The Good News About "Empty Nest Syndrome"

Hundreds of thousands of families will soon see their youngest child off to college, and that means an outbreak of despondent mothers and fathers suffering from empty nest syndrome.

Or does it?

Professor Karen Fingerman of Purdue recently told the Washington Post that "The idea of this syndrome is pretty much debunked in the literature ... Some people may feel it more than others, but it's not a widespread syndrome."

Much like midlife crisis, the "empty nest syndrome" was popularized in the 1970s and has now achieved the status of unquestioned conventional wisdom. And like midlife crisis, the conventional wisdom about the empty nest is wrong. Many women actually look forward to their children leaving home. And when they do, the reduction in day-to-day friction can actually lead to better relationships.

What We Do Know

Helen DeVries of Wheaton College (IL) found that it is actually fathers who have the harder time when their children leave. They didn't expect it to be a major event, didn't plan for it, and so were more affected by it than their spouses, who saw it coming.

While some parents do feel sad, depressed and / or purposeless after their children leave home, surveys show that isn't what usually happens. But it could be a confusing time. It's important to try to separate the emotions attached to children leaving home from other psychological or physiological issues -- such as menopause, or the impact of a major life event such as divorce or the death of a parent. In midlife these can occur close together, and one shouldn't focus on any single thing, such as "empty nest" or "midlife crisis," as the cause.

There are patterns among those who are susceptible to feelings of grief when their children move out. According to a summary reviewed by the Australian Psychological Society, if previous transitions -- weaning their babies from breastfeeding, or sending the children off to school, or even their own departure from their parents' house -- were difficult, this one may be too. People who rely on their roles rather than their self-worth to define their identity and people who only have the role of parent may also have trouble when their children move out. An unhappy marriage also makes the empty nest more of a problem.

Someone who does find themselves feeling inordinately down should talk to friends or family, a religious counselor, doctor, or mental health professional.

The End of Empty Nest Syndrome?

If the empty nest ever was traumatic for most women, the change in female workforce participation over the last thirty years has probably blunted the impact. Women's roles have also expanded far beyond simply "mother," providing far firmer footing to negotiate the passage to a new phase in life.

And with modern communication, parents have far more ability to participate in their children's lives than when they drove the station wagon to college, dropped them off, and waited for a weekly phone call. That can be a bad thing -- "helicopter parents" are the bane of colleges and students need space to grow up, not prolong adolescence. But it does make the transition less dramatic.

In a recent Washington Post article, writer Jennifer Huget rounded up some suggestions for what parents can do with what can be an entirely new phase of their lives. Most center around using the newfound hours to do something good: exercise, reconnect with friends or family, find a new business or hobby, or improve your marriage.

They may only have a few years to enjoy it. MonsterTrak reported in 2006 that 48% of 2006 college graduates were planning on returning home to live after graduation. And 44% of 2005 graduates were still living at home a year later. The "boomerang" is believed to be a response to higher real college costs, increased housing costs, and, with more kids in college since the Boomers left, a tight entry-level job market.

So parents with children heading away to college have a new way to look at the experience -- as practice.

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Sources:

"Empty Nest Syndrome" at the goverment of Victoria, Australia's Better Health Channel

"Empty Nest Syndrome" at NetDoctor.co.uk

"How to Make the Best Of an Empty Nest" at the Washington Post, June 5, 2007.

"An empty nest can promote freedom, improved relationships" at APA (American Psychological Association) Online.