Listen to a man talk about his Disquiet - Live!

We went to our first marriage counceling session Friday evening. I'm not sure what I expected but it was nice to have a mediator. We even talked very civil and honest after we got home. I feel that we've both decided without verbalizing that we are seperated but living in the same house. I tend to give him all the space he needs. We aren't sleeping together now. He also told me on Valentine's Day that he felt like he was using me for sex. The sex was great as far as I was concerned so what does that mean...he was using me. Was he pretending I was someone else? I don't know but hearing that that is how he feels is enough reason to not do IT anymore. He still hugs me goodnight and kisses me goodbye so I'll just hold on to the little hope I have right now.

Granted it sounds odd to say "congratulations" given the circumstances but you have done exactly the right thing. Good luck and thank you for sharing.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

I am going through the same problem as you. My husband of almost 23 years had a short affair last year. We went to marriage counselling for about 5 months and all seemed OK. So as he found counselling difficult-he is a quiet type- we decided to go it alone. Big mistake. In January this year the woman contacted him again and he started seeing her behind my back -just for coffee etc. But still it was a betrayal. Now he has has moved out for the last two weeks 'to find his way back to the marriage'. He says he loves me and our teenage sons, but he doesn't feel the same and he doesn't know why. Last night he was here and began by telling me he didn't know if he would be back and then two hours later said how much he loved me and missed me and thinks he may come back in a week but no promises! He kisses me and hugs me when we see each other once a week. Is is so weird.

I am 38 years old with a 7 year old son, whose father may be going through a MLC at age 52. He recently called saying that he wants a divorce and that he wants nothing and will be in contact with us. He has since returned and I confronted him about same and he's not sure what is wrong with him. He, has again left and said that he will be returning "shortly" but not sure if he will or not. He can't seem to tell me what is wrong or what I can do to help him. He just "shuts" me out and seems very depressed. Not sure what to do about it. We have been together for 18 years and can not understand why this is happening to me or him. Any suggestions???

p.s. My son is very troubled by this and is now showing signs of anger towards me.

My only suggestion is to get help for the family. He needs help figuring out what is going on. You and your son need support as well. Its critical for your child to get supported and for him to know whatever is going on is not because of him. If resources are an issue, try a local community service or church. Don't struggle alone. For you - get the support of a trusting friend as well. And read everything you can here as it might help you with ideas on how to talk to him. Let us know how you fare!

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www.thedisquiet.com
Helping men who feel something missing in their lives

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Hi My name is Maria..and I've been married for 6 years now, we married late in our lives of course searching for the right person. I know in my heart I married my soul mate. Although, my husband is 43 and I'm 38 and both young at heart, he recently became very quiet and distant. My husband's always calls me cutie and showers me with compliments all the time...I thought I hit jackpot with him. This is a man that promised to love me and always comforted me when I cried about any small situation..he would say "I never want to see those little eyes cry" and that's all have done for the past two weeks cry and feel alone. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, but I find that hard to believe, so please provide me some survival tips.. Helpless in Chicago!

Here are a couple of resources for you to check out that might be good places to start...

This post which covers the following tips if you suspect your husband is having a midlife crisis:

· Learn as much as you can about what might be going on

· Ask questions but in a way that help

· Listen, and then listen some more

· Know what you can control and what you cannot

· Oh yeah, and get help - for both of you

and possibly this book How to Survive Your Husband's Midlife Crisis"

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

I understand that holding on to the little hope. Thinking one day he may return to his old self. I can have dreams cant I? Your story seems ever so real to me. I wish you the strenght to deal with this issue. I have turned to positive thinking CD's I listen to in the car and Joyce Meyer she a relious preacher.(ya I know crazy right) But she says things that makes me feel like I can make it thought my husbands crazy PMS year.

I am in, or maybe out, of a 13+ year relationship with a man I no longer know. As was stated by other writers, he began to become distant and uncommunicative over the last 6 months. He did not want to spend time with my family or grandchildren. He will be 54 this year. I recognized that he was very depressed, due to statements he had made. I finally convinced him to see a Therapist about his depression. The bomb dropped on June 18th, when he told me he hadn't been honest with me. He proceeded to tell me that he had been discussing our relationship with the Therapist, apparently not his depression and when asked what he was "getting" from the relationship, he couldn't answer. He said that he wants to begin our relationship over, dating and such, and that he cannot see a point when I wouldn't be in his life. We were planning on getting married and he is retiring this year. Doesn't want to, would rather continue working. We have two homes (a blessing in disguise), so I am now living in the other home and he has his "space", which he said he needed. I am a wreck. It seems like our relationship was an illusion to me now. Same as with the other writers, it seemed he changed overnight to someone selfish and caustic and uncaring. What to do? I did see a Therapist, but she said I was utilizing good coping skills and to continue to do so. I want answers, and there are none. I am focusing on myself now, not communicating with him other than e-mail, and now I don't even want to do that. I am hurt and angry and frustrated.

I'm going through this right now. My husband of 9 years and boyfreind of 20. We were doing great up until he had to go do some time away from us for a couple of months. I told him everyone makes mistakes and we will get through it. He's only 34 and he tells me he's not in love with me but loves me (but tells his freinds he loves me a lot). He's not one to go to counseling and I don't know what to do. He doesn't want to seperate or divorce and wants to participte with the family. He's an awsome husband and dad. we don't arguing all the time or anything like that. I gained weight alot and was realy depressed for the last 3 years. I feel I may have pushed him away one to many times both emotionally and physically. while he was doing his time I hit rock bottom and I have since been improving and getting the person I know whos inside back out not only for me but I know he misses her too. I'm worried it's a little to late. he's so back an forth. He thinks the space between us will bring us closer together. I think what he thinks is he will find someone younger more attractive and mistake that infatuation and excitement for fullfillment and the key to get him out of this crisis he is in. If anyone has any suggesstions on how I should approach this please help.

Hi! Are you still going through this? I am in a frighteningly similar situation with my husband at at home. I was wondering if it has improved? I am desperate...

God I can really relate to all of this. I have been married for 11 years and together with my husband for 16. I always thought we had a great marriage not perfect but great. He was absolutely my best friend. He's 37 and in the past 7 months has become almost a stranger to me. Moody and distant not very affectionate easily irritated. I can't seem to do anything right. He's said he doesn't think we want the same things anymore but then he says he loves me and wants to work things out. I've been trying to get him to go to a marriage therapist. He's reluctant and says he doesn't think it will help but then says it might. He's constantly giving me mixed messages. I have been so miserable these past 7 months trying to guess if he still loves me. I'm tired of feeling anxious and heartbroken and lonely. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what is going on right now! My commonlaw boyfriends of 6yrs lost a dear friend in Oct and also turned 30 this year. One day I came home and he said he thought we needed a break and he wanted me to move out. Given the circumstances I couldn't, so I didn't. He has had a few meltdowns(like depression). He has been out partying, drinking, crashing at friends house and not coming home. He made it official last week and broke up with me, he wanted me out of the bedroom but I refused to go. He comes home sometimes other nights he goes out drinking and crashes on his friends couch. I am trying to hold on cause I know there is a connection there, he just says he isn't happy and doesn't know why so he wants to take everything out of his life, make himself happy then bring things back into his life. Please help, this is a roller coster from hell!

I was just reading what you posted and I swear we are going through the same thing. My husband and I just celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. We have two boys together (7 and 9). The past couple of months I noticed he has been kind of distant and asked him about it and he always said it was work. He just started a new job last week and was stressed about it and about money. The day after our anniversary I started questioning him more and more and he finally said he was not sure he loved me or wanted to be married to me. I was floored and crushed. The next few days I tried to get him to open up more and on thanksgiving I had had enough. He said he loved me but was not in love with me. I asked if there was someone else and he said no. I ended up throwing him out of the house because I was so upset and hurt. We have not been serarated almost three weeks and the pain has not gone away at all. He is living at a friends house who is divorced and does not believe in marriage counseling which does not help. HE keeps saying he needs his space and for me to back off. His family keeps saying just give him time but I want answers. He was at the house last week and kissed me and when I questioned him he said he missed me but not all the time. He is now being treated for depression and is suppose to get into counseling but has yet to set up an appointment. I have my first therapy session saturday. He keeps saying he does not know what he wants and to just give him time. Yet I am in the home working from home and dealing with the kids while he tried to figure out what he wants. Today has been a rough day and am trying so hard not to cry. I read your email on line and thought we had something in common. Maybe we should talk. Dana

You did the right thing. It is the only way to deal with this. You will go through terrible spells but everytime you will get out feeling better. Just work on yourself and the things you CAN control. You cannot control his feelings.

Good luck hayc

I can so relate. I am in the exact same situation, I no longer know my husband. I love him, or at least who he used to be. He faced a health crisis this year and some financial difficulties and has since decided he "wants to live for himself". He no longer wants "the family" (thank god the kids are young adults) and he no longer wants me. He can't even remember why he fell in love with me. He hates his job... Now I am in a health crisis, and he doesn't want to be the a** who leaves his wife when she may be facing cancer. Some support system. He is in a separate room, we eat and talk, he knows I love him, he is just stubborn and refusing to budge, oh and he is a recovering alcoholic who has no friends of value. They don't get his alcoholism. I have been on medication and in counseling for months. He has just started alcohol counseling. When we are alone, he will tell me he doesn't know what he wants, but with the counselor, he just wants to be alone. I want to go to couples counseling. We have been through so much, and shared such a passionate relationship, I just believe it can be brought back. But like you, what do you do?

L

I have also found myself in this situation. Married almost 3 years - together 10. My husband tells me that he loves me and that we have a good marriage but he feels like part of him doesn't want to be married anymore. This has devasted me. I don't know how to function throughout the day and I feel so alone and unwanted,unloved, unneeded. He is only 34 but I think he is going through something that he can't even understand or get his head around. Am I supposed to carry on like everything is normal? I can't lie there awake beside a man I thought I knew while he snores the night away and I'm left feeling totally lost. I don't know what to do and I feel like he is just around because he has to be? Does that make any sense?

I can relate to alot of these stories,I have been living a lie to many friends and family as i try to hold my marriage together. He has had an affair which thankfully at the moment is over, the pain and hurt that gave to me is untold. He has agreed to have concelling and I hope that this will help him. I would love to hear of stories where people have come through this, and managed to have not only kept their marriage, but also made it stronger. I have a strong belief that this will happen in our relationship, but it would be good to hear from someone who has succeded in this quest.

I've been married for 17 years together 18 and I am going through same as you. I thought my marriage was wonderful and that he is my soul mate only to find out this year that he is not happy with his life. We have a 11 year old girl and a 12 year old boy. He says that he is angry and hurt because of the way ive talked down to him at times he said he's been feeling like this for about 3 years but never even hinted to me that there was anything wrong. I appologized and read many self help books and understand that I could have said thing nicer etc. I've been a faithful wife I work several days a week, I keep our house emaculate, overall I think lots of men would be happy to have me. He has changed just since he turned 40 this past July, 2oo7. He says he loves me but doesnt show me any intamacy since he has told me I left a bad taste in his mouth because of being disrespectful at times. I love him dearly and my heart is in a million pieces just like yours. How do they sleep at night while we lay their in agony wandering what the hell happened and how did i not see it? We always had a great sex life I never turned him down in the past 18 years weve been together. He was always so passionate to me visa/versa but all of a sudden its like completely gone? I feel like I'm sleeping next to my neighbor not the man I've been with and loving for 18 years. I don't understand how someone can be so loving and right after they tell you all thats been bothering them they just shut it off. Do you have same situations? He says he will try and forget the bad taste in his mouth but that he cant just shut it off overnight. He told me in October he was unhappy but we still made love just fine until 3 weeks ago when he told me had been falling out of love with me for the past 3 years. He said he was fighting his feeling when I asked him how could you be intimate with me all those years if you weren't in love with me. It wasn't just sex. He said he hid his feelings now I feel betrayed and somehow used etc. I think he's in some kind of mid life crisis because it just doesn't make any sense. Please write me what has been going on in your life and if you have any suggestions or same feelings. Lost and alone

My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. 2 grown sons. 1 married with 1 child, our beautiful 13 month grandson. 3 weeks he dropped a bomb on me telling me he is falling in love with a woman at work that he has been talking to for 3 weeks. Give me a break. Trade 30 years for 3 weeks. He says he's not even sure if he has loved me in the last couple of years or not. He thinks he should be more comfortable financially at this stage of life. He says that when our grandson was born that he remembered what love was. I think that he is having the mother of mid life crisis. He is sending me huge mixed signals. Passionate lovemaking followed by telling me that his head says to stay and not break up the family but his heart is for "her" What the hell is that! We have started counseling, only 2 sessions so far. He seems to use the sessions to give a laundry list of all the things wrong with our marriage. News to me, he up until 3 weeks ago told me he loved me and I was the only woman for him! He says he wants to work on our marriage and doesn't want to hurt me, but hasn't given me any positive feedback at all. I'm afraid he is going to run and find out that the happiness he thinks is out there won't be, but by that time he will have lost everyone that loves him. Help!

"I'm afraid he is going to run and find out that the happiness he thinks is out there won't be..."

If he is talking to you and going to therapy then hopefully he's also talking to others such as friends and relatives. If he is then we can also hope they are giving him the same message which is to not blow 30 years (not to mention potentially harming his relationship with his kids) for a temporary period of confusion.

Human behavior can be so confounding sometimes.

What Dave Schoof and others will recommend is to listen as much as you can and then listen some more. With luck it will help you both understand what is at the root of these feelings.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

I wish I could say that he's talking to someone other than the counselor. I am "better" at talking and articulating than he is, so therefore he feels defeated even before he opens his mouth (his words) He says even when he tries to talk to me, or adult sons, he just "screws it up". I am trying to be supportive. I am reading books like After the Affair which is helping. I'm understanding some things that I have done recently and over the years that may have added to this (nobody is free of responsibility here) I feel that we can work this out. I'm not sure he will hang in there until we do.

Still trying Jo

Two weeks ago my world fell apart. My husband ripped apart everything about our marriage. I realize he's going through something and isn't in control of his feelings right now but I'm so angry. He took away all the safety and security I had in the world. I feel pathetic sitting here waiting to find out if he wants to stay married or not.

one month ago my husband of 27 years came home from work and announced that he was not happy.He said we no longer have anything in common and he was leaving me and moving in with a friend of his. He told me he still loved me but he wanted a divorce. I asked him how long he had been thinking about this and if he had discussed this with anyone.He said he had been thinking about this for awhile and that he had discussed it with his two best friends (who both happen to be single). I asked him if he would go to marriage counseling and he said no he had done his duty and raised his children and he was going to support me,I am completely disabled, but he was done with the marriage. Then he left. By the way, I am disabled in the eyes of the law, I am able to walk and talk and get around I just need to rest a lot but I am able to be a partner to him. He has become very mean at times. I just don't understand how this man that I have loved for over 27 years could just walk out on me without even trying. He says he is 52 years old and deserves to be happy. What is going on? I thought we were happy?

I am so sorry for your trials. I know you are numb right now. I will pray for you. Hosea never gave up on his wife Gomer to return, but did go forward while waiting.

Hi 27, I was married to a baptist preacher for twenty-two years. We met when I was fifteen, started dating when I turned seventeen and married when I was nineteen and divorced two years ago when I was forty-two. I was broken-hearted. We have three children together, two of whom are in their early twenties and one who is now seventeen and will graduate high school in 2009. My point is that it hurts. You need to not ignore the pain. Experience all the emotions, anger, betrayal, depression, overwhelming sense of loss, because if you don't, they will find a hurtful way to come back at you later. Once you've given yourself time to experience those things, pick yourself up and move forward one step at a time. If you need a friend, I'm here. Francine L.

I can totally sympathise with you my husband dropped the bombshell almost two weeks ago where I ended up in hospital having taken an orverdose. The pain is still so raw and Im not convinced that I will ever be happy again. We were married for four years and I didn't suspect a thing until a few days before hand when he was very distant and thats when he told me he loved me but was not in love with me! He has agreed to come to relate with me but not because he belives he can re love me but to try to get the answers I require, as he can't tell me why. He can only tell me that there is something missing. our sex lives were not those of rabbits but I din't see any problems. Any ideas on how long I am going to feel like this as I could quite happily go to sleep and never wake up.

I still keep expecting him to walk in the door and me to realise it was a nightmare i was having and eventually woke up...!!!

Please help x

My husband was distant for the past year. When I would ask him what was happening he said nothing. I liked being married loved our family etc.. Then a month later he was not "in-Love" and he just wanted to be "happy". We have a 14 year old boy and a11 year old girl. He wants to "find" himself. We are in counseling but he does not want me to have "false hope" he is not sure it can work. I told him he needed to leave because even though he was sleeping upstairs he was looking at me so cold and angry. He has since moved all of his personal items like guitar, games, music but has not moved out. We need to tell the kids and he keeps putting it off so he is still at home. I have never cried harder. He is not sure he wants a divorce just does not know what he wants. If I hear he just "wants to be happy" one more time I will fall over! I am listening and the last week was okay. He is still not in our room and we have still not told the kids. He is supposed to be moving in with his Mom. Leaving our beautiful home and children and our relationship. We have never fought and the counselor is just as confused as I am. She said we have no real problem except that we have had a parrell relationship and she wants us to try and reconnect. Our "first date"is next weekend. Dreading for when we tell the kids but it is up to him to tell and start the discussion since this is his problem. He has not been able to. Just had our 16 year anniversary. So sad and confused.

I can relate to you alot Jan.3,2007 my husband of almost 11yrs. (mar.30) told me he was leaving me and his 3 boys he said he was going to stay at his brothers for a few days well Jan.4th he left said he might be back that night or in a couple of days.Well come to find out he left to be with a younger woman he is 32 she was 25.I couldnt believe how my life was turning out this man is the love of my life well 2 wks into being gone he moved in with her but at sametime was wanting his cake and wanting to eat it to so i got tired of being his puppet on a string and told her what he was doing when he came to see his kids and everything went out of control after that.He came home about 2 months later only to start talking to her again 2 days later and left us again for her 2 wks later.He was gone maybe four days and called me up telling me how he messed up leaving us again and he wants to come home.So now my question is what are the right steps to take to get past all of this that has happened so we can try and save our 11 yrs. of marriage?

I swear to you this is the EXACT situation that i am in right now. Same lines and everything. Husband does not think he's in love with me anymore. Moved out and has been out since 7/08. I desperately want him to come home and he's just not ready. Says it pushes him away when I ask him to come home. Needs space, we're not sleeping together, feels like his opinions and feelings were disregarded at home and has been unhappy for a long time. I just wondered if it was still going on for you or what has ultimately happened???? Please let me know...I'm crying all the time, my kids see it and they are definately affected by all this. We have been together for 14 years and married for 11. Help??? A.