MLC or Just fallen out of love

My advise would be to treat her as an adult while she is acting out like a child. Just tell her you are willing to give her all the space she needs to re-evaluate her life...so it would be better if she can go away...but that she needs to STAY away until she has figured it out. Be strong. This will speed up change...hopefully for better. I think she loves you, just is gotten confused and like a child, thinks she can have it both ways -but this is obviously hurting the relationship. Good luck!

Why don't you try cooking dinner or get groceries every once in a while! This is a prime example of why women go through a MLC...

How about romancing her?

There's a great book out along the lines of why should I be the first to change. Might be worth a look.

Also, what is Second Life?

All the best

Second life is often used as an escape.
I know this because I play it often when I'm upset, and know alot of other who do, too.

She is probably not quite sure of what to do with her life at this point in time, or overwhelmed with depression.

Give it some time, and dont give up on her.

She wouldn't be the first to be addicted to a virtual world though I haven't heard it happening with Second Life. People who are addicted to online games can exhibit many of the characteristics you listed. Some don't even want to get offline to eat or go to the bathroom.

over a month ago my husband of 29 years up and left. He stated that he was unhappy and wanted a divorce. I talked him into marriage counseling. He attended 2 session then filed for divorce. He is living in an apartment now. He will not talk with me. I am not sure what I am to do but go through with the divorce. I think he is having as MLC.

Sad story. Other than what you wrote are there things that he has said or done that makes you think it's a midlife crisis?

I am so sorry to hear your story. My husband blind-sided me at work and sent an email asking for a separation after being together 10 years. The difference is that he is willing to talk and tell me all the things that I'm doing to make him unhappy. Some are true events others it's like he's grasping to make sense of his decision. If your husband has no interest in making the marriage work - what are you to do? Perhaps give him time to realize that living alone in a dinky apartment isn't going to bring him the "something" that he's looking for? How long has he lived away from you? Are you willing to give him time? I am so hurt by my husband that I don't know how much time I can continue like this but I am only 32. I wish you happiness.

"...grasping to make sense of his decision."

I think you have pointed out one of the most challenging aspects of these types of situations. It's one thing when someone lists legitimate issues or things you are doing that could be improved. Since they are real they can be addressed. And you can have a better conversation because you can concur with them.

However when it gets to grasping or things you are doing wrong it really tests the mettle and determination to just listen. It feels like they are just piling on for the sake of piling on or just trying to justify a decision they made. Plus it's hard to agree with someone's imagined gripes and harder to resolve to change them so the conversations tend to be tougher. That is yet another reason so many suggest just listening during these types of conversations and not trying to fix everything right then. It's not about winning the argument. Instead it is about a process, part of which is letting them talk, talk and talk some more.

i sympathize with this situation. some husbands think they have to have what they want to be free, have a girl and all because when he was younger they had a difficult life and now that he has prospered he should just catch up with that which he missed in his life doing.-sugargrow

My husband told me he loves me enough that he would give me his last breath and die, but he is not in love with me. He says things that are hurtful sometimes, but he is affectionate and attentative, his actions are very different from his words. We've been married for 16 years and have 3 children, he is the only one working (self-employed)and the bills are piling up. I think his feelings are because of the stresses or mid-life crisis but he say no. What do you think?

I'm curious know, if not mid-life crisis then why does it seem that these people always feel that way (falling out of love) at 40

"I think his feelings are because of the stresses or mid-life crisis but he say no."

Try to get him to talk and just listen. Avoid rushing in to provide solutions or answers. Does he talk about the bills, life stresses, mortality, getting old, etc.?

Midlife Crisis is not like a virus where you have it or you don't. It's more of an umbrella term to describe a phase that can happen in midlife. It has a variety of triggers and can lead to a variety of behaviors...acting out, confusion, apathy, anger, substance abuse, etc. Complicating this is that depression can be part of this. Plus someone can be depressed and it is nothing to do with a classic midlife crisis. (If you haven't already done so, try reading this collection of posts on midlife crisis)

One of the reasons people like to try and label midlife crisis is that it is then easier for them to understand what is happening to themselves or their spouse. Then you can look at going, 'this is the midlife crisis talking, not the true them.'

We know how frustrating it is. The single best thing you can do in situations like this (other than taking care of yourself which should always be concern #1) is to create an environment where your husband feels comfortable talking, talking and talking more. It is possible that he has no idea what is going on either and if he feels comfortable opening you perhaps you can find out together.

I'm very sorry you are having to go through this. Not that this will be any comfort but you can see a lot of folks are going through similar experiences.

I found it interesting that the article on the home page about marriage counseling talked about a "rough spot" at 18 or so years.

I'm currently producing a piece of drama around second life and addiction to virtual worlds. What are the main symptoms of this and can it be treated or is there any kind of rehabilitation for it?

Just guessing but addiction to Second Life could be the result of a multitude of factors. First would be something comparable to people who become addicted to video games like "World of Warcraft". There have been many studies and reports on the how's and why's of such addiction and I remember reading about people who've screwed up their "real" lives because they were unable to stop going online and playing various virtual role playing games.

A completely different issue would be the sex/fantasy/virtual-infidelity aspect of some online players. For example, a person who uses Second Life to escape from an unhappy relationship by going online where they can basically live a completely different life.

I'm 29...and I think I'm freaking out. I've been married for 8 yrs, no children. I feel like my husband is my best friend. We are a lot a like, we enjoy the same things, want the same things....and yet I feel empty. Missing something. We've been to counseling, several times...he has a problem with Anger Management...not physical abuse here---but mental, verbal, emotional...He is this great guy in public and many, many people love him...but behind the scenes he can be very ugly, and verbally insane...in public low under his breath so oneone else can hear but me...he says hateful things and it feels like a million silent paper cuts that noone can see but me and it makes me feel so hurt, angry, frustrated. I use to fight with him constantly for years every time he had an "episode"..but now I just am quiet when he has an "episode" and in my quietness I am secretely wishing he would just leave...or I would just get the courage to go. I love him, but emotionally I feel drained and am wishing to just move on with my life. We are missing a passionate connection, I recently told him all this and he is trying to do things to make it better....even seeking help on his own this time. But I am at a point where I feel like what if he does suceed at being the man I need him to be...but it's too late, and I'm done...because right now I feel as though I am DONE.

I love him, but I would rather be unhappy by myself than unhappy in my own home at this point...It hurts to think about leaving and our yrs we've spent together. I feel as though maybe we've givin it our best but maybe it's time to move on...I am freaking out here....is this normal...the last counselor we had said this was the 7 yr itch.....no it's not.

I've felt this way for years now...it's just come to a head lately for me, maybe because I'm going to be 30 this year...and I asked myself do I want to keep living this way for 8 more yrs?...10 more? One answer is no, I'm ready to let go and move on...the second is...would I be making a mistake, is the grass greener out there, or just astro-turf?...

A friend asked me why I say...I said my vows...this is the for better or worse part right?....

Maybe I'm being selfish...he begged me not to give up on us, he apologized said he wants to do better, give him another try... So here I am letting him "try"...but I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm just setting him up for failure. In knowing him for the past 8 yrs he can do good with us, but not for a long period of time and it's only a short period of time before he slips into his modes again...so what?...I wait until he slips up and then WHAM!...leave him?...

I don't know wwhat to do...praying, talking, seeking answers, but thay allude me...

Whatever you decide to do, I don't see anything in your post that indicates midlife crisis. You appear to be dealing with relationship issues, and abusive ones at that.

Whatever happens professional counseling and involvement is highly, highly recommended. !

Sounds hard. Frustrating, confusing. Especially about the "short period of time before slipping back into old modes..." I think keeping a professional involved for outside perspective is important, whichever direction you decide to go.

Hello, I have posted a few times under confused, lonely and isolated. My husband I believe is in a midlife crisis, he is questioning everything? Particularly our relationship after 17 years. He just works and stays on computer all night, this has been on going for some time.

We went to a counsellor yesterday which I think is a positive. He has been sleeping in one of the children's room for two weeks as to not cause me anymore pain, he is unable to attach himself to me physically or emotionally and I get that due to the inner turmoil. My question is what type of counsellor is best? The man we saw yesterday I feel is calm and good listener. We went seperate so it was mostly just an intro for my hb. There has really been no feedback as of yet. Although we did find out he was married until 39 and now remarried for 17 years, he is dr in psychology and has an extensive background. My hb found it funny that he was divorced and I suggested we might find another after I have unloaded twice to this guy. But I am willing of course. My hb tells me I do not need to go because this is not me it is him. I believe I should so I can get coping skills. I think this is all a positive but I am just so confused. Is there some questions I should be asking counsellor that ensures I am getting a good one that can help us. Any suggestions are welcome.

Thanks confused, lonely and isolated

I feel I need to re-evaluate my life and everything in it. Unfortunately, I feel trapped because I am a stay at home mom with young kids and the burden of uprooting everything, finding a job, day care, a place to live is just too much. I do have earning potential but it has been a LONG time since I have been "out there". My life is easy now except for the fact that my husband no longer finds me exciting or interesting and tells me every few days that he is just sticking it out temporarily and is pretty much "done" with the whole marraige thing and me. I'm really fighting for him but I really don't know if I even still love him. I've put up with his egomaniac, self-centered ways for so long, I don't even know what is acceptable anymore. I had a very breif but strong emotional affair that started to turn physical until my husband cut us off and shut him out of my life. I have a lot of resentment for not being able to end it on my terms or saying good bye (need closure!!) but I know in time I will get over that (I hope). My question is, how can I determine if this is worth fighting for? On the surface, he has provided for a great life and we always have fun together when we are around others. When we are alone, I feel like we have no connection at all and that he would rather be anywhere else. I want to have some control instead of just waiting for my husband to decide if he can stay with me or not. I want to stand up for myself but I'm so confused about where my life is headed and what I want I just can't figure anything out. I feel paralyzed. He says he thinks things will be fine as soon as I get over this "silly freak-out stage" I am going through. Please help.

You should register, eh? I know about feeling trapped by economic circumstances. I once said to my husband, "If I had money, what would I need you for?" And that was pretty hateful. And my life is easy too. I take care of the house and kids, and I work hard to keep communication open and to solve problems. I volunteer and do art. That's a cliche, I know. Homemaker has time to pursue art. I don't even need others to condescend about that--I do it to myself.

The route I'm taking to try and rise above all this is to study. I'm learning so much about how the ego works. It is based on two things: fear, and "not enough." It can sound positive, like when you want to go on a diet and lose weight. If you lose the weight, you'll be a success, and that will be evidence that you're okay. Every day you plan your meals and you do your workout, you're "on track." Every day you eat off-plan or don't work out, you're "off track" and not okay. But the thing is, your ego is something you've invented yourself.

Egos take their messages from the wider world, such as how you should look, how much you should earn, what love should feel like, and what your kids should do. They work on the fear that if your life isn't like that, you're a misfit.

Also, there's always something you should have done that you didn't, or something you did that you shouldn't have. That's ego-level thinking.

I get the same thought going over and over. "I should feel happier right now but I don't." It spirals all around and down until it's like a little pin hole, and then I want to cry.

I don't know how you can determine if your marriage is worth fighting for, other than saying, where will this thinking lead you and what effect will it have on your children?

My mom and dad had a horrible marriage. My mom and dad treated each other badly. Still, he stayed and they have good times and bad ones. But to this day I'm so glad my dad stayed. I realize he had his ego wounded and so did my mom, and it just meant a lot that they stayed in their marital bond. But when I was in my twenties I often thought they should get a divorce and find someone easier to live with. Now I feel like this is how much I meant to him, that he stayed with my mother.

I hope you can begin to find new avenues that you might not have thought of before. I'm not saying I know of any particular ones, and yet I think you have power in you to decide what is best for yourself.

I am afraid to get a job because I love my freedom and I'm afraid a job will take it away. I'm not sure if a job is really the fix for my trapped feeling, either. I've been in teaching and found that people really drain my energy. I'm talking to people who own a plant nursery and think maybe working with my hands would be great. I'm going to make some goats' milk soap to sell, and maybe after that I'll make incense. I love that stuff.

I hope to hear from you some more!

My wife is leaving England to return to the States to her family. We have been married for 5 years with no bust-ups. There have been no affairs I have given her everything and even supported her when she gave up her job. We have a good quality of life but have not had children yet. She came back from a 3-week holiday back home and told me that she wanted a seperation.

Is this a MLC, will she come back to the marriage or is the marriage over. She tells me that there is a 50:50 chance of the marriage working. I am so confused, I haven't done anything wrong she just tells me that she still loves me, has emotions for me but no passion.

What do I do - simply let her go and give her time and space and when she wants to talk let her contact me rather than me 'chase' her.

When she gets back to the states and starts dealing with the realities of life and not just be on holiday will she realise that life in the marriage was actually pretty good and that she has a loving husband in the UK that is here for her.

This is really hard at the moment but should I start living a single life but minus dating and wait to see if she makes contact?

I'd be grateful for any advice.

"Is this a MLC, will she come back to the marriage or is the marriage over. She tells me that there is a 50:50 chance of the marriage working. I am so confused, I haven't done anything wrong she just tells me that she still loves me, has emotions for me but no passion."

First off, we feel for your situation and the pain you are feeling. I wish we could give you specific answers for your questions but there are none but the good news is that we do have some specific advice. 1) Tap your personal support network of friends and family. Helping those in pain is what friends and family do best. 2) Research all you can about MLC (starting here). No one can say what is going on in your wife's head but you should find comfort in finding out as much as you can. 3) Read the stories in this discussion group and you will see you are far from alone. 4) Take care of your health. Eating properly, getting sleep, and exercise might be the furthest things from your mind right now but as weeks turn into months you should not allow your own personal health to fall to the wayside. 5) Do not discount professional help if you feel that you could benefit from it.

Also, you asked if you should start living a "single life"? To me this sounds a bit pre-mature. You are married and even though your wife is moving out she has said that there is a 50/50 chance of working things out. While we don't know if she really means this (and she might not even know) it's hard to imagine those odds would be improved by her hearing from friends reporting back to her that you are out on the dating scene.

Once again, sorry to hear about your situation, please keep sharing and posting as your thoughts will help others going through the same thing.

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Hi, you will be okay. They say it is escape, but my husband does the same to me. First he becomae dishonest, stealing medication I needed, he won't budget, help run the household properly, steals, lies, and we went six months without he taking me to do laundry. I am sick of him. he is self centered, and is seeking for us to move, a blessing, because then I will have transportation, and can be me again. It has gotten so bad I am rebelling. I don't care what he thinks, I am taking better care of me, I won't put up with his lies, gettin g us in financial trouble, I am three years from a masters, and am improving and leaving when we move....too bad, I have tried helping him, It is okay for him to get mad, and all, he won't help pack, he does not care if I have no food, I cant wait.....Mary beth tazzywhirlywoman@gmail.com Good luck email me if you want to talk, we are in same situations, I am sorry you are hurting.,

Well it's been 3-weeks and whilst I promised not to 'chase' the only form of contact I have had from my wife is a quick 2-3 minute phone conversation that felt somewhat fake and unemotional.

To say that I am dissapointed in the way things are going is putting it mildy. It's also kinda sad as well because my feeling now is that the 'kind words' that were said before departure were from guilt without any real meaning.

So where am I today? Physically I'm in good shape, I've become very close friends with my local gym. I have resisted hitting the bottle - though I have had a couple of blow-outs with close friends which has helped me get back on the social ladder so to speak - life has to go on ;-)

I have made a few cosmetic changes at home - nothing major as I didn't want to depart my comfort zone but enough to make the house a bit more personal to 'me' as opposed to 'us'. Talking of the house, my best friends encouraged me to get a house mate - they said that the company would do me good especially if it was a female as that would encourage me to engage females in social conversation which would be good from increasing my social base but also from a rebuilding one's self-confidence perspective. So what hell, my housemate moves in next week - I am nervous but I know this will help the healing process.

I bought a fantastic book to help me put things into perspective, its the 'starting over' book by the same author as Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

Anyhow, I still have my low moments but thankfully the tears have now stopped. I still get a little angry with the sense of betrayal that I feel but I am working on turning that anger into forgiveness - once I can forgive then I can move on to finding a better love.

Hope this helps - stay strong and be good to yourselves ;-)

My husband and I believe his father is going through a MLC. He's 59 and just recenty decided he no longer wanted to be married to his wife of 35 years. It was not obvious to us then, but this all started months ago. Then this past August he told my mother in law he no longer wanted to be married. He claims he is not cheating but the signs are there (he's secretive, got a new cell phone, and there are mysterious charges on his credit cards). However, the sad part of this situation is that he no longer wants any contact with his family (except his younger son and my husband's only brother). He has disowned my husband and our children. This is having an effect on my son, who was very close with his grandfather and my 3 year old questions where poppy is. On top of that, my husband found out that his father told his brother not to give my husband his cell phone number because he wants nothing to do with him. We are trying to make sense of this and at this point we cannot. We understand that he no longer wants to be married but why abandon his son and granchildren?

Two Boots, Have you ever considered that your wife may be having an affair. Im a licensed Private Investigator and that story sounds very familiar to me.. as I hear it often down to the last detail.

You may want surviellance to find out exactly what is or isnt going on. She may be in a MLC, and when a spouse asks for a divorce its usually not a game.

Protect your self and plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Bobbi Bacha, PI Blue Moon Investigations, Security and Protection www.pibluemoon.com (281) 332-1622

He sounds alot like my husband...only we had children. As they got older, the anger was directed at them. We have been married 22 years and I have heard all of the promises and more. Maybe your guy can and will change, but mine didn't. Now at 42, I am scared to start over....I wish I had left sooner. I hope you work it out one way or another. Just don't wake up 10 years from now wishing you had done something sooner, also.

I totally agree Wesley!! It is so hard to even converse about imagined gripes and contradicted conversations... it is so irritating!! I'm always, saying... you just contradicted yourself again... he jumps onto another subject.... I wish he would just leave... he says he doesn't want a divorce but what do his actions say, I have responded to some of your other topics... I think when he jumped into our pool and threw me out of it at 90 pounds it should have ended then, but he blames it on drinking... and says he hasn't physically hurt me in this many years he won't again... I called the police, but they came in and saw my sister and thought all was ok... I had a broken rib... all was NOT ok.... He has mentally abused me and manipulated me for our entire marriage.

Feliciti -

Love all, do wrong to none, trust few.....