Forum: The Topic is Divorce; tell us your story

My boyfriend (once fiance) got divorced after 5 years of marriage. His wife left him after many years of fighting and unhappiness. I am having a hard time understanding why he can be so "normal" one day and the next day blowing off plans to get wasted at a bar with his buddies. He is usually very sweet and responsable but then he will go out with friends and get Wasted. We were engaged and then I could tell he was feelign to much pressure so we called off the wedding took 2 months apart and now we are back together with no wedding plans. We he gets drunk he always gets rude to me and then apologies saying he just doesn't want to feel like anyone has any control over his life, he want's to do what he wants when he wants. Do you think this could be mid life crisis?

Without a lot more information it would be impossible to make that determination plus it is not our place to do so. You are right to not accept the status quo and seek help. With regard to your specific question, here is a link to a story about the different types of midlife crises that might help you. Based on what you have written you may want to consider counseling, either for both of you or if he won't go you may want to go by yourself. Good luck and let us know what happens.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

AFTER 21+ YEARS SHE MEETS SOMEONE FOR A WEEK AND SUDDENELY HAS FEELINGS FOR HIM AND NOW ONE MONTH LATER WANTS A DIVORCE,TWO WEEKS LATER MOVES OUT AND FILES FOR DIVORCE IN THE PAST 5 MONTHS HAS DROVE 300+ MILES TO STAY SEVERAL LONG WEEKENDS WITH HIM. I NEVER HEARD A WORD OUT OF HER ABOUT BEING UNHAPPY UNTIL THEY MET,SEEMS LIKE TURNING 40, EMPTY NEST AND WHATEVER ELSE GOT THE BEST OF HER. I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT DO WHAT SHE ASKS AND TELL HER THAT I MISS HER AND WANT A CHANCE TO WORK IT OUT,AND ALL SHE CAN SAY IS ITS TOO LATE FOR THAT. UNFOURTANELY THE TRUST AND RESPECT ARE FADING FAST BUT THE LOVE AND CARING CONTINUES WHAT WILL SHE DO ????

I cannot think of anything more devastating. Coming out of the blue like that. You can't control what she is going to do. I am impressed at your hanging in. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. She may "see the light" of whatever she is going through or she may not. Don't go alone in this - get help by having someone you feel good about and trust be there for you to vent and strategize. Another ear can really help. This is hell. But hang in - it will change and it will not always be like this.

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www.thedisquiet.com
Helping men who feel something missing in their lives

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I'm a 51 year old male married for 25 years. My children are grown; 22 and 25 and live out of the house. I've been faitful until 3 years ago when I met a wonderful South American woman. Shortly after our affair began, she divorced her husband of 20 years and has never been happier. Many of her friends are divorced and seem to live life to the fullest, going out often, dancing, drinking etc. This woman is a doctor and very bright. Her and her friends are all encouraging me to divorce, not only so I'd spend more time with my friend in South America, but becuse they know I'm not happy.

My married life is not bad, but stale. The first 15 years of marriage were very tough, but I hung in there, determined to make the marriage work and raise two wonderful children. I think I did all that quiet well. I'm looking at the rest of my life and feeling time is running out.

Now I'm on the verge of asking for a divorce, but scared to death of what it would do to my wife and the negativity it will bring from our families and friends. I have a good relationhip with her family, and my family looks at us as the example of a good marriage and the one all depend upon.
But I'm not happy. At least , I think I'm not. IS life better on the other side? Will I hurt too many people in the process of leaving my wife?

Just my 2 cents but before throwing away 25 years of marriage, shouldn't you try marriage counseling? I'm sure that there are many things that a good counselor could try to fix what's broken without blowing it up. While I understand the comment about the "feeling that time is running out", the feelings of regret that might result may never go away and tarnish the greener grass that you seek.

Here's an article that you might want to read: "Divorce Often Doesn't Make People Happier ... Sometimes Staying Together Does".

I think you should also work on getting your hands around what is making you feel that you aren't happy (or might not be happy). Your feelings might have little to do with your marriage. Just a thought.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

I was divorced after being married 24 years. We had one daughter who is now 21 and away at college. I left the whole thing behind, my home, all my things, and moved in to a home with my mother and daughter, she had just graduated from high school than. My ex-husband was abusive and a heavy alcoholic. He was a real treat to live with, but you know what????? It was way better than what has happened since I have left.

I am seeing that I was happier being married, even if he was an abusive man. I know many people say, how can that me. First off let me tell you, I HATE BEING SINGLE AND ALONE. I have been alone now for over just 6 years and it has been a worst kind of hell than I ever imagined. I have tons of friends whom are divorced but they all have found love, none them are alone still.

I am a counselor at a shelter, so I know all the psychological babble about loving yourself and being happy alone with yourself. That is great advice for some, but I have been alone and it sucks.

I HATE DATING, don’t know why, never been asked out, NEVER even come close to being asked out.

Do I meet tons people, yes I do, and all say I am a nice person, but I am 48, and men are not interested, or if they are they want sex. Although, I have nothing to worry about men wanting anything from me. I know that I will end up like my mother alone, with my some kind of small animal for company.

I hate working for a living supporting myself, although I did that for 24 years, I worked all though the marriage. I guess I am the poster child for a loser women in America. To even say I don’t want a career, I don’t want to have any of that, does that makes me what, crazy. I have a career, if I won the lottery tomorrow I would never work again. I am not lazy, it just that I am sick of it all.

I know many will say it is your attitude, but I was not always thinking like this. I had some kind hope that after 6 years I might adjust, but I find everyday a living hell. I have thought of ending it all, many times, and wonder what the point is. I do have a daughter in college, and yes she now has her own life. So I live a miserable life so maybe two times out of the year I see her. Not sure if that is worth it. Hobbies, when I have time for them they are nice, but also they cost some money, plus my job is extremely demanding, I work with adolescence offenders, so I work long hours and on call all the time. So it is not like I am home watching soap operas, and not leaving the house.

To be honest that sounds really good about now. I know most people don’t agree with what I feel, but this is how I feel and maybe someone out there has had similar experience as mine. I have found not too many people after 6 years still alone with no one, or not even a date. I read that middle age women and older don’t marry as often as the younger girls, and it showed some kind of statistic and it really got me depressed.

Oh well, had to just shout this out, I wish I never gotten the divorce or walked out.

My husband of 16 years is having a midlife crisis and he is divorcing me because he is having an affair for a girl 10 years younger than I am. We had a wonderful marriage and he had been happy until she came along and used his state of mind to take him away because she is not happy in her marriage and divorcing her husband. I am in hell, I love my husband and I know he will hurt himself badly because she does not care about him the way I do. Try to work things out with your wife, find out why you feel the way you do. Your wife deserves to know you are not happy! Marriage counseling helps, but in my case, my husband rejected it.

I have been married to my husband for 16 years, he is 39 and I am 37. We have had a good marriage and he has been a wonderful husband to me. Earlier this year, he started manifesting midlife-crisis behavior. This co-worker of his had been pursuing him for a while and unfortunately for me, he decided to leave me for her. She is 27 years-old and he dresses and does things that an 18-year-old would do to please her. No one recognizes him; it's like he is a different person! He said that he loves me but that he is not in love with me anymore. He is divorcing me and plans to marry the girl who shamelessly has been seeking to get him so that she can have a caring and empathetic guy to go with since she is divorcing her own husband with whom she is not happy. She already is contrlling him and expects a royal lifestyle except my husband makes half the money her husband makes. He is already planning to spend a lot of money on an engagement ring and he takes her to expensive restaurants and expensive entertainment. He is hurting me so badly because he treats me coldly and he manipulates me with affection he shows me. I understand the midlife crisis and the depression he is suffering from. He self-medicates by running 3 miles a day and the sex he has with her. I love my husband deeply and I have to let him go. I realized that the divorce is a protection for me because when he wakes up, he will be in trouble and she will be gone with the $5,000 engagement ring. After speaking with experts on marriage and affairs, I can see how this relationship will end in failure and financial ruin for him. I decided to wait and see what happens to him while going into what I am calling "hibernation", basically living my life and taking care of myself until he wakes up from his illusive situation. I want to wait and see what happens so that I can be there when he will need my help. People have been discouraging me to wait and see and claim I would be better off dumping him and move on to someone else. I just can't do that. I want him back and I know he needs medical help and psychotherapy because of issues that are resurfacing from his adolescence to which he is reverting right now. Do you think it is ridiculous to want to wait and see what he does? Do you think it is too self-sacrificing despite the love I have for him?

Wow. It seems like we are married to the same man. My husband is contemplating moving in with the other woman. I completely understand your desire to wait and see. I highly recommend a website called Midlife Dimensions (www.midlife.com). If you haven't already looked at it, check it out. You will find lots of support there from people who are going through exactly your situation, and who want to wait it out. You aren't being too self-sacrificing; you are loving your husband unconditionally. It takes an amazing person to do that. Your husband doesn't realize it right now, but he is incredibly lucky to have you in his life.

Thank you for your comment because it means so much to me. I am sorry that you also are going through the same problem; it is so heartwrenching. I get up every day thinking about it and pray to God that I can survive this ordeal. I am glad you understand that I love my husband unconditionally. It is exactly that. So many people told me that I should move on to someone else. I know they mean well, but I don't want to. He is the love of life and the man I prayed for to have in my life. He has always been a good husband to me, taking care of me when I was suffering from severe bouts of depression 10 years ago. I hope that he will realize how much I love him; I did tell him he was walking away from his true love. I guess he needs to learn the hard way what true love is. Thank you also about the website. I will check it out. I have also been to Jed Diamond's website www.menalive.com and I bought his book "The Irritable Male Syndrome." This book is an eye-opener on male behavior and acting out. I recommend it. Thanks again. I wish you success in dealing with the tough situation you are in.

My wife of 18 1/2 years tells me one day she doesn't love me and doesn't know if she wants to be married to me. I am devestated. We started counseling and she was still a distant person to me. I couldn't really even touch her and she would pull back. We had a great relationship full of time with the kids and great sex until that day. I asked her about 3 weeks later her thoughts. She said she didn't know. I broke a small window. She had me removed from the house and filed a restraining order against me. She filed for divorce 3 days later. We have 3 kids in their teens. I haven't talked to the woman I love in over a month. This is killing me. I only see my kids a couple times a week. I was with them every day for all day. I devoted my life to her and the kids. I would do anything for her or them. I am lost. She is now trying to put me in jail for anything I do. I about lost my teaching job of 19 years.

I am so sorry that things are going so badly for you and I can relate to the pain you are going through. It sounds like she is having a psychological breakdown, maybe she suffers from depression? In any case, I don't think she is well to react this way. I am choosing to wait and see what my husband does even though he is divorcing me. Do not think of divorce as the end but a transition period that can always lead to reconciliation later. Right now, it must be so hard for you not to see your kids much. Men in these situations are not given a fair treatment by the courts most of the time. Hang in there. Get help from a social worker or even a therapist to help you deal with the pain. Do not stay alone. Rely on your friends and family to support you.

I am currently going through a divorce. We have been married almost 20 years. My wife had the gastric bypass and lost a lot of weight and has been going to bars regularly since then. She asked for a divorce and has been hurting me ever since.

She told me that I have no right to be jealous because I was never jealous when she was heavy. I tried to explain to her that I never saw anyone hit on her when she was heavy and that she never acted this way. She then told me I am not invited to go out with her anymore because it makes her mad when I get jealous.

The jealousy part comes from the way she acts at the bar. I went with her and her friends one night and my wife was grinding on a guy at the bar. Her actions are getting worse by the week. She is hanging out with single people now and the one she hangs out with the most is not a morally sound person. I know this because she sleeps with a lot of men and the last one she was with was married and she knew he was. My wife is currently on her way to the beach with this person and I am pretty sure she is cheating (I do not have any proof of this).

This is affecting my kids also. My daughter tried to run away and I was able to get her to come back. While trying to get her to come home she kept saying I will not stay in that house with her mother. My oldest son who is 18 has been doing everything he can to stay away from the house. He has been drinking also. About three weeks ago he finally broke down while he was drunk, I picked him up from his friends house and went to a parking lot and talked to him. He kept asking why is she doing this to our family? I did not know how to answer that. I tried to reassure him that we will all make it through this and that he needs to stop drinking and stop staying away because it hurts the situation more then helps. I let him know that he can always talk to me if he needs.

She is lying to everyone we know. Some of our closest friends wont even talk to me. She is lying to our children and her family also. She is in denial about her drinking and told her family that she isn’t drinking at all.

I am currently an emotional mess right now. The hurt my wife is causing me and the children is unbearable. We have a house but with the current market it will not sell for some time. Neither I or my wife can afford rent and the mortgage payment. My kids and I are stuck in a living hell with no end in sight.

I am a 48 year old woman. I am going through a midlife crisis. I have been married for 25 years. My husband and I did separate once due to physical abuse. He got treatment and I thought that would make me happy. Instead I found myself completely unhappy and resentful after he returned home. I began an emotional affair with a man I knew for many years. My husband discovered the affair and he began physically abusing me again due to his anger and jealously. I have not been able to recommit to the marriage. We have undergone counselling. I feel incredibily guilty because we have three children and I have always tried to work it out. I am confused because I feel I am responsible for the abuse because of my affair. I have been seeing therapist who say this is not true. The last argument was so bad I ended up going to the hospital. The agency I reported the abuse to ended up calling child protective services and now my husband possibly will not be able to see our son for awhile. I am absolutely sick over this. I don't see how I can repair our marraige. Is this the result of my midlife crisis or is it just time to call it quits.

Your story indicates far more than "confusion" and the issues you discuss have little to do with midlife crisis or even middle age. You and your husband need professional therapy. If you are not connecting with your current therapist then find another ASAP. You are in a volatile situation and I can't recommend enough your need for immediate professional help.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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I have been married 20 years. My husband has had major depression since he was a teenager. It has caused much pain in our marriage over the years. He has been , for the past 2 years, rockbottom. He treats my daughter and I badly, and she is very unhappy around him. He just entered the hospital for his depression 2 weeks ago. While up there, he struck up a friendship with a girl up there who has 5 kids, is 13 years younger than him, has an abusive husband, and is still married.My husband has kissed this girl, and taken her out to dinner. I am devestated! I want to cry all the time. I am having a terrible time coping and cannot believe this is happening!

"I am having a terrible time coping and cannot believe this is happening!"

Given all that you've put up with (and continue to do so), it is not surprising that you are having a tough time with this. Depression is not an open ticket for your husband to do whatever he feels like doing. It shouldn't just be you telling him this either. Hopefully his friends and his family can send him this message as well.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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I don't know if this is the place for this discussion, but I am desperately unhappy and seem unable to leave my husband of 22 years.

My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive and doesn't know it. He thinks he is "expressing anger." He cannot tell the difference between an expression of anger and abuse and bullying.

He knows I want out but he says it's not going to happen.

What does this mean? If I try to leave will he try to harm me?

My husband's father was an emotionally abusive man. When I met my husband he talked about this quite freely. He'd say things like, "Why didn't my mother leave? There was enough money for her to live quite nicely without him."

His parents are deseased now, and he's an only child. Over the years my husb. has gotten more and more and more like his father. It's almost as if he's become his father. On my husband's blog in the place where people often put a picture of themselves (an avatar) my husband has put his father's picture (with no label or anything).
Under his "interests" he has written, "honoring my parents."

When my husb. is not being abusive he acts very apologetically. He cries easily and tells me he loves me. I don't really think he's capable of love but his pain paralyzes me. I feel like by ending the marriage I will ruin his life.

One of the problems is I don't have a good income. Since my daughter was born I have worked part time as a college instructor. I keep saying, "I must get a job, I must get a job...." but I don't even move towards finishing my resume.

This story gets worse and bizarre and really long (he was arrested for harrassing my therapist bec. he believes that ever since I began therapy I've wanted to leave him. The therapist put these ideas in my head. To add insult to injury my therapist said he could no longer work with me (after 6 years!) bec. he couldn't be helpful or objective if he was looking over his shoulder all the time.

Today my husband's lawyer called to ask me some questions (I corroborated to the police that my husband's handwriting was on the envelope that sent the picture of the hangman's noose to the therapist) and my husband's version of the situation is bizarre and insulting. Apparently my husband told the lawyer that he was worried that I wasn't making "progress" in therapy ----in fact I was getting worse, according to husb. (getting worse bec. I want to make the very bad decision to leave him) and so he wanted to either talk to the therapist and/or report him for abuse/malpractice. He also fabricated this whole delusion that I was sleeping with my therapist. He claims that since he was paying for my therapy (he often writes checks for bills; I make very little money) he had a right to speak to the therapist and find out how I was doing. Since me therapist never returned his calls (most of his calls were angry rantings; only in one call did he ask my therapist to call him back)
he was driven into a rage and as a result sent a pic. of a hangman's noose. The attorney seems to have "bought" this story and may want to proceed with this as a defence. He also says that bec. my husb. suspected we were having an affair, his anger might be considered justifiable. I told the attorney that my husb. also thinks I'm having an affair with the mailman and the UPS man. He has also accused me of having affairs with female friends.
Any time I get close to anyone or like anyone (I might say...."The new UPS guy seems very nice....") my husb. seems to not like it, and not like them.

You asked for my story....and, well, you got it!

I feel like I need a swat team to come in here and rescue me----pull me out.
I don't know how to get out of this marriage!

Any words of encouragement? Wisdom? Support? Help?

I need all the support I can get.
I'm running on empty.

Yikes! I don't even know where to start. Actually I do. First, keep seeing a therapist. You need someone in your corner--and a trained professional at that. Second, discount everything your husband's lawyer says. It is his job to defend and represent your husband's interest. He's just doing his job. Third watch out for the welfare of your daughter. You didn't say her age but you can't let her be a victim too.

You may want to talk to a lawyer and any other services available to women concerned about domestic violence. If your husband is threatening your therapist then it follows he may do the same to you. If you feel there is any chance that he will be violent then you need to take all necessary precautions.

When you husband is crying and in pain has he expressed any willingness to get help? It may be beyond where you can influence him in this direction but perhaps there is a trusted friend who can.

As you can imagine, you have raised serious issues that need the immediate attention of trained professionals.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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My husband is in the military and currently on an 18 month unaccompinied tour in South America. We have two children and have been married for almost 18 years. We met when we were 17 and got married at 19 years old. He has always been good w/finances and was a devoted father and husband.

Within two months of his tour I started to notice him changing. He started running up the CC and taking money out of our savings. He changed his wardrobe, taste in food and music, interest, and even his signature. When he came home for the holidays (6 months into tour), he let me know that he didn't want to be married anymore and went out of his way to make sure that we didn't connect. He even kept his distance from the kids. I did find out that he has another woman and that he has been getting a lot of attention from other woman too.
My husband usually isn't emotional but was while he was home. He got tears in his eyes several times while telling me that he "just doesn't feel like trying" to make our marriage work.
We are separating for now and plan on divorcing in two years. I am trying to communicate with him amicably but it isn't easy because he doesn't seem rational at times and is use to being in control. Is this a midlife crisis? Will he have regrets? What is the best way to communicate with him? Thanks!

"Is this a midlife crisis? Will he have regrets?"

As for the first question, read this series of posts which includes signs and symptoms for MLC.

In regards to the second question, how can someone leave their wife and push away his kids and not have regrets? Why no one can predict the future having a good amount of time for the separation should give you both the opportunity to see how this will play out. If as you suspect there is another woman, that is plenty of time for the novelty/excitement/infatuation to wear off. It's also plenty of time for him to think through the implications of his actions and to rethink whether or not he wants to try and make it work.

Then again that is a long time for you to be patient.

We all hope it works out whatever path you choose.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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Wesley,

Thank you for your comments!! One can only hope that there will be regrets one day! He is continuing to distants himself from his children. I really would like him to have a good relationship with them but he really isn't making much of an effort. Our youngest daughter didn't come to the phone right away when he called (she was playing hide and seek w/ a friend), so he told her that he would call her another time when she wanted to talk to him and then he abruptly hung up. He then e-mailed her and said he wasn't happy with her and that he hopes she "had fun with her friend". I feel like I am dealing with another teenager! Do you hear stories similar to mine where the quilty spouse treats their children this way? just curious! I am still trying to figure out the best way in communicate with him.......I am taking it one day at a time and getting stronger everyday!

"Do you hear stories similar to mine where the guilty spouse treats their children this way?"

As you read the posts by people in similar situations as you, you will come across all sorts of destructive behavior against loved ones (kids, parents, siblings and of course spouses). Not all do this, but it's not uncommon either. This is why you need to be particularly attentive to your children at this time. They can experience the same stresses as you but without the perspective and maturity that better equip you to deal with it. It is extremely important that they don't internalize their feelings or blame themselves.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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Wesley,

Thanks! I have set up counseling appointments for all of us! I have one child that holds everything in and another who has had a few outburst! Luckily they are wonderful kids and hopefully the counseling will help them deal with their emotions. It breaks my heart to see them have to go through this because my husband is to selfish to realize or care about the damage he is doing. I imagine one day he will come around but I hope that it is not to late. He has acted like a coward and avoider....I guess it makes it easier for him since he is in another country....out of sight out of mind!

If he is having a midlife crisis, how long does this life changing transition last? Do I confront him about it or is it best to let him be? Of course, we just spoke on the phone last night for the first time in a month! He just made excuses to talk to me and it was small talk ( taxes, bills, report cards...). Of course this could of been discussed through e-mail. Sometimes I feel like it is just best to let him be!! He is still pushing for the divorce.

That's great news and I hope it benefits you all. Just being able to talk about it and dispel that this is your husband's issue and not their fault should hopefully go along way to helping them grapple with what is going on.

As for your other questions, there is no real right or wrong answer, it just depends. Since he is the father of your children, having a cordial relationship is best no matter what happens with the marriage. Some people will "reward" their spouse by opening communication but only so long as the spouse is acting appropriately. If they don't then they cut it off. The spouse learns that if they want contact (and many do) then they have to work for it. That said, don't do anything that gets in the way of your own healing. It's okay for you to have your own timetable about how and when you open up the lines of communication. There is also not a good answer about how long midlife crises last, some people say it can be around 18 months but there is so much variety in that estimate that it's almost useless (other than for you to know that it typically isn't over quickly).

You said your husband is still pushing for the divorce so maybe this won't help but if he hears that counseling is helping you all perhaps he'd agree to go himself.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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Hi...I was married for 31 years to a verbal (emotional) abuser; they will do anything to hang on to you. Your husband is delusional and very scary (as you know); there must be resources where you could either get a job, or start training.

you won't ruin his life if you get a divorce (he wants you to thin so); abusers are narcissists.

But you WILL ruin your and your daughter's life; whether you realize it or not she senses and sees what your husband is doing, and she is experiencing abuse, also.

I would call a woman's support group/women's shelter; they can advise and help you.

you don't know how to "get out of the marriage?" Get all the information you need; start to educate yourself (took me 31 years to get out).

Read the book that saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans; it should be required reading for everyone on the planet.

I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group; if you would like to talk (via phone); e-mail me: wacalice@aol.com...put "running on empty" in the subject line, so I won't delete it.

Remember abuse is a CHOICE, always a choice, if it were not, they would abuse everyone! They are extremely insecure and jealous. Narcissists literally stop maturing at about age 12.

You can read my story: www.psychiatricjournal.com, entitled: The Transcendent Child on Overcoming Verbal and Spiritual Abuse

My own site: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com

You CAN do what you need to to save yourself and your daughter; call a women's shelter,read the book, etc.......

Take courage, if not for yourself, then for the future of your daughter; you cannot help your husband.

Love, Alice

My blog: www.MidlifeCrisisQueen.com is all about divorce and life changes. It's about how all these changes at first seem like, and are actually, the end of your world, but then you have a GREAT CHANCE to change everything and make it better.

Please see my "Valentine's Day 2008" blog for a story about how much better your life can be after a divorce!

my wife has tried to have me arrested and since that did not happen she took out a protective order and when we were in court she dropped it only if I would let her back in the house and seek supervised visits for two months every saturday for two hours but, she failed to attend the class and this saturday I did not see my son. I have not informed my lawyer yet and will do so in the morning. She has always been in control and I have let her walk all over me especially when it comes to our 2 year old. I have never taken our son to the park, mcdonald's, and have never been alone with our son. when I used to read to him, she would take him from my lap. she has put me down in front of our son and accused me of sleeping with my sister and being gay, I am in the military and have not seen my son in two months although she and my son are 10 miles apart. I am not in love with her and I just want to see and take care of my son and divorce this woman. She has said some very dangerous lies about me which all have been proven false. Help

Yikes. The majority of your post is really best addressed by a lawyer. There are two non-legal issues that should be discussed. First is that of the well-being of your son. Stated simply, don't give up. While what is happening may seem like a long time, in the grand scheme of things it is small in comparison to his life. The second is your own well-being. The stress of divorce (even in the best of circumstances of which this is not) is enormous. You need to face this head on and do everything from making sure you are eating correctly, getting enough sleep, avoiding substance abuse, etc. You should also be relying on your own support network, including professional help if you think it will help. I'm not sure if the military has any services that could benefit you but if they do then you should take advantage of those. Hope the best for you and your son.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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