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Divorce Often Doesn't Make People Happier ... Sometimes Staying Together Does
Is a divorce better than an unhappy marriage? Research suggests an unexpected answer: there is "no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married." And many unhappy marriages can be turned around.
The study, "Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages" (summary web page here; full pdf here) was led by sociologist Linda Waite of the University of Chicago.
In analyzing happiness before and after divorce, she and her colleagues looked at measures of well-being including symptoms of depression, self-esteem, and sense of mastery. In general, they found that unhappiness persisted whether the spouses were married or divorced.
Why? The researchers point to the new stresses that come during and after divorce: "the response of one's spouse to divorce; the reactions of children; potential disappointments and aggravation in custody, child support, and visitation orders; new financial or health stresses for one or both parents; and new relationships or marriages."
On most measures of happiness, divorce did not help, and on some it seemed to make people unhappier (divorced spouses drank 7.3 days per month versus 4.7 days for those unhappily married, and they drank more per day as well).
Stick It Out?
But there's good news as well -- marriages can be turned around. Of those who first rated their marriages "very unhappy" but stayed married, five years later 80% said they were happily married. Of the "unhappy" group, two-thirds became "happy."
The researchers were so intrigued by this that they conducted focus group interviews with 55 couples who made their unhappy marriages better.
Their marital unhappiness was caused by serious problems: "alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals." The researchers clumped them into three groups:
- When bad things happen to good spouses -- the most common problems were caused by forces outside the marriage, such as work or career issues, financial or health problems, or the demands of children.
- Men behaving badly -- these problems included infidelity, demeaning behavior, alcohol abuse, and too much time away from the family.
- Communication difficulties and difficult personality traits
The secret to fighting through these? Time and stubbornness. These couples generally did not see an advantage to divorce, so they stayed together and outlasted the problems (although in the case of communication / personality difficulty, the fix was often learning to live with the problem).
There were two main reasons these people were reluctant to divorce. While many mentioned practical, personal, or religious / moral influences, the role of children was an important factor in committing the parents to the marriage. Women felt that their children would be better off with a father; men felt that the marriage was essential to their very identity and role as fathers.
The other force that kept divorce off the table for these couples was personal experience: "... they tended to compare the trials and tribulations of marriage to what they saw as the even greater trials and tribulations of divorce. Many pointed to a sibling’s or friend’s divorce to explain their reluctance."
Other people who have themselves gone through divorce wish they had worked harder to avoid it:
In New Jersey, for example, 46 percent of divorced people reported that they wished that they and their ex-spouse had tried harder to work through their differences. ... Sixty-six percent of currently divorced Minnesotans answered yes to the question, “Looking back, do you wish you and your ex-spouse had tried harder to work through your differences?”
Do people who do proceed with divorce underestimate the emotional, financial, and family impact it will have? This research does not answer that. But it's an important consideration for anyone considering ending their marriage.
It's Not The Problem, It's The People
Look at the list of problems these now happily married couples faced. They are -- for the most part -- no different than those that faced couples who did divorce. Many marriages can go either way. Waite's team writes:
"Other research (and the experience of clinicians) suggests that the kinds of marital troubles that lead to divorce cannot be sharply distinguished from the marital troubles that spouses overcome. Many marriages of middling quality end in divorce. Many marriages that experience serious problems survive and eventually prosper."
Another researcher who interviewed thirty divorcing couples found that "middling quality" marriages have times of both joy and frustration, and wrote "[I]t seemed that many outcomes were possible in nearly every marriage I learned about."
This argues that many problems in a marriage can be fixed, but it's up to the couple to do it.
It helps that the unhappiness with a marriage is frequently one-sided. About 75% of unhappily married people had a spouse who said they were happy with the marriage. This further supports the idea that many unhappy marriages can be saved -- it's easier to address the issues of one unhappy person than two.
Cycles
Another important finding was that most divorces (74%) happened to adults who, just five years previously, had said they were happily married. Combined with the evidence of marital turnarounds -- unhappy marriages that became happy -- this argues that marriages can go through multi-year up-and-down cycles. Did the people who were happy, but later got divorced, just fail to outlast a (relatively) temporary problem? We can't tell, but it's likely.
Lesssons
This research suggests that anyone considering divorce be very realistic about what is happening and what will happen. Among the questions they should ask:
- Is the problem me? My spouse? Or us?
- Is it permanent? Or can we outlast the problems?
- Are the problems fixable by concerted problem-solving?
- Are there ways to increase my / our personal happiness, despite the state of the marriage?
- Do I really understand what life will be like for me after a divorce? For my family?
This is not to say all marriages can or should be saved. No one should endure a violent relationship. An marriage with an extremely high level of conflict generally can't be turned around -- but the key is distinguishing that from an "ordinary" unhappy marriage, many of which can become happy again.
---
A summary of the study is here and a full pdf download is here.
Read Similar LifeTwo Stories:
- Can Counseling Save A Marriage?
- It's a Midlife Crisis: Divorce in Middle Age
- Marriage and Divorce in Bite-Sized Chunks
- Review: September Songs; The Good News About Marriage in the Later Years
- What we know about middle age divorce
- How to Save Your Marriage
- How a Divorce Lawyer Can Help a Marriage
- The effect of real estate equity on your marriage; "Real-Estate-Enabled Divorce"
Um ... thanks for the
Um ... thanks for the feedback?
Nowhere do we say that men cause all marital problems -- that's only one of the three primary causes of divorce. And the key idea of the article isn't that divorce solves all problems -- it's the opposite, which is that for some problems, divorce can be the wrong answer.
As to ex-spouses continuing to be a problem post-divorce, yes, we probably all know one of those horror stories. But that doesn't invalidate the main point.
I wonder how prenuptial
I wonder how prenuptial agreements play into this. The implication of the article is that the headaches of the divorce process can actually be worse than life in an unhappy marriage. Well, isn't the entire point of a prenup to reduce the headaches of divorce and make it a clean break? Seems like all the more reason to get a prenup...we now have evidence that suggests divorce battles are so unpleasant, they're actually worse than bad marriages.
Should I go back to my ex after many years apart?
You're rignt, divorce doesn't make things better. I divorced 7 yrs ago, after my husband had an emotional affair with someone at work. He was going through MLC. Since then, we've managed to stay friends and neither of us have been able to find anyone to love the way we once did. I am now 40, and he's 53. We met when I was 16, and he was 28--had a whirlwind romance and married three months later, which lasted 18 years. Time apart has allowed me to explore other parts of myself that didn't exist before. He's had time to reflect the mistakes he's made (me too) that contributed to the divorce. Now, when we run into each other, it seems time has been our friend. We are able to talk without letting emotions get in the way - like old friends who've never stoped caring for each other. I am seeing someone else, which it breaks his heart to know this, and even had an unplanned pregnancy during the process, and am a mother of a 4 yr old. He's since, met my son and whishes it was his. I am not in love with the man I am seeing, however, I chose to stay for the sake of my son. Although, I have been with this man for 7 years, I know deep down, I am not happy. I often think about my exhusband and the good years we did have together. When we talk over the phone, we often talk about the good times we shared and how we wish things could have worked out between us. This man I'm with now, is not someone I find compatible as a house mate. He's very disorganized, and not a good financial planner. Although we have good chemistry physically, mentally and emotionally I still am occupied by the thoughts of my exhusband. My ex always planned everything and I always felt financially safe with him. He was very organized and kept order in my life. I told him - had we not been so hastey with things, and seeked counseling, we probably would still be together. It's going to kill me to hurt this man I am seeing, should I decide to ever go back to my exhusband. Should I stay or should I go? What about my 4 yr old? I worry about the affects on him, should I decide to go back to my ex. Although, I find myself longing for my ex more and more each passing year.
Divorce does good to no one.
Divorce does good to no one. It will just lead to excess alcohol abuse among loved ones, affect children and loved ones, leading to tension, unhappiness and a wrong lifestyle.
My husband is suffering a midlife crisis what do I do?
My husband and I have been together for eight years. I always believed that we were happy and would be together forever. I am 35 and he is 49. He works very hard all the time. I have tried since we've been together to get him to take more time for himself. I know he's always been the responsible reliable type and I wanted him to relax more. I love him more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. Two weeks ago he came home from a hunting trip and told me that he was unhappy and he has been for more than 20 years. He feels like he's put everyone else first all the time, which he has. Now he wants to put himself first, I can't disagree. He deserves it he is a wonderful man, husband and father. He told me he wants to go live his dream that he's had for more than 20 years. I absolutely want him to be happy, I just wish we could find some way that we could both have our dreams. He wants to buy a Harley and take off to California. He was there when he was younger and apparently he's always wanted to return. I want to be with him wherever he is. I love him with all my heart what am I supposed to do? Let him go? He says he may never come back. I want to fight to keep us together but I don't want to keep him tied down if he really needs to get away. I need help because it feels like I'm losing my mind, along with everything I thought I had. I know you're not supposed to base your own self worth one what someone else thinks or feels but, without him my life will be devastated. Can anyone offer me advice on how to deal with this? i want to survive for my children but I don't want to live without the love of my life.
My husband is suffering a midlife crisis what do I do? - reply
I'd say enjoy the upcoming holiday together and then help him plan his trip.
Sounds like he hasn't had the support in his life to do what he truly yearns for - some time to himself.
Giving your okay and support would probably mean the world to him. Don't fake it either - make sure he knows that you love him and one of the ways that you show that is to let him go on his trip.
He might not see it now, but giving him this chance to explore life will make him understand how special you are. Once he's had this experience and time to think - he'll remember what you've done for him.
You sitting down and planning the trip with him will be a wonderful gift.
Good luck!
Jim http://fiftyandfitonline.blogspot.com/
RE: My husband is suffering a midlife crisis what do I do?
Thank you for your reply. I am more than willing to do that, however; he has since declared that he wants out of our relationship completely. Apparently he's never felt that we had a relationship. I definitely feel like a sucker. Everything I thought and believed in for eight years was apparently a lie. Needless to say I am pretty messed up. I doubt I will ever trust another man in my life. I guess he just needed someone to raise his kids. I am thankful for that as I do love his kids. I hope he finds happiness even though he's destroyed mine. I am going to learn to be self-sufficient and independent so this will never happen to me again. I've already started seeing a therapist and I am going back to school. My therapists' only concern at the moment seems to be that my distrust of men will spill over to my daughters. In my opinion, maybe if their more careful than I was they will not have to suffer like this. My heart goes out to anyone who has had to go through this, it really sucks!
Everyone doesn't want this
Everyone doesn't want this and I for one don't like this to happen at all. It breaks my heart though to see and hear cases like this. Maybe it's best to seek a tampa divorce attorney for an advice before filing for a separation or of a divorce.
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