Female Gen X Midlife Crisis at 34?

Thank you for this site. I'm a 38 year old female who is trying to find out the reasons I feel the way I do. Nothing that was important to me a few years ago means anything to me now. Problem is that I don't know what I really care about. I have found a lot of useful information here and just wanted you to know.

Our baby boomer generation has a way of co-opting social phenomena and leaving other generations a little under-served. Based on what you read (including here), it's easy to imagine that midlife crises are exclusive to baby boomers and that they didn't exist before this generation nor will they happen to subsequent generations. We even wrote about it here.

Of course this is anything but true.

We also know that the Internet is an amazing tool with unlimited information and this is great for people with unlimited time to find it, but people don't have unlimited time. That's why we created LifeTwo. We will certainly correct the lack of Gen X-Midlife Crisis information and in the meantime I'll look for some other resources that I can send your way.

Good luck in your journey and please keep us posted what you learn so as to help others.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

One thing we try to emphasize at LifeTwo is thinking about root causes. A lot of issues that happen in what we usually think of as "midlife" -- say, 40 - 60 -- have nothing to do with age per se -- they just happen to occur during that age range. For instance, divorce seems to be a "midlife" issue but is usually tied to the length of the marriage. Career dissatisfaction can occur at practically any age ... and so on. So I'd encourage you not to write off books, website, etc aimed at people going through midlife crisis in middle age -- many of the lessons could apply to you.

You're right that there is very little out there covering midlife crisis issues for anyone younger than 40. One magazine article that somewhat fleshes out the book you mention is here: Midlife Crisis at 30? Gen X Needs Choices. If you find anything, please keep us posted!

You may want to focus on each aspect of your "chaos" by itself (sounds like you've done some of this thinking already). That way you can find the best career resources that apply to you, the most on-point relationship advice, etc.

Hope this helps a bit!

For those not familiar with the book mentioned by Wonder Woman, we us posted some information on it in this article.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

I have been reading Midlife Crisis at 30 as well as The Breaking Point by Sue Shellenbarger. Combined they are are great start to obtaining insight on this journey. Honestly I'm not so much into the former as it includes a lot of famous people talking about their experiences with success which doesn't appeal to me. The Breaking Point, on the other hand, has been more helpful, providing me stories of real women and their life transformations as well as an understanding of why they embarked on new paths in their lifes.

Since I've discovered I'm going through MLC, not many people have taken me seriously due to all of the hoopla surrounding male midlife crises. Sometimes the Boomer analysis I've found on the net and in books just doesn't apply (e.g. empty nest syndrome & menopause). I hope that my post will be a shout out to any fellow X'ers (male or female) who may also be experiencing one, too.

Many thanks to Wesley and Greg for their insights, they are sincerely appreciated. :)

"Not many people have taken me seriously"

The irony is that those having a midlife crisis should be taken VERY seriously. It's no picnic. Years ago, when my understanding of midlife crises was based on comedic portrayals, I might not have taken it seriously other. However, after watching people that I am close to go through it and seeing the pain and anxiety, my opinion evolved and ultimately led to this website.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

Hi,
I've been trying to figure out what's the matter with me and then today it just struck me that I'm going to be 35 this year and maybe I'm experiencing a mid-life crisis. I'm a woman, married for over 8 years with two kids, a 6-year old girl and a 19-month old boy. I have an MA degree in Translation Studies, but I don't work at the moment (or I do work, but I just don't get paid :-), I'm currently at home with the little one.

So, I did some research on the Internet and the basic description of MLC fits perfectly. Then I found this site. I feel better already, for I know now this is not my personal problem and I'm definitely not alone in this. I want to deal with this MLC! Could anyone recommend a book, article, etc. that would offer some specific guidelines? (I understand that 'Mid-life Crisis at 30' for ex. doesn't really offer them?) I've done so much soul searching, thinking, analyzing, etc. already I just want to DO something now.

Thank you,
Sasha

Check out this link for one book suggestion.

Based on comments on this site, it appears that there isn't any one single book that captures the essence of what you might be going through. But through a combination of reading a few of the more popular books on the subject as well as doing Internet research as you are, that you can piece together a better understanding of your own feelings. One things for certain, and as you have noted, you are definitely not alone.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

I can very much relate to the problems the other reader is running into. Nowhere appears to be any reading resources to help women cope with an early-midlife crisis. Especially if one is not a parent or power-player career wise. What about those ~ 35 year olds that put all into their education and past relationship, helped their mate achieve their goals and somehow the relationship broke off before it was her turn? I used to concentrate on my mate's career. Now he is a top scientist in his field and I like to think I had something to do with that. We were waiting with kids until his career was off the ground and then we were going to get mine going. Well, short story: 12 years later he had the career, I had graduate degrees that led nowhere and am childless too. So I am really experiencing a profound sense of midlife crisis. The books out there imply mostly that women are unfulfilled because they picked children over a career or the vice versa. How about 30-somethings who "planned" for both but ended up with neither? The majority of the books deal with empty nesters or guilt around being a working mom. My job is unrelated to my career dreams and I never did end up with the family I wanted. At 35 I have 3 graduate degrees (all in soft sciences or humanities) but feel empty and unsuccessful. What can I read to help me revamp my life and get a direction in what I want to do now? Kids is unlikely now and the career needs rescuing, I can possibly only get one going with lots of work. But I feel like the classical midlife crisis patient not feeling like I have a clear picture of where I want to go or whom I am in the relationship to any dreams.

Any reading advice would be helpful. P.S. Those two books you mentioned were not helpful for me for the same reasons as the other reader quoted.

Thanks,
Kat

(P.S. I have extensive clinical training and even as a therapist I have a hard time finding resources for this new type of "mid-life crisis" in women. )

You are certainly not the only person experiencing what you are but I just don't know any book that covers it. I wish we had a better resource for you.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

I can relate to some of the comments here. It was suggested by both psychologists and a psychiatrist a few years ago (when I was 26), that I was experiencing an early midlife crisis. A few books that helped me: "If Not Now, When?" and "Change Your Life in 30 Days: A Journey to Finding Your True Self." There were too many more to mention here.

Two years later, I have a completely different life, and feel quite satisfied.

One thing I learned from this ongoing "process," was that focusing on my age didn't help. Reading lots of books in which people talked about feelings I shared helped to a point. Therapy helped. Meditation helped. Change itself, however, had the most profound influence on my life. I really had to do some hard work to envision what I wanted, then make the difficult choices to bring those desires to fruition. What is that you really need to do? Are you really willing and ready to make the necessary changes to do that?

I dealt with the existential side of things, and contemplations on mortality by volunteering with Hospice. Death can be a teacher. The existentialists seem to agree on this point.

All best, and a sublime journey to you...

I cited this as an example of why we accept and encourage comments at LifeTwo. Thank you for your contribution.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

Whenever my daughter comes home from Uni, my new wife has a tizzy fit!!!! She does not understand my daughter, she blames me for being a wimp when I left my wife and couldn't face the ex-wife, she the wife brings up loads of instances that I have no recollection of!!! Can you ease my mind? Explain or help, she has been absoluting disgusting recently with a cold and she is pregnant again and it is REALLY disgusting? She chokes up phlem, like and old trouper, I know, I am one!

HELP ME,

I am not really sure what is going on with me. Is is a mlc, or am I just totally going crazy? I have known my husband for 9 years, we have been together for over 6 years, and married for just over 3 years. I had 2 children young, and we have 2 together. I am only 32. I have 4 daughters.
I was a stay at home mom for the first 4 years we were together, then he changed careers (great move for him, and us) and I had to start working. I got a night job that way no daycare costs. I love my job. I am only a night stocker, but I respect what I do, and know that without people in that position, the company could not function. All of the managers thank me for my dedication, and sense of ownership of the department I work in. This has given me a feeling of confidence that I have never had.
For years my husband has told me to be confident, learn how to make decisions. Well now I have those abbilities, and I like it. He doesn't.
These feelings have left me in a state of confusion. I never knew that I could be sucessfull. When I was a child, all I wanted to be was a mom. I didn't know there was a whole new world out there. My daughters are 13, 8, 2, and 1. I have given all I can to my familly, and all of a sudden I wonder who I am, where do I want to be, what do I want to do.
I have been working overtime for a little extra money for me. I actually went and bought a mp3 player for work, then felt guilty that I spent 50$ on myself. I would rather be at work than at home. My co-workers are very close friends, we are like familly.
I want to go hang out with my friends, but feel bad that my husband would be at home, so I don't. He doesn't have friends, and says he doesn't need any because I am his best friend.
I just want to run away! I want to be alone, to myself no resposibility, I understand that life won't allow that, but what about me!
I told my husband that I am thinking about going camping for a couple of days, taking my paints and a pad of paper. Going to a beach campgound that I would go to as a kid. I could sit on the dock and just be by myself. This of course upset him. I understand that, but again, what about me! I think I need to go. I am going to go.
Am I wrong? Am I nuts? Do I need to be commited, or is this normal? These are things only I can decide. I hate making him feel this way, but still and again, what about me?

I am blown away by all the posts that have been added to my initial one. If nothing else, at least we are not alone ladies. And just knowing that makes me feel better that I am not "crazy" as my mother often suggests. :)

I wanted to share a book I am in the middle of reading, which may seem like an odd recommendation. The book is titled, West of Jesus: Surfing, Science, and the Origins of Belief by Steven Kotler. It's about a thirty-ish guy who has his own midlife set of crisis problems including a near-death experience. Through it, he rediscovers surfing and experiences an existential transformation. I found it to be quite relatable, even though I am not a guy or a surfer.

Also, I suggest The Call: Discovering Why You Are Here by Oriah Mountain Dreamer which I listened to as an audio book as downloaded from iTunes. It's about discovering your purpose in life and gave me great insights onto my angst and tools to deal with it. Highly recommended, 5 stars.

Hope these are a help and best of luck to you all. There should be a support group but I haven't been able to find any. Maybe LifeTwo can start an online discussion/support group for us (hint-hint)?

---
(editor's note: we added an Amazon link in case you want to learn more about the book)

I just found this site when I googled Early Mid Life Crisis. I honestly don't know what to do with myself anymore...I have seen therapists, gone through an Intensive Outpatient Program, talked to doctors, friends, family...no one suggested MLC and for some reason, it just hit me. I'm sure that's what this is. I have such a profound dissatisfaction with my entire life and I have no idea what I want instead-- I just know this isn't it. I'm 34, divorced, two beautiful children, decent job, nice home...and absolutely miserable.

I will read the books recommended but it would help so much to talk this over with other women or even partner with someone to work through it and not give up...are there support groups for this sort of thing? I'm in Orange County, CA.

Meg

i think i'm ready to put all this mid life crisis stuff behind me and start practicing what i've learned from it. this site has been helpful in knowing that others out there know what i'm feeling and how being soooo introspective is maybe one of the worst experiences i've ever been through. painful and consuming. i want my decisions to be my own and i want to stop re-acting to stuff. i want to think things through before i make a decision. i think the worst is behind me and if I can really walk the walk now that things have gotten straightened up on the inside, i can have a better future. hopefully i'll learn to laugh at what got me here.

I wish I were closer to help you out. You sound like a very conflicted, but interesting person. :-)

I know what you mean about single people being "left out" of many things, as well as the pressure on singles to get married and have a bunch of kids. After my wife and I married, we were constantly bombarded by "When are you going to have a baby?" and "When am I going to see my grand children/niece/nephew/etc." I finally took a leaf from Robert Heinlein: "Learn to say "no" and be rude when necessary." It's your life and your decisions on marriage/kids are no one's business but yours and your partner's. If people are rude about asking, be nice at first and if they persist, be a little harsh. Some people think it's "cute" to ask those questions, for some reason. It's not. It's annoying.

You have a right to your own life and fulfillment and to do what makes you happy. It's no one's business but your own, unless you are going to break the law or something similarly drastic. Your family can worry all they want. You need to draw lines and enforce them - You are not here to live up to their expectations of you. It's YOUR life.

You'd be surprised how many people will respect your decisions after you tell them to MYOB. You have every right to feel offended at their continual assault on you. It's called "harassment" in my opinion, and it's uncalled for. You are right to take your time and "feel your way" down the path of your life. Many of us either didn't do that and wish they had the opportunity when they were young. At least you'll know that you tried hard to find your way, no matter how it turns out. Rather that than wonder someday about your missed opportunities and paths not taken, like I am today.

I applaud your decision to work in an alternative high school. If that's what you love, you might be better off emotionally doing that rather than sticking your head back in the noose of a high-stress job. Only you can make that decision, though. Would a second job be easier on you for getting the money to fix up the house?

Why are you feeling guilty about the car? It's a practical decision. If the car wasn't what you needed, what's the problem? You did the right thing, IMHO.

It's very hard to break those old habits from previous jobs. I can attest to that, having been pushed out of a field I loved to do something that pays well, but isn't fulfilling for me. I grin and bear it for now as I look for my escape hatch.

Keep us posted and let us know how you're doing.

"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)

I am not sure it's a midlife crisis. It's more like an unsupportive and smothering spouse. You are only 34 and have spent some of your best years raising kids and supporting your husband. No wonder he doesn't want things to change, this arrangement is great for him. But you need to take care of yourself. Marriages come and go. You always have to take care of yourself, regardless if you're married or not. marriage is supposed to be a two-way street. As long as the kids are cared for, do what you need to do.

I'm so glad I happened upon this site! I'm grateful for all the book suggestions. I, too, am 35 yrs old, single. I have a job that I like, own a home, have a great family and hobbies that fill out my day. And yet, I'm miserable. I thought it was just depression - finally setting in after a long-term relationship ended. It seems to be more, though. This feeling of general dissatisfaction with my life is overwhelming. I'm having trouble finding another partner and I've been really focussing on that, but I've just recently had the epiphany that I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I want out of life, I don't know what my goals are, I don't know how to envision myself 10 years from now. I'm realizing that just having a man in my life will just cover up the problem, not fix it. So how does one fix this problem?

I have a feeling that I will keep referring back to this site. I'm very grateful for having found it. Thank you thank you!!

A

I went through this in my divorce. When my wife filed for divorce at that age of 31, she told me I was 7%5 of her problems. The good thing is that after the divorce she realized SHE was the problem. She went into therapy, got medicated, reconciled with her mother, and did many other positive things.

You have fled every person in your life, changed geography, and even occupation.

It is time to stop and realize that it does not matter if this is a midlife crisis. It is a life crisis, and you are your own worst enemy.

I don't know what your "issues" are. I am sure they are real.
You do deserve to be happy, but life is not all about you.

For those who are "bored" with their comfortable life.
Do not end your marraige! SUSPEND your marriage. If you need real change, moving out will hopefully wake your stupid husband up.

Just because I am happy does not mean I can sit on my arse if my partner is miserable.

Falling out of love is not big deal. Real grownups don't bail at that point.

I went to church with an old couple in the 70s. They were married 20 years and when the empty nest hit, she realized she did not love her husband.

Instead of bailing, they went into counseling. It took 3 years, but she fell back in love. The were the cutest old couple. Their love was SO evident.

Would you work on your marraige for 3 years? I hope so, but most modern people are too selfish and lazy to try.

I have seen marriages fail when they could suceed. the common factor is that one partner refused to change their assumptions or behaviors.

I know a marriage where the man was so apathetic that when she said, If you try to change one little thing, I will stay."
if he had stopped smoking for a week she said she would stay.
in therapy he refused to do any of the tasks assigned.

He was gulty, in my abuse, of GROSS and PATHOLOGICAL NEGLECT, which is as real form of abuse.

anonymous, I don't know your background, but an ethical divorce is based on when 1 partner: commits adultery, or starts an emotional "love" relatioship with someone else, or neglects their duties to love, honor, and cherish.

My aunt was a selfish twit bored in her marriage. She had 100 reasons why she should leave. He begged her to come back for 2 years, then gave up and remarried.

after being in the dating pool a few years, she realized she threw away the one good man she had ever dated. every person she has dated so far does not compare.

she was an idiot.
don't be an idiot.

Thank you all for sharing the above.

I'm 36, married ten years, with two little girls (4 and 5). The past six months or so I've realised I"m not in love with my husband, not sure if I ever was, and although I don't hate him and definitely don't want to devastate him, I can not go on living this 'comfortable' life.

He doesn't want to change. And the few attempts at things he's made make me uncomfortable because they're just not him.

I'm happy to live life as a single mum, if it means not having him in my life.

I've started exercising more adn taking better care of myself. Sociallising a little more, and doing more things for me, but NEVER at the expense of my kids.

Anyone have any advice on how to end a relationship without devastating the other person????

Girls, u are not alone :)

What a powerful account. Hope you get help you need. This could end very badly.

I have been trying to figure out what is going on with me. It's not depression. It's not anxiety. I don't want to be prescribed medication to try and fix my problems, but I have been spiraling out of control for months now. I am well educated, successful, and married with a son and stepdaughter. But I am so completely discontent. I want out of the whole situation.

I travel extensively for work, and I have recently started to take these trips as opportunities to go on massive drinking binges, using drugs, and engaging in one night stands. I say one night stands, but I have actually maintained or started a "friendship" with all of the men. Technology makes it so easy now. And, unfortunately, my actions have caused break ups and strife in these men's marriages or relationships now. And I am not out to ruin other people's lives.

I am very outgoing and have a knack for attracting people with the same interests and personalities almost immediately when walking into a room. It's a great quality, but not when I am using it to be self destructive. And it habitual now.

I have gone to counseling by myself. My husband is equally miserable and has no idea what is going on with me. He wants to go to counseling together, which is great, except I do not want him to find out what I have been doing while not at home. I don't know what to do, and I don't think I'm going to stop anytime soon.

I am so happy that I came across this website. It really helps to know that I am not alone. And it will give me a place to purge all these feelings and experiences that I am going through without being judged. I do not want to turn to my friends or family in fear of them disliking me because of my actions or having it all used against me in the future. So I don't even know if I am looking for advice, or if I am just looking for someone to listen to what I am going through and to let me know I am not alone and that things will get better.

Thanks.

Lydia

Wow. We so often hear the story from the spouse of the person having the affair. It is so enlightening to read it from your perspective. Your reservations about mutual marriage counseling are understandable but there is nothing saying that you can't do both. Go alone for your own healing and also attend separate sessions with your husband. Of course part of the healing process is complete honesty but there are times where this is a theoretical ideal and a step that you aren't ready for or possibly won't ever be ready for. That said, you do need to get your arms around what you are going through enough at least to stop the affairs.

As you know, no good can come from the affairs regardless of whatever short-term boost they give you. You already know the significant risks you are facing on so many levels. We are working on a series of posts on infidelity and the short strokes is that it is impossible to cover up all of the signs. A determined spouse can almost always find out. Sometimes they don't even have to be determined. There are now a lot of people in on your "secret", all it takes is one of them or one the people they tell or one of their spouses, etc. to decide it's time your husband finds out. You also face STD issues, workplace problems, and whatever guilt you end up dumping on yourself, then there is the affect on your husband and your children if/when they find out.

I know that it is tough fighting so many fires on so many fronts: the malaise, drinking, drug use, and the affairs, and hope the best for you in figuring it out. You mentioned that you are successful in business so I'm sure that you will in fact solve this, I just hope that you are able to do so sooner rather than later given the risks that you are facing. Please do keep posting so that others can learn from you. We get well over 1000 people reading a comment for each person who leaves one. That means there are a lot of folks with similar issues trying to learn and the best people they can learn from are people like you in the midst of figuring it all out.

Good luck and don't hesitate to let us know how we can help. The infidelity series is going to run in December and I think you'll be surprised at all of the ways that people can be tripped up.

Once again, thank you for contributing.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!Wesley Hein

Hi all. This is extremely embarrassing for me to write about my problem here. But, I think I, too, am having a MLC at 34! This definitely blindsighted me and I didn't see it coming.

I appreciate all the advice and am going to try out the books one of the ladies recommended.

I have a great husband, two beautiful children, a nice house, am almost done with a Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing degree and tutor writing one night a week at a local community college.

I think my MLC may have been triggered by some deaths/illnesses in the family. Over the period of a couple of weeks, my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, a beloved aunt died and her husband, who had a stroke a few years ago, came to live with my parents.

Whatever caused it, all I know is that I am zooming around trying to do everything and be Wonder Woman and have the perfect home, career, grad school, and burning myself out in the process. Yet, I am getting this feeling that I only have so much time and it is URGENT to do things like NOW! Can anyone relate to this?

I am in the process of weaning my second child so maybe this is caused in the sudden change in hormones? I am not tempted to have an affair but I do want more sex with my husband suddenly, which I am sure he won't mind!

Also, I find myself thinking a lot about my childhood and my 20s and remembering fondly the freedom of being able to go away for a weekend on a ski trip with no kids.

Also, the accomplishments which once seemed meaningful don't seem so any more. And I am ansy to move on to the next thing, like teaching a college class. I am beginning to feel like I should be earning more money than my meager tutoring job (although my husband makes us a comfortable living).

I find myself thinking more about the dream log home we've always wanted, wishing we had a ski lodge in the mountains, etc, etc. This is not like me as I've always been satisfied with our lifestyle, which is nice, includes lots of travel, etc., etc.

Well, I could go on and on about all this angst I am feeling and I don't really even know why I'm posting here. I, too, did a Web search and found this Web site. Maybe someone could have some insight/wisdom to share with me.

Does this sound like a MLF????

Thanks.

The loss of people close to you + hormonal changes + the passage of time can certainly form the basis for some heavy introspective thinking. While it wasn't the best circumstances that may have triggered your current thoughts you seem exceptionally well-grounded and the perfect candidate to exit the midlife introspective period with a renewed sense of purpose and direction. MLCs aren't about fast cars and affairs (that's Hollywood's version) they are about figuring out what you want to do next and how to incorporate your talents, wants and desires into your life. It doesn't all have to make sense now, but it should soon. One tool that you might like is to create a list of the 100 things that you want to do before you die. The list itself isn't that important, it's the thinking that goes into making it that send you off in the right direction. You might also like this series of posts about happiness in general.

If you haven't already done so also read our meta post on Midlife Crisis.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

Thanks for such a rapid response to my post! I don't FEEL exceptionally well-grounded but, I guess I am, if you base it on the fact that I'm not out buying a new sports car or making impetus decisions! In fact, I do get the feeling that I WILL be able to get through this okay!

Thanks!

You may not feel it now but many, many folks exit the period with thanking their lucky stars that they did go through it else they would have remained on the same non-optimized trajectory with their lives. Things don't have to be bad to be able to be improved. I'm excited to see what you come up with.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

Thanks. I've already ordered a slew of the books recommended by other people who have posted here. I am doing some soul-searching and feel like revitalizing many aspects of my life. I find myself worndering how I can make more of a contribution than I currently am, if you know what I mean???