Will my marriage survive my husband's mid-life crisis?

Very sorry to read this. While every situation is different (and changing) here a link to a post that might provide some useful information for you.

What do I do if I think my husband is having a midlife crisis? (note that this is part one though the post contains a link to part ii).

With regard to your specific question, there is of course no good answer. While divorce rates are tracked, divorces from "midlife crisis" are not and when you do see figures they are suspect because there is no standardized diagnosis for midlife crisis. Finally, even if you did have the statistic it would be for a population as opposed to your unique situation.

What we can tell you, albeit anecdotally and unscientifically, is that there are many, many situations where the marriage does remain intact especially when you've made it as long as you have (18 years).

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

The writer of the above blog post has just entered marriage counseling and had her first session with her husband. She wrote about it here.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

Mental fitness training would provide exercises for her to empower herself to actively make decisions with confidence that are best for her. The "other spouse" often feels powerless and victimized, while waiting for the crisis to end. In this situation, nothing has changed in regard to the woman's love and commitment, so she needs to be empowered to be the lighthouse for her husband who is lost. The strength of her love and commitment should determine her marital actions, not her husband's confusions and fears.

Dr. Hal

We have observed in our work with hundreds of men in the Midlife Transition that it is not unusual at all for men to experience cycles that contribute greatly to Mood Swings. What MissJacie has just experienced is something we see frequently. Although loving and committed for several days at a time he suddenly appears to have changed posture to irritable, withdrawn, sad, or angry. Are such things normal? We believe it is.

We understand now that men at both ends - Puberty & Midlife experience fluctuations in their mood inventory very akin to fluctuations in Testosterone. I have heard it said that a “midlife crisis” is much like “puberty in reverse”. One might understand this comparison quite easily when you can stand by and observe.

Although for a very long time women have been ‘cursed’ by negative attitudes to their hormone cycles, the prevailing attitude now seems to be that these cycles are completely normal, healthy biological processes. Rightly so and about time! In many ways, we are fortunate that the subject of female hormone cycles is so talked about. But ask any woman about the men in her life – father, husband, son or partner. Ask her if, in her opinion, they too succumb to odd moods and ailments on a regular basis. Her answer will frequently be affirmative. Tell a woman that her father, husband, son or partner has hormone cycles and mood swings, and she won’t be too surprised. Yet many men would be. It’s unfortunate when men’s important health issues are not acknowledged, as this frequently leads to a decline not only in health, but in work and personal relationships too, as a matter of fact, their wellbeing in general.

Both men and women produce exactly the same hormones, but in different quantities. Men produce far more testosterone than women, and fluctuations in this hormone can affect men dramatically.

Men have five testosterone cycles that we know of:

Hourly cycles:
A man’s testosterone level fluctuates four to five times an hour. There is also research that indicates men think of sex approximately four to five times an hour, which would seem consistent with the fluctuating testosterone levels.

Daily cycles:
Testosterone levels rise and then fall over a 24-hour period. Levels are highest first thing in the morning (usually around 5 am) and are lowest late in the afternoon. Consequently, libido is usually highest in the morning and lowest in the afternoon.

Monthly cycles:
Testosterone fluctuates monthly and results in a number of symptoms similar to the premenstrual syndrome (PMS) experienced by women. Every man’s cycle is unique. Some men are very regular, and experience their testosterone low approximately every 28 days. Others have irregular cycles.

Seasonal cycles:
Testosterone levels also rise and fall over the period of a year. Studies show that men in the US, France and Australia experience their highest level of testosterone in October and their lowest in April, despite the different seasons in each hemisphere.

Once MissJacie understands the potential of these “cycles” that he may be going through she will gain a distinct advantage in understanding him. In a “low” cycle he may earnestly assert that THIS is his reality. On the “up” cycle he may even have difficulty remembering some of the things he said while on the “low” – the “up” cycle IS his reality. Often by learning his cycle you can learn how to communicate or when to detach.

Newman Hart
Founder,FortySixty.Org

In September of 2006 my husband came home from work and said, Just what will it take to get you out.
It hit me like a rock, I did not know what to say. He filed for divorce. I got the divorce papers the day before my Mom passed away. Since we have been going thru divorce the past 7 months the things he has done and said to me makes me think he is having a MLC. He baught a motorcycle, changed his hair style and is talking to a women he works around for advise. Help me......... During these past 7 months he comes back to me every month for one week and says he wants to work our marriage out, tells me he loves and never stoped loving me and is in love with me. During that week we are together he is the best man a women could ask for........Could someone please tell me what or if there is anything I can do?

Check out these two great web sites: midlifeclub.com and fortysixty.org.

Go to midlifeclub.com and fortysixty.org - great web sites lots of information. Be sure to read the newbies seciton on midlifeclub - absolutely a must read.

my husband is just like yours. I go through the same tjhings with him

Tips for when husband is having a MLC podcast

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

I met my husband while in college. He is from another country and we have 2 children. The oldest is 13, youngest 9. We will be going on 15 yrs. My husband has learning disabilities but has a good staedy gov job. In the last year he has been in 2 accidents(the last one I was with him). He turned 40 this year and so did I. I have MCTD and have been on disability for 7 years. He is the only bread winner. After the first accident I noticed a change, but I felt it was due to the recent bad luck we have had with the bills on our new house, my illness progressing and the unisured motorist who hit him. I gained over a 100 pounds and was dx with mouth and cervical cancer. While I was trying to find money for my surgery, he was out buying things. In feb he bought a hummer. We owned it all of 12 hours and were bringing it back when the second accident happenned( again unisured motorist) After this accident he started talking to a young 26 yr co worker. I found out and he told me he had not loved me for a long time but felt guilt because I was sick. I was cancer free and feeling better and losing weight.He said nothing was going on with her just talk they are both from the same country and he would stay till our youngest turned 18, then he would see if if he loved me. He will not cheat and we have had the best sex. He just wants to take it day by day and enjoys my company and is so happy I look better and have lost the weight. What is going on?

I don't even know where to begin but with all of the issues you have listed I would think that counseling is called for. If he won't go then go by yourself. Contributor Dave Schoof has suggested to others that if money is an issue (as you noted) that there are no cost services available in most communities. Looking at your last sentence it appears that there is the basis for you to build your relationship back up. Buying a new (expensive) auto when you are having financial issues is either acting out or just extremely poor financial discipline. Either way that needs to be brought under control for the sake of your kids. Good luck and let us know what happens.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

thankyou for your quick response. I have thought about counseling. She comes back from the phillipines in a month. this is all new for me. I handle everything but working out of the home. I ruly think he does not understand the finances. His attraction to her is nice body and she has a masters degree. Though she works 2 jobs unrelated to her degree. I am trying to focus on us and not her. Hopefully if all else fails I have eight years to build myself up and be dependent on myself. I want him to stay because he wants to stay. I don't want to hate him. He was my friend first. Maybe that's what makes all this so hard.... thankyou for your advice
Sincerly,
promises

Glad you are open to counseling. Keep us posted. One thing I didn't say but you are certain to hear about in counseling is to do your best to control your stress and watch your health. I know it is essentially impossible to not be stressed given what you are going through but do your best to take care of yourself under the circumstances. Best of luck.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

Don't know how to start this but I'm already on disability and what I have is not crueable. I'm wondering if he is having a hard time dealing with it. Midlifecrisis is what I've come up with him and so does his friends. He is hiding from me, lying to me, children are getting on his nerves. He uses my illness as to not having sex cause it might hurt me, I've got a head ache and some off the wall things.

For instance he ask to marry me at a time when we had his family living with us and it was just us two working and I didn't give a answer due to I thought it wasn't feasible to do so till his family found there own home. Then he blames the children and I tell him that is what family is about and ours wasn't good when we were growing up and we wanted at least the best for ours and he doesn't care about them now.
He is tearing me apart due to we use to be able to sit and talk things out and work it out and he refuses to talk about things that bother him. I know he has lost his father and mom and his real dad but he just found his other side of the family just last year and he is remembering things don't know if it hurts him or what and I just want to help. I love this man with all my heart it has nothing to do with
money it's love, the things we have in common and I don't want to loose him. He is very stubborn and won't seek medical help and he needs to if I do I feel he should try also. Please help me cause I love him very much. He just needs to open his kind heart to me again and let things out so I can help.

Thank You
Sharon Stevens

well since last I wrote, I am once again on the rollercoaster. We did some work from a firend and we had decided before that we would take this money to do something fun. All of a sudden he can't take the time off. So his idea was to take 300.00 of it no questions asked ( see, I handle bills and because we are so tight I give him money as needed).I was crushed. He said he never has money to just spend. I went w/ girlfriend to get a gift of jewelery on sale. Told him. Had bought him some studs for his ears for fathers day. He ended up at the same store and bought the same ones for himself. Acting wierd and noticed something wierd in his truck and looked found another box with beautiful hoop earrings. Nothing is coming up for us. no reason for the earrings. Never said anything, just took note. Saw a date circled in is calender book. Was setting up a appointment for him for Doc and happenned to schedule it on date marked. He was bent out of shape saying he had promised his brother he would help him that day. I suggested going with him and visiting hi mom and he said he was going to go right after work. I think she may be coming back on this day.What do I do. Turn my head and continue working on marraige even if he gives her the earrings. I mean we seem to be doing so well. He calls me everynight at work. We have fun together. Our sex is better than ever. Am I reading to much into all this? This is the first time in our marraige I have ever had doubt. I don't know if I can do it. I am trying so hard to be positive and yet it feels like I am trying to win him back or something. Do I wait for the date to pass and see if she's back and going to work with the earrings? Then what?Do I let him have the affair and act like nothing as I slowly die inside. I can't call him on it unless I truly want to end my marraige. It seems like a no win situation. I have been reading the SECRET and have been focusing on me. Pastor gave it to me and said ultimately it is up to me. I am so lost........

I wish I had better or concrete advice. Your situation is so very complex and I feel so very sorry for you. I don't think a plan to "slowly die inside" is the right one and doubt you do either. But how to go forward and what to talk to him about and what not to are impossible for us to tell you. You are not alone in your expression in frustration with the dishonesty you perceive--which might be the most vexing aspect of the whole thing.

It is a positive sign you are talking to your pastor and if you do not get the type of guidance from him then there are many other counseling services available to you. It is a very tough time and based on your earlier comments your health concerns need to be factored into whatever you decide to do.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

I have found a few great resources to help me through my husbands MLC -- I want a divorce, I am not longer in love with you etc....

Divorce Buster

Divorce Busting

They are great -- they really cut through the crap and give hard core strategies -- the author Michele Weiner-Davis has a website and there is a Divorce Busting coaching service -- I have used it twice....

The "mind control" around divorce, the illusions etc are discussed and the party gets crashed -- DO NOT allow your husband to come back to you every month for a week -- wrong strategy -- you must shift the energy....

Some additional resources I have found for myself: Stop Blaming and Start Loving, Brief Therapy (find a therapist who does Brief Therapy...very different approach to couples therapy), check out Imago Therapy for couples or individuals -- all the harvill hendricks books, I also found two other books that I love -- "how one of you can bring the two of you together by Susan Page and "how to improve your marriage without talking about it" by Patrica Love and Steven Stosny.

GET THE DIVORCE BUSTERS INFORMATION ASAP....it is great....

Good luck.

After 20 yrs and just when the kids are all gone out on their own: I receive 2 really weird long emails from him(working away since Dec.), so many signs of major depression right there in print, just like a check-list.I tell him this several times and mail information too: no there's nothing wrong with him it's everyone else.He invites me to meet him for a spa weekend and an hour later calls back to say I should get a lawyer.For 2 hours I was just stunned.
Then I got angry and called a lawyer,who said I didn't have to do anything until I'm served.OK so I am just sitting tight now.I haven't seen him since mid-May(he used to come home every 14 days).Actually I don't want to see him again.I was sympathetic when I thought he was depressed.Then when he turned on me he lost my vote.I feel better without him, I am just a bit worried about the money angle and our house, none of which has been resolved yet of course.
I haven't told anyone yet as my daughter still has her finals and I don't want to risk upsetting her.But it's nice to be able to vent!

You're feelings are understandable and I feel empathy for you. You are smart to have contacted a lawyer for advice and to be thinking of your daughter. Make sure that you take care of yourself in other ways (eating, sleeping, getting exercise, etc.) and managing the stress the best you can under the circumstances. Many spouses find that counseling is also helpful (as is venting on the Internet). Don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling different on different days. Your husband's "turning away from you" could be a side effect of depression. It's hard to tell but in reading the comments here and other places, one quickly learns that things are not always what they seem when in the throngs of an MLC. It appears that there is just too much subtext to take things at face value.

A person very, very close to me woke up one day to find their husband of 20 years has been cheating on her. She was only able to take his lies and the ups & downs of his moods for so long before putting her and the kids ahead of his needs. When he was first caught cheating he displayed no emotion and treated it as if he had been caught drinking milk out of the carton. She believes he is depressed but with the passage of months and he wouldn't take responsibility for getting better she had enough. However, once she drew the line with him he started to come around and I believe they are starting therapy together. Who knows how it will end but she reports it is 100% better than it was just 60 days ago. Whatever happens in your situation good luck. In reading comments and observing friends, I sometimes wonder if anyone makes it through middle age unscathed and if so how.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

i am a mess. i think my husband is going thru this too. maybe. he has been withdrawn, angry at little things, accuses me of wrongdoing ( which there is not) he goes out anddrinks all the time. told me not to go to his 20th class reunion which just crushed me. we have three kids. don't know what to do

"told me not to go to his 20th class reunion"

That is just plain wrong.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

My husband didn't want me to go to his reunion last summer either. It was 30 for him. However, he left early and came home and surprised me with his early arrival.

I am new here. He just left in April of this year. He is telling his parents and I am sure others if they ask, that we haven't had a good marriage for years. They believe him but are crushed. I just found this out today that his dad believes we have not had a good marriage for years. I am so frustrated. And hurt all over again. I am worried that that is what is going on. And he has been unhappy for so long, but never told me. It hasn't been a great marriage, but couldn't he have told me and we worked on it. Help. I was so hopeful that he would come out of this MLC and return home, but if what he is saying is true then he is gone forever! He hasn't filed for divorce yet and I believe he only left because he has another "opportunity" as he put it.

"He is telling his parents and I am sure others if they ask, that we haven't had a good marriage for years."

We hear this so often that it must be in chapter one of "How to Explain Your Separation When There Are No Good Answers." In other words who knows if they even believe it's true because what else can they possibly say? It's not like marriage is a lease and it's socially acceptable to trade up at the end of the term.

Next observation is that people rarely do major things in their lives for a single cause. Their tend to be many forces at work, not all in the same direction. He might indeed have been depressed and then chased this "opportunity" as way of dealing with it. Alternatively, the depression might be the result of the "opportunity" and much more recent. He might be saying that he's been depressed for a long time to provide himself a little cover for his bad behavior. In fact, he might not even be depressed, in the clinical sense, and just behaving badly. As we've noted in the "Twenty Questions About Midlife Crisis" posting, sometimes men (and women) behave badly in a marriage and while it is called a midlife crisis because it's happening in middle age, the reality is that it's just bad behavior.

In short, it's impossible to tell without a trained professional working with him or better yet with both of you. If he comes around, and judging by comments left on this site and others, many times they do, then I suggest you do what you can to get into marriage counseling.

Final note, people shouldn't read too much into the reunion issue. My 30th (yikes) is next month. I gave my wife the option of going but encouraged her to take a pass for the simple reason that I can only imagine how boring it would be for her and nothing more. Given the option (and who knows if I'll be given the option), I would pass on hers too.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

My wife and myself just been married 9 days ago. We have been living together for 2 1/2 months after being engaged since last October. For 30 years since 1977 I have been receiving psychiatric counceling and medication. I thought I was a loose person that vainly thought about a lot fantacies since then. Sometimes not invane. I spoke to my physician about using viagra and cialis. The maximum doses failed. This never happened to me before. I my physician is sending me to some of of nuerologist about this problem. It is my first marriage and hers at my age of 50 yrs of age. There is a lot wrong with me physically. I still can work the garden, clean around the house, work with my wife on the coach. It's either my age - or the 30 yrs of medication - or just physical. I explained these things to my new wife. She is patient. Is it open to know the government ruined my marriage with this cialis problem I have been having. Or are there other ways to work the problem through when I am burning inside: what is the matter with me? At least until now. And hopefully not again!
Kevin of Gardner, Massachusetts 01440-3869

we have been together for ten years and never had any problems, all of our interest were the same. In Oct he told me to come back to M

We were together for 10 yrs and everything was find, we moved to central louisiana because of hurricane katrina in Oct my daughter was back in Metairie and had problems she is disabled, they get along great, he said Hunting season is starting OCT and finishs in Feb go get her handle everything there and come back with her. Well she would not move I could not leave her so I visited central La,every week or two, everything seemed fine,then in May he said we were going to split up for a while , he seemed depressed I went there got my stuff and stayed for a great week, he was sad when I left and so was I. He said we would be friends and did not know what the future held.He started seeing someone when I went back she came to the house said trashy things and he said nothing, when she is there he is rude and when shes not he is his old self, she gets mad when I call she does not want him to answer the phone but he does

PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!!!! I am afraid I am loosing my husband. Back in March 2007, I caught him talking to his bosses wife, by his cell phone. He was talking to her anywhere from 3-10 times a day. His boss found out also. They are too having marrital problems. We used to be friends,I broke off the friendship, because they were too flirtatious with each other and people were talking. Including her husband told her. Since then, he told me he doesn't like my voice, I yell too much, he doesn't want to remember my birthday, and I am overweight. I agreed with him on the yelling and overweight. I told him he should of come to me sooner. I too needed a wake up call on my weight. I used to think what a lucky girl I am I have a husband that loves me for me. He told me he didn't want to come to me because he doesn't like to hear me talk. I am going to a therapist. He refuses to go. I did not want alot of poeple nowing about this because I did not want to air our dirty laundry. My therapist said it sounds like he is going threw midlife crisis. I then started looking into this. We have been together for 21 years and married for 16. He is 46 years old, and I am 43. I truly love him. I do not want to loose him. Please help me. We have a 14 year old daughter together he sez he is only here for her. If it wasn't for her he would be gone. This is so out of character for him. He is not a cruel person. Please I hope no one tells me there is no hope. I love him and don't want to loose him.
PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!

I am sorry he is behaving so selfishly.

My biggest concern is that he seems to be naming things that are unchangable, like the sound of your voice.

He said he does not want to remember your birthday? What an asshole!

You DESERVE better. Maybe he will come to his senses and try to work on his issues.

Yes, I think he is having a crisis.

There may be no hope. There may just be no hope for right now.

The important thing to do is to honor and respect yourself. He is treating you as if you have no dignity. You do.
The sad thing is that part of the problem may be your lack of self respect and love.

I have known women whose husbands leave them. They then start treating themselves WELL. They get in shape. They feel sexy. They go back to school. They become a success. THEN the loser wants them back.

When you married your husband had a dream of what he thought you would be. That has not happened, and he feels cheated. The bigger question is, "Do you?"

If you are not who you want to be, let him know that you want to make real changes. Claim your share of the blame.
I lived with a fishwife myself. Her constant yelling killed my sexdrive for her.

if you take respnsibility, which you seem to be doing, I pray he does too. If he does, there may be hope.

But you can't control him. just you.

-- Thank you so very much for your reply, you don't even know how much I appreciated it. I have taken resposibility for some of his problems with me. I very rarely yell at all. I work midnights and there are weeks were I get 8-12 hours of sleep in three days, I told him he had to be more simplethetic towards my lack of sleep, which I loose my temper because of lack of sleep. I have a loud voice anyways, but since this has been brought to my a
attention. I very rarely raise my voice.
-- As for my weight this is a good thing he brought to my attention. I told him that. I was not affended. I wish he would of said something sooner. I felt stupid for not doing something sooner myself. Since then I have joined weight watchers and work out 6 days a week. I have lost 35lbs. and I will not give up. I am more motivated now more than ever.
--no he sez he does not mind my voice. It was the loudness of it. And he is not acting like this because of my weight. He sez he should love me big or small. He states ne does not love me and never has. I have asked him if he wants to make this marriage work and he sez YES! But then he sez he will not do anything else, he's doing all he's going to do.
-- Sometimes I feel cheated because I did let myself go and I blame myself for this problem in our marriage. I am doing everything I can do to change this for myself and for our marriage. I think everyone gets comfortable in their marriage, and we lost our spark. I blame myself for SOME of this. I just wish he would of come to me sooner. But then again this behavior just started. This is why I wondered about the midlife crisis.
-- He will not go for counseling or I suggested a physical from a doctor. I have known him for 21 years and he has never had one. I was hopeing he would go because maybe there is some chemical unbalance. This is what happened to my girlfriends husband.
--PLEASE I will accept any help or suggestions. Even if it is Me that has to do something.

Thank-you for your help!!!! PLEASE HELP ME I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND I WANT TO SAVE OUR LIVES TOGETHER.

Life Coach Dave Schoof who posts her about men's midlife crisis has suggested in cases like yours that if he won't go to counseling with you then you should go alone. These are enormous issues and it might be too much for you to expect that you can sort them out yourself.

On a slightly unrelated note, your husband needs to get a physical. Ignoring the issue at hand, middle-aged men and women need to get regular physicals. Not doing so shouldn't even be an option. There are so many health issues that can start creeping up in middle age where early detection can make an enormous difference in the outcome. Of course you have to pick your battles.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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