Interview with Midlife Crisis Expert Dave Schoof

Dave Schoof is a regular contributor to LifeTwo who often writes about midlife crises. Years ago he had his own midlife struggles and since then has been helping others as a coach and as an author. We asked Dave about his own midlife crisis and what he has learned since then that might help others experiencing their own difficult times.

LifeTwo: You frequently use the term "disquiet" when describing what others might call a midlife crisis. Is there a difference? Is it a form of depression?

I think there is a difference. I think the Disquiet occurs more than once throughout a person’s life. What I have learned is it might be showing up when we are living our lives in a way that is out of alignment with what deeply matters to us or in a way that is moving away from our calling. When we ignore or smother this unease, it gets bigger and messier. I think ignoring it for a long time can erupt into the midlife crisis we all know about. Also, I think there is a stage of development that occurs at midlife – a second passage much like our adolescent passage. This transition into the later part of our life is huge. Again I think not engaging it results in Disquiet as well.

Dave Schoof

Depression is often a symptom that shows up with the struggle that results in the crisis. I also hear about anxiety and panic attacks as well.

I mainly focus on the Disquiet in men. That doesn’t mean women do not experience it. But what I have found with my clients and from my study is that most women will engage it and work with it. Many men, on the other hand, tend to personalize it as a failing and keep very much to themselves about it. For men, I have discovered that when they do not feel professionally successful, we feel we are not successful as men. A lot of the Disquiet comes from the disconnect of not feeling successful in work and life. That goes to the very core of our sense of being a man. This continues to show up in the interviews. The men I speak with or coach frequently express surprise and huge relief at finding they are not alone with this.

LifeTwo: You had your own “disquiet” 14 years ago. Please tell us about it and what happened after that experience that culminated in your current activities.

I have had several periods of Disquiet. The big one 14 years ago came up on me slowly at first. I was in the middle of my career and all seemed to be going well – from the outside. I had a good salary and a bright future. My family was growing and we lived in a nice house. I had accomplished what many would describe as a successful life. The only thing is I felt dead inside. The job had lost its meaning for me and I seemed to be really struggling with everything. Nothing felt right. I would be awake at 2 am worrying and puzzled that something seemed wrong and I couldn’t figure out what. I even checked with my doctor and my health was fine. Meanwhile I felt increasingly out of place at work, like it didn’t fit me anymore. I felt trapped there – the “golden handcuffs” of good benefits, security and a mortgage and growing family.

I really felt like I was missing out on something important. A friends recommended a career coach and I started an exploration about what really mattered to me. In that process I discovered I had killed off important aspects of my values and talents. That started a process of basically re-inventing my life.

And from that experience I learned the value of listening to my Disquiet. When it pops up, I now know that is a signal to either move in a new direction or that something is out of whack in my life. It is a very valuable compass!

LifeTwo: Did you have support during your disquiet (for example friends and family) or did you have to work through issues alone?

I started working it alone and that wasn’t very productive. By working it I meant I saw it as a problem to be fixed. So I did a lot of unskillful things to first change things or then to distract me from the pain of it. I kind of hit a brick wall and that is when I reached out for help. Support from friends and eventually a coach became critical pieces in working with it. Not many can do this alone. There have been some who have done it that I interviewed as part of my ongoing study about this, but they are in the minority. Most of us need a guide of sorts. And that guide can be a therapist, coach, spiritual teacher, etc. I think it needs to be someone who understands the terrain.

LifeTwo: Is having a disquiet avoidable? Author Sara Davidson describes something similar (though she calls it the “Narrows”) and states that everyone will go through it at some point or another. That is, are there things that men can do reduce the chances of experiencing a disquiet?

I think it is part of life. I love Sara’s “the straights”. I think that captures it beautifully. What can be avoided is the amount of suffering that comes from not working with it. And that suffering extends beyond the individual. I see family lives and even society impacted severely as a result of men not engaging their Disquiet.

The steps to take to reduce the suffering from the Disquiet are first to begin to engage it. Diving into the unease instead of moving away from it is the key. Once you do, you will start learning a lot about the things that matter most that are missing in your life. Then you can use that information you have discovered and create a map of sorts. It’s like charting a course for a voyage. This is the road map to building the life you want and will thrive in. Next, just like preparing for a voyage, you need to stock up. What are the skills, values, changes and creations you need to execute or get to make the trip. You will use this map as a template to help you make the right kinds of decisions that keep you on course. You also need to prepare for the emergencies and things that can throw you off course so you know how to get back.

LifeTwo: How do men know if they are having a midlife crisis versus being having dissatisfaction over some aspect of their life such as their career or marriage?

That’s a great question. What seems to help differentiate the two is the pervasiveness of the midlife crisis. It affects everything. It really dampens the spark in us that comes alive when we get creative or do something that we really feel good about. I do believe that a dissatisfaction in one part of our lives that goes unattended can lead to this general malaise. But what I have found is if you take action on that source of dissatisfaction and it goes away, then you are all set. But if you say change jobs or leave a relationship and you still feel dissatisfied with your life, chances are that’s the Disquiet that has been ignored. That is why quick fixes don’t work. If I am unhappy with my job and work to find another job, I generally will feel great when the change happens. But if I don’t and the rest of my life continues to feel lousy, this was not about just a bad job.

It can get messy can’t it? That is why I keep talking about the importance of really turning into the Disquiet and engaging it.

LifeTwo: Some people claim that there is no such thing as a midlife crisis and it’s merely a label applied to normal reactions to the losses or disappointments experienced in middle age. Your thoughts?

Those people have not gone through it! Like I said, it is a definite stage in life. It is not the normal reaction to loss. It has an existential and spiritual aspect to it. Thomas Moore writes beautifully about it in "Dark Night of the Soul".

LifeTwo: What advice would you give a woman whose husband is in a full-blown midlife crisis? How about if there is lying and infidelity involved?

That is a huge question. A lot of wives and partners have asked me about that. In fact, I dedicate a regular column on my blog called “In his corner” to the loved ones of a man with Disquiet.

This is very tricky. The key is to show him you are not critical, that he is doing something wrong, or he has to fix something - at least not at first. That seems to push many men deeper into denying something is wrong. That aspect of being seen as a failure is very powerful. I give a lot of tips on how to talk about it, ways to ask questions and support him. I also speak of the absolute importance of getting support for the wife or partner. Don’t struggle in silence or alone. You need support to be able to support your relationship. That can be good finds, counseling etc. If you can’t afford professional help there are all kinds of programs available through churches and community based centers.

When lying, infidelity or other destructive behaviors emerge, you definitely need help. These are the indicators that there is immense pain and suffering. It is a significant but not doomed crisis. With professional help, many are able to work through that. I often recommend a client get into therapy – either alone or as a couple. I am not a therapist and I know the boundaries between coaching and therapy. And both can work very well side by side.

When I coach someone with Disquiet, I also have a special program that helps the man support his family while he works on his life. As you know, any change – even good change, stresses the environment. So a family is impacted by a man working on improving his life. We work with the family to understand the nature of change and how they can support their husband, partner or father.

LifeTwo: What is the most important thing you learned about yourself from your entire journey from the initial trigger 14 years ago to today?

The lesson is simple but hard to learn. Engage the Disquiet. I am now at the point where I no longer panic when it shows up in my life. I know it has important things for me to know and learn, and that I will be taking new actions based on that learning. As a result, I am more fully in my life and I am definitely a better father, partner, and contributor to society.

Links:

Internal link to all of Dave Schoof's LifeTwo contributions.

External link to Dave's website, the Disquiet.