The male midlife crisis is no joke

We have all seen the TV shows about it and laughed at the jokes. We have even seen it. The paunchy guy with little hair and thick glasses sitting behind the wheel of a BMW Z3 coup. The corvette that zips by you being driven by some nerdy looking guy. Or the dock shoes, no socks, white Levis and blazer worn by the 56 year old with a blond on his arm who isn’t his daughter.

At work we have gossiped about the romance between the married guy and a coworker.

How did the mid-life crisis (MLC) become a joke? Was it because it looked funny – all the old guys trying to act like young studs? Or is it deeper. We make jokes and point at other because it is such a painful subject?

Jokes aside, the MLC is a hugely spiritual happening. Maybe the word "crisis" is the problem. It evokes the feeling of an emergency that was unplanned. Like a hurricane that comes out of no where and destroys the town.

I wonder if it really comes from nowhere. We all know about the stage of adolescence and it's craziness. We joke about that as well – from a different perspective though – we have all been there. With the MLC, we do something different – we point our fingers at it like we know what it is but we haven’t done it. Really?

So what if it’s a real bona fide stage of development? A real passage in life? What if we all go thru it just like we all go thru the experience of being shocked at looking in the mirror and seeing an old man when we still feel the same as we did at 16? That picture not fitting the experience is a mid life crisis.

The laying in bed at 3 am …again…in fact is now a routine. We wake, we toss, we panic, and then we get quiet and think the thoughts that never come at any other time. Quiet, deep really personal thoughts about where did our life go. Time is running out and we never did this or that. Regrets, sadness, and despair. At 3 am. That’s a MLC.

Watching a sappy commercial that somehow conveys how we feel. All of a sudden my heart is grabbed and I am sitting there with tears coming down my cheeks. And being embarrassed somehow equating in my mind that tearing up is the same thing as losing bladder control. I’m losing it. That is a MLC.

Where did we get the idea that this stage in life is a crisis?

I think it’s because of how we are relating to it. The panic that something is wrong makes it a crisis. The idea we are doing something wrong, that life has gone wrong and that we are losing at life all make it a crisis.

I was supposed to be earning $200K. I was supposed to be a VP. I was supposed to have the kid’s college paid for. I was supposed to never ever have to be sweating paying the bills each month. I was never ever supposed to be scared of getting old and what will happen to me. I was supposed to be smiling all the time inside a tanned and healthy body.

Living somewhere near water and boats and sun. I was supposed to be popular, even famous for something. I was not supposed to be panicking about a body sagging, going softer and getting bigger and aching all the time. And somehow I was supposed to hang on to hair that would just get the right amount of gray to look sophisticated.

So a lot of supposed to's. I think the biggest surprise is how the internal me has not changed much since I was in my teens. Or does the mid life phase just bring back the same kinds of thoughts, perspectives and goofy ideas that I had when I was a teen?

This relates to an unease or restlessness mostly in men. I call it the Disquiet. How does this relate to the Disquiet? It’s another stream that feeds the ocean of unease. It’s another thing that we tend to either take reckless action to fix or make go away. Another lesson of cause and effect – what happens when you ignore a message that keeps trying to get through?

The message: pay attention to what is important in your life. And engage in that! Not the external signs of success. Not the favorite mind numb-ers of the day (edgy TV, movies, martinis, designer drugs, and Amazon.com.

What does your restlessness tell you?

What is calling to be heard deep down inside?