My wife is having a mid life crisis - Advice please

Hang tough. She's acting like a brat. Stay in control of the house and kids until she comes to her senses. Cut her off. It's called tough love. She's probably been stepping all over you and lost all respect, or something of that nature.

Joel

First, understand you are not alone. Second, understand that you can't make her act or feel any particular way, you can only control how you feel and respond to her actions. Seek counseling if need be. Third, talk to a lawyer. You have three kids and you need the right advice on what to do not do. Fourth, understand that this could be a very tramactic experience for your kids. Be there for them.

Good luck and we're with you.

Protect yourself and your children legally by seeking the advice of a good divorce lawyer - even if you don't actually get a divorce. Let your wife and her MLC run it's course. The more you try to stop her, the further she will run. I'm a 34 year old divorced woman coming out of MLC and there was nothing my ex husband could have done or said to stop me. Lastly, I encourage you and your children to seek therapy or counselling for your own well-being.

The previous comment is spot-on correct. You've got a couple of phone calls to make. The divorce lawyer (and I hope that it turns out to end up being unnecessary) and a therapist. Your children are at critical ages and you should get professional guidance on how to communicate with them as well as giving them an outlet directly with the therapist. It is going to be a confusing and hurtful time for them and you need reinforcements.

I wish i had seen this when my wives mlc began in august. she woke up and said it's over i looked in the mirrow saw a 42 year old woman,little to no money in the bank,this is my life no thank you,4 days before 23rd annivesary. She filed divorce,pushed me,our daughter,son out of her life,and it got ugly from there.i didn't know about MLC then, i do now. just let her ride it out,there is no going back for me or my kids now,she went to far and destroyed everything and so did I . Just be patient,do not jump to any conclusions,do get a lawyer though just in case. good luck.

So I'm not alone.

My wife, best friend and lover for 12 years, just turned 30 this past October, is having a mid life crisis. She's said it is over, never going to be fixed. Will not even think about marriage counseling. The only counseling she will accept is to discuss how to deal with our 3 1/2 year old son.

She's going out partying 3 times a week or so. Says she needs more space to enjoy her life and friends. But she wants to have primary custody of our son. wtf? Who in their right mind could possibly think that by being a single mom they'd be able to have the freedom to live like a college student again?

Worst thing that has ever happened to me. The selfishness is unbelievable, and the hurt she causes.

Know what's the worst? I know she will come out of it eventually, and she will end up devastated about her situation. But there is very little chance that I'll be able to be there for her to pick up the pieces and welcome her back into my life. Sad. Oh so incredibly sad.

I could have written your post (Wowsers) except my husband is 32. We have been together 10 years - and now he has decided he missed out on life and wants to start over as someone else.

I have let him go - I didn't know what else to do. Still deciding about divorce. Luckily we do not have children - only a dog - and I have full custody.

It is unbelievably sad. I often wonder where he will end up - and who will be there to help him figure out his life.

My wife was told she had PTSD. She was a police dispatcher and has handled alot of terrible things. One of them an officer got killed. Im a cop. I could see the PTSD side of it, but she has this fantasy of an old boyfriend from 20 years ago. That they were ment to be together. She looked him up and she told me ive got one foot out the door. But he will not leave his wife, he is having problems with. I thought its was strange that PTSD would bring this about. The more I look at it. Its MLC, she dosent know who she is. "Ive got to find myself....I need to be alone. I should be with the boyfriend. WTF.

Ive been married for 22 years and one day my wife told me she wants out of our marriage. Got a sport car a boob job and like's to hang out and tex message with photo's to 18 year old Kids she is just turned 40 we have 3 kids 15 17 19 she just moved out alone I kept the house. First thing you cant talk her into staying or try to figure her out you will fail at both. Let her goooo you have a big task ahead of you that will be very rewarding in the end. This train wreck will happen at least you can keep the kids off the tracks I will tell you one more thing there will be a knock at the door it's your choice if you want to open it or not mine did and i chose not to answer it

I appreciate finding this site. 6 weeks weeks ago my 35 year old wife told me that she she wasn't happy and was leaving. I was devestated. Since then she has been acting very strange where are kids are concerned when we switch the kids, she can't get away fast enough. I tried pushing her with passion and logic at first but that only drove her further away. She has decided that all she wants to do is live a party and be with her friends away from her family. If you haven't already found www.divorcebusting.com it is very helpful and has a lot of insite to dealing with our spouses. Good luck to you all. I hope we can all get through this with our marriagesa intact.

wowsers - i'm in exactly the same position, but no kid just a dog. First I was upset, then confused, now I'm angry. I wonder what the next stage is.

I've never had a problem with her partying, not that she did very much. But the way she is behaving is just weird, it doesn't seem like her. Since 19 she's been with me for 10 years and I guess she wants to try out other things before it's too late. Her mistake is assuming I'll be there when she's over it.

Not sure if this is a mid-life crisis, but my spouse of 14 years decided that things had reached a "critical mass" in her life, with our child, with me, with everything, and that she wanted out. Some torrid months followed, and the net result is that a separation is imminent. Trying to look for signs, and there are some, such as her "wanting to bloom" ,etc. Though I have never mentioned the word mid-life crisis to her, one comment she made was that she might be going through a phase. Yet she has also said that she feels exactly the same upon turning 40 as she did when she was 39. Certainly there have always been issues between us,...but one wonders if a mistake is being made? The thing is that she is not someone who easily communicates her feelings...is more apt to keep them bottled up.

NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED TO MY WIFE OF 21+ YEARS BUT ONE DAY VERY EARLY IN THE MORNING WOKE ME UP AND SIMPLY SAID I WANT A DIVORCE. I HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE ELSE AND I AM GOING, ITS TOO LATE FOR ANY HELP OF ANY KIND FOR OUR MARRIAGE FUNNY SHE NEVER SAID ANYTHING OTHER THAN I LOVE YOU EVERYDAY.NOW ITS HE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT,HARD TO BELEIVE WHEN IN 5 MONTHS SHES DROVE 300 PLUS MILES TO STAY EVERY LONG WEEKEND SHE CAN.I NEVER SAW IT COMING,AND AM COMPLETELY DEVASTATED,I STILL HOPE SHE CAN FIGURE IT OUT,I WOULD AT LEAST LIKE TO HAVE A CHANCE.OH AND BY THE WAY SHE TURNED 40 THIS YEAR,AND OUR SECOND CHILD IS GETTING READY TO MOVE OUT FOR COLLEGE,MID LIFE CRISIS COULD BE????

I went through this- dumped the hubby of 14 years and now every day I wake up I am so happy! He was emotional baggage I didn't need! I encourage every woman to evaluate if she is staying because of "all the time invested"- if you are staying because of that, let go! You will be so happy when you do!

Why is it that is is just a phase and women are to blame...? Can't quite figure it out...is it a mistake to want to live more, love more? I agree dumping it all for someone else is not the best way to transition to a single life and maintain relationships...maybe I am in denial when I refuse to go back--every time I think about going back, it would be for everyone else's happiness...since when does anyone have to play martyr for everyone else's status quo??? Why does divorce always have to = unlove?

YOU SHOULDNT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT EVERYONE ELSES HAPPINESS BUT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO STEP BACK AND LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE,WERE THINGS REALLY BAD ENOUGH TO PICK UP EVERYTHING AND JUST LEAVE WITHOUT WARNING? EVERY RELATIONSHIP HAS A CYCLE, IN THE BEGINNING YOU FALL IN LOVE,YOU DONT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING TO DO THIS THAT WHY THEY CALL IT "FALLING" IN LOVE THEN AFTER A FEW YEARS SOME OF THE GLITTER BEGINS TO FADE,BUT THE ANSWER DOES NOT LIE OUTSIDE THE MARRIAGE,IT LIES WITHIN IT.THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON, ITS LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND. SUSTAINING LOVE IS NOT A PASSIVE EXPERIENCE, YOU CANT FIND LASTING LOVE BECAUSE IT TAKES TIME EFFORT AND ENERGY BUT MOST OF ALL WISDOM TO MAKE IT WORK IT DOESNT JUST HAPPEN THAT WHY THEY CALL IT A LABOR OF LOVE .

I am a wife and am just coming to the realization that I am in a MLC - I can tell you it is devastating to the person who is on this side of the situation.

I have a wonderful husband who I do love very much, and the feelings I have regarding what I am going through are very confusing to me. I am terrified of making decisions I will regret. I am trying to get him into counseling with me because I am praying that we can make it through this together.

Nice attitude about marriage - if it doesn't serve MY needs then I'm outta here. Why do you idiots get married in the first place?

Wife of 25 years meeting some old high school crush 1500 miles away. We are both married with children and I am having a tough time. Good luck to you. Crazy situation.

...from another one.

Shelly, your post is filled with much wisdom. As a wife/mother/grandmother approaching 50 I very much appreciate your response to the MLC issue here.

Accepting that we aren't 20 anymore, as you say, is a tough one to get past, but once I recognized it and accepted it I was able to move on and continue enjoying life with my soulmate.

Maybe the real issue of others is whether or not they truly found their soulmate to begin with. It took a second time around for me to find my soulmate, but in my case fortunately I realized that when I was much younger.

Hi - I'm a wife, age 42, who in the past 4 months has begun to question every aspect of my life. I too have been obsessed with an old boyfriend. As distressing as this is, I know deep down it's not "real" unhappiness. I am married 14 years, have been in marriage counseling for 9 years. There is nothing I have asked of my husband that he has not (eventually) done for me, including counseling, stopping drinking, becoming more involved with the kids. I am wracked with guilt at my unhappiness, because I have no reason to be unhappy. The worst is the obsessing about the old beau (especially sexually). My libido has increased over the past year, while my husband's has decreased and was never big to begin with. My only advice, as we muddle through this, is to absolutely seek counseling. I am also in private counseling with a woman so that I don't share all this crap with my husband. The ironic thing is that I'm fairly certain if I married the old boyfriend, I'd be in the same boat as I am now - it's not really about my husband, it's about me. We have three children, and all will finally be in school next year. Despite all this angst, I am hopeful that if I just stay put and ride this out, I will be able to look back at all this and be proud of staying with my family. The posts from wives who stayed and are glad made me feel much better. Glad I found the site - will stay in touch, too! LI Housewife

I am 35. But I already feel like my life is over. I had a kid I didn't want to have at 23, I got married when I didn't want to and now I am so unhappy with it all and really want out! I can see myself slowly turning my life into a disaster yet, I can't seem to find a way to stop. I want sex with 20 yr olds and I want to go have fun again. Though I know it is totally illogical and stupid. I don't look 35, I don't feel 35 when I am ALONE, but I feel like 50 when I am with my Husband of 8 years. It's a terrible pull, and yet. I can't seem to rationalize myself out of it. Probably everyone elses wives have felt similiar. Hopefully if this is a MLC I can steer out of it somehow before I ruin it all. I wonder if alcohol works!? :(

I'm sure you weren't serious but I must address it anyway. Alcohol doesn't help with what you've described--in fact it can lead to a train wreck. You appear very in tune with your feelings which should help you as you try to work through this. Alcohol could destroy that path to resolution.

LifeTwo did a podcast on female midlife crises and it can be found here.

From the podcast:

"Because [the female midlife] crisis often comes from within, rather than from uncontrollable external forces, women often have it in their power to resolve it themselves."

and

"Women usually have better support systems – friends and family – than men. They are also more likely to seek assistance. Turning to those support systems is an excellent step."

Good luck.

The past few weeks I noticed a change in the behavior of my wife of 18 years. She was going out more with her friends and talking less to me. It really hit me when we were on a trip together with our kids and she went out both nights with a group of other people on the trip and asked if I minded staying with the kids. A few days later I confronted her with her distance and her actions. She told me she did not know exactly what was bothering her or driving her but she has and has had for a few years ( off and on ) a desire to have more emotional connection in her life. From me and others. We have talked at a very honest level... very honest. I think she wants to validate herself as an inteligent, attractive, desireable woman and she wants that from others as well as more from me. I want to give her support and space on her needs. I feel like she wants to feel the chase of other men.

Comments? Anybody seen this? I esp want to hear from women who may have had similar feelings..

Thanks

My husband of 20 years started acting odd a few weeks ago. He was very angry and said it was because the house is a mess. Then he said that it was because I never wanted to do anything. Not true! we just purchased a camper and had several camping trips planned. He has a couple of four wheelers that he likes to ride and that is something I don't have an interst in doing but I'm always willing to go along and watch. All of his anger has been directed at me-short, rude answers. He told me he is longer in love with and wants a divorce. Is this his mid life crisis and am I to blame? He has been my best friend for 22 years I tell him everything and now my heart is breaking for myself and our kids. I do not want a divorce but his attitude is so hard to take now!

To the husband who asked for advice, consider this: Part of mid-life transition/crisis for most women is the realization that we have been spending the past 10-20 years of our lives being wife/worker/mommy and have lost touch with our real selves. So be understanding and encouraging when she wants to try out new pursuits. No - hanging out in bars and flirting with much younger guys isn't the kind of pursuit I'm talking about - but what are her long-buried dreams? What did she want to be before she became a wife and mother? I think it's very normal for a woman to read a point where she's sick & tired of always doing for everyone else and wants - nay, needs to do for herself. And of course, the people she's been taking care of won't like that. If you want to hang onto her and the marriage, you've got to support her in her search for herself - her real self - not the mommy-drone she may have become.
(Do I sound bitter? Shall I tell you how many times a day I mutter "Everyone wants a piece of me"? Am I in midlife transition? Oh yeah.) I wish you luck, strength and wisdom. And remember - a midlife shake-up is normal, not selfish, not immature, not sick. Men and women go through this - it's our second adolescence.

"Do I sound bitter?"

Not in the least. It sounds like you have a great deal of perspective. You are absolutely right that midlife shake-ups are normal and they can end up with all participants in a better place and more well-positioned for the next phase of your life. Author Sarah Davidson called it the "narrows" and said in so many words that you can try and ignore it, you can try and repress it or postpone it, but at some point it is going to catch up with you. Life coach David Schoof (and frequent contributor here) calls it "the Disquiet".

There is so much pressure on us to maintain the status quo whatever it is we're doing. If you are a housewife but dreamed of being more (which is just about everyone), there is pressure to repress those feelings/dreams/memories. If you are a man or woman and unhappy in your career, there is pressure to repress those feelings rather than risk the income/mortgage/etc. that a change would inevitably entail.

As you say, it calls for "luck, strength and wisdom." I'll add two more, communication and support from friends/family. With those five, we should all end up living the lives with a lot less compromises.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com

I'm going through alot of the same issues. My wife of 15 years had an online romance with an old boyfriend from college. This started because she says she views me as her best friend and not as her lover and needed something more. This has ended at my request. She is turning 40 this year and doesn't feel sexy and is looking outside for reassuance. She tells me there is nothing I can do or change, I am what she has always wanted until now. We are working hard to save everything, I have forgiven her for her online indiscretion. Now if anyone can give me some advice on another issue that has arisen. She has a male friend who is going through a mlc himself. They talk on the phone and text each other all the time. I have seen the text and they are nothing to get upset over. She said they are counseling each other to get one another through. She tells me she would never do anything with him. I have had dinner and played golf with him as well and he assures me it is nothing more than a friendship as does she. I can not help but feel unsure and uneasy. I feel if I push to have her stop she will hold it against me, and as emotional as she still is I dont think this would be good. Any words of advice out there.

It's easy to see why you might be a little ill at ease given your wife's past online affair. It seems like you have truly forgiven her but that you don't 100% trust her. While this is probably human nature that doesn't make it healthy for your relationship or for you.

Based on what you are saying there is a lot going on here. Wife with MLC, friend with MLC, perhaps a little co-dependency between the two of them, wife saying you are more of a friend than a lover, etc., etc.

There are several good books on dealing with infidelity that should have some suggestions helpful for you but with everything going on you might want to consider counseling--ideally with your wife but otherwise by yourself.

I should note that despite the challenges you've encountered there is a lot of things that give optimism. You've been married 15 years, not a small feat in today's world. Your wife stopped her online indiscretions after you requested and you have been willing to forgive her. All in all it appears that there is a lot there to work with.

Perhaps others will have some thoughts as well.

Good luck.

Question for wives who have been through their MLC: What advice do you have for a husband who is trying to hang in there until it is over? I am trying to keep the family intact through this craziness - all I can think of to do is wait - try not to criticize - and stay out of the way. Any thoughts?

Waiting