When Breaking Up is a “Get Out of Jail Free” Card

I've thought about your advice for 3 days- THANK YOU- THANK YOU- THANK YOU. I've been married for 30 years to a good man. We've had our ups and downs, I have a temper, he withholds affection. But between May and Oct of 2005 we agreed we were the happiest we had ever been together. Marriage was great; we were in love and looking forward to many happy years together. Why not? We'd beat the odds, we weren't in the divorce statistics, 30 years together and planning on 'till death do us part.' We would enjoy our four children and one beautiful grand-daughter. Aug. of 2005 I gave him a surprise 50th birthday party. Oct of 2005 he hit me with "I want a divorce." I was devastated. We continued to live together for another year and a half with divorce looming over my head the whole time. We fought, I cried, I begged, I pleaded. What happened? Where was my partner, my best friend, my lover? Who was this man? On Feb 18, 2007 I moved out; it was our 30 anniversary. He said it was him or me- I couldn’t make the repairs on our home to sell it or afford house payments- so I went. During what I assume is his MLC he has:
1. Bought a convertible (for me.)
2. Talked about quitting his $34.00 per hour job.
3. Had a phone (?) affair with Linda. Thousands of minutes.
4. Bought a second cell to carry on this relationship.
5. Gone to D.C. twice looking for a job (where Linda lives.) The man does not take leave time. In 5 years of Timeshare we have used 1/10 of our time and lost the rest.
6. Was spending 4-5 hours a night watching hard-core in the internet.
7. Bought golf clubs.
8. Wants to play baseball again. (He had broken his neck twice and it is fused together-he cannot imagine a day without back pain.)
9. This weekend he bought a brand new red motorcycle.
10.
He is miserable. Many of these things I am totally in support of, items 1, 7, 8, and 9. But taken in total context. WOW! MLC? Or has he just fallen out of love with me. A very affectionate man normally, he has not said “I love you” of his own will since Oct 2005, he doesn’t hold my hand, or touch me. We still infrequently make love, usually it initiated by me. He is simply not interested in sex- not even with Linda. I am so hurt. Who is this man? My head and heart have argued almost constantly for 2 years now. I cry all the time, I sit at my desk and cry at work. He says “I want a divorce!” Then he buys me thoughtful presents off e-bay. He went to Hawaii and California with me. He said he chose me over Linda. He doesn’t make any moves toward divorce. What does he want out of me? The other day I told him enough! We needed to fill out papers and file, he said “If I cannot find the papers, can we go to see Harry Potter?” He doesn’t even like Harry Potter, I do. We are both going to individual counseling. I cannot live in this unstable relationship. I have gone though bouts of total despair and yes, I even attempted the big ‘S’. I real your advise on “Get out of jail free.” Thank you. My life is not over. I do not want to live with a man who doesn’t love me. If I do wind up divorced what do I get?—No one bitching about how many pair of shoes or clothes I have. No one to bitch if my purse is messy. No one to bitch because I spent to much on groceries even though it was my paycheck. I can eat at Arby’s or Subway. I can eat pizza. I can go camping or hiking or ride a bike. I do not have to apologize for breathing. I do not have to have someone next to me chewing their fingernails. Or playing the drums on the steering wheel. Or complaining about how difficult their life is.. I love this man and would have been together forever. I have absolutely no secrets from him- he has lived a marriage of constant lies for 30 years. I could not be unfaithful- not even emotionally. I know 50 was hard for him- but where does this leave me? For my 50th birthday I got a “Happy Birthday.” 50 was a massive milestone for me also! Well I’m not getting divorced- I’m getting out of jail free. Maybe he “still has deep feelings for me”
and we “might be able to be together in the future” but I’m going to make new friends, I’ve signed up for volunteer work and I’m going to find out who I am. I do believe there is a real woman under the wife and mother and I look forward to the journey of discovery. Perhaps we will find our way back to each other but it will have to be both parties making that trip- not just me and all my errors. Thank you for the new perspective: you have saved my life.

Thanks for sharing your reaction to my article and your story. I'm glad you are breaking free from this manipulative man. You deserve so much more. He is dangling you by a thread. You need to cut the tie and move on. I'm glad you're looking forward to the discovery of a life free of this kind of manipulation. It's important to be free of him for a while until you can get yourself back in balance and build your self esteem.

Good luck!

Dating Goddess
Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40
http://www.DatingGoddess.com