Husband going thru MLC and filed for divorce

Michele:

Michelle, your story is heart breaking. From what you wrote, I wouldn’t know what to do if I were in your shoes either, except maybe to make sure you have support for yourself during this incredibly difficult and stressful time. If he doesn't want to go to counseling with you, you might want to consider going alone--just for yourself and your needs.

Hope the best for you.

My husband (partner of 23 years) decided a year and a half ago that we needed to change our small business and opted to go for a home based business and invest a LOT of my money to do so. I thought long and hard about it but eventually agreed. Six months into it he walked out the door, moved in with a woman young enough to be his daughter. Since then he continues to work - just , mainly due to peer pressure, is stealing money off us and is heading quickly into bankruptcy. He doesn't see his children but lies to everyone about it and says i won't let him. I have struggled to maintain an even balance and keep my boys happy. (11 & 13) As he was not acting on anything at all i have been the one to contact lawyers and try and sort the whole mess out. As we have been self employed for years i find it hard to consider getting back into the workforce. Its hard to do anything when i am trying to half run a business and starve of going broke. Numerous talks with him have proved fruitless. I ask him to communicate and it goes in one ear and out the other. Our entire social life has been affected due to a lot of mutual friends.There are days when i could just jump in my car with my boys and leave but being the "responsible" one I can't do that. The pressure is enormous and I know i will keep going for the kids sake but can anyone explain that "total denial couldn;t care less attitude. I can see and end but its been a hard long road. I have dealt with my feeling about him but still have to deal with my children who have been rejected and the possiblilty of having owned a house and having a good future to being on the poverty line. Why is it so easy for some men just to walk away from it all ???????

I have been married for 25 years and my husband left and moved out and adanded me and got his own apartment and said he wants a annulmant. I said No! In the mean time I found out that he has been on Match.com dating service and looking for someone to have a affair with and went out and bought a brand new truck. He told me he didn't love me anymore and that our marriage was really one sided anyway and that I loved him and he didn't feel the same. His Dr, told him that he was going thru midlife Crisis and to keep taking his medicine and that his feelings for me would come back and he switched Dr's right away and didn't want this Dr's help anymore after a year and a half.
Why is he doing this to me and our 3 grown daughters??????

He lied to me and said his new Dr. wanted him to take a 3 month break from me, OK no one believes that story!!!
Then why take everything from our house, and get a new apartment and a new truck and go on websights and look for other women?
I even caught him riding in his truck with another woman recently.
I'm living with my daughter at this time because he made our house that we have a mortage on unable to live in. He tore out the Elec. fuse boxes and took so much stuff from the house and shut the water off.

Do you have an answer?
Signed
Heartbroken

"He tore out the Elec. fuse boxes..."

That is pretty serious acting out and vandalism is usually not part of what is an otherwise introspective process of evaluating where one is in life, feelings of mortality, etc.

He needs help and I hate to say it but you might want to talk to a lawyer. If he is going to act out what is likely your largest financial asset (your home) and start running up bills, etc., you need to consider protecting yourself. By the way this is not inconsistent with trying to get him help and you can do both at the same time.

Very sorry to read this.

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Thanks Wesley For the advice!!!

Yes, he tore out the Elec. fuse boxes like a wild man!!!!
and made the house unlivable and that's why i had to move in with my daughter. I have been here a month now and I already seen a Attorney because I felt like I had no other choice with my ( Husband ) cheating on me and going on dating websights on Match.com.
He moved out in his own apartment and bought a brand new truck right after he moved out. I couldn't believe that !!!!! Yellow, like he's trying to stand out and say look at me. We have been married for 25 years and that's a long time to be together!
What's wrong with him??????

What do you think about the 3 month Dr's advice calling it a thearaputic seperation ? no one else believes that even my Attorney when I told him that. He said NO!! and what he did was abandonment!!!! and having an affair ( Adultry )!!!!!

What do you make out of that?

Signed
Heartbroken

I feel for you and what you are going through. We're not psychologists or therapists so it's not our place to offer specific judgments. But when someone becomes violent or exhibits such outwardly hostile actions as vandalizing a home, it doesn't take a PhD to know that you should be seeking professional guidance and removing yourself from harm's way. An attorney is a good place to know your rights (and responsibilities). Counseling or therapy for you might also be advisable given the events of the past year. You might be wondering why we are mentioning counseling for you when it is you husband exhibiting the aberrant behavior. As I'm sure you've heard, it's almost impossible to change other people; but you can change the way that you respond to them. Hopefully your husband does get the help he needs.

In short, take care of yourself and your family and point him in the right direction and hope that he follows it.

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My husband of 17 years is turning 40 soon. He has told me how much this is torturing him. He feels his life is almost over, we didn't travel enough, we don't have enough money, etc. He went and bought a new car that a teen would love to have, plays video games every single day. Our marriage has had ups and downs like any other, but since the new year, we had made a commitment to eachother to renew our relationship, and make *us* a new priority. And we did! It was like we were dating again. Then on my birthday he went and filed for divorce. I was devastated. Now after he's filed, he wanted to go to counseling. Which is fine believe me. BUT...I am so confused, and don't know how to take him. His actions, are complete opposite of his words. Every weekend we go out and do things like we are dating. We are *together* more than ever. He hugs me while we are sleeping every night, because we are still sharing a marital bed. We laugh, joke, hug, go out. Then at therapy, he will say he is trying, but then say he is only there because his lawyer told him to go, or that he is only there so I can't say he didn't try? This confuses me terribly. I don't know how to take it. His reason at therapy for the divorce, he says, is the feelings of resentment he can't get over for arguments and things that happened early in our marriage when we were 20ish. I tell him things haven't been like that in years, that I've grown and matured over the last 17 years, and that I'm sorry calling him names all those years ago hurt him. I don't know what more I can do. I love this man, but don't want to sit here being nice playing the fool either???
Confused.

check out divorcbusting.com and marriagebuilders.com they have alot of good info and depending on how much you want your marriage to survive it gives advice, but in MLC it might not happen.
I'm working on mine--find out all the info you can off the web.
Good luck

My husband was loving and attentive and was very happy with our life, and then six weeks after the birth of our first baby (which we tried for a year to have)he says "I think someone else might be better for me." "I'm having to make too many compromises", "You're not passionate about the same things I am, like cars, wakeboarding, and hard rock", " I don't like my job", and "I don't think my parents are happy..my dad never gets to do anything he wants". He then starts hanging out with a young single male employee, flying on his plane, sending him inappropriate text messages at work (as jokes), spent a weekend away at an airshow with this guy, then calls me while I am 1500 miles away with our baby visiting family and ends our marriage over the phone. He has been very mean since this all happened and overly possesive of our baby. When I returned from the trip, he had removed two of his collector cars from the house and has filed for divorce. What happened????

While there are always two sides of every story, just hearing your side is enough. No matter what the issue is, and reading between the lines you have raised questions about his sexuality, the fact is that his actions are deplorable. But depressed people can do such things so it's possible that this is what you are seeing.

Since you said that he was loving and attentive before the baby was born, perhaps something happened there. According to this article, "10% of fathers get moderate or sever postpartum depression".

From the article:

More incapacitating than the "baby blues," postpartum depression is marked by severe sadness or emptiness, withdrawal from family and friends, a strong sense of failure, and even thoughts of suicide. These emotions can begin two or three weeks after birth and can last up to a year or longer if untreated.

While women often show signs of frank sadness when they are depressed, men may be more likely to be irritable, aggressive, and sometimes hostile when depressed, he says.

Pediatricians may also be up on the topic since they are on the watch for it--especially as it relates to the welfare of the child.

If it is a sexuality issue that is affecting your husband and not the birth of your child, then that would require a different tact.

Since your husband has already filed you need to get an attorney and protect yourself and your child--especially if he is moving assets around. You should might want to talk to a doctor, counselor, or psychologist about your own issues and support.

Hopefully you can get him to open up and tell you what is really going on or perhaps there is a trusted third-party who can talk to him for you to find out what is going on.

We're all very sorry to hear this and hope that something turns around.

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Thank you Wesley for your comments. I have an attorney and am trying to get my job back (I quit to stay home and raise our baby which is what we agreed upon before all this happened). He won't talk to his best friend about it, but now has moved in with another set of close friends. I'm not sure why they aren't asking him what he's thinking! He also says now that he hates my family and never wants to see them again, that there is no attraction between us and doesn't know if there ever was. However he was the persuer during the entire course of our relationship (13 years). One of our friends said it was almost annoying how much he "worshipped" me. I just don't know what is real anymore. Why would he be so persuant and act so happy and then just end it so abruptly? What could I have possibly done to bring this on? How could he walk away from such a good life and not even look back for a second? We had happy memories, I know we did. Why can't he see any of that? How can people not be telling him to get some help and at least try for our baby's sake? How do I keep functioning and not fall apart? How do I let go since it was not my choice? How can I handle being a single mom...I was just figuring out how to be a mom with help!?! I am so scared and uncertain about eveerything. Any advice?

I feel for you and your situation. Part of the frustration is that the only person who can answer the questions of "why" is your husband and it does not seem that those are going to be forthcoming. It appears that you've tried everything and he is bent on doing his self-destructive thing. It may be time for you to focus on you and your baby and let what happens with him and the marriage happen. You have an attorney and should be in counseling. Those professionals plus your friends and family should form your support system to help you with things like how to be a single mom in today's world. The good news is that there are millions of single moms successfully thriving and once you get over the shock and the anger I'm sure you can come up with a plan on how you are going to be one yourself.

It is entirely possible when your husband sees that you are focusing on your life and your baby and not on trying to win him back that you will see a change. Or not. He might not change his behavior but he might start talking to you.

I wouldn't give a lot of credence to what his comments like "hating your family" and "no attraction to you." In terms of the former he might just be embarrassed to face them and it's easier to have a wall up rather than try to explain to them why he's doing what he's doing. As for the latter, never being attracted, I'd put more stock in 13 years behavior than what's coming out of his mouth.

I'd make a list of everything that I was concerned about in my life. I'd then put them in two columns, those things that were in my control and those that were not and then focus on the former.

But to me the most important thing is the support system. You have your lawyer watching your back on the legal side and whatever professional you pick to help you with the more personal issues in counseling. Everyone else can be there to help you move forward on the advice you get from those two.

I also think you might benefit from reading the discussion posts in "help my wife is having a midlife crisis". While it is written from the man's point of view I think you'll see some good suggestions and a perspective that might help. You might also have something to say that helps what the men are going through.

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My H of 22 yrs. moved out 3 months ago, after we had a horrible fight. H is 51 yrs. old I am 48. After a very stressful year that I had my Father of 83 yrs. has dementia, my Mother was the main care-giver, I am the only child, my business was failing, my H's business was as well, we were in debt to the max, he took off for a wk. came back for a wk and off he went again. After that he was dancing around like monkey telling everyone that he is now free and going back to his country (Europe). I was devastated, of course I took on all the blame (he was blaming me) I begged him to come back home, that I will change, I immediately went into therapy, I was crying all the time, pleading with him to come back home that I will change!!! All this time he disregarded me and treated me like an old pair of shoes that he no longer wanted. I now realiaze it was not my fault, of course I did contribute to the breakdown, no denying that!! After he left, he was telling everyone family and friends that it was me, he could not tolerate me any longer, he would tell different stories to different people. He immediately was making plans to move back to his homeland. He bought a Mercedes (has no $$$) went back to his country for 3 1/2 wks. this past July and when he came back he was even more angrier than before he left. During these past 3 months of course I was romatasizing about a reconciliation. Everyone was telling me wait till he comes back from holidays...well he came back worse, more angrier, more vindictive and more nastier. This is what hurts me the most, the way he is treating me, ummmm I should be the one treating him like that, after all he left me and our marriage and our future!!! All he now cares about is his share of the house and what he will be leaving with because he has no $$$ to start his new life. Well, you made these choices, and now there are consequences!! I am not a mean, or vindictive person, I feel for him and what he is going through..I went through the same when I went through early menopause a few years back....I stayed, I did not leave, even though I wanted too, I could not hurt him, I could not leave him especially after what he had gone through during his childhood (born out of wedlock 51 yrs ago in a village in Europe...not an easy thing)....I went with the flow until I rode out that bad bad storm. When he came back from holidays in his country (he went to finalize his transition for his move back) we went out for dinner, he told me point blank that he does not want to be married any longer and that he wants to be alone. I said ok I accept that, we have to now proceed with the finalizaiton of our divorce. He does not want a divorce, ummm sorry but I do...he feels that it is only a piece of paper..well it's a very important piece of paper that ties us together, why would you want that?? To make a long story short last week he was livid, he told me that he wont let me keep the house, he wont let another man live in his house, he has taped all my voice-mail message, it is my fault that he left I forced him out, I made him leave..tell my mother to not ever call him again, (she only has called him once to speak to him from the heart) from now on I will have to speak w/his lawyer, he went on and on...well of course he didnt go to any lawyer, we are going to go to my cousins (he's a marriage counsellor) this weekend to iron out our separation ammicably as we cannot communicate, he is way too angry at me..I have come to realization through reading about mid-life crisis that it is his issue, not mine. I do want to remain friends with him, I do not want to hurt him financially, I do not wish him any ill feelings, it just seems...no let me retract, he does want to hurt me, both emotionally and financially. I know I have to think about myself, but I do think about him and what he is doing with his life, so fast, so irrationally, it hurts me to think that he is destroying himself...this is something that he has to go through...I have made my peace within my soul, I have made my peace with the situation that I have been faced with, I'am moving on, and I have accepted the path that God has chosen for me to take....as I do NOT want this experience to interfere for my future. First and foremost H was my best friend, I still feel that, I still love him I always will..I wish him well, I wish him the best, I just feel that he is a lost soul at this point, and he is reacting in such an irrational way, that it has dumbfounded not only me, but my family and friends...At this point and time, I Have to LET HIM GO, as hard as it is (it is getting better)...because I LOVE HIM!!!

You've come a long way. Thank you for sharing your story and I'm sure your lessons learned will help others.

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My husband and I have been together six years. We have a 3 year old daughter, and his 10 year old son that live with us. We just got married in November and went on our honeymoon in June. He came back completely different. I had him to the doctor for bipolar because he ranges from depression to manic. The medicine did help, but he's back to his rantings again. I have another doctor's appt. today to hopefully adjust the medication depokote. My husband admits it did make him feel better, but I think the dosage needs to be raised now.

Either way - the more I read about male midlife crisis, the more it is EXACTLY the same symptoms. I don't want a divorce, and he says he doesn't either. He isn't in a listening mood, which makes it impossible to improve the situation. But when I can get him to listen - what can I do?

I don't think he wants to go anywhere, and he really isn't the type to have an affair. I want to offer him an out to the mess he's creating, help him come to peace with where he's at, and at the same time, not become June Cleaver. The June Cleaver way, to me, will only delay the inevitable and maybe make me miss my window of opportunity.

How can a wife offer love and support, and help him through this time in his life? He is the kind that will regret it later. I am 42 and this is my first marriage. I do not want to lose it only 8 months into it after we've been together over 5 years.

Any advice is appreciated.

I don't see any reason for you to rush a divorce if he isn't pushing for one and you don't want one either. Good for both of you for not doing something that statistically won't improve the situation and could be something you both regret--especially with a young child.

You say that he isn't in a "listening mood." Dave Schoof who contributes here and has worked extensively with men having midlife crises recommends that the best strategy at this juncture is to listen, listen and listen. Avoid asking them "why" or judgmental questions.

But your post seems to indicate that you already know that the problem might have a medical cause...depression and/or bipolar. In fact you said you have a doctor's appt today with his doctor. That appears to be the key to all of this and doctors are certainly used to having patients who don't want to take their medication and he should be able to offer advice on what to do about it.

Until you have exhausted the medical approach and listening I would think that thinking about ending the marriage would be premature. Of course it's your life and you need to do what is right for you and your child.

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You don't know how great it feels to have someone hear you. The doctor did increase my husband's medication at my request, and my husband did not object. After the appointment, I handed him a letter with my thoughts. This way he could read it when he wanted.

It was this site that helped me so much to be able to write this letter. The many women's comments and your responses really let me see that it is a common occurance, and took the blame off me that I had done something. Instead it allowed me to change focus to how can I help him while I can, not what did I do.

My letter supported him, and all he had said to this point. Letting him know I heard him and I believe he said the truth. That truth may only be from his perspective, but I'll work with it.

I let him know I would support him, and help him achieve this new image he may have of his future. We could do it together. That I doubted I could change so much to just do everything he wants all the time, so if didn't want to work together, then he might need to decide to leave. But that he leave quickly and allow me to recover and focus on myself and the kids.

He read the letter privately and seemed to be more open and settled last evening. I have a hope I didn't have before. I am also preparing for counseling if we reach a point he'll go.

thanks again, and I'll let you know how things work out. I hope anything I learn here can help someone else.

Brenda, Newark, DE

"You don't know how great it feels to have someone hear you."

That's what this site is here for. I'm sure your comments will help others just as you have been helped by theirs. Putting your thoughts down in writing was a very good idea and we hope the best.

Keep us in the loop.

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My husband turned 50 this year..I am 42. We have been married for 13 years in September. My husband has always been the most affectionate man, loving towards me always and had told me repeatedly that he would never leave me.

About 2 months ago he began to become less affectionate and distant. I asked him about it and he said he didn't know what was wrong and he didn't know if he was still in love with me. I was so stunned and all I could imagine was that there was another woman. He said there wasn't but I was so hurt I told him to leave. I immediately regretted telling him this and begged him not to but I guess I set an inevitable ball rolling.

He moved everything out and has been gone for 5 weeks. He has been coming around frequently to get more of his things and to pick up our 11 year old daughter (who is autistic and developmentally disabled) to visit with him. Every time he comes around he is so angry and sad. I asked him why isn't he happier since he said he needed to leave to pursue his dreams and now he has that. He said that he didn't expect to be happy right away and that it would take time.

I was so hurt that I went and filed for divorce. He was to be served the day after this encounter...

...The last time I saw him he was still angry at me even though I am always pleasant to him. I said I wanted to tell him that I understood he needed to go away and that I hoped he would be able to still be a husband to me. I told him that I thought he was a good man and that is why I am so unhappy about his decision to leave me. Since we have been living with my elderly parents in exchange for my being their in home caregiver, I told my husband that once his career got going and he could afford to get a place, (he moved in with a friend...a guy supposedly) that I would find alternate care for my parents and that me and our daughter would move in with him and we could be a family. I told him that I know he still loves me and that I do not want to stand in the way of his dreams. As I was telling him these things he was swallowing hard and had tears in his eyes. He did not want to look at me and when i gently grabbed his face to look at me he started to cry. He said he couldn't stay any longer and left without saying goodbye to our daughter.

He called 5 minutes later and said he was sorry for leaving so abruptly and that he wants me to know that he is thinking about what I said.

I don't know if I should look at this as any kind of glimmer of hope that maybe we could work out our marriage. I called the paralegal that filed my divorce and told them I do not want the divorce. They have put it on hold until I pay to have it reversed(?) since it has already been filed.

Is there any hope for us? Our marriage has been through so much. Our daughter's diagnosis... my husband had addiction problems for years that he has just recently conquered...living with my parents has been very trying. But through all of it we grew to love each other and count on each other even more. Before this happened we didn't even fight. My husband always kissed me goodbye and hello, frequently hugging me and kissing me throughout the day. Now he doesn't even seem to want to be in the same room with me for more than 30 seconds.

Is there anything I can do? Is it possible that we can reconcile even though he has moved out? I can tell there is still a flicker of real love there down deep. Is there anything I can do to fan that flicker into a flame again?

Please advise.

A sad story indeed.

I think that given the circumstances, you've handled things very well. A few observations:

1. Reversal fees, whatever they may cost, is a small price to pay for a chance to salvage a marriage.

2. Your daughter, as all daughters, deserves that her parents do everything possible to keep it together.

3. I think you would both benefit from marriage counseling. You might want to ask him to attend, for your daughter's sake if nothing else, with no strings attached.

4. Read the articles by LifeTwo contributor Dave Schoof on the subject of male midlife crisis (search "Schoof") on this web site to find them and also poke through the midlife crisis postings on this site for other hopefully helpful information.

5. Your husband seems at a loss and that's no fun for him or you. Hopefully he can understand that you can be part of the solution and are not in fact the source of the problem. Lot's of people get the feelings that they do and it is a lot worse to deal with them alone. You're there for him if he is willing to let you in.

6. There might be a medical cause. Ask him to get a physical. This isn't for you nor is it a back-handed way to blame him for everything. Instead he owes it to himself and his daughter to do so.

7. You are not a doormat at you should not be subjected to anger or hostility. Hopefully this is a message that can be given to him in therapy as he'll likely just tune you out. And while it is important you do everything possible to save the marriage that should not include anything that puts you, your physical health, or your mental health at risk. You have needs just as much as him.

Hope this helps. Of course these are just opinions and you need to do what is right for you.

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My husband of 18 years says he doesn't love me any more and wants a divorce. I still love him and we have 2 kids together. I don't want a divorce, I am a stay at home mom that works a few hours while the kids are in school, I don't want to change that. I don't want my children's lives to change.

How can someone love you for 20 years, then all of a sudden not? He is a workaholic and hasn't spent much time at home for the last year and a half. He has a "friend" at work. I think if we divorce he will pursue her, if he hasn't already.

What can I do?

First, is it possible to be married only for 8 month,- very happy before, and now he says he doesnt love me same anymore.. that he has MLC? We where such a happy couple, I gave up everything for him in Europe, came to the states and got married not too long ago. Everything was fine I thougth, of course we had arguments sometimes, but who hasnt. Then after I realised more and more he was distanced, moody and anrgy a lot of time, I asked him one day, what is wrong wiht you. That day, my world was falling apart. He sayed he doesnt know, hes overwellmed, jobwise, with me and my daughter and my cats I came with, he tought things would be easyer to get used, he doesnt love me that strongly anymore,we argued too much , without talking about it after, and now he doesnt know, if we will have a future together. I shouldnt talk about our future anymore, life is like a fork, we dont know if our ways will separate, we can take only one day by the other.. ect.. I was shocked, sobbed whole day, thought I am in a nightmare. Our love was so big, I thought. He is mostly busy with work, law enforcment, fire trainings, military drills, ect.. not much home anyway. Now even more he is away it seems, he workes off duty stuff, or goes on his off days with hes motorbike ( he got 1 year ago) riding with his buddies. When he is home, he eighther sleeps or watch Tv or workes out. Hardly ever he communicates with me, only small talk. The only time he is still the old guy, is when we sleep with eachother. Then I feel he still wants me, or maybee its just the homones, I dont know. Before he started with hugs or knuddling or even sex, now, it is me, because he stoped. But when I start, there is always a reply. So I really dont know what is wrong with him. And mostly, how I react to this. At the moment I am friendly and polite and understanding. But I dont know for how long I can accept his coldness,( he can be busy whole day without giving me any attention) his not communicating, his distance, anymore. If I try to discuss with him about us, its me who talks, he shut up. So on the end he knows all I feel and think, but I dont know anything. I feel its another person I married, I cant come through his wall around him anymore. Please advice, what can I do, how I react. I wont give him up so quick, I love him too much. And I beleive he is worth it. Thanks alot!

I think I know what the problem is:

He had an idea in his head what being married was going to be, and the reality of marrying someone with a child (and cats!) and the instant family and all the emotional and financial responsibilities are an unhappy suprise for him.

If your daughter is not suffering from his behavior, try and work it through for a year or so more. Insist on at least seeing a marriage counselor once a week for a year to talk about it, and not missing more than one appointment a month since his job sounds demanding.

If your daughter IS unhappy or being treated poorly by him, put your foot down immediately, demand he stop all negative behavior that affects her NOW. If he will not or can not do so, it is better for you both to end it sooner than later.

I tried and tried to be understanding, forgiving, patient, helpful, and all the rest- for over 10 of the 14 years, and both my daughters ended up bitter and distrusting as a result.

What ended it finally was indeed a full blown MLC on his part (online dating activities, sex with strangers, pursuing outside relationships, activities away from home often, distancing himself from us, hiding money, buying a new car all of a sudden, etc), hidden from me under the guise of 'work' until I realized what he was doing- I was too trusting :(

Thank you Wesley for you previous response to my post. It means a lot that you took the time to respond. I just wanted you to know I appreciate it.

This is what has happened since then, and my hopes have become dashed.

My Husband came over to show me how to use the mower. He asked if I had a minute to talk, I said "sure" hoping this would be where he would let me know if we had a chance to work things out.

He proceeded to tell me that I should probably go to the doctor for a check up since he was with at least two different women when he was still living at home and he didn't wear a condom. He then tells me that he has been with at least five women since he moved out which was seven weeks ago.

That was it. I kept my composure and it wasn't difficult actually...I think that just canceled any thoughts I had about saving my marriage. He left and said we'll talk later but that was over a week ago.

I find it really strange that he would make a point to tell me about the cheating in such a matter of fact way and in such detail. It is like he wants to go out of his way to hurt me. Since he told me he was going to the doctor to get checked for std's, he could have waited to get the results before he told me to get checked.

I am having a hard time trying to visualize what he could possibly do at this point to ever get me to take him back...if he ever even wanted that.

I have decided to just go on improving my own life and after the holidays I will know for sure about finishing the divorce filing.

Right now it seems inevitable.

Very sorry to hear this and the cruel turn of events vis-a-vis your husband. By all means do see a doctor. I think you intuition is right on. He could have waited for his own tests to see if he had anything. He just wanted to tell you--probably analogous to the way that some cheating spouses want to get caught.

You are absolutely correct to now focus on your life and what is right for you.

Again sorry that it has taken this path.

I see that I am not the only person having an issue and they all seem kind of similar. I thought I would post because I feel totally lost right now and I need all the support I can get. My husband who is 42 and I (39) got married in Sept 2006. We had been together for 13 years. We had a dog who was a huge part of both of our lives, he was in our wedding with us and he came on the honeymoon with us as well, in fact that was a pre-requisite by both of us that he be able to come with us. Our wedding was perfect it was exactly what both of us wanted. Two days after we got back from our honeymoon we received a diagnosis on our dog that he had bone cancer and would possibly be with us for appr 4 more months. The newlywed win got taken right out of our sails as we had to turn our attention to caring for the dog. Our dog passed away in January here at home. We got a new puppy in March because the hole was too great and the void needed to be filled. Within about a week of getting her he begun escalating in his behavior and essentially having temper tantrums. He has broken a chair, put holes in our walls and broken other various things around the house. I started out as being patient and understanding figuring that he was still grieving as I was the loss of our dog, but the actions continued. I tried several times to talk to him and ask what was wrong, where was he, what was he feeling, etc and he always came back with he didn't know. He wasn't sure what was going on - he is selfemployed so he attributed some of it to that as it has been a tough season this year, he thought maybe he was still sad b/c of the dog, he just didn't know. We hung in and things stayed as they had been with us confirming one to the other that we were stuck with each other - no one was going anywhere, we would make sure to little taps to each other at times, nighttime rituals, good morning kisses before leaving. Everything was the same with the exception of his periodic outbursts. As the outbursts continued my patience was waning and I was finding myself uneasy as I did not know what I was walking into when I would get home from being out or I was trying to be careful what to say so as not to spark an issue. It was weird, it wasn't us - I believe that in that time I may not have been as affectionate as I could have been but our sex life stayed normal. Everything seemed as it had. We were supposed to be going away for our first anniversary and two nights before I asked him if had met someone and he said yes. I was floored. He asked me if this was a midlife crisis he was going through - I don't know I said, I don't know. I could not believe he was saying yes and then not telling me it was a joke afterwards. It has devastated me. He said that he felt like they had an amazing connection - that they really clicked. We stayed up and talked most of the night and at that time I was still feeling that there may be hope for us as he told me he had not slept with her as of then and there was still a connection b/w us. I told him I wanted to talk to her and I called her and she and I talked - it was a resonable conversation as I was still in shock. He got on the phone and talked with her as well and as they were talking I could hear that there was already a connection b/w them and he said they had met about 3wks prior. He met her in a bar she apparently frequents while he was drunk, they have had several phone conversations and that is how he has decided they "click". I have not met or seen her but from what I am being told she has quite a reputation in the area she lives. I have been led to believe she is kind of trashy. Being presented with this information by a friend of ours who has seen her and knows who she is my husband defends her and says he knows but that she is a really nice girl. I have packed most of all of things and sent them with him and he is off getting ready to have a new life with her. I am dying inside and this person is not my husband. He said that he has felt flat with me for sometime, that we have nothing in common and that he thought getting married would fix it. He has been married once before about 20 yrs ago and had always told me he didn't want to get married again. We had started talking about it about a year before we got engaged. None of this makes any sense to me, I just don't know how to get through this all, I am in counseling as of last week when this all happened but I'm just numb - what are your thoughts ?

What a horrible loss. First your dog who was a part of your family and then your husband.

A couple of things. First, regardless of what your friend says in terms of the other woman being nice, anyone who openly sees a married man, who is still technically a newlywed, is by all means "kind of trashy". That's being nice. She has a serious character flaw and is taking advantage of a troubled man.

Second, you stated "he is off getting ready to have a new life with her." I wouldn't be so sure about that. He very well might be thinking that this is going to be the answer to his quest of figuring out what is wrong with him. I have a hard time believing that shacking up with a woman who is happy to break up a 14 year relationship is going to be the answer to any meaningful question. Sure in the beginning everything that is new and different is exciting. But how is she going to deal with his first "outburst" or him kicking a hole in the wall? Is her lack of moral conviction going to keep her from "clicking" with someone else.

Relationships need a foundation and it's hard to see how these two have any foundation to build on.

I actually feel sorry for both you and him. For him because he needs help. You stated how much the loss hurt you both and combined with his work and who knows what else, it hasn't been an easy time for him. But he took the easy way out and instead of dealing with his issues by seeking counseling, talking to you, or even riding them out for a bit, he took the easy way out.

As I've written here so many times, when someone says things like "I've felt this way for a years..." it's the ultimate cop-out. It is so much easier to justify to people when something has been going on for many years and they've tried and tried. So this is the story that they concoct and possibly even believe. Tune it out. If it had been true then they would have said something. Far more likely is that this year his world got turned upside down but he is cognizant enough of how bad it looks to shack up with someone one year after getting married that he's telling you (and everyone else) that it's been over for years.

I'm so glad you are in counseling and hope the best for you. I'm sure they will recommend that you focus on you. There is very little that you can do to change someone else's behavior. Hopefully your husband will get the help he needs. If he is going to bars and getting drunk as you noted it is even more imperative that he seek help.

But you can control your own situation. You should be seeing as many friends and doing as many things that you like to do as possible. Even though you've been wronged, refuse to see yourself as a victim. Try and think of every possible thing that you were not able to do when you were with him and feel grateful that you can now do these things.

I'm sure you know that with time you will work through whatever happens.

I'm sorry there isn't more. Perhaps others will chime in with ideas of their own. Please continue to share what works for you. Our stats show that for every person who writes a post, a 100 or so read it. So your participation really helps.

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Hi Wesley,

I have just started reading your comments and really felt as if I was not alone in what I am going through. Well, here is my story. My H is 49 and I am 45, and for the past 2 yrs we have been going through hell. At first I thought it was all me, and he did everything to let me know it was me, including leaving me in Dec 2006 because " I was changing". At that time I was really depressed after experiencing my mother and his mother's death with 2 weeks of each other and my own "perimenapause events", I thought I was going crazy,and to make matters worse he moves out and starts immediately dating, and of course seeing me also. Well, this lasted for 9 months becsuse my self esteem was at the bottom. Within the 8th month of the separtation, I started chatting online because I wanted to "feel as if someone wanted me". But you and I know that nothing good came out of that. Well, H and I reconciled because he cried and confessed that he "wanted his wife back". So we were blissful for about a month and I made a mistake of talking online again with the same guy because my husband hurt me again( which I did on purpose and I know wasn't right), which led to the most damamging occurances in our 5 year marriage, he got hurt and boy oh boy did he punish me, with emotional abuse. He decided that he was not married and lived his life accordinly, while I was trying to get over my depression and show him that I wanted our marriage to work and I was willing to accept his anger. Now during the timeframe of April - July, I lost my job and he was not bringing any money into the house either so we got evicted to add more stress to the pot. So, I'm dealing with knowing that I am going to be put out of the home we were living in, him acting as if he is not married and telling his "new" friends that he is not, him dating, going to clubs dancing and staying out until 2 AM, and I am not suppose to say anthing about the disrespect, talking with other women on the phone and via email etc., and he tells me that he wants to separate when we move out. Well guess what? I get a job and can take care of myself, but he is still not bringing any income in and he rents a condo(with no money), he has the gift of "gab", with a promise to the landlord to pay him at the end of September when he "closes a loan", which is nowhere in site, he rents an office space at the middle of August (again with no money), and continues to tell "lies" to the property owner about paying the rent. He comes to my house to eat and to ask for gas money, and he says "he still loves me and never stopped", he is with me everynight..What is going on?

Wow, that's some story. No wonder you gave it the heading you did, I got confused just reading your story so I can only imagine what it has been like to have lived it.

To me there are just a couple of issues for you to decide. Up to this point your husband has been making all of the decisions including: when to move out, when to move back; whether you separate, how your joint finances will be spent, etc. He appears to come and go as he pleases and to see people when he wants. But if you do something like have an online chat then he goes ballistic and punishes you over and over with every mind game in the book.

Maybe it's time that you get involved with the decision making process and make a few of your own. You should start by knowing your rights. I would suggest talking to a lawyer; not necessarily to file or pursue any particular course of action but instead to know what your rights are and particular to talk the lawyer about what your husband is doing with the finances.

Once you know your options you will know what line you want to draw. I think most people would find it unacceptable for their spouse to be acting as yours is acting. It's one thing for a spouse to go through a period of depression, midlife crisis, or other problems, and of course they deserve every bit of help, support, and patience you can muster. But your husband appears to just be behaving poorly and needs to either stop doing or face the consequences of his actions.

Your relationship seems in need of counseling and if it gets to the point that you are working things out you might want that to be a component of the process. I have a hard time believing he'll be able to explain what he's doing with you relationship to a third party mediator or counselor without sounding incredibly immoral and shallow.

Finally, no matter what happens you will want to come to grips with your own self-esteem. You've had a hell of a year (two deaths and then all this stuff with your husband) which could knock just about anyone for a loop. When someone, as you did, writes that they started chatting online to "feel as if someone wanted me", well that's a pretty big indication you could use some emotional support. Lots of people want you and I'm sure you know that--it's just not going to be apparent when you are sitting at home alone and you husband is out on a date. So in addition to everything else make sure that you are getting help and doing things just for you and that support you.

Note that it is your life and you need to do what you think is right for you and your situation. Whatever happens I hope it improves for you. Please keep us posted so others can learn from your experiences.

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Thanks for taking the time to respond. My husband and I are separated and I did alot of reading today on your site and about detachment of emotions and I know that this is the road that I need to travel. This is a very unhealthy and toxic relationship for me now. It is time for me to take care of myself and to stop "allowing" him to make decisions about my life and how I am going to live it. He made a decision to separate, I even asked him before it happened if he was sure that this is what he wanted and he said "yes", so I am ready to accept it and make my decision to keep moving. There is absoutley nothing I can do about how he wants to live his life, I just don't understand how he can function the way he does, but after reading about detachment and control, I see that it is a way of conning people to get what he wants (renting a condo and office space without any money, and giving people bad checks).

I know that he has changed dramatically and is not the same person that I met and feel in love with and married, this past year and a half have been "hell".

I know that there is alot of bad behavior, but there has to be some sort of MLC because of the drastic changes. Or maybe I'm wrong.

I wil take care of myself....