LifeTwo's 'Basics' Podcast, Episode 4: The Husband's Midlife Crisis

My husband is going through a midlife crisis right now. We have been told it is a biochemical shift in the brain. He has thought of and even filed for divorce, but then called and it is either on hold or cancelled. He says he is "unsettled." I am told to be patient, strong, and steady during this time. I am doing all those things and showing him affection, and love. I want my marriage to work, to last. There have been some infidelities on both of our parts, but I want to work through things, and have forgiven him for his. I read the Divorce Busting book, the chapter in there on his midlife crisis is excellent and I reread if often to help me through this time. I think it has been about 1 year so far. We were told it could last up to 2 to 2&1/2 years. I never know if he will come home one day and say he went ahead with the divorce. I know that the only thing I can be certain of, is that things are very uncertain.
I need to know what to say and/or do to help him gain trust in me again, even though it has been 5 years since I hurt him, if there is anything during a midlife crisis to help. I know that he is more sensitive to feeling feelings right now and that is why a lot of this has even come up, at least that is what I think. I know he didn't really deal with the anger back then, so it seems so much more severe now. I am looking for answers, but yet we are talking more and he is going to the doctor tomorrow to see about maybe getting on an anti-depressant or something. I am encouraged by that and that he has been willing to read some of the things I have read and is somewhat more open than most men I have read about going through the same thing. He is struggling, this I know and am being as understanding as I can about. He does have classic things such as feeling he loves me, but not "in love" with me right now, and wonders if he can ever meet my needs, or get back, plus he is scared when he feels feelings that he once felt, I know he is afraid I will hurt him again, what do I do?

i am going through the same thing! Was with my husband 21 years and when hen turned 50 he also asked for a divorce. Said he still loved me but he started frequenting topless bars and talking to women. He came back to me saying he loved me but can't help himself going to these places. He never in the past frequented such places. Any help would be helpful

Much like the post before me, my husband started acting like something was wrong but when approached, said there was nothing wrong. However, his actions said otherwise. Closer to his 49th birthday, he was just "different" and I knew something serious was brewing. We have been married almost 16 years and have 3 of our own children plus I have raised his son from another relationship (although never married). He finally broke the news to me over a phone conversation the day before spring break + sent me & the children away for 1 week; 1st time ever without him. Sent me txt message to see how the children were doing but when I said "will we be ok" his reply was "I don't know". He says he loves me but isn't sure if he is in love with me. He's purchased an expensive race car because the one in the garage just wasn't enough for him. He says the things that make me this wonderful person that I am, are the same things are my demise. He acts like nothing is wrong, has not spoken about divorce but maybe a possible seperation. I asked if we could go see a marriage counselor and he said "ok" but doesn't know if it's anything that can be fixed. He is not willing to talk about his feelings or what is going on in his head without first speaking to the councelor. He's had his first session, and I too seperately. We will see her this week for the 1st time together, and I am so hoping she can shed some light on us. I realize this is infact a midlife crisis however when I told him the symptoms and if he felt he might see himself in it, he laughed at me. When the councelor told him herself, he replied by saying .."thats what my wife said". So far we are still in the same house, but I find it so very difficult to put on a happy face for the children, and I find I can not function at work. I only work contract work, so I'm ready to give it up just so that I can be at home. I want to start taking care of me, but there are times, I barely feel like getting out of bed or doing household chores! If it weren't for the children, I would have surely fallen to pieces worse than I already have. I thank God for the 2 friends that I have confided in and help me and listen to me unconditionally. My family is struggling with what's going on and watching me fall to pieces. His family is trying to be supportive too, his mother sees what's going on and understands it as she herself has gone through soemthing like this. Her's luckily was only a few months. I'm scared to death and I have been realistic in my mind that this could go either way. I have consulted a lawyer just so that I know my rights so that if it goes the other way, I will be aware of what's going on. I also find he has made a few attempts at initiating intimacy but I've noticed there seems to be a problem with "performance". Could this be that he doesn't find me stimulating any more, or could this be another issue encompassing Midlife crisis? I guess time will tell. So far, I don't feel in my heart there is another woman and I have asked but he tells me no. So for now, I will go along with this answer. I love him, but am not sure I can withstand life in limbo for a long period of time. This truly will make us or break us.

married 18 years 4 kids. I love this man with all my heart, he has always been good to me and supported me. He was my best friend we did everything together. When he was was 43 he had a midlife crisis had one business and was starting another business, he started doing drugs and ended up in a behavior center, when it was time for him to come out he didn't come home he went to the arms of another women who threw her husband out. This was devastating nd very painful.My husband filed bankruptcy and i ended up with very little to support myself and the kids. I found work and lived in poverty for the next 9 months. through the months, he would call and say how sorry he was and wanted to come home. I decided to let him. It was hard at first but we managed to get through 8 years and they were good. Now he is 53 and the economy hit us hard we had to downsize and he had to sell his company. He is angry and non affectionate, I ask begged him to go to marriage counseling he wont.I told him to go for him and he finally did. I thought everything would be okay but he started overdosing on his meds and tried 2 attempts of suicide and was not successful. When we finally did get to the marriage counselor He threatened suicide in the marriage counselors office and she committed him to the behavior center. The center kept him for 7 days. He is home and is still acting depressed and started having sex with me every night, but its like he really isnt in to it, I think he is only doing this to prolong making a decision on leaving. He started talking about separation and leaving last year and how unhappy he was and that he is a failure and how much he was in debt. I passed it off as financial crisis, But after selling his business and house he has plenty of money and money is no longer the problem. He has anxiety issues and is on wellbutrin 450 mg. I am so tired of giving and giving and not getting the love I need. I feel like any day he will come home and pack his bags. He does not know what he wants. Its like he is a different person. He no longer goes out of his way with cards or gifts flowers ect. He just gets by with a few calls during the day and a kiss in the morning and at night.He shows more affection to our children than he does me. It hurts and makes you feel like there is something wrong with you. I now go to counseling. I do not know what will happen. The counselor said that marriage counseling is out of the question for now, Until my husband is stable. In the meantime I just wait hoping that God with save my marriage. I do not want to be without my husband and want to help. I just feel as if everything I have tried, Patience, church, marriage self help books, Counsel, cards, surprises all is a waste of time. He said I was trying to hard. When I do not try or show affection, he says I don't care about him. I am Damned if I do and Damned is I don't. I think I will lose my mind.