help

I'm sorry to hear your story.

There are many reasons for infidelity beyond midlife crisis so it's possible that your wife is experiencing an MLC and it's possible that she isn't. First off, I suggest that you read the entire discussion thread of "My wife is having a mid life crisis..." since it contains stories of others with similar stories and suggestions.

Next, read the relevant posts in our Twenty Questions about Midlife Crisis if you haven't already done so.

Third, you seem to be handling this very well but finding out that your wife (and the mother of your children) has been living a lie, has cheating on you, and now wants out of the marriage is all a pretty big shock to say the least. You should consider counseling for yourself whether or not she'll go. It might be very good for you.

Your sons are at a very difficult age for this as well and might benefit from therapeutic support as well.

One idea would be to ask your wife to participate in session with a therapist where the focus of the discussion is your sons so that whatever you work out at home has their best interests in mind. If she loves them (which presumably she does) perhaps that could be something that you both can agree on. Don't use this as a ruse to win her back but it serves several purposes. 1) It gets you both on the same side of an important issue; 2) It gets you in front of a professional family counselor; and 3) It beats begging.

These are just my thoughts based on the experiences I've read from others so you'll have to decide your own path and what's best for your kids.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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I am a woman who experienced the same thing your wife went through. Feeling unsatisifed with my life for no good reason. I ended up having an affair and when caught didn't admit it. Of course we couldn't deal with it as I denied it. After a couple of months, my husband pretty much forced me to leave. I got an apt and had a relationship over that period with a younger man and although we cared for each other very much, he was looking for marriage and children and I knew it had to end. In the mean time, my husband filed for divorce, worked on himself by going to the gym and keeping very busy with our boys and house projects. He began to feel better about himself and started dating. I became scared that I had made a huge mistake. I begged him to give me one more chance. Against his better judgement, he let me come back. It has been 4 months and it has been very difficult for both of us. We are in therapy with a wonderful psycpologist who is caring, really litens, and offers ways for us to communicate. His ultimate goal for us is to have no regrets which ever way we end up. whether it is together or apart. We both feel comfortable with him and feel as if he does us a world of good. Also, we see him alone too so he can get a better perspective on our relationship. I don't know what is going to happen with us but I feel that this is a positive step for both of us no matter what happens.
My point to you is stop focusing on her so much. If you can possibly do so, get her out of the house and on her own. Let her see how it is to be on her own. then you can focus on yourself, your boys, and your home. Take one thing at a time and make it a project for yourself. You will begin to feel better about yourself. File for the divorce and put the ball in her court. It's not worth living with someone who doesn't want to be with you. You deserve to be happy and so does she. If that means that you have to be apart, so be it. It can be very intoxicating to have two men going after you. Take yourself out of the equation. You deserve better than being the consolation prize. Not to mention that it can't be a very healthy environment for your children to live with such tension. Do NOT let her live with you and continue her affair hoping it will end. You are allowing her to have her cake and eat it too. In a way you are enabling her. Get tough and put youself and your children first. Don't put her first. she is already doing that. Going through MLC can turn an otherwise loving, caring person into a selfish, self-centered person. Hopefully she will wake up one morning, reflect on her actions and try to make things right; turn them around. In the meantime, you may find that life is better witout her and all her drama.
I Wish you the best of luck.
From A Woman Like Your Wife

I thank you so much for your reply.

I think I am strong enough to get through this and get her back.

I figure my only option is to try and get on whilst improving myself.
We have 1 year before it is possible to sell our house and in that time I will be calm , confident and strong.

I cannot force her to leave her own home nor can I effectively force her to end the affair. Thats just how it is.

If I can be the sort of husband that somebody would desire then I figure that is my only chance.

I will not be focusing on her just living in the same house and caring for our children, Hopefully she will get to realise just how much she would be giving up.

Of course I do not know for sure that we could even make it work, that would depend on how effort she was willing to put in, cos mine is already firm.
The other thing is that obviously at some stage I will not want her back, but in the meantime I can be patient and strong and hope she sees the light.

I am not a bad man but now think we probably had bad communication problems and took each other for granted. I am now aware of things that might of hurt our relationship and can avoid them.

I have read much about MLC and depression and find solaice in these deffinitions to know that forgiveness would not be an issue.

In my mind I think this is my best course of action and really hope that I am right.

jdmelt

you know what is best for you and your family, but I am teling you that she is not rational at this point. I know, I've been there. I wouldn't listen to anyone. You will be the only rational one in it. Just some advice, I know it's strange getting advice from a woman who behaved the same way as your wife, but, get some legal advice and get yourself a good thereapist, not a counselor but a pshycologist to help you during this time. Your kids need one sane parent and you will have to save your sanity as well. I can tell you that she will respect you so much more if you become strong and not accept her behavior at least while she is in your home with your children. If she sees you inproving your life and doing things that are fun, taking care of things with your kids, it's not only going to make you feel better but it may help her to start to think about what she is doing and what she is risking.
I have to tell you, reading posts from men like you makes me realize exactly what damage I caused. I don't think I was ready to read these a year ago or even 6 months ago, but if you two start to communicate and she seems to realize that she is going through something, you may want to send her to this site.
Good Luck To You, and I will look for updates on here from you.

Hi - firstly i feel for you cos i know what your going through - secondly i totally agree with the ladies postings here especially as they have given their personal account and you get my respect for that - in my 18 month experience i learnt straight away - i was rational she was and still is irrational, you will NEVER make her go to counselling she has to want to do that herself - like the last lady said i stood back and decided to go on the ride with her I showed strength and resolve, ot on with my life and she saw me racing away - basically she warmed back, i drew her back twice, she left got an apartment i helped all along the way, she came ack then went to her sisters, ive seen it all, the emotion, anxiety, been on meds them off them and yes someone else even though she never admitted any affair there was (as there usualy is) someone else but let me tell you they are only superficial it wont last as teh ladies say be positive stay focused on you and teh kids stay strong let her see you enjoying life and having fun and going it, its the relationship game, she will like a happy strong you not someone sat pining waiting - i recently let her move back in from her sisters as it was getting strained there and i moved out (i still want her to have time and space) - i couldn't face living in same house whilst separated so i moved to a mates for few weeks then im renting a little place near lighthouse which i can start to make nice - ive never resented her once through all this as i know it isnt her in there the chemical fog has descended - i'm also rational enough to know we may never reconnect, when we got back she said so many deep loving things so i kind of feel she is still searching - im comfortable with what im doing - i believe in fate so i see what tomorrow brings - you do the same and you will be better for it and i hope things work out for you
Regards
Stu UK