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How to Spot a Midlife Crisis
Wall Street Journal contributor Sue Shellenbarger has written "The midlife crisis is a cliche -- until you have one." She should know. After the death of her father and the end of her 20-year marriage, Sue started to question
Because the signs of a midlife crisis seem so cliche, it is difficult to compile a list of symptoms to watch for in the behaviors of a loved one. The key is not to focus on any one behavior but the overall pattern. Sue exhibited classic signs of midlife crisis, questioning everything in her life, making changes for the sake of change, and exhibiting overly impulsive behavior; however it was the extremes that she went in each area that were the key to labeling her as having a "midlife crisis."
"[In a midlife crisis] people make radical changes without thinking them through, bailing out of a relationship or career," says Dan Johnston, the author of Lessons for Living. "Then they go and duplicate that relationship, job or career elsewhere, re-creating the problems."
Another complicating issue is that the concept of midlife crisis being a single condition is misleading. The popular notion of midlife crisis mistakenly clumps together three or four different but related issues, ranging from depression to a reassessment of one's life. "Midlife crisis" is best thought up as an umbrella term for what are really several different problems. To best help an individual experiencing a "midlife crisis" (or something that looks and feels like a midlife crisis) one should understand what are the underlying issues.
Putting this complexity aside for the moment, here is a short check list summarizing the major attributes commonly associated with midlife crisis. The list was compiled from a variety of sources including psychiatrists, psychologists, authors, life coaches, as well as men and women who have gone through the experience themselves. Some of the items are more applicable to men but, as we saw in the case of Sue Shellenbarger, women can experience them too.
So use the items below as a guideline for looking at behavioral changes in midlife that might be indicative of an underlying problem -- then ask what might be the real root cause:
1. Change for the sake of change. They feel unusually restless and express a feeling that they are running out of time. As Johnson noted above, sometimes they will just duplicate the same problem elsewhere. They can feel suddenly dissatisfied with their previous goals feeling like nothing they have been working toward really matters. For example, they no longer care about the promotion they've been working so hard to get.
2. Impulsive behavior and impetuous decisions, especially about money and/or their career. This is related to point 2 above. Faced with the sudden interest to live their life to the fullest, a man may decide that a new Porsche makes perfect sense (despite it being well outside of the family's finances and a decision he would have not likely made before the change in his behavior). He may decide that he absolutely must leave the job he was quite satisfied with just a few months before. Everyone changes in life but during a midlife crisis these changes can be extreme and seemingly come out of nowhere.
3. Questioning everything in one's life and saying that they "feel trapped." The later is easy to pick up with the terminology they'll use in everyday life, including "obligations," "no end in sight," "burdened." They feel that their job, family and everything else in their life is a never-ending series of demands on them.
4. Changes in the sexual relationship. Understand that this change can be the result of a lack of interest (whether from the stress, anxiety or depression associated with the crisis) or it could be hormonal (lower testosterone levels in the men). It is also possible that they are having an affair since that is another (albeit cliched) aspect of
5. Sudden obsession with appearance and spending inordinate amounts of time in the mirror. When a man who prides himself on his old t-shirt collection starts dressing for success and leaves the barber he has been going to for the past decade for a high-end salon, then it's time to take note of the underlying cause of his new found vanity. It could be nothing more than a desire to upgrade his appearance or it could be some much, much more, As with point 5 above, an appearance obsession can also be the sign of an affair.
6. Excessive reminiscing about their youth and previous loves. The Internet (especially Classmates.com) has been a boon for people to be able to reconnect with high school friends. However, more than a fleeting moment spent thinking about a high school flame and overly fantasizing about how great everything was then versus now or "what if" scenarios of major decisions they've made are all midlife crisis symptoms.
7. Increase in alcohol consumption. It's no secret that many adults will turn to the bottle when problems seem insurmountable. It can be hard to know what is going on in someone else's head but it is not so hard to see how many stiff drinks they down every night.
8. Sleeping more, loss of appetite, and general malaise. These are all signs of the type of depression that can accompany a midlife crisis.
9. Obsession with mortality. This can be triggered by the death of a loved-one or a close friend. Whatever it is, when the focus turns from the deceased to themselves and then lingers that is the sign of a problem.
10. Self-admission. They simply say, "I think I'm having a midlife crisis." This is far more common that many people think. Given the immense amount of media coverage on the subject, when someone starts to encounter the gut-wrenching feelings of a midlife crisis they will often be quite open in their pleas for help from people they think can help them. Midlife crises are not funny or fun for anyone involved.
Recognizing these changes is easier than figuring out why they're happening. It may have nothing to do with middle age. Men and women can be unfaithful in their marriages without being in a midlife crisis. A husband can decide that it's time that he bought the car he's always wanted without it being an affect of impulsive behavior. Most importantly, people can become depressed during their midlife years for a variety of reasons not having anything to do with a midlife crisis. However, the midlife years can be a time of tremendous stress and change in career, family, and health. A trigger such as a divorce, death in the family, or a job loss can have a dramatic impact.
To learn more about midlife crisis, read all of LifeTwo's postings by clicking on the "midlife crisis" tags below.
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Tags: mid-life crisis | midlife crisis - man / male | midlife crisis - woman / female
Type: Feature
Suspect Mid-life crisis? Get your blood pressure checked!
Great forum! I have read many forums, and have noticed none seem to mention this tie in. For me, I feel it was a triggering event to fueling the crisis. Hypertension (high blood pressure) for a prolonged time (12 months ramped up, then down) seemed to coincide with my deepening dark thoughts many others felt too. I was up to 160 over 100 that peaked for a couple months before a Doctors visit for something else forced some immediate meds. It was amazing, I felt calming within a few days, very noticably calmer by 30-60 days. Three to Four months later have normal readings of 120's over high 70's (119 over 79 is normal good. So what did I feel? Irritable! Extremely Driven and Passionate but many rebuffs from the wife almost put me over the edge. Was ready to leave a 25 year marriage. Wanted the 3rd kid we never had, etc.
Hope this helps!
Depression and blood pressure
That's good advice. However, in my case it's not a factor.
"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)
Your Post
I can relate to your circumstances. I found this site this morning after getting the "bomb" dropped on me last night. I am going through the same thing right now. My husband and I are married 15 years and this is the last thing I expected. My husband has been miserable with himself for the last few months and said he wasn't sure if it was our marriage or issues he has. (he does have deep rooted family issues) He did agree to counciling, which we start today.
I noticed your post was January. How are you doing?
help im losing it
my husband keeps telling me he doesn't have a connection with me. I' going crazy. i've been married to this man for 24 years.
Please take at look at my
Please take at look at my post from yesterday "Need Some Help Understanding Please; which is a comment I posted on the chain "Will My Marriage Survive My Husband's Mid-Life Crisis?" Does any of the things I'm going through look familiar to you? My husband's primary mantra is also "I don't feel connected to you anymore..."
16 years on
16 years on and my husband, who I thought loved me and our life together with two children has suddenly announced that we have nothing in common, and that he does not enjoy my company. Two weeks later he bought a mustang and still cannot decide if he wants to stick it out or not.
He has seen someone who has suggested that he should wait 12 months and not just walk out on 16 years together but life feels so artificial and unreal. How do you just "carry on as normal" with this big cloud hanging over your head. He is now saying that he doesnt enjoy my company and is not even sure if he loves me. The hugs which is said were lacking and that never happens he now says he doesnt like.
I am finding the total lack of control or idea or what will happen next so very hard to cope with. Especially with working, running house and with two teenagers.
What do I do?
on God
"That's why my world seemed to be crumbling around me--because I did not build my life on a firm foundation! Our emotions and our desires change--God never changes! Right before the Christmas holidays, I committed that I would no longer put anyone nor anything above God and that my greatest desire will be to God alone."
Great to hear. Wonderful word. My story is the same except it was my wife who took off. She is onvolved with internet and phone sex. I had also put my wife first, though she started to take me for granted and came to desire "excitement". The marriage was flotsam. Anyway, I've been commited to Christ for some time. In my walk at least I've prayed that God make me the person He that he means for me to be. Though I prayed for this I knew deep down that the process would be painful - growth never is easy - and that he would have to strip away things I hold dearly. In essence I must be broken. My wife's desire for a divorce broke me. It was sudden and out of the blue. On the night she gave me the news she admitted she had no good reason for walking out. But she said I "had become too content" (her words) and that she'd never get the things she wanted out of life. We actually live pretty well, though we're not as affluent as other people in our town, which is the most wealthy communities in the region. Our lifestyle was fine at first but as time went on my wife became obsessed with the things we didn't have - new SUV every year, spontaneous trips to Europe, limitless discretionary spending. She became covetous and envious. Anyway, I realized that to a great extent this is something I had asked for. My wife was not becoming impatient with my focus and couldn't take it anymore. At 47 she saw her life passing away and she'd never live like her parents or the Jones' across the street so she bailed out. Long term it was for the best. It was/is stressful living with an ungrateful, unhappy person. She also talked a lot about wealthy people and how good they had it. We have household income of $180,000. We were unequally yoked. There were other issues but no marriage breakers. Rather than dwell on the pain I focused on what God wanted me to learn from this. I may not have given my life all the material things but I did put her first and removed God from the throne. Divorce has brought about deep changes - most of them for the better. You are correct, I am now able to realign my life with God at the helm. It's enabled me to come to terms with my wife's decision and emerge from bitterness. It's been 8 months and I'm alright. I'm actually nervoous about the future but also excited because I am growing and am moving into a new life with God as my guide.
Finding God in the midst of difficult circumstances...
I, too, found myself in a very similar situation. In November of 2007, my husband of 15 years announced that he no longer loved me and that he needed space to figure things out. To hear my husband speak those words literally knocked the wind out of me! We have three children, our oldest son (my son from a previous marriage) had just left for the military--this was emotional in and of itself--and we have two still at home--14 and 11 years old. I have always enjoyed a close relationship with God--but now I was desparate! I cried out to God for answers and solutions, and HE gave them to me. He told me that HE should be my greatest desire--not my husband! If God is my greatest desire, everything else must line up after that. I had lived 17 years putting my husband first in everything--even above God! That's why my world seemed to be crumbling around me--because I did not build my life on a firm foundation! Our emotions and our desires change--God never changes! Right before the Christmas holidays, I committed that I would no longer put anyone nor anything above God and that my greatest desire will be to God alone. Doing this sparked something in my husband--he stopped staying out all night and began to spend more quality time with me and the children. I was no longer consumed with him and seeing after his needs. By all appearances, I had moved on(--it was only appearances). This was a real struggle and this could have caused me to return to old habits of putting my husband first--but, I die to old habits daily. There are some universal principles that we can never get away from. The best part is is that I am getting better everyday...When things seem to regress--I press deeper into the place where God met me in difficult circumstances. So whether my husband is going through a "mid-life crisis" or not, I am in a place of real shelter--where the wind and storms of relationships and relating to others cannot rock my foundation, because it is built on a firm foundation! I pray right now for each of you that you will cry out to God (there is only one God) and that you will find Him in your place of desolation! Be Blessed!
your not alone!
My husband has been saying this for the past six months, on and off. I dont get it either it makes me crazy because it makes no sense to me. remember men are from mars and women are from venus.
Amen on God
I can relate to both posts in this thread that speak of God. I too have been through the gauntlet with my soon-to-be divorce. I had hit rock bottom. Then, after my grandfather's funeral, I told God I could not do it alone anymore. Since that date significant changes have occured in my life. I have given up almost everything that revolved around my life and found new, healthy interests. By healthy I mean for the mind and soul. It's amazing what can happen when you truly give yourself to Christ and let Him work IN you.
God Bless those that have reunited themselves with our Savior.
-Jim
And those who haven't too
Just thought I'd add a blessing to people who might want it.
Putting God First
Thank you all for sharing, mostly about putting God first. I too have put my husband first (before God), at least I think so. I don't think he would agree. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Hubby is 46 and says he has not been happy for the past 6 months or longer. A saddness hits him every Saturday night that he doesn't understand. He's tired of me putting all the blame on him for the bills being a mess, etc...I don't spend extra, I rarely ever go shopping, maybe xmas with gift certificates from in-laws. I have home schooled my kids all of these years and quit my full time job to do it. Now my last one is graduating in June and I'm looking for a job. I'm 52 and just feel so beside myself looking for a full time job. We live in an isolated area and I will have to drive a distance to any job (in my suv). My husband says he thinks he wants a divorce. He's acting so weird. I don't think he's having an affair, but not sure he isn't thinking about it. He isn't walking with the Lord. It's all so crazy and I never thought my husband would leave me, I felt secure with him and now I don't. I'm trying to put God first. I was trying to do things to please my husband, like extra sex, great dinners, serving him more, etc...but I started getting resentful. The books I read says someone has to humble themselves and make the first move,etc...Hope I'm making sense. I sure would like to talk to the lady who started this post and see how things are going. God bless and thanks for listening. Connie from California
Anonymous
Would love to talk to you more about this and drawing closer to God. My email is conniechristian@earthlink.net God bless. Connie
response
At some point you draw the line. I don't think we're suposed to be doormats. Some people, my wife, are so far gone it was not worth hanging around hoping. I realized that my wife did not recognize love because she didn't like herself. She was unhappy becasue she didn't recognize love and was angry because I did grow to recognize love and give it. I was/am truly content. The divorce was a serious blow but I'm better for it. God has helped me through a crisis that I thought would crush me. I'm more at peace than I've ever been. Money is tight. I have an apartment as opposed to an 8 room house but it's okay. I would never have known this about myself; I would never have drawn so close to HIM without this happening. My wife cannot fathom why I'm at peace eventhough from the outside my life looks a little shaken up.
You should try couples
You should try couples counseling. There is a reason why you two met and there is reason why you should find out what those things were and what you can do to fullfill each other. Counseling is a beautiful thing and has saved millions of marriages. Please don't just give up without exploring the mind and body through therapeutic avenues.
Take care and best of luck,
Bob
Midlife Crisis happens to singles too
What about those of us experiencing midlife crisis who are single? I've been divorced for 10 years, I'm a single mom, and I think I'm having a midlife crisis. Lately I feel like I am just going through the motions, life seems to be rather pointless. I am a Christian and no doubt I depend on my faith to get me through the difficult moments, but being single and going through what is considered a midlife crisis still seems very lonely at times.
Midlife Crisis happens to singles too
You are absolutely right. They can happen to those married and not married alike. Hope you are able to work through it and please keep posting.
Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!
My Husband and I need help!!
I need help... My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years, he has two grown daughters for his first relationship I have one son from previous vows, and we have two together... my husband is in his mid-fourtys and me in my late twentys, there are 15 years between us. Up until the last 7 months we have been a great match... always able to get through the rough stuff... all of a sudden he belives I am cheating, and that I don't love him. He gets depressed and angry with the snap of a finger and when he drinks it always gets worse. He refuses to get help thinks it is not worth it. I am at a breaking point... my children do not need this and I almost can't handle it. How do we get through this, and could it be Mid-Life Crisis?
My Husband and I need help!!
I need help... My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years, he has two grown daughters for his first relationship I have one son from previous vows, and we have two together... my husband is in his mid-fourtys and me in my late twentys, there are 15 years between us. Up until the last 7 months we have been a great match... always able to get through the rough stuff... all of a sudden he belives I am cheating, and that I don't love him. He gets depressed and angry with the snap of a finger and when he drinks it always gets worse. He refuses to get help thinks it is not worth it. I am at a breaking point... my children do not need this and I almost can't handle it. How do we get through this, and could it be Mid-Life Crisis?
i just discovered . . . .
He's lying. How many men do you know that have 'relationships' with women for six months with no sex?
to just discovered
My heart goes out to you! I imagine you must be extremely having a hard time. Keep reading the stories here in LifeTwo and find ways to process this, whether you write, do art, talk with friends, exercise, (but I hope you don't binge eat or drink or do drugs!).
i just discovered that my
i just discovered that my husband has been in relationship with a woman for about 6 months... when i caught him he said that this was just a time pass as he did not have sex with her... neigther he was emotionally involved. we are married for 9 years and have two kids..am sure he is going thru mid life crisis as the symtoms are pretty much clear.. i am going crazy and now want to reach out the truth..
Fell into deeper depression...
OTOH, don't mistake the cause of some of the symptoms. Just because your partner has these symptoms doesn't automatically mean cheating. MLC does not always equal sex with someone else.
In my case, I "flew right into the ground" psychologically, sexually, and physically. My low-level depression took a steep dive, I lost all interest and ability in sex, fell into an emotional affair that I wasn't even rational enough to realize I was in, lost all sense of emotional connection with my wife, etc. (I wasn't cheating on my wife in the physical sense, which is what I consider "adultery." I'm still not sure of the concept or term "emotional affair.")
For those of you that have religious faith; use it, by all means. Some of us don't have that and aren't interested in it, though.
"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)
help
HI, I too think my wife is cheating on me. I feel and will admit to the possability of having a mid life crisis. I seem to get depressed for no reason, my sleep paterns are all over the place and i have even accused a good friend of being the one who is seeing my wife. He too may be going through what i am going through. It's hard and he will need your support.
All i can ask you to do is comfort him and perhaps offer to go with him to look for help and perhaps do this with the intention of helping the two of you.
all the best x
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your story,I am going through the same thing with my husband and I have called on God many of times ---I agree totally with you that God is the only answer to my problem with my husband. I have been married for 12 years and It is really making me sick to my stomach what my husband is putting me though. He tell me that it is not my fought,that is is him and he cannot explain it. I just don't understand how he has turned this way---he was such a loving kind husband-now he has distant hisself from me and our child.
16 years on
file for separation. Not divorce, separation. You dont' have to move or kick him out or anything but it will protect your assets. Never mind if it pisses him off, it sounds like he's ready to leave you with your hands full.
If you can work it out after the separation, great.
Suzy
Clinging to the Lord, and Seeking Wisdom
Hello, I've read all of the recent comments, and I hurt for all who are going through the pain of realizing that they have put their mate first, only to realize what a mistake it was. I, too, was guilty of doing this, and it took my husband literally packing his things to wake me up to the fact that God meant what He said to me when He told me I needed to put Him first, instead of my husband. I did, and things got so much better. Then my oldest daughter and her man moved here with problems of their own . . . my husband and I recently bought land and were trying to settle down to the, "joys," of retired life . . . So, now what with the kids living next door, my other troubled teenage daughter moving back home, and raising a teenage son, all in addition to my husband being bipolar/manic depressive, and drinking on top of it, I am feeling out of sorts all over again. I've always had a deep relationship with the Lord, though my husband and kids seem always just on the surface of really serving Him, and this has also been a cause of great concern. It's not that I do so much physically, but I was constantly trying to figure out what was going on with everyone, and how I should pray about it, and what I could do personally, myself. And I've come to a point to where I just feel absolutely emotionally and mentally drained. For the past week, I've been feeling used, and put upon, in addition to feeling that I really have no value to my family. They act with such indifference that I honestly wonder sometimes if they would notice if I were not here tomorrow. I know enough to realize that a lot of this is my fault. I have allowed my kids to disrespect me, and exploit me. Just as I've allowed my husband to basically do the same, without coming out and really saying anything about it. And now, because I viewed myself as everyone's personal servant, that's the treatment I'm getting. And I'm tired. I'm tired about constantly worrying about the salvation of my family, and my distant relatives, and friends, and people who have just latched onto me through internet prayer lines, etc., who see me as their savior. Maybe that's what I've tried to be for everyone. Their miracle cure for all the misery in their lives. But I'm finally realizing that I can't be everything for everyone one hundred percent of the time. I'm at this site because I went on line in the hopes of finding out what is going on with me? Even my cats take advantage of me, and it's largely because I've allowed it. For the past two days I haven't catered to their every whim, and I've been getting onto them for trying to get on my desk, and they act like they think I've lost my mind. Maybe it's just a midlife crisis. But what can I do about it? First and foremost I realized that I had to get God back in first place. And now I feel that I need to do something to start taking care of me. I've gained about fifty pounds, and stopped wearing make-up, and don't even want to get out of bed in the mornings, because I know it's just going to be another vicious daily cycle of being taken for granted, and used. I did talk to the kids and my husband today in a little family meeting, and let them know that I'm not mad at them, but that they are going to start seeing behavioral changes in me, and that it's because I am tired of being disrespected, taken for granted, and being exploited, and that I am going to start thinking about myself for a change, instead of running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to meet everyone else's needs all the time. Then I got alone with the Lord, and I tearfully put them all in His hands and asked Him to take care of them, because He knows how to do that better than I do, anyway. And then I asked Him for the wisdom to know what to do next.
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