Midlife Crisis Mug Wamps

Who would have thought that life could pile up here where it did? I certainly didn’t and neither did you; but here we are in the middle of it.

I know that my life was really quite ordered with just enough hope and vision to balance out the structure – then this. And even though I know on some level that I am successful and achieved much there seemed to be a nagging sense of failure that just didn’t go away. Then I discovered that my wife and life-partner and I were really not going the same direction anymore either. I think I assumed that we were because we had built house and home together, made radical ‘distance’ moves for our work and even sacrificed a lot together to get to the place we were. Yet it also seemed that we stopped making connection together and I don’t think either of us knew why.

I traveled a lot in my work – I think “City a Night” sung by Jim Morrison was written for me. My wife and I both have children from previous marriages. By age 45 though they were all grown except one - my son aged 12 that lives with his mother.

The odd thing about midlife transition though is it seems to catch us completely off guard and even perhaps in denial that such-a-thing could ever happen to me. There is an element of “sadness” that comes along with it that I sometimes have a difficulty describing as “depression” – likely because we men manage depression so differently than the female of our species. Yet this “discontent sadness” even when it goes low-grade makes us vulnerable to many things that we otherwise wouldn’t do. It becomes almost like a screen-play where we may alter the character and take on an alternate part/role. We hide it away from our wife or close friends until eventually it becomes a persona that we exemplify and eventually wonder if this has really become “me” or “this is who I have become”.

Is this normal? Well, yes it is for a man in midlife transition.

This “persona” becomes so intertwined with our lives that to fantasize about a different life from what we now have is really normal in the process. It will rewrite our marriage history within the context of our “unhappiness” and even convince us that what we have had to date has all been “unhappy”.

The thing is this is all the process and manifestation of midlife male depression. Terrence Real calls this “covert depression” and says “You don’t see the depression itself but the defensive maneuvers men use to evade or assuage it”.

This is so different from “female depression” and the differences are really clear when we compare a male from a female. I will list them from my website so you can see and compare.

Female: Blame themselves Male: Feel others are to blame

Female: Feel sad, apathetic, and worthless Male: Feel angry, irritable, and ego inflated

Female: Feel anxious and scared Male: Feel suspicious and guarded

Female: Avoids conflicts at all costs Male: Creates conflicts

Female: Always tries to be nice Male: Overtly or covertly hostile

Female: Withdraws when feeling hurt Male: Attacks when feeling hurt

Female: Has trouble with self respect Male: Demands respect from other

Female: Feels they were born to fail Male: Feels the world set them up to fail

Female: Slowed down and nervous Male: Restless and agitated

Female: Chronic procrastinator Male: Compulsive time keeper

Female: Sleeps too much Male: Sleeps too little

Female: Trouble setting boundaries Male: Needs control at all costs

Female: Feels guilty for what they do Male: Feels ashamed for who they are

Female: Uncomfortable receiving praise Male: Frustrated if not praised enough

Female: Finds it easy to talk about weaknesses and doubts Male: Terrified to talk about weaknesses and doubts

Female: Strong fear of success Male: Strong fear of failure

Female: Needs to "blend in" to feel safe Male: Needs to be "top dog" to feel safe

Female: Uses food, friends, and "love" to self-medicate Male: Uses alcohol, TV, sports, and sex to self medicate

Female: Believe their problems could be solved only if they could be a better (spouse, co-worker, parent, friend) Male: Believe their problems could be solved only if their (spouse, co-worker, parent, friend) would treat them better

Female: Constantly wonder, "Am I loveable enough?" Male: Constantly wonder, "Am I being loved enough?"

The thing is, that when we men enter midlife and begin the normal process of reappraisal of our lives to date this element of sadness appears, goes low-grade, and won’t go away until we work things out. We need to look at our lives and a lot of times it does not look pretty in either our past our in our future. The objective of this midlife appraisal is to settle long term issues from the past and to make midcourse corrections for our future.

Everything goes under reappraisal including our life-choices of career, location, lifestyle, and even who we married. This is the first “task” of midlife transition.

The next thing that gets introduced at midlife is “feelings”. Until now, although we had them, we never gave “feelings” any mind. We were busy; consumed with goals and achievements in life and career, making our mark in the world, and building our home. Then this! Midlife occurs and “feelings” get added to the mix of what already have become our frustrating forties.

Suddenly we find ourselves vulnerable in areas we never thought possible before. Men that go into “midlife crisis” over all of this are really just proud men that are afraid to let any of this show. We cover it up with acts of bravado, alcohol, a change in lifestyle, gambling, risk taking, and even womanizing because we also become vulnerable to flirtations and affairs. A man in midlife crisis is really only a man that is dragging his feet through “midlife transition”. He will still need to face his transition some day but many men that do also find themselves at the bottom of life when they do. They will have wasted their wealth, tarnished their legacy, broken their marriages, torn apart families, and even have become alcoholics in need of a lot of repair. They become the cliché of the midlife man sitting on a barstool holding a tattered photo album of the days he thought were so unhappy. ---We don’t want to go there!

“Feelings” enter the mix at midlife because of the third task that we must face down at midlife transition. The third task is to balance the “polarities” that are a cause of deep division in our lives. These Polarities are rivals that I fondly call MugWamps and this is how these duels work matters out:

Duo #1 - Sir Old and Sir Young

Sir Old is aware of the frailty of life and the ever-present prospect of death. He can be both wise and senile. At midlife, Sir Young and Sir Old must learn to cooperate more fully. If Sir Old dominates, a man may experience an early death of his soul as he becomes increasingly self centered, apathetic, passive, and protective. If Sir Young dominates, you can count on nose rings, a life of irresponsibility, and a new marriage to a nineteen year old Baywatch Babe with a degree in toenail design. By working together, however, they may be able to create a legacy during their fifties and sixties that will benefit themselves, their family, and the world around them.

Duo #2 – Sir Creative and Sir Destructive

We also have creative and destructive sides. Our creative voice gives birth to that which is new and life giving. This “knight” is noble, kind, and altruistic. He hopes for the best in others. He looks for a silver lining under every cloud. He stands for truth and justice and courageously reaches out to defend the rights of others.

Pitted against Sir Creative is Sir Destructive. This person is dressed like Darth Vader. He is the voice of denial, darkness, and desolation. He sees himself as the victim of other people’s aggressions and he responds in kind. He is self-focused and self-promoting. At midlife a man must reexamine the harm done to him by parents, school mates, or coworkers and resolve those feelings. At the same time, we must come to grips with the fact that we are more than just victims. We are also villains. If we can learn to listen to Sir Destruction, we may gain a deeper sense that life is often a tragedy.

Duo #3 - Sir Masculine and Maid Feminine

Now two other important MugWamps that we need to talk about are Sir Masculine and Maid Feminine. Sir Masculine makes himself known in the late teens. He lives in the left side of the head. He pumps iron, works very hard, and is a responsibly ambitious ladder climber. He is the leader who brings home the bacon. He is a builder who gets things done. His objective is to maintain control at all times. If he had his way, your head would be a football locker room. At midlife, another MugWamp emerges. She was there all the time. Most men, however, keep her locked in the back room. Her name is Maid Feminine. The first time she shows up, Sir Masculine says, “How in the Helldid you get into my house.” To which Maid Feminine replies, “I’m your Y chromosome, buddy. Get ready for some big changes. Rather than beat my opponents senseless, I look for ways to cooperate. I cry, I enjoy romance, and I am pregnant with creative ideas. Clean up your socks, buddy!”

Deep down Sir Masculine is terrified of Maid Feminine. However, if a man is to learn how to be a mentor to those younger than himself, if he is to leave a legacy for his children, and if he is to give birth to some new creative work, he must learn to more fully integrate the masculine and feminine voices within his head.

Duo #4 - Sir Attachment and Sir Separateness

The last two MugWamps are Sir Attachment and Sir Separateness. Sir Attachment strives to connect with the environment. As I said earlier, during the twenties and thirties, a man must work very hard to put down roots, prove himself in his job, and provide for his family. He must focus on the needs of others and the world outside.

Self nurture requires one to detach - to be separate for a time. Meditation and reflection become increasingly important to a person at midlife. Sir Separateness is the defender of our souls. It is especially important for your creative types to pay attention to the balance of these two MugWamps. Creativity requires solitude. If a person is to make a contribution beyond midlife, he must place less value on possessions, rewards, and social approval. He must learn to draw upon inner resources and be less dependent upon external stimulation.