What do I do if I think my husband is having a midlife crisis? Part 2

I think that my husband might be going through a mid life crisis--he is 35. Basically came home from out of town and said that he wanted to seperate. That he needed to decide if his feelings for me were strong enough to stay. Said that he feels out of control, unsure about everything--when he has always felt sure about things, was reevaluating his life. Said that he was having a really hard time with this birthday (35) coming up. The thing is this was all out of the blue. We have been happy, we have had normal ups and downs, nothing that would lead to this drastic decision. Should I look into this being a possible mid life crisis? We have been married 10 years and together for 12 and I am NOT willing to just give up-I just don't know what to do.

There are a number of articles on the site that might help you from determining what your husband might be going through including suggestions what you might want to do.

Listening and learning as much as you can are the best things you can do, plus making sure to not forget to take care of yourself during this period--eating, sleeping, doing the best to manage the stress, having friends/family there for support, etc.

Keep us posted and if you don't find what you need, here or somewhere else, just leave another comment.

Good luck.

Is 35 pretty young for this? I have been reading some of the articles and it does seem that the MLC describes his behavior--but I have also read some articles on depression and I am wondering about that. I am uncertain how to bring this up to him. Since he did mention the hard time he was having with the birthday, maybe he would be receptive to checking out the possiblity of a MLC. I just don't know how to bring it up. Also, he takes Paxil for anxiety/panic and has been for about 3-4 years--could the Paxil cause any depression or mood changes.

Questions concerning the Paxil and his possible reactions to it should be directed to the medical provider who gave him the prescription. If he is saying that he is feeling "out of control" as you noted above then they really need to be consulted. The most common advice that I read that is given to women in your situation is to do as much listening as possible and to resist using the term midlife crisis or any other label when talking to them unless they bring it up first. That and to get you both into counseling, if not together, then go by yourself. Given the terms he is using in describing himself hopefully he'll be open to going. Good luck.

My husband is 36 and we have two children , 3yrs and 5weeks. ABout two months before having the baby, I noticed a change in his demeanor. He started withdrawing and when I questioned what was wrong or why he wasn't happy, he couldn't tell me. After prying and forcing the issue, he claimed to have a lot of discontentment with work (goals), missed opportunities, lack of assertiveness, and of course, he wasn't sure what his feelings were for me. He needed a break to see if missed having me in his life.
Since having the baby, a lot has changed. Much like you and your husband, we had our ups and downs, but nothing that seemed threatening to the marriage. After having the baby, he said he needed solitude and space to figure out things. Ten days postpartum, I told him to go and that staying was only prolonging the misery. He was gone for two weeks at a hotel, still going to work, calling to check in, but minimal conversation. He is now at home, but we are sleeping in seperate rooms. I started seeing a therapist because I feel like I am living a nightmare. He is not nearly as excited about the baby as he was with the first one. The therapist said most likely because he considering leaving and attaching himself to the baby would make it more difficult to leave. All of the signs point to a midlife crisis, but like you I initially felt that he was too young. After reading and trying to find answers for why this happening to me, it has only led me to this conclusion, a definite Mid -Life Crisis.

Now he is talking about getting an apartment until he sorts out his feelings for me. He does not want to see a counselor so I have looked into this concept of a controlled seperation where you set ground rules. He has agreed to putting this down onto paper. Sometimes I wonder why this happening after 8years of marriage and 10 years of being together. He does not discuss it with anyone. I am left to feel ashamed, heartbroken, and wondering if there is any hope for the situation.

He does not want a divorce at this time, nor does he want to sell the house. However, I am left waiting. I believe in marriage and do not want to give up, but I just don't know what the right plan of action is at this point.

After reading your dilemma/situation, I felt some relief that I was not alone. Please write back if you need to talk or if you have found any info. that is inspiring or helpful.
Best wishes.

To both posters - your suffering is huge. The only consolation is seeing you are not alone. Glad to see the last person has therapeutic support.

What can be tricky is thinking of the midlife crisis as some kind of diagnosis. It is not. It is not a disease or illness. It is a name that captures many different behaviors that have the discontent with how life is going as a common theme.

There could be a myriad of psychological and emotional issues that someone is struggling with as they grapple with midlife. So be sure to look at those when trying to help a loved one. Don't rest on thinking the common struggles at midlife are a diagnosis.

The above comment was by me - sorry

Dave

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www.thedisquiet.com
Helping men who feel something missing in their lives

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This sounds all too familiar. My 41 year old husband informed me on our 21st anniversary that he might have to leave if "things" didn't get better. I didn't know anything needed fixing. We have 2 beautiful kids, 8 (girl) and 10 (boy), a wonderful house on a farm and have enjoyed "the good life" for many years. He said he just wasn't happy. Then he started blaming me for everything that was making him unhappy. He became a Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde. It became a bunch of nonsense. After many months of thinking he was going through a midlife crisis and he would just snap out of it eventually, he wanted to move into an apartment so he could have his space and think. Things just became "bizarre" and knowing something was up, I hired a private investigator as a last resort. Ends up he had been having and still is having a long term affair with one of our friends. I still believe all of this is part of a severe midlife crisis and one day he will hit the wall and realize what he has done. I'm afraid too much damage has been done to save our 25 year old relationship and I'm sad about that. I just feel really sorry for him. My advice to you - think the unthinkable - another woman. I denied it for so long and still have a hard time believing everything that has happened over the past year. It's so surreal. I couldn't and still can't imagine that my husband would be capable of such deceit and dishonesty and I still have a hard time believing that he could loose sense of all the values and morals that he once had. I don't think that in your husband's case - it's just "out of the blue". Investigate and take care of yourself.

i have been married for 18 years and known my hubby for 21. the day before our eldest sons 20th birthday, we had a terrible row and he packed his bags and went to stay with his parents (something he said he would never do.)that was 9 weeks ago, he has since put in for a divorce and is now living with a woman and her two kids and they are looking for a new house together.
he works with this woman,but she hasn't been there that long.
in the nine weeks of leaving me he has become a different person and i'm begining to think its a mid life crisis or he's flipped or she has got some spell over him.his behaviuor just isn't him and everybody who knows him just cannot beleive what he is putting me through. what do i do?

I've been married almost 7 yrs. and with my husband well over 11 yrs. now. We have a soon to be 3 yr. old daughter, and to us, she is our life. Recently, my husband was involved in a motorcycle accident, back in Dec.. He wasn't badly injured, but this bike was pretty new, and something he's wanted for years now. We later found out the bike was totalled. Two months later, he turned 30, and I noticed a change coming over him towards the end of March. He was very distant towards me, coming home late, and just wasn't acting like himself. April 3rd, we had decided to talk to get down to what was bothering him. He told me that he was no longer in love with me, hasn't felt sparks with me EVER, and told me that he's living the daily life of "motion" and has been on auto for years now. He tells me that he thinks it would be best if he got a hotel for a few nights, and when he comes back, we would discuss this. Easter day, he comes back, and he tells me that he didn't miss me like he should be missing me, and that he doesn't know why he doesn't have any emotion to everything I was telling him. He stayed for the night, and after that, he decided to stay at his office. He would get up every morning early to work out, so that no one knew that he was staying there. I have asked him if there was someone else, and he's told me that he would never do that to me, and my gut tells me the same. I went to his work to get some insight about his work, and some of the guys told me that he had been acting very distant, and his paper work was starting to get very sloppy. This concerned me, because that doesn't sound like my husband. A few weeks later, I went out of town to see some family, and the conversations with him were very short. He told me that he didn't know when he wanted our daughter or I to come back, that he was enjoying life, he's unhappy in our marriage, and that our love for one another should come natually..(which I thought it always was). I later found out that his insurance claim from the accident came in, and he has basically spent all of it. He bought himself diamond stud earrings (he does have an ear peirced) he purchased a gun (something he's wanted ever since pawning his old one) and he planned a trip to FL. for Memorial Day weekend. I decided to come home, only to find out that he is renting a room with some man for a while. He did take our daughter with him to FL. so they could have time together, which was great. But to me, this seems absolutely crazy! We are both seeing individual therapists, which is good, but I'm wondering what I should do about this whole thing. I've been praying about it all, keeping faith in my marriage and full of hope that he'll come around. But sometimes I'm going nuts because he doesn't call or come by. Anyone have any suggestions?? Does this sound like a MLC? Thank you!

I have caught my husband of 25 years about 3 months ago. Although that day he had left for a business trip kissing and hugging me and saying he was going to miss me I found out he had not really left! When I confronted him he said he wanted to leave because he was unhappy and wanted to spend as much time as possible outside home because he felt oppressed by my dominant character . He says he wants to find out who he really is and has now moved to an apartment.He denies having another woman (although he says that he had some one night stands) and blames me and all women for his miseries. The thing is I also had some problems realting to his lack of emotional responsiveness and his workcholism bu I had never ever dreamt of losing him. He says he feels terrified whenever I call him or try to talk to him. He does not ask for divorce but says he will not come back. I feel as though he is a trapped little animal, I am trying to move closer by arranging famiky get togethers and we even went out for dinner twice. I try to avoid the issue, talk about general things and try to be as loving as possible. But lately he has been trying to avoid me. What do I do now?

I too am dealing with a husband of few years and together for 20 with a 3 year old at home. At first I could not figure out why he was so distant and that just drove me away also. I recently found out there was another woman, a friend of the family, and we have been dealing with that issue. My only suggestion to you is be prepared for the worst. If you have two kids, start playing what you will do. Do not wait for your husband to come back one day and say I want out and we are selling the house. You will feel stronger if you have your own future planned and ready to go. Who knows, you may be the one saying "I have had enough and want out."

I am going through the same thing. I have read so much about mid-life crisis. I also am not willing to give up after 17 years together (13 married). My husband has moved out but he comes to the house daily to see our son. He often seems as if he doesn't want to leave so I know there is a war going on inside of him. I will not divorce him so that he can seek counseling during this time. My insurance covers it. I hope that some day we can be an older couple saying that we made it through a terrible time but became stronger for it. I have been up and down with depression. There are moments I wanted to drive off a cliff but my childrens voices haunt my brain at those times and I change my mind. I started going to Alanon meetings since he is from a family of alcoholics and it is soo much help. Get a support system and I will say a prayer for yours and my family! Good Luck!

You cannot blame yourselves, they are not themselves. The chemicals in their brains are shifting, which makes it seem like they are from another planet. My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years. We have 2 boys, ages 9 and 7&1/2. We have had a great, blessed life, but have had problems too. I was 23, young and immature when we married. I was consumed with fear of abandonment and insecurity. My parents divorced when I was little, so I want even more to keep my family in tact. Take care of yourselves, do things you enjoy, become more independent, men like that in a woman anyways. I was told my my therapist to be a little mysterious, do new, fun, and exciting things during this time, for yourself, that may also help him. Above all patience is what I believe is the key. I am so hopeful that my husband will gain some clarity with some medication and/or when this shift ends. I knwo someone whose husband calls them the stupid years now. Just do things for yourself, your children, don't put your life on hold. I am trying hard to practice these things myself. It is hard I know, believe me. I think our situation in even harder with the infidelity mixed in. We both cheated, need to put it behind us, and move on. We can have a better, healthier marriage of that I am stubborn enough to say is true! I try in subtle ways to focus only on positive things and parts of our past when brought up.
We are communicating a lot, which is good. I too, want this to be over like yesterday, but have resolved to stick by his side and be there for him. I will be a better person in the end no matter what. I also know that my children will know that I did everything possible to keep things together. He did move out for about 5 months, but then has been back since the beginning of April. He describes time alone with me as uncomfortable, what do I do about that?
He obviously has issues to work out inside of himself, I cannot own those. I will conintue on my patient, strong, steady road. I am unwilling to even entertain the thought that we will not end up together whan his chemicals are done shifting. I just keep being stubborn and positive! You all can too!

Please help me help my husband he is 46, I am 43. I think he is going threw midlife crisis. We just had a talk. He doesn't even want me to kiss him or touch him anymore. He states he has never loved me. He didn't even love me when we married. He is a advid outdoors man. He said he only married me because I let him hunt and fish. Ever question I ask him he shrugs his shoulders, and says "I don't know." We have been together for 21 years, and married for 16. I don't know what to do. Please help me. I am seeing a thrapist. We do have a 14 year old daughter. Is this mid life crisis?? Are these any signs?? He keeps lashing out at me, with my daughter he is fine. Please help!!!!

Make sure read the article above and part 1. I think the key part is to understand what you can and cannot control. Also do you best to listen. Of course it's hard to do that when they are lashing out at you or not saying anything. But you said that you just had a talk so perhaps you'll have more and you'll be able to get a better picture. MLC expert Dave Schoof suggests staying away from "Why?" questions.

You asked for MLC signs. Midlife crisis is almost an umbrella term for things that can happen to men and women while in middle age. If someone becomes clinically depressed who happens to be in their 40's, people might call it midlife crisis even though it shares very few of the characteristics of a midlife crisis. The signs for the classical midlife crisis (that is the questioning of almost everything in one's life) can be found on this post.

Good luck.

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My husband is only 26 we have been married for 4 years together for seven,eventually bought a home and car, two kids 4 and 2and I am a homemaker now all of a sudden he wants to separate. Our stories are somewhat similar and I am not willing to give it up either. how long has it been going on and how are you coping with it.

First how can I help my husband get threw this??? You seem very wise to all of this mid-life crisis. What can I do??? How do I sign up for LifeTwo newsletter??? I tried going on your web site Wesley @lifetwo.com and I could not go on it any suggestions?? This is really tearing me up inside. I do go to a therapist and it is helping me, but am I going to the right one??? Sometimes I do feel like I am going no where with this. I am seeing a therapist for family and marriage problems is this the right one??? How can I help him. He comes in from work and barely speeks to me. The only time we have discussions is if I get upset and pry it out of him. Then he has gone as far as to put his hands over his ears. He doesn't want to do NOTHING with me. Please help me. It is going to take time??? And how much time??? Do people peek then some out of it?? He refuses to go to a doctor for a phyiscal, I have tried any suggestions there??? Please try and answer my questions!!! Help me anyone!!!!!!! Do they peek??? Thank-you!! To whoever can help me!! Very desperate to get help for him and live our lives together (TOGETHER!!) NORMALLY!!!!!

Your third question is the easiest. To sign up for the newsletter look in the upper right hand corner of this page (or any page on LifeTwo) and there should be a box (below the 'search' box) asking for your email address.

It's good you are seeing a therapist and we defer to whatever they are telling you. I'm just glad you are not trying to do this alone. Hopefully you have a full support system of friends and your family to help you through this. Depending on where you live there might be other services, some free, for you to pursue (via your church, women's support groups, etc.).

My only advice is that based on your last comment, you only get his attention when you get upset which causes him to withdraw further. I'm not sure what your therapist is saying but this doesn't seem like a good plan. I would do your best to keep interactions as positive as you can so that he doesn't (unfairly) equate interaction with you being a wholly unpleasant experience. At some point he'll hopefully open up and let you know what he thinks he is going through.

I'm sure your therapist has told you, it is essentially impossible to change someone else. So if something needs to change start with yourself. This is not saying it is you fault, far from it, and your surfing the Internet looking for ways to help your marriage speaks volumes of your efforts to be a supportive spouse. However what might be the best is to give him his space and for you to start doing things with your friends that you like. Start volunteering, join Toastmasters, or any number of other things that keep you active and around positive people. Hopefully this will lift your mood and give you a much needed break. It will also show him that you have a life as well and you are going to live it with our without him. While you are clear that you'd like it to be with him that will require his participation at some point.

I wish we could do more for you and perhaps one of the many people reading this post will share some insights that help you. Finally one area you might not have looked is here. Granted it is about men who are suffering through their wives's MLC but the parallels are surprising.

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Does anyone know how long this will last??? And is there ups and downs with MLC??? I must explain about how I only get his attention when I am upset. He only answers me in one word answers, I have to keep asking him questions or keep repeating myself. I stopped asking more than once. Sometimes I feel he gets gratitude when I am upset. Like he is doing it on purpose to punish me. My therapist told me NOT to give him that power of upsetting me. Sometimes I cannot help it. BUT I try very hard. Why does he tell me me has never loved me. But he does not want to leave??? Why does he not want to do ANYTHING with me??? All of a sudden he got like this???? Is he assambed at what he did??? Is MLC like a roller coaster ride ups and downs??? Or do they peek then come back to normal??? Thank you again for all your help, you have really been a blessing to me. I will do what ever I can to help us!! thank you!!!!!!

I agree with your therapist about not giving in and being upset. I just don't see how it helps anything and it seems very unhealthy for you and your "relationship."

As for the rest of your questions, no one knows. Since he has not seen a doctor you don't know if there is a medical reason contributing to the situation. Since he hasn't communicated with you, you have very little idea on what is going on in his head. Is alcohol involved? Depression? Mania? Hormones? Until he decides to open up to you or perhaps a trusted family member or friend you will be in the dark.

If you read the discussion posts here you'll see that both husbands and wives get hit with the "I don't love you" or "I've never loved you" out of the blue. Why does a spouse say it? Perhaps it's to hurt the other one, perhaps it's a defense mechanism for themselves to justify their behavior.

I empathize with your wish for concrete answers but unfortunately when dealing with situations like these they are few and far between. Again, please read the posts in the discussion groups that I referenced above and you'll see how others are dealing with their somewhat similar situations. (You should also read the posts in the Midlife Crises section of this site, especially 20 Questions about Midlife Crises.

One thing you might want to consider is asking someone that he might talk to (a sibling of theirs?) to talk to him if you haven't already done so. Other than that would be to focus on your own health and stress and follow whatever other advice your therapist gives you.

Does MLC also involve lack of intemacy??? He does not want to even kiss me or I cannot even give him the littlest touch, he will tell me don't. Could this me erectile disfunction??? Do men act like this. The reason why I bring this up, by nephew (who is 16) and has also noticed this behavior with my husband. He seen an info commercial and has said Uncle Steve has all those characteristics. (Depression, pushes away his wife, NO affection, refuses any sexual contact, no hugging or touching) He said it was just like Uncle Steve. Could this be MLC or erectile disfunction??? Do they peek then come down to normal??? I thought about looking up doctors for him and writing him a letter, telling him I will help him or he can do it on his own. What do you think of this idea??? Thank-you!!!

look up midlife crisis archives on it is the steps of midlife crisis. this will help all spouses of MLC what to do, its hard, its painful, but it is the only way, sometimes the spouse with MLC comes back, by that time both spouses will have changed it will never be the marriage it was before because you both have grown and learned lessons. and sadly alot of marriages dont make it. one the left at home spouse just gives up from all the pain, or the MLCER pushes the divorce through or just go all out abandonment of the family. good luck, truly look at the steps they will help you all. signed a wife waiting for spouse to finish MLC

Thank you to all that has been trying to help me. This is really tearing me up inside. I feel helpless and I feel, that I want to help him and myself and our family and I keep hitting dead end roads. This is also something I am trying to understand. My 16 year old nephew came to me and is noticing the unusal behavior of his uncle, he thought it might be, erectial disfunction. I know this is not MLC but could it be??? I will look up internet divorce busters forum. Thank-you!!! His behavior is only directed at me. Is this normal for MLC, I don't even now how to act around him. He seems so lost and depressed when he is around me. I am afraid for him. Thank you again to everyone!!

My partner of 7 years has told me she is no longer attracted to me. We have had 4 years of financial hardship due to her starting her own business and I've supported her in every aspect, from emotional to financial to actual physical labour. Around the time she started her business, she experienced the death of a close relative--a year later, she lost her grandmother, who was actually more like her mother. We have been going to therapy for one month, and she says she has felt this way (not attracted to me) for (coincidentally) 4 years. Not to tell her how she is feeling, but I think it is more like the last 2 years. In any event, this has devastated me, but I am still optimistic that we can work through it now that all this issues are on the table as a result of therapy. She says she felt "squashed" and that she lost her independence as a result of our dynamic we fell into. I got into some bad relationship habits (smothering, albeit inadvertantly, as well as laziness around the house). Today she told me she couldn't see her getting past her walls and rebuilding our intimacy. She said intimacy is the only thing missing, but she doesn't want to try to get it back. The reason I think this could be a MLC is that she said that she doesn't know if she's afraid of death, but "what if" she died next year--would she "have lived her life to the fullest?" She said that she loves me and that I'm her best friend--we have a great time together and I love her deeply. I admire and respect her as a person, and not only do we love each other, we truly like each other. I have made the behaviour adjustments necessary to be a more equal partner and am trying to give her space, but she refuses to see any progress. Her reason for not wanting to try? She said the only way she can see learning to like herself and regain independence is to "run away" and start with a fresh clean slate. Take everything we've built together, our love, frendship, pets, dreams, and future and throw it all away. Is this an MLC? She's 35. She says she doesn't want to try, and she usually means what she says and doesn't speak flippantly, but we're still going to therapy. Also, I asked her why she was still here at home then, if she has no intention of trying to make this work and rebuild? She had no answer that made sense. Just that she can't see getting past her own walls and numbness, she "knows herself" and she has never been able to get past her walls before once they're up (though her last relationship was while she was in her mid-20s, so hopefully she's grown). So she wants to run away. I feel like the past 7 years have been a lie--I never thought she would trample my feelings like this. This is someone I want to spend my life with. I say "let's take it day by day and see if dealing with the issues helps ease down the walls and rebuild intimacy" and she gets angry because she says she told me she doesn't have the desire to try. But...why is she still here?

I feel for you in your situation; wanting to move forward and to fix what is broken but having a partner that doesn't want to do so.

If I may loosely paraphrase "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus", men like to fix problems and women want empathy. You see a problem and you want to fix it and move on. Meanwhile your partner is thinking 'hey, I've got issues, and changing your behavior doesn't address all of those.'

Tell her that you understand what she is feeling and that it must not have been easy for her to speak up. I'd try to get her to do the majority of the talking and try to avoid trying to fix problems as she brings them up since this will rob her of the opportunity to get empathy from you.

As far as the "not attracted for 4 years" comment, I wouldn't put too much credence in this. I think this is to make it seem like less of a rash action on her part, which probably wouldn't be supported by friends, therapists, you, or anyone else that she confides in. Can you imagine someone saying "I loved this guy until this last week and now I want out"? People would tell her that she was being crazy or selfish. But to say, "I've tried for 4 years to make it work and only now am I giving up" will likely be met with people telling her that she is smart to move on and what a wonderful person she has been to try for so long. From your perspective, I would focus less on what she says now to rationalize her actions and more on what you have observed over the past 7 years--good or bad.

I think your choice is really whether you live together while this thing plays itself out. You have to make that decision, but based on what you've written I don't see a quick fix.

I think you might want to also consider counseling just for you. Yes with yer you've had dreams, goals, love, etc., but presumably you've also had dreams and goals separate from her. Now is the time for you to be thinking about those. I'm sure you know that the only person you can change is yourself. You can't I think you need to start doing things on your own. Go out with your friends (and not spending the whole night talking about her) and do things that you like to do. This will serve many purposes. 1) It will be healthy for you. 2) It will show her that you are going to live your life with or without her. 3) It will make you seem more attractive to her and everyone else for that matter. It's possible when she sees you moving forward this will shake her out of her funk but it's equally possible that it won't. Furthermore, this shouldn't be the motivation for you to do so. Instead you should be making the most of you life whether or not she decides to come along.

These are just my thoughts and you'll need to do what you think is right. Please continue to post your experiences here so others can benefit from what you learn and good luck.

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There's been a bad change. She left 4 days ago and when she came back today to pick up some clothes, she was adamant that it's a permanent breakup. She says she feels like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders after only 4 days away and she knows this is the right decision. I said of course it feels like a weight has been lifted--we had nothing but pain and anxiety for the past month (and according to her, she's struggled for longer than that). But I also asked how could she proclaim that it's permanent after just a few days, with no time to miss me, all our pets, and our life together? I just want her to allow for the possibility that with a separation, her newfound "lightness" could translate into a change in attitude toward our relationship. But she refuses to admit that there's even a possibility. Doesn't that seem off? I can never say never--how can she? I'm giving her the space she needs. I'm not calling her except to tell her when I'm not in the house so she can go in with no pressure and spend time with the dogs for a few hours at a time. Is her reaction a common one--being so absolute in her belief that it's over? I've been her biggest fan, a cheerleader for her in every aspect of her life. How can she throw that all away? I'm doing what you said--going to therapy, seeing friends. But I have to believe in the possibility she'll miss me and our life and come back at one point. We're each other's best friend. How could she just give that up?

I feel your pain and confusion. I am only 32 and my husband 34 - he's decided that we should separate. We've had our issues over 10 years of marriage but this took my totally by suprise (he emailed me this request, at work!). This is day 4 since he told me he wants us finished. Fortunately, we don't have children but how to cope with it is a difficult question. It seems everything I am reading states to really just wait it out - give him the space and time that he says he needs (believe me, I know this isn't fair to you and you probably feel extremly hurt and angry, as do I) however, I love this man like nothing else and I am not willing to just walk away when I know he isn't being himself and he's being self-destructive. Focus on your children - maybe you need to set a time line in your mind and if things aren't any better by that date - perhaps you have to let him go? I don't want to let my husband go.

It all started when I invited my mother to stay with us for a while. My mom would like to live with me but my husband is against it and hardly speaks to me now that mom is here. My husband and I had a discussion about the new living arrangements and I apologized for not discussing the arragements with him as it is his home as wel.

We had a long discussion about the living arrangement and we agreed to get my mom a townhome close by and we will assist with the monthy payments.

I thought this was resolved but he has been very distant and we talk about other things but he will not discuss why I feel like a neglected wife.

We have been married for 17 years with 2 children and it seemed as if we were fairly happy prior to my mom moving in temporarily.

In our 17 years of marriage, he has never been the one to initiate trips, going out together or even buying me a gift on his own for Christmas.

To top it off, I don't even have a wedding ring. I feel as if I have to beg for a ring (and I refuse to do that).

I need some advice. How can I get him to open up?

I often think about going out and finding a male friend to confide in.

About two years ago, age 46, I felt confused, out-of-sorts, stuck in a rut, dead ended, restless, disjointed. dreamed a lot. I thought it was the blues but I could not shake this feeling. On the outside I looked and okay and conducted myself as if nothing was wrong but inside .....This went on for several weeks. I tried to share my feelings, thinking she could help. She would not even listen. I found out how lacking she was when it came to emotional intimacy. Anyway, got tired of feeling this way. I guess I felt like just taking off on my own would be ideal but I knew that was crazy. I had a wife who I made a committment to. And a daughter who didn't ask to be born and who had every right to expect that her father would always be there for her. I got tired of it and sked an appointment with my therapist. I have seen him off and on for the 15 years of or marriage. As a result he's aware of my "issues", how much I've grown over the yar and my strong desire to live a healthy life. He listened and after about 30 minutes explained to me that I was going through MLC. He said it was normal and that I could actually work through this and come out okay on the other side. He gave me his number in case I felt really crazy and needed to talk to someone pronto. His advice was to take it easy, do nothing rash. I saw him for another six weeks, every other week. I also gave myself time alone to think: What was important in my life? Had I achieved my goals? Were they really my goals or what society says I should strive for? Did "goals" really matter if I was successful in other areas of life like family, with friends? Did my lifestyle make my mother proud? Did I have a lot to feel grateful for - health, family, job, home, etc. I came out not only okay but a better person because it had become so crystal clear that yes, I had done well with my life. I wasn't rich but lived honorably. I had been a good father/husband/friend. I had no secrets, nothing to hide or be ashamed about. I would appreciate whatever God had in store for me in this world. I felt relief. The pressure was off: I didn't have to wonder about it, Life had been good to me. Fast forward 2 years. My wife, younger than me by one year, and I go out to dinner. She announces out of the blue that she wants a divorce. I ask why? she says I'm too content. (Her actual words.) She said she'd never get what she wanted out of life if she stayed with me - - new car, remodeled bathroom, open credit card account - and she didn't want to work anymore. We're both professionals, live in a housevalued at $700,000, two cars, vacations on the shore, etc. She said I was a good person, very loyal but loyalty and being good wasn't all there was in life because life is too short. This was obviously her MLC. I remember part of what she said verbatim, "This is all about me. I got to take care of myself." This happened in spring. She's since moved out. House up for sale and divorce in process. I'm recovering and expect to do okay. I have great career, now have time to complete a book manuscript I had shelved and have worked myself down to my college. I'll have 50/50 time with my daughter and won't mind living in a condo. Divorce is like an epidemic in my city so there are many, many eligible women. I'll find love second time around I hope. My wife has put on about 25 pounds. She looks. Where I have the energy to run, go to gym, she's become a couch potato. Her two friends are the two lousy wretches who advised her to separate, telling her, "you should do what you have to do to be happy." I don't know what to make of all this. I think MLC cuts both ways. It's not gender proof. People handle it differently. I do think my wife is a skunk though.