be civil.

"I'm starting to realize that taking care of people, which used to feel fulfilling, is now not only unnecessary but unappreciated." By some, certainly. Not by all. Lisa, do you think your kids don't appreciate you?

"I just don't feel like the young lady I used to be. She's dead. I'm a grownup now. I have to stop apologizing. I feel like going out and killing something or someone."

Yes, you've changed. We all have. The past is indeed dead. There's no magical, time-travelling DeLorean to take us back to our teens so we can have a "do over." We need to learn to apologize where we need to, defend ourselves when we have to, and know the difference between the two. I share your anger, Lisa. I think most in MLC will agree, no matter if they are the partner in it or married to the partner in it. But, you know what? John Lennon was right.

"Huh?" everyone says at this point. :-) He said, Life is what happens while we're making plans."

We assume we have perfect control of our lives: we don't. At best, we have imperfect control. At worst, none at all. Most of us range somewhere in the middle. We all bought into the glorious "happy forever after" dream of marriage and love that our society peddles. I did. (Peddles? Damn right. The wedding industry is a multi-billion dollar, global industry.)

But you know what? We don't get to live "happily forever after." Life doesn't allow it. We don't even get to live unhappily forever after. We get to die, sooner or later. All of us.

"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)

my wife got hold of that book to try and understand our communication problems, and guess what? the book tells her that she's perfect and that i'm the one with the problem. now everything in our relationship was viewed through the narrow lens of "abusive or nonabusive." they say abuse is all about control....well it's amazing how much control she had over me by analyzing my behavior through this book. i couldn't do anything right in her eyes because i was simply emotionally abusing her and i was the one with the problem.

almost everythign i did was the opposite of controlling. my wife was extremely clingy and dependent on me for everything, including her emotional well-being. her life revolved around me by her choice. i would sit down to read, she would sit down to read. she would want to go to bed, i'd want to stay up and watch tv....whoa! big problem because i was ignoring her (according to her). every little thing i did....any stress at work i complained about...she would take personally. anytime her feelings were hurt, it was my fault. therefore, because i "made" her feel bad, i'm an abuser. she has self-esteem issues....and i have my own issues as well. human behavior and relationships are a lot more complex than the black and white perspective of "abusive or not."

that book gave her a lot of the motivation to leave, i think. even when she left, i didn't try to control or manipulate or respond with anger. i tried to get her to LET GO of her emotional dependence on me, because that was too suffocating for me. i encourged her to get out of the house, get some friends, go dancing, do things without me...i wanted her to be independent and confident without me.

now she's gone to the other extreme! wants to divorce me--out of her life completely. after less than 2 years. she went to live with her mom in canada and wrote me a letter stating that she wasn't happy with me and wants a divorce! she cut off her cell phone and won't even talk to me about anything. it was devistating...she became a totally different person.

i'm feeling for you believe me! i've been like a ghost for the last five weeks, like i'm not even human anymore. wish i had soemthign to say that would comfort you, but i don't. it sucks...you can't understand what the heck they are thinking or why they would draw such a conclusion! if your wife is like my wife at all, she's completely self-centered and just going with her emotions right now. try to handle yourself with complete dignity and resolve right now....wish her happiness and let her know you'll always love her, even in separation. then focus on yourself-take care of yourself. get out of the house, plan out your days. exercise, eat right, reconnect with your male friends nad make new ones. talk to others about it. cry when you feel like. call your friends when you feel like you're losing it. hopefully our wives will see things differently in a little while....just gotta give them space and let them see that you can be happy without them.

if you cry in front of your wife, the book will just say that you're trying to manipulate her. if you tell her anything, the book will say not to believe you. there's nothing you can do if that book has her brainwashed. i'm just hoping and praying that my wife can put that book and the labels aside for a minute and just look into her own experience of me and our relationship. i hope the same for you...it's the only hope.

When I read the posts from men here about their wives becoming heartless strangers I can only believe that their wives are just finally tired of their demanding, childish BS. I know I am. I am 52 years old, married for 19 years to a bad tempered, spoiled man who I have had to financially support for most of our marriage. From reading about this book I can relate because he complains about my attitude all the time and blames it on menopause. Thank you mother nature for shutting off the doormat hormones but too bad it doesn't happen earlier. I am just sick of his blaming, complaining, demanding, etc. and he will never get it. I would divorce him in a second but we are somewhat poor and our home is paid for. If we split it all up we both couldn't afford to start over. I want to retire in 4 years and cannot afford another mortgage so I am stuck here. I don't have a college degree so changing jobs is not going to happen. I feel like giving seminars to young women on why not to marry.

You married him, why? If he was like this from day 1, then you made the mistake b/c you should have known better at age 31. If you say he was not like that when you first married him, then you have a lot in common with many men on this blog. Did you ever try to fix these things "with him" of which you complain now?

But you are like many men here - you are the primary means of financial support- if you separated/divorced him, you'd most likely make support payments! But unlike many men here, they are not thinking of leaving; no their non-$upporting wives left them and worse, want him to wake up every morning, go to work and pay for year$ to her who made the decision to be free of him! Fair? If your husband did this to you, how would you feel?

Fair seems that (in the absence of abuse, violence, or an adulterous $upporting spouse) the dependent spouse who walks becomes primarily responsible for him or herself. In the absence of the same bad factors, a $upporting spouse who walks away from a dependent spouse, then he/she should be obligated to pay the dependent spouse's support.

But that is not the way it works. Most supporting spouses are men, and if their woman decides to walk she gets paid; if he decides to walk, she still gets paid. While I have great respect women who dedicate their lives to raising children, the way that the law is applied today in "no fault" divorce gives a man with a working ex-wife a financial "advantage" when she decides to walk away from it all.

I will give you credit. You would be a good catch for many men - you work, you look at your problem and its potential financial impact on your $ituation and goal$, and you seem to be a person who values commitment - 19 years (though it is battered now). If you can honestly say you tried to get real intervention to help save your marriage but to no avail, I'd be sympathetic to the trap you are in. My wife is just walking away, gives no chance to work our marriage out, b/c in her words and in her head she believes...

- "I'm The Entire Reason For a Failed Marriage, It was a 20+ year mistake"

Good luck.

In the last four years, I have watched my sister check out and disconnect with family, husband and etc. It started with boobs, new teeth and I guess menopause. She has now announced she wants a divorce after 30 years. I have gone through menopause myself and I don't think you can blame everything on menopause, frankly. She has become self absorbed, partying with girls half her age, texts and talks on the phone like a teenager. Her two grown girls have noticed, and told her when she announced this big life change from a man who has done nothing but cater to her during this "phase" of hers that she was selfish and and dumped every responsiblity on their dad who was trying to keep this all together. She no longer does anthing in the house. She does work, but could care less about anything other than her friends and social life. When she is around these friends and out with them, she doesn't seem like the same person I was with one hour earlier. (One night is all I could stand) We used to be very close and she has become distant. She is my sister and I want to support her, but this behavior is bazar to me. I am so disappointed in her and feel like I have lost who she used to be along with everyone else watching her destructive behavior. Maybe there is another guy, we don't know at this point, but none of us would be surprised. She dresses like she is 20, consumed with her looks and just wants to be part of the party scene. I am very disappointed and hurt and I hurt for her family who is watching their mom and wondering who she is. She won't go to counseling to save her marriage, so she is out the door searching for "something". I personally think she has just lost it and doesn't care what anyone thinks, or that she is acting strange in any way. My decision now is just keep my mouth shut like I have or just tell her what is being observed by everyone around her? Personally, I don't think she cares, but to live her life the way she wants and to hell with the marriage and life as she has know it! Any feedback?

Wow, I strumbled on to this thread while trying to find answers to my wife's distructive behavior. Why is it distructive. We have a 11 year old and a 15 year old who need love and guidance, not negative assumptions, combative communication, and attacks on their "other Parent". There are more than two explainations possible for this behavior. Either hormones in a woman body help her live a lie and all men are asses. Or A woman role as define by society is a suffacating lie. These are two extreme points of view that I do not endorse. What is the answer? Is it liberating for a woman to be free of Motherly hormones? What about the family contract that she and her husband agree on to start a family together. Are women suppose to put up with abusive relationships, I say of course not. Why is it justified for a woman to follow her hormonal path to the distruction of the family? Men who have been faithful for years know how to not follow their hormones to the distruction of their families. Are women so imprisioned in their lives that the lose of estrogen justifies breaking the hearts of their husbands? I really have none of these answers and I was raised by a divorce mom and three older sisters for the first 8 years of my life. I can claim a better understanding than most men. But what the hell? I'm watching my wife go crazy, I have never asked to be waited on, have always cooked and raised kids when my wife on call for work. What credit do I get for years of devotion and love, zero. What is it called when you get a husband to start a family with, a loving father to the kids, years of sacrifice and energy, someone who adores and loves you, and when the estrogen is gone they leave. I would call that using someone. Treating someone as a means to an end, and then discarding, trashing and distructing them when you don't want it anymore. That is self indulgent, non compassionate and harmful to everyone involved. Don't start a family in later years , because the hormones may run out before the kids leave the nest.

I can only speak from my own experience as to why I want to leave my master, but perhaps if some of these men were honest they would realize what they are saying is not all there is to "the story." My husband too provided. He also helped out around the house, like a teenager (abiet the same five chores with no variance, NOT to include any maintenence or repair, I did all of that). You know feed the dog, take out the trash, occassionally do a load of laundry,.

He used his two jobs and travels to fit in all sorts of negative socializing, mostly drinking that I am aware of, though I am sure there is more as he likes his secrets. On the weekends, it was HIS entitlement to do whatever he wanted mostly working in the yard, alone because he loved it, an escape from me and all the kids, don't ya know) He insisted on this even though I had mowed and watered and babied it while he was gone . My job was to "take care of everything else". I do mean everything. We had sex before he left for weeks at a time, or left every weekend and sex when he returned. That too was a chore he assigned himself to mark off his list. Unemotional and frequently without speaking to me for days.

On the few, very rare days he had off and was home we watched HIM enjoy himself working in the yard. While I did the rest of all the stuff to keep home and family. He "barely" had one day a month for family.....and HE chose to spend that on HIS entitlements, since HE worked so hard. Of course that meant everything else was my responsibility, just like when he was gone.

I found I could not work outside the home early on due to the cost of childcare for the off hours when he could not "support" my working. Though I had a good job with good pay I gave it up to raise our first child, have worked some in and out of the home for pay at various times. He hated the inconvience and complained of higher tax brackets till I became a "stay at home" still I made items to sell from the home to help off set the costs. He traveled constantly,worked late every night on his other "job". . The only household job that he decided he would be "responsible" for was bill paying. I was constantly being "dinged" by collection calls, while trying to raise the girls, due to him being "too busy" doing crosswords, working in the yard (he loved it), playing solitare on the computer, reading and such in his "entitled to" time off to bother to pay them on time. He just lied to me they were paid or gave me the mortgage money to buy groceries with then paid late, and usually didn't bother to even tell me this was what was happening. He managed his "responsibilities" with frequennt lies of all sorts.

Usually playing both ends against the middle, never telling me the truth about what was going on, and setting me up to fail. Frequently he lied about what we had or didn't, and could never be bothered to discuss finances. I never knew just what he got on a paycheck, or when it was coming. He didn't think it was "my business'. Often he got quite defensive about giving me an emergency number to reach him, and was reluctant to come home when one of our children got lost in the woods, while spending a night with friends.

Got angry at me for calling him at work, and came home the usual time anyway. I died a million deaths that day. He found the whole incident funny and no big deal as she was found wasn't she?

I was always handed a checkbook with a negative balance after bills, while his checkbook for HIS account in a bank I couldn't access at all got the money he claimed he was gone all the time to earn for us. I had no cash, no ccards, and if I chose to could write hot checks to cover the needs. He frequently called me on the carpet, in front of our children to chastize me about my spending, or as he put it "putting us in the hole." He would never look at the reciepts or other proof that it went to the household including his clothing, and underwear and food, and such, as he refused to write a check or pay or get anything, but his own person shaving cream, tobacco, beer, and razors. If we needed to purchase a new applicance I was advised to get a cc in my name (though no income?) and he always had to pee, if in a checkout line and handed me the checkbook, usually with a negative balance. He would sign for nothing, pay for nothing, and made sure my name was on everything requiring payment. He decided all this for me, while telling me how lucky I was, he made so much money. He was never so angry than when he HAD to draw out some of HIS money our of his PRIVATE account, to cover one I wrote (had to) for something on the joint account with the negative balance. I never got a househould allowance but three times in the marriage....just before he retired, and as a result of my requesting a divorice. One of those was used as"seed" money to live on while he kicked ME and my minor child out of our home, due to my "complaining" or asking for change (or else). In short, he short leashed me most of my life, until I just did what was needed money wise and let him worry about how to cover it, after all he was gone all the time working for us, shouldn't us be allowed to utilize it? Guess not, it made him quite angry to spend "his" money on us. He worked non stop, but resented ANY money being spent on the family or home, or recreation for family. He resented being asked to remember he even HAD a family. He began to drink heavily because of what WE were doing to him. He got increasingly mean, abusive, and selfish and more irresponsible, even when he was working "for us", yet resenting their even being an "us" and spending a dime. He did not "work for a living" but lived to work.

For years I worked my ass off at home to repair, make or make do with second hand or nothing new. I raised four children basically alone, and apparently I was entitled to support HIS entitlements. He couldn't be bothered with me, or dicipline and gave our children permission to be abusive to me with physical confrontations, and verbal cuss outs, in order to keep ME in my place of supporting his entitlements. Rarely did he remember an anniversary, birthday, or even give a glance to all I did to support his supporting us. He could not have had the big bucks (he didn't like to share) without my support on the home front.

He retired, and naturally was entitled to NO responibility at home again. Now I was to "understand" he earned the money and so it was his, and if I didn't like it I could get out.

I put locks on a room in our house, collected all the financial info, ccards, and any financial papers, extra keys and such and planned my escape.

I guess my reaching my menopause is why I locked HIM out.............He came back, told me he had a right to live here and do WHATEVER he wanted..........I am not on speaking terms with two of my older children, after he lived with one during the seperation, ( when I kicked his "entitled" ass out,FINALLY, he ran to her (she was still at our home in an apt out back and being supported by us, acting totally obliouvious to his cussing me for the "costs" of things, and though college degreed and employed (but he would not support her moving on and really growing up) so they both were "kicked out of the nest" and chose to live together.

Prior to that this "man" took up living with our other oldest daughter and he stood right there (could hear him in the background) while she cussed me out over and over for telling her Dad to grow up and and if not stay away from me. Through out the seperation and his living with this "allied" child (dren it was my job to send HIM a check to support his entitled ass, even though he was raping our pension fund at the same time without a word to me. )

He expected a welcome mat to our house whenever he chose, and I was banned from the house he was renting. He invited himself for a visit......and took an 800.00 rebate check out of our mailbox and across town to HIS bank I had NO access to. To make matters worse, he lied to all my children, that "mommy won't give me any money", though I could NOT legally access the pensions fund at all. Simply could not do it. In this fund? Well over 500,000. dollars only HE could access.

He took my lifes work of raising our daughters to intelligent, capable, and respectful human beings, and lied about me to them, AND ACTED THE VICTIM, So well they (for their own selfish reasons) believed him.

In short, my attempts to "change the rules" in our marriage resulted in all out WAR on me from a man who had and would stop at nothing, and had the money and means to manipulate me into the worse hell I could imagine. The anger and pain were unbearable.

He too would say, he was abused (meaning I would not take his) and call me ungrateful for "all he did". For himself I say.

Should have left MR. Selfish and pompus years ago. He was money obsessed, a workalcoholic, and manipulative and cruel. Nothing was ever his fault, as he was entitled you see? He did not work for a living he lived to work.

DO any of you see your selves here?

MYT WIFE OF 16 YEARS LEFT ME 10 MONTHS AGO AND SHE SEEMED TO CHANGE ALMOST OVERNIGHT. I THOUGHT THAT WE WERE THE IDEAL COUPLE. THEREV IS MENTAL ILLNESS IN HER FAMILY(HER OLDER SISTER IS BIPLOAR). I'M THINKING MAYBE IT'S MIDLIFE CRISIS, DEPRESSION AND MENOPAUSE ALL ROLLED INTO ONE. TWO HOURS PRIOR TO WALKING OUT, SHE TOLD ME SHE LOVED ME. I'VE HEARD A MYRIAD OF EXCUSES, FROM I THINK I LIKE WOMEN, TO I DON'T KNOW WHY I LEFT. ABOUT A MONTH INTO THIS I FOUND A CELL PHONE BILL WITH OVER ONE HUNDRED CALLS BETWEEN HER AND A MALE CO-WORKER. I'M PRETTY SURE SHE HAD AN AFFAIR. THIS WOMAN IS NOT THE WOMAN I MARRIED. SHE IS UTTERLY SELFISH AND THINKS ONLY OF HERSELF. WE CAN TAKE SOLACE IN THE FACT THAT NOTHING IS WRONG WITH US (THE LEFT BEHIND SPOUSE), BUT THE "LEAVER" HAS ISSUES. IT'S THEIR LOSS.