What do I do if I think my husband is having a midlife crisis?

I noticed that my husband seems very depressed and bummed all the time. He had no interest in anything. He kept talking about being unsure of where his life was going. Obessing with diet pills and weightloss. He wanted to sell the house, go to iraq, he was tired of being a father,husband ,tired of his job.He was communicated more than he had in 12 years.But was not getting any of my emotional needs met. I could feel that our marriage was over but i did not want it to be. I offered to move out because I did not want to be the cause of his regrets and misery.But he says I am the best thing that ever happend to him and he cant imagine life without me in it.. It was so sad to see him miserable and i wanted him to come back to me. I was wishing that he could comfort me until my husband came back. all the while my husband was nothing but loving and honest with me.but it all just seemed like a favor. he had been the perfect faithful husband for 12 years.I started preparing my self for the next step,a sportscar or an affair. Then it happen so quickly. he had an affair with a 22 year old. I was not shocked. he can not stop apologizing for hurting me but says she makes him feel young and happy. He knew her for only 3 weeks and he thinks he loves her. he says that he feels like he has gone crazy and he is not the same man he was just a few months ago.He says his brain is messed up and he knows that he will regret this. but right now he feels happy. He says that he loves me, I am very beautiful,sexy, and smart and it will kill him to see me with someone else. but the passion is gone and he is not attracted to me anymore after 12 years. He say he wants to fall in love with me again one day. But I know that can't happen.we are selling our house and getting seperate appartments. He can not believe that his is throwing away our whole family. But he never had a chance to be single. I feel like I have been cut into tiny pieces and i am dying. I am trying to prepare for my new life. I know I will recover eventually.But can anyone tell me why I feel sorry for him and I'm not at all angry. What's next for both of us.

I know how you feel my husband and I have only been married for 10 years with one child, he has came forth to me and said he was not happy and he felt his life was missing something. I was completely heartbroken and I am not sure what to do. He then also had an affair and I am not mad at him, I love him dearly and do not want to see the family broken up. He has said that he is sorry and feels bad and just needs some space and time. What does that mean? I am so scared that he wants to leave and cant stand to hurt my feelings anymore. I feel that we can save our marriage and start fresh, I can forgive him in time and start to build that trust. But it hurts the most that he just wants to kinda ignore me. my husband and I were married and had a child only about a year our of high school so neither of us had that single time. But too me I feel that you should forget the past and step up and work on what is going on now. I dont want him to throw away his marriage and his great family. I feel that he will snap out of this and come to. I feel that I can be that missing piece to him. Any advice?? I would love to hear from you.

When I read your comments and stories it's hard to believe what is happening to you both. I'm also amazed at the maturity and introspection that you are each handling your situations. In both of your stories your husbands are very confused. They would both benefit from counseling, either alone or with you, or preferably both. They may think that they are happy as they do the things you describe (for example the affairs) but this is not happiness, and certainly not a path for lasting happiness. As they work through their problems do your best to take care of yourself. Make sure that you have your own network of friends and family for support and that you are doing things that you enjoy doing. Also be prepared for some pent up anger on your part no matter which way this goes, which is certainly understandable, but something you will want to manage nonetheless. Once again counseling is a good way to go on that.

I wish there was something different to do or say. The good news is that we hear stories all of the time of these things turning out okay in the end. But since this is nothing you can count on you need to watch out for your own interests while seeing if something can be worked out.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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Hi. You probably will be angry, in a while. At first, in this situation, we struggle to understand, we partly blame ourselves, we try to understand. The guy is still our partner - we still love him. Maybe he'll come home and be himself again. In time, you may look back and think he's treated you abominably and there just isn't any excuse. My partner (19 years) walked out without saying goodbye. We had, by both accounts, been really happy for at least 17 of them, before things got rocky. He said I was the best thing that ever happended to him. He also said he needed time & space and hoped we could remain friends - all the cliches! Now, a few months on, and he's admitted there's another woman, I feel quite ready to do that horrible superficial-sounding thing of moving on. And that's because I've realised he lacked integrity, was deceitful - and has gone. So, as you quite rightly say, the thing to do is prepare for a new life. Lots of love. C.

Í am sitting her at the computer when I should be in bed. I have just read your comments and it sort of makes me feel better. My husband of 23 years abandoned me when my son (the youngest of two) left for university to go and live with a Chinese girl. He left me in Taiwan and I had to pack up the family home and return to UK after 20 years of living abroad. He has left me with nothing and has no contact with me or his two wonderful children. As far as we know, he is living with a young Chinese girl who seems to have deprived him of his senses and his money. He was a good husband and father and with the normal ups and downs, we had a good marriage. We were both Christians. What happened? I can't imagine that he is happy but none of us are able to reach him. He is living his fantasy life and yet he has destroyed ours. I am not able to move on and not strong enough to deal with fighting the divorce, working again, sorting out all the family stuff and living!!! I miss him, I want him to repent and say he is sorry and to be able to work it through. My good friends think I am crazy. Sometimes I think I am too. But I really feel sorry for him and wish he could come to his senses. I am told he never will. Sometimes I wish he had died - it would have been easier for all of us - it would have left our memories intact. Now I no longer know who he was or is!!! How sad!

Hi all.....I dont think my husband of 4 years is going through a mid-life crisis...but there is something that is up with him. He has a really good job but he complains that he isn't happy and he doesn't know what he wants to do, then he comes up with these outrageous fantasies of becoming a singer when he doesn't sing and the latest was to go Hollywood and start an acting career when he never did any kind of acting. I really don't know what is going on with him but he gets reaally depressed and I can't seem to help him with these dreams that he is having....It feels to me that all the while he was trying to be someone he wasn't and now its all these things with the entertainment industry...I have no problem with the industry but he has these dreams of becoming a star or something when he never even tried a class in acting or singing...It seems that the marriage is very rocky because I think things are going alright and bam he hits me with these dreams and does all sorts of research to go and give up everything. He says he loves me and can't do anything without my support and needs me to be with him...We live in Europe and Hollywood is in USA...I feel that I dont think I can support him and I feel like I don't know who this person is anymore....He says he will drop it and not bother me with it again but I know in a couple months it will be the same thing or something bogus like that...It is hard to go on with the marriage with this hanging over my head it is constantly bothering me because it keeps happening with something out of the blue that I don't think I could deal with. I feel like I am wasting time with this person because we have lots of little problems and these fantasies makes everything much worse.....I need help before I go insane.

I am devastated, my husband came back from a trip that he did with a female colleage, they travel quite a bit together, on his return from this particular trip, he was very distant and did not tell me he loved me anymore (he still hasn't said those words I long to hear). I then found out he was having an affair with her as I found an sms on his phone. He flatly denied this and said they were very very good friends, since then my feelings have been that of extreme sadness, anger (which I have not shown him) I have been crying, depressed and have lost about 10 kg in weight. My husband has said that he is feeling trapped and unhappy and wants to basically find himself. He has moved out of our home and our two children of 16 and 20 are devastated. I really do not know what to do. I am very lonely and still love him with all my heart. Is there anything I can do to try and get him back ?

Firstly i'm sorry to hear this - i know how you are feeling right this minute - its a typical working relationsip>friendship>relationship>affair that so many men and women are drawn to..why? maybe mid life crisis maybe not but he has all the tell tale signs - well done on not showing the anger - him saying he is feeling trapped and unhappy is just deflection he is blaming it on that to justify his actions and he has left the home to enable himself to carry on with this affair and you dont deserve it - you are not to blame to remove any thought of that from your head straight away because it isnt about you or even this woman its about him and him alone - right now concentrate on YOU and your 16 and 20 year old draw comfort from them for the moment - you ask is there anything you can do to try and get him back? Yes as tough as it is dont pine for him, let him see your strength and resolve dont let his words or actions dictate yours - how long has this been going on? This could just be nothing more than an affair but at the minute he is confusing this temporary fixation with true love - each case is different you can either stand toe to toe and give him an ultimatim, make him choose or step back and let him in time realise what he is giving up and losing either way be prepared for whatever outcome - its easy said to be strong because ive been where you are last year and it was an awful time but stay focused on you and the children right now - good luck

Regards
Stu UK

I did not expext to get a response from someone so soon, but I thank you for this ! I am really battling, how long has it been going on you ask, I am really not sure - but I think from the beginning of September and I found out on the 20th October ! He has taken a years lease on a place and I think she is in the process of divorcing her second husband ! He has basically thrown me out of our company we started together, so I am home alone and afraid of my future! It is my sons birthday today and we are going out to dinner with a few of his friends, his dad is coming along - I am not sure how to behave ! SHould I just be polite ? I am also sorry to hear that you have gone through this too, did it work out for you ?

I would also develop a strategy. Consult with an attorney. You may want to start with someone with experitce in mediating disputes. Calculate your assetts and determine your worth. Watch money flow and locate important documents. Put a stop on joint credit cards. Since you had a company together you must have an accountant. Get your hands on those financial records.
This is not as intimidating as it sounds and it will also move your from a reactionary, defeatist mindset.
My wife ran away from our marrage and I realized that though I still loved her, I had to also proceed along a second track. It was clear that she had planned this months in advance. I had to play a little catchup but she had underestimated how fast I would respond and how thoroughly I'd cover every base. She was pretty shocked. She went ahead with her move but she no longer held the cards.

This coming Saturday (Nov, 24) will be our 23rd anniversary.

Last Wednesday (Nov.14) my husband told me he has been unhappy for a long time. He has not lived his life truthfully.

All the things he says make him unhappy have to do with how he perceives me, how I am no longer the person he married. He swears there is no other woman, that he has not had an affair. I think he meets a lot of the symptoms describe as MLC.

We had an emergency meeting with a counselor on Saturday and a meeting with our regular marriage counselor today. He said he didn't tell me he was unhappy over the years because he didn't want to hurt me. I told him knowing that he lied to me for years hurts worse than what he says he doesn't like about me.

[quote]I did not expext to get a response from someone so soon, but I thank you for this ! I am really battling, how long has it been going on you ask, I am really not sure - but I think from the beginning of September and I found out on the 20th October ! He has taken a years lease on a place and I think she is in the process of divorcing her second husband ! He has basically thrown me out of our company we started together, so I am home alone and afraid of my future! It is my sons birthday today and we are going out to dinner with a few of his friends, his dad is coming along - I am not sure how to behave ! SHould I just be polite ? I am also sorry to hear that you have gone through this too, did it work out for you?[quote]

Hi - your welcome, your not in a nice place right now - he is in his own world on this and you are not invited so to reiterate look after YOU - you ask did it work out for me well yes and no - like the poster above my wife walked out and i accelerated and forged ahead and moved forward at a fast pace she stayed still, we got back together definately love there but she went again 6 months ago again i didnt contact i just stepped back and again moved on rapidly - we swapped about she struggled etc etc in a nutshell i let her move back in house (which is up for sale) i'm reneint nice little house, i haev loads of good friends she is still stood still so it worked for ME - yes i wanted to be with her but she didnt so her loss - even now i am in the middle of 2 more MLC with HER brother and his wife and our best friends but i have the wisdom - the stages of separation are hard but you do get there and again like the above poster where last year i was devastated and almost broken when she left me i now hold all teh cards - i am so strong, her best friend whose hubby of 22 years has started seeing another woman comes to ME to listen to MY advice she said she understands me more than my wife - see i am so strong - i am shocked at how many couples in their 40's even in our small town split up for no other reasn than they are "fed up" - teh daily grind will follow i have no doubt, be strong for you and remember you cannot direct the wind but you can adjust your sails - good luck and take care

Regards
Stu UK

I know you are right, but I just can't bring myself to do this. I know that I have to look out for my future on my own but it is terrifying this was not what was supposed to happen. I think every waking moment about our lives together and when I look back I know I have been wrong in a lot of ways, putting on weight, perhaps not showing him how much I love him enough, perhaps being a little uncaring at times when he has frustrated me, I know now that I should have travelled with him when he went on his business trips, but this was always difficult with my children at school. I blame myself for a lot of the difficulties that we have experienced ! Our business was just starting to go well and we have all the people in place that would have allowed ourselves more time together ! I saw myself spending the rest of my life with him, loving him as deeply as I do. He tells me he is confused, and has been unhappy for years, I feel he is my soulmate and I dont think that I will ever find that again! My family have been wonderfully supportive, but I prefer to be on my own and to basically wallow in my own sadness, everyone says I must look out for myself - in my head I know this, in my heart I wish he would come to his senses and tell me he loves me again ! I yearn for this ! This morning he came to the house, he helped me replace some broken globes on the outside of our home, then in the kitchen he looked at me and almost pulled me towards him, then he kissed me so deeply. Then eased himself away from me again. He told me that we need to talk and I guess he is going to ask me for a divorce, I really really dont want to hear those words, he has gone away now on another business trip (with her and other staff members) and I suppose we will meet up sometime next week to discuss our future! This is very difficult for me as I dont know what to do ! I cannot bring myself to divorce him - not yet - I am still adjusting to being on my own. I have lost over 10 kgs in weight and am feeling more sexy than I have for a long time, this I know is good for me and I intend to keep it up! I have bought younger looking clothes and physically are feeling better in myself! I think he is being egged on by this other woman and I dont think I can compete with this, she is about 7 years younger than me and very attractive and sexy, she is currently going through a divorce from her second marriage, and I know only wants my husband for what she percieves a good life. We have a few properties that we bought together and I furnished in the way I wanted them, I could not bear the thought of her using these properties that I worked so hard for. I have suggested to my husband that we sell them and he asked why - I only told him that it was pointless keeping them anymore. I am so scared and terrified of my future alone and dont know what to do.

Hiya - stop right now blaming yourself - it isnt you, your not the problem so get that out of your head right now. Dont look back what is past is past look forward - if you really want tomorrow to be different than yesterday you have to do something different TODAY - of course you love him of course you want him but you dont need him to survive - try understand the difference between a want and a need - i too although feeling like pushing for divorce decided not to if it comes my way it comes - its good that you are looking better and if you are feeling sexy and getting nice clothes it will boost your confidence cos at the moment that will be rock bottom - you are at the bottom of your well but you will climb out - try not to wallow in sadness as hard as it is i know that - concentrate on YOU and feeling good, positive - surround yourself with friends people who love you but try not to knee-jerk if they give you bar-room lawyer advice - go with your heart, make decisions based on your heart and not your head - best of luck and take care

Regards
Stu UK

Well this marriage is definitely over, I have just found a letter declaring her love for him and a diary he has kept declaring his love for her. What do I do now ? Help

After my husband up rooted us across the country to start a new career, last week I accidently ran across porn sites, personal chat forums / personal ads, and local escort service sites on his computer. I felt disrespected after this discovery and suspected that he was searching these sites to stray. When I questioned him about this activity, he stated that he was going to these sites for masterbation material -- to which he has always stated that he is not interested in porn and that masterbation never did it for him. Please do not misunderstand me I have nothing against masterbation - natural need.
However, when I asked him why he is searching escort services and personal ads, he stated that he did not really know why he was on those sites - just courious and he has not done anything. He continued to state that he has not been happy since early this summer (around the time he lost his job) and just wants us to be happy and loving again. I was confused, because even though we were under a lot of stress, I thought our marriage and love was strong.
Should I be concerned or am I just over reacting?
By the way, he just turned 38.

Hi - the marriage as it was, was probably already over and that is why your in the situation you are in, you know you were going to have to rebuild teh blocks again if the opportunity arises and it still can - what do you do now youve found this letter and diary? Well what has changed, i mean really changed? Think about it all this has done is confirmed in your mind what you already probably knew - in my opinion they are confusing permanent love with temporary passion - so what do you do? Well as has been said do what is best for YOU - concentrate on your behaivour, not his dictating how you live - it isnt easy i know and seeing this affirmairtion just hurts more and twists teh knife even more but override it - let it wash over your head - think positively - think about YOU and your confidence, resolve - plan plans not outcomes - as ive said you cant change the direction of the wind but you can adjust your sails - you take care of yourself -
Stu
UK

I know this is going to sound rambling.. but I can't think clearly. I never dreamed I'd be in this position.

I gave up my career to be a stay at home mom. (at his request) I've been married for 16 years. Now my husband wants to "go find himself". I have no income and now no way of getting one. I have developed health problems that prevent me from working. My children are 12 and 14 and have been used to a nice home. They were both straight A students. I can't support them or myself. He knows this. They would be better off if I just died. He secluded me. I have no friends or family.

Btw he just turned 40. Everything seemed fine until a new guy was hired at work. He seems to emulate/idolize this person. He went from a sweet family oriented man to a total jerk. He has become cruel and controlling. I can't do anything right. I'm in hell. If I had it to do over I'd never marry.

says he just needs space not sure if he wants this anymore. we had a great marriage. says loves me but cant love me the way i want. says hasnt cheated no other woman but has taken care of me and my son for 25 years and needs to get himself straight. he is 51 years old. keeps sayig dont want divorce my guess afraid will cost more. ive asked him to go to couples
counseling or come home. he told his brother not going home until he knows for sure cause would never want to walk out on me again. im in such horrible pain that i cant function work etc. dont know how long to give him cause will never be the same again.
we had a great marriage. I feel if i file for divorce i would be able to get on with my life. its only been two weeks he never calls me i call him.

What a painful experience. As you no doubt know, there is very little you can do to control or affect his behavior. The only person whose behavior you have control over is your own so it's a matter of deciding what you want to do and how you want to respond. First off it's only been a few weeks so you are still in the shock of it all. Suggest that you focus on your support network (friends and family) and supplementing it with your own counseling if you feel that will help (it usually does). You might be amazed at how understanding your friends will be.

The next thing is to make sure that you do not neglect your own health needs. This is easy to say but harder to do, but make sure that you are eating, sleeping and exercising. Maybe a friend or family member can come stay with you at your house for a few weeks so that you are not alone at night.

Don't feel the need to make a decision right now on things like 'how long?' or 'whether to file'? You can get to these questions later.

You might get conflicting advice on whether you should be calling him. Follow your heart and do what you think is right but one strategy would be to back off. Let him call you and if he doesn't call let him know the feeling of what it is like without you.

If your husband is telling the truth and is confused at some point he may want to talk and that is probably the best thing. Just getting him to open up and talk about what he is thinking. Don't try to "solve" anything during these sessions, just let him open up.

Once again we are so sorry to hear about what you are going through. You might also find solace in the postings in the discussion called "Will I survive my husband's midlife crisis?" You will mind many more people with similar stories.

Also please keep posting. What you share helps others.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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I just found this site, because I, too, am a victim of MLC. Soon, I hope to say, I SURVIVED. I was married to the best man in the world for 18 years, a church Deacon, even at 1 time: Promise Keeper, but he fell in love with one of my employees, left me and kids, divorced in Sept. '07 and has married the other (younger and prettier) woman.
I was in your shoes 1 and half yrs. ago. I was very depressed, could not think clearly, cooking dinner was impossible, doing the normal stuff-grocery shopping, cleaning house, laundry, etc. was impossible. I cried all day and all night. Here is my advice:
YOU CAN GET ALIMONY/Spousal support and Child support. MAKE HIM PAY. At first, I thought Chris(my ex) was just having MLC and depression. It got even worse. He became verbally abusive to me and kids, nothing we did was right-even made him upset with us, many times he would say "I want to go away" After 6 months of the agony: I discovered the reason he was unhappy with our family--we were an obstacle in the way of his "true" happiness--Jennifer. I begged and pleaded with him to come back "home". I would forgive him, but he never did. So I had to hire an attorney. Go down to ALL your banks, credit unions, whereever you have money. TAKE IT ALL OUT!! Get a lawyer: get child and spousal support. Think clearly: try to put emotions aside (it is hard I struggled too). YOU NEED A FRIEND/SUPPORT PERSON. Contact a faith-based church. If you never have attended any- try to find one that offers DivorceCare or some type of program like that. It is good even for the separated. A Bible believing charismatic church was a big support for me. Here is my email: steppingstonescdc@yahoo.com
that is stepping stones cdc (all together) at yahoo dot com. I'll be glad to listen and write back. God Bless. Tammy

Mine, too was a Christian, the Korean girl was also a Christian (so they say)
Is it some kind of fantasy to be with these petite Asian ladies? Satan does a very good job at coming to kill, steal, and destory. I prayed. our church prayed, I fasted and finally asked God to help me: set me free from this turmoil by either returning my wonderful husband or give me strength to move on. God showed me mercy and grace-HE has blessed me beyond my imagination!!I prayed to do God's will for my life. It took a long time to get to the point that even if Chris never returned to me and kids, I would be happy knowing that I am a child of God. God never leaves us nor forsakes us. I missed my husband desparately. I longed for him to hold me (like it was for 18 years) I begged and pleaded for over a year, for mine to come back, but never did. He divorced me & married Korean girl, so he could have the kind of wife and family he always wanted. Well, it has been only 3 months since the "happy couple" has started their new life together. When our handicapped daugther visits every other weekend, I see a very UNhappy couple. Since she does not work, and he pays child support and has to pay a mortgage and their rent, money is an issue for them. She is getting a green card and financial support, but I think she wants more than what he can afford. Proverbs 6:25, Matt.5:27-28 1Timothy 5:8 Hebrews 13:4 You can not be happy and disobedient to God. God gives a way of escape. Some choose not to. They would rather stay in a sinful relationship and break the covenant. The grass is not greener on the other side. There is a price to pay. One day I think, it will happen to them. Those who hurt us, will know how it feels. Because a good woman will not steal a husband from his family, nor will a cheating husband cheat only once. Once Satan has a stronghold, it is so hard for these men to get out of the trap. If you decide to divorce remember: you are free because your husband committed adultery against you. If you stay and fight I pray for your strength. If you divorce, at least you will have closure and hopefully one day move on, as I have. I met a man whose wife left him, as well. We enjoy the companionship and are happy. No one can ever take the place of my children's father and husband of my youth, it is different, but wonderful to have someone to enter into pre-retirement years with. God Bless and be with you.purge

MY HUSBAND OF 20 YEARS LEFT ME 3 MONTHS AGO AND WANTS A DIVORCE, CLAIMS THAT WE FIGHT ALL THE TIME, WE DONT, OTHER THAN THAT, WE HAD A GOOD RELATIONSHIP, WE HAVE 2 CHILDREN 18 AND 13, I STILL LOVE HIM AND WANT HIM HOME. HE HAS THREATNED DIVORCE FOR A WHILE NOW,, HE SAID WAIT UNTIL THE FIRST OF THE YEAR, AT FIRST, I PLEADED TO MAKE OUR MARRIAGE WORK, THEN I BACKED OFF. I GO TO COUNSELING MYSELF, HE DOESNT, AND HE WILL NOT GO WITH ME, WHAT DO I DO? THIS WAS MY SOUL MATE. WE JUST CELEBRATED CHRISTMAS TOGETHER, AND IT WAS LIKE WE ARE STILL TOGETHER, PLEASE HELP ME.

"I GO TO COUNSELING MYSELF..."

You are doing exactly the right thing. You are going to counseling and presumably taking care of yourself. As you know, the only person's behavior you can control is your own, so that is where you need to focus. Your therapist may give you other things for you to do during this difficult period but in general the most important thing is to take care of your children and to not neglect your own health. Relying on your own support network (friends and family) is also a good idea. Many are surprised how much people want to help when asked.

You haven't written anything that indicates that your husband is going through a midlife crisis or that it is anything other than relationship issues. Perhaps this is just because you didn't include them in your posting or because he hasn't exhibited these signs. If it is the former I suggest you go through the midlife crisis section of this site and you will find a lot of useful information.

Please keep posting and best of luck.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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My husband came home drunk the 23rd of December, and that night he received a phone call. He had fallen asleep, so he didnt answer. I grabbed the phone and saw that this person that was calling had called about ten times before. It was a woman, then I heard the messages that she had left him where she was telling him the name of a perfume she wanted for Christmas. Then, I sent her a few text messages as if it was my husband sending them, with the purpose of finding out how deep this relationship was with her, and she answered right away. One of the text messages said she was missing his kisses and was calling him all these sweet names.

I confronted him with it and he told me that I had to know that our relationship was over a long time ago. I was in total shock and didnt know what in the world he was talking about. He affirmed that we both didnt love each other any more. He told me he wanted to end the relationship and get married to somebody else. He told me he didnt love that woman, but that he wants to get remarried with somebody else, because he's never had any children of his own, he feels empty and like he was missing something in his life as a man and he thought it was having children of his own. He just turned 40. I am older than him and I do have grown children.

Last week he was telling me he loved me. In November we went to Florida to visit my parents and he treated them with a lot of affection. He wanted to buy a condo in Florida so both of us would move there. Then, we decided not to. We then thought about buying in San Diego, and when I heard this, the next day, I cancelled escrow.

He told me he was very confused. I cried so much, could not sleep that night, and havent been able to eat that much since that happened. I feel like I dont even want to talk to the family and friends and want to seclude myself. I feel angry sometimes and I feel like calling him and yelling at him how dare him to this to me during this time of Christmas, and sometimes I feel like calling him and telling him I cannot live without him, that I love him and I want him back.

He said he wanted to keep our relationship going and continue being friends. I refused to continue the relationship and asked him not to even dear to call me. The more he talked, the more he hurt me because I couldnt even believe this was something he had shared with his family and Im sure with his friends and it was something he had been considering for months. His family's advise was that if there was not any love left, to get a divorce and remarry. I couldnt even believe this was a plan that he had all along. He had mentioned before of his desire to have children, but I din't think it was going to get to that stage. I decided to allow him to leave and have some time for himself, so he can think about what he wants, and if its true his love for me is over, then I would have to face it.

I was thrilled to find this link, and I can't believe that are other women actually going through similar situations as what I am going through. I feel like this is a bad dream and it is not really happening to me.

He has not called since he left. I keep thinking this phase will be over. I am really desperate and dont know what to do. I would like to know if he would come back, if I forgive him and accept him back right away or put new conditions before we get together again, which one definitely would be go to counseling. I am also preparing myself if he doesn't, but it's taking a lot of courage.

I checked the cellular phone bill history and I was in shock to see how many times he had called that woman, even during our trip to Florida. He says he doesn't love her as to marry her, because he feels he does not love anybody at this moment. He keeps saying he will find somebody else and marry and have children.

I empathize with the emotional roller coaster you've been thrust upon. It must seem like a nightmare. As you read the posts here from others in parallel situations you will see some patterns of what most people recommend. Namely, you immediately start to focus on yourself and your needs. This means getting your support network together (your friends and your family) so that you are not going through this alone. You might want to also consider getting some counseling. Also do not neglect your physical health. I know that this is easy to write but hard to do, but proper nutrition, exercise and sleep are more important now than ever, even if they are the last things on your mind.

It's impossible (and not our place) to tell if your husband is lost in a midlife crisis or if the statements he is making (about wanting children and being confused) are simply justifications that he came up with for straying from your marriage. If he really is confused (as he told you he was) then he should be willing to go to therapy. It appears that he needs counseling if he thinks that absence of having children of his own is keeping him from having meaning and purpose in his life.

Finally, as others have probably already suggested, you might want to talk to an attorney about your legal rights should things continue to disintegrate.

Once again, sorry to hear about your tough times. Please keep sharing and posting.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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I have been married for 20 years and I feel that my husband is no longer in love with me. I have wriiten several letters to him letting him know how I feel. For one thing, We no longer make love to each other, he never touches me when we are together, and he has a long list of things that makes him happy, his golf, his bowling, the church, his weight lose, but I was not included on the list of things that makes him happy. Also he says that love making doesn't do much for him anymore, so i suggested that we find new and creative things to put a spark back into our intimate times together. He still doesn't show any interest in that aspect of our marriage at all. After I write the letters, (i do so because we cannot verbally communicate without a lot of argueing,) he changes for a few weeks and he is right back to not being responsive emotionally or physically. I am contemtplating moving out so we both can figure out what we want in this marriage. Right now we don't want the same things, I love him and want more affection and intimaticy and he is just content with his golfing, bowling and church activities. My husband is totally content with our relationship, but I feel that if he is not being intimate with me or responding to me phusically, then who or where is he getting his satisfaction from? I want to stay is this marriage. I have tried all I know to keep our love alive, but it is dying everyday. He has made a complete about face and even though we are together, I am always so lonely. We have a 17 year old daughter at home and will graduate this year. She wants me to be happy and she agrees that if moving out makes me happy just until we can figure things out, then do that because life is too short. Is this marriage worth holding on to?

Do you know for sure if he is seeing someone else or just going throught a mid-life crises? Have you been to counseling or is he willing to go? Please answer these questions for me.

My husband swears that there is no one else. He even says he loves me, but his actions proves that he doesn't. As I have mentioned, he does'nt want to touch me even if I ask, he doesn't want to go anywhere I want to go. He states he's not interested. He says I only want him to go so that he can finance our outings because I seem to never have money and I only see him as a money bag. I don't earn that much and I feel the only reason I have not moved out is that I don't feel I can support my self right now. He will not consider counseling because he feels everything is just fine and why am I so unhappy? It feels so aweful to love someone and they just do not love you back. It is depressing and heart breaking. I am only strong right now because I believe that God will keep me and substain me through this. I feel that my husband is hiding his true situation from me but my women's intution flag has risen and is blowing in the air. Am i making a big deal out of nothing or do you feel this marriage cna survive the emotional turmoil that it is going through? Your help is truly appreciated and welcomed.

My husband of 9 years is moving out. He says he is confused and does not know what he wants. While I know that I love him, I will be in our house with our two childern waiitng and wondering will he come back. He keeps to himself with is emotions and he wont talk to anyone about what is going on in his head. He does not know if he loves me. How am I supposed to go on day to day. I my life revoles around my husband and my childerns daddy.