Is My Spouse Cheating Because Of A Midlife Crisis?

This has been going on some time. My partner of 30 years is MLC, I never would have believed he would do this. I have a demanding job and work away, staying over 2 or 3 nights a week at work and he looks after the home and our daughter of 12, working part time from home. He doesn't bring in much but this has never been a problem and I've always valued his input to the home, he looks after our money and invests it and pays all the bills. This has suited him in the past, he is not a sociable person, doesn't make friends and very self-relient. We've always had a good life, we like each other, we talk, we have a wonderful daughter, we go on holidays. He tells me he is fed up of being tied to home, which I understand. He has got very depressed, which some of it was getting older, weaker, often got moods, we have talked about it, he doesn't know what he wants.... I understood a bit, and tried to give him some space. He wants to "make new friends that he can talk to" and uses the internet a lot. Well, a couple of years ago, he told me he wanted to go on a trip to see another place, it turned out he'd 'met' a woman online, and they shared an apartment for a weekend. I'd actually become suspicious of this new-found interest in seeing new places, and found out about this before he went; after a lot of lies and deceit he swore he just wanted to meet other people with different perspectives and stories and that it wasn't for sex or anything - he wanted to make a new friend for both of us. OK I wasn't happy, it upset me a lot and I considered leaving him, I suspected that he'd met her through some sort of singles ad, but understood that he might need a little tolerance at this time and if it was platonic I decided that maybe he needed a break. He started emailing her and swapping their heartfelt stories, and lovey messages, he felt he'd made a real friend, and even after I knew about it, she even came to stay - and I it turned out he had met her whilst posing as a single - I accepted her as a friend of the family, looking on it as a weird form of meeting people although it seemed obvious he was getting emotionally involved. I thought by making it more open she would either be scared off or become a more open friend. She was an eastern european trying to come to UK and he went to her country for a visit too (and they stayed in the same room and probably had sex - all the while he was denying it), which seemed good for him, he cheered up for a while - eventually she gave up and cut him off, telling him she'd found someone else. He was emotionally wounded by this and I thought he'd learnt his lesson. I tried to tell him how emotionally wounded I was, but he was consumed by his own pain and her 'deceit' and 'lies' - even though I asked him to reflect on me being treated to exactly the same deceit and lies. I thought at the time I couldn't be more hurt (but I did feel I'd contributed to it by being tolerant and trying to save our relationship) and I thought maybe he's learnt his lesson, and for a while he was more attentive and loving and said things like he should be happy with what he has, we went away for a break together on our own without our daughter, but I discovered a new ad in some ways it seems harmless over such distance, if he wants to live a fantasy life for a bit in his head.... but obviously it involves other people, and deceiving them - added to which he describes himself as single having an MLC looking for love (which hurts me - if he wants a friend why not advertise for friends), on the other, he's spending a lot of time at night on the internet, again, I discovered a message from a girl telling him if London goes alright, who knows what next? He's now saying it's not fair me going away all the time... I think he wants to meet this new woman. I told him at the time, with the last one how hurt I was, how it devastated my world was, but he seems disengaged with that. He keeps repeating he only wants to make friends, but this is not friends as I keep repeating, why hurt me? I said, if you want your freedom, end it with me and then you can be single and try it on your own. Also, it doesn't have to be for ever, he could try it for a couple of years till he knows what he wants - at least I don't have to bear it. I threatened to go - and he accepted that and told our daughter I might not be around for ever! I didn't go, I couldn't go through with it. It doesn't seem to make any difference. He says he doesn't want that and he's trying to find someone who can relate to both of us .... he feels lonely, etc. etc. ...... but this is not the way to do that and I am not stupid.... I told him last time that any more would be the end for us and now there is more and I feel lost and lonely .... I know I should make the preparations, but I see our beautiful daughter and she is settled and stable at school and I don't know what to do. It hurts me so much ... I still love him but I can't get hurt like this and he's done it again even though I've explained and he seems to understand the explanation, without understanding it emotionally. He says I don't want him to have friends. People responding to these things, to leave him don't realise that even though it hurts and you know what to do - it doesn't make it easy. I know it seems obvious he is treating me apallingly. If I go, I will have to move nearer work. He holds all our money - I have before said I will go - that it's too much, but not gone. Why should this threat be any different? Perhaps I'm such a loser.... in some ways I don't want him any more all the love I had is for the person in the past, not for this unfeeling person who doesn't care any more about me (although I know he does care and it's confusing). I feel walked all over but also blame myself, why am I such a doormat? I'm a strong person in my worklife... If I go, I will want to take my daughter with me but her life will change, she loves her father passionately and it will be all my fault. If I leave her with him, will he look after her, how will she think of me. I love my partner too, I don't want to be alone any more than he does. Why is he doing this. Will it be a wake up call? too late? Do I want him anymore? Not really. Does he really think that he will be satisfied with easy sex .... he's emailing young Eastern Europe girls. I snooped. He's always going on about lies and deception and yet he's stooping so low .... if I move out I probably won't come back. I feel so sad. I realise I can tolerate it for a while and it will probably go away with time - but will I hate him by then? It's not as if we don't talk or have a fractious relationship - we don't. I've called him a cheating rat but I don't think he takes it seriously. What do people think? comments welcome - it's not easy when you're emotionally involved to think. Sue.

well my husband is going through a mid life crisis, and i dont know how to deal with it, his sex drive is low and when he does get hard its not all the way. i dont know if he is having an affair he leaves not all the time but with no change of clothes, so what do i do, i have asked him and he has told me no. im sorry i dont believe him what do i do whats my next step. please help me k.

well my husband is going through a mid life crisis, and i dont know how to deal with it, his sex drive is low and when he does get hard its not all the way. i dont know if he is having an affair he leaves not all the time but with no change of clothes, so what do i do, i have asked him and he has told me no. im sorry i dont believe him what do i do whats my next step. please help me k.

Hire a private investigator using funds your husband will not notice are missing. That's what I did and lo and behold, my husband was indeed cheating on me. We are now in the process of getting divorced. If you're worried he's being unfaithful, it's likely that he is in fact cheating on you. It's your subconcious mind telling you something isn't right. Make sure you don't tip him off that you're suspicious. You have to play it cool so that he doesn't get more careful in covering his tracks. Be prepared for the truth. When I finally found out the truth, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Good luck.

Just because he is having sex with another woman doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It is 100% natural for men to want to "spread their seed", and after a lifetime of being told that it is bad most men realize that they have been lied to. That can cause a lot of anger and depression.

Remember, he is just doing what is natural, and our society has to get away from the view that natural is bad, and move towards the view that natural is normal.

Your commentary is pretty sad. Men should indulge in unrestrained sexual affairs because it's natural. Isn't that how dogs do it?

I guess loyalty, fidelity, principled living are unnatural. You're either a woman with low self estaeem or a guy who has concocted this theory to justify running around. Saddlt, your's is one of the many rationales people come up with to betray their spouses. The "I can;t help myself" line.

There's a great story on the web (and on paperback now too i think) about this stuff... kind of makes you think a lot about what does and does not matter, although a little depressing a very good story. It did make me view my husband's crisis a little differently... because i knew the right things to ask finally. "Requiem for a midlife crisis" by Phoenix Michaels. Wow, I thought, there's someone way worse off than me! Cindy

Dear ALL

varied psychological research shows that sexual fidelity, love, emotion, and heartful loyalty are not all necessarily representative of a single phenomenon people tend to call "marriage".

Marriage is a union, a partnership - unlimited partnership that is - of two people whose intentions at the point of marriage were to SUPPORT EACH OTHER. That means, each party to this union, of their own volition, had a UNILATERAL intention to do maximum in their power to support the other party, irrespective of how that other party might see things.

This is what the older generations referred to as LOYALTY.

These people did it in hope that they are going to be embraced and taken care of. IN HOPE, not by premise of rational calculations.

This is where the emotional part comes to the picture.

And all components we just mentioned had an add-on of sexual relationship. However passionate it might have been, it often turns into the underlying basis for hope and emotions, but is still a separate thing... a kind of trigger - one of many possible triggers.

SO, my dear students, now we ask ourselves - has LOYALTY been the underlying basis for your particular marriage, are you certain you entered into the partnership in HOPE, or has it been a rationally calculated sex driven projection?!?!

Note: by "rationally calculated" i mean a kind of logic that goes "i deserve this and that because i have such and such traits... i trade my traits to get what i deserve".

One then recognises that a LOYALTY and HOPE - based marriage has no boundaries. It only has upside, irrespective of what happens in terms of sex, money, property - any and all your material posessions - as this union's premise is independent of those, it is stimulating and aims to bring out the best of the people.

Rationally calculated marriage has only static stability - once any of the underlying calculation factors go unbalanced, the union breaks. Note here, that perception of balance is highly specific to individual reasoning - no two people have identical perception of these things unless they communicate openly and very-very closely (which is unlikely in calculated relationships as their premise suggests)

Certainly, one might argue that people try to achieve the HOPE and LOYALTY state via initially entering into calculated projections stuff - but as underlying premises are so different, in trying to bridge these, one would expect people to be "calculating" to learn to forgive, learn to give away without looking back, learn to get rid of their calculating mentality per se in order to turn truly hopeful and loyal... instead people usually feed their egos, often fueled by their fears of unfair retribution (i.e. being given in return something that doesn't match their perception of fair trade practices between men and women).

And then you ask why people seek relationships outside?!?! You run arguements on how unemployed housewives can best hurt their hubbies since they find hubbies screwing someone after work or maybe at work?!... the other side then has hubbies looking to get different women to live with them after they succeed in securing their property from division at divorce???

WHY not look at your "fair trade" crap first ! There can be no fair trade because you don't want to be trading your LIVES !!

You want your lives to be filled with HOPE !!! You want LOYALTY in your lives!!

Admit it bluntly and stop hiding from yourselves!

your own egos and pride are the root of all your troubles. and the problem is systemic because things that surround us all target further feeding of egos, soaring pride, and lack of understanding.

the one thing you can do for your relationship - is find a way to engage your "other half" into a discussion for HOPE and LOYALTY. if you believe they're not ready, you need to think of steps that could help lead the preparation... be that education, or travel together, or even studying together! ENGAGE!!

you do have to QUIT TRADING your life... and prevent others from doing so, no matter how great a seduction you face.

kindly - AIB

thank you....your words helped :)

ladies, PLEASE take this advice from me. i am 40 yrs. old and have been married 4 times. every one of my husbands cheated and now i am going through another divorce because of it. if it is put in front of them, they WILL take it! most women never think their husbands would cheat and they are fools for believing in them. i have had to learn this the hard way. my best advice to anyone who is married, you either have to learn to deal with the fact that at one time or another they are going to be unfaithful or don't bother getting into a relationship at all!!! because of all the problems i have had with men, I WILL NEVER TRUST A MAN AGAIN.

I went over the jealousy issue a long time ago when I was a young married person, and decided that it didn't matter if I were the most beautiful, accomplished woman in the world--if he wanted to cheat, he was going to. Therefore, why worry. Why not just place my trust in him and if that trust got shattered, so be it. I mean, Bill cheated on Hillary. My BIL cheated on my sister. My husband's boss had an office affair. My husband works with smart young women. I had no defense. He's all right and so am I. We are loyal. I complain a lot about him, but I got over my yearning to find a lover. I think it must be that one of the themes of your life has to do with betrayal. I think, for me it would really be pretty simple. I told him if he falls in love with anyone, just tell me for Gosh sake and I'll let him go.

The breakdown of a martial relationship can occur at any time during the life a marriage...BUT...the occurrence of of extra-martial affairs/infidelity drastically increases when a person has entered into midlife re-evaluation or crisis. In fact, the marriage/relationship is the first thing to be attacked and more than likely both partners are on the path toward a full blown midlife crisis...it just depends on which partner has the most triggers ready to fire at a moments notice. The martial breakdown is a component of what feeds the crisis AND the seeking of another's attention is a way that the MLCer tries to restore their self-esteem and confidence. They do not realize that the MLC is about what is going on within themselves...they are projecting their problems on to the marriage/relationship and their spouse. The fact that more and more women who are at midlife are having affairs and displaying all the signs and symptoms of MLC should be proof that you can't apply some of the major studies and research that were cited here:

"* "stronger sexual interests (aka "sex drive"), * more permissive sexual values, * lower ... satisfaction with their union, * weaker ... ties to partner, * and greater sexual opportunities"

Let's talk about the majority of women who are in MLC...NO sex drive, Deep moral, ethical and spiritual convictions, prior strong ties to union, children and family, prior satisfaction with marriage, limited sexual opportunities until they put themselves out there. The above quote from the article just doesn't fit the majority of women or the wives of the men that coach/advise on a daily basis. Many of these women in their pre-MLC would have ever considered an affair...in fact, they all have been too consumed by their other roles as women. This I have found to be true of many of the men that I counsel also.

To blow the occurrence of an affair or infidelity off as something that just happens due to a person's make-up, childhood history or parental representative or the fact that the union was doomed all along...well, that sort of leaves many people in a hopeless position and further gives people the permission to enter in to them. I mean, why not...it's going to happen any way!

Yes, Midlife crisis CAN go hand-in-hand with infidelity...but it also doesn't need to occur...there are ways to avoid this destructive facet of an MLC....I have worked with several people who have been able to get through the MLC AND save their marriages. But as the article says...there are marriages that were doomed from the start...the Affair was just the thing to push it over the edge.

Why not to try 5th who is not able to perform sex.

Could be a clumsy cry for help and not what he really wants at all. It sounds like he has hardly been excessively careful about hiding any of this - same as my wife. But once they take it too far then they will never be able to admit that. I think that many of us get to a stage in marriage where we just can't be emotionally open to each other anymore. We are then vulnerable to affairs. Life pressures/daily routines/MLC etc. makes us sit there and not try because it's their problem - not mine! We can probably easily tell a complete stranger (and we do thanks to the internet) everything that we need to say to our spouse. He probably wants love and respect (he is feeling that he is not getting it whatever the reality is) and is now unfortunately acting in a way that is not going to get it. Read books like the Divorce Remedy and give things careful thought before acting on them. Despite what we feel (hopeless, trapped etc.), this is probably one of those “for worse” parts of the wedding vows and needs to be carefully navigated to safely arrive later. People can and do change.

Yes, you're right in all those things. We had a heart to heart about it and I showed him the post. He says people would think different things because we've never officially married so technically he is single.... but it's not like that.... he says.... The women provide someone to talk to and he tells me he that perhaps he doesn't know what a friend is. He'd like more social contact but doesn't know how to get it. Thing is,whenever anyone I know comes around he's pretty socially unwelcoming to them.... I am giving stuff careful thought, he's had a health scare and that makes him depressed. He says he's felt so low he's thought about suicide, and breaking up is not what he wants. I think he's tried to understand how I feel, I asked him whether it's ok for me to do the same thing, but he doesn't take it seriously because I'm not likely to do that. I'm trying to understand his cry for help but I'm not letting him do any more wandering.... Perhaps he wants me to hurt? he says not and that he didn't understand how upset I would be, I think that MLC does signal a life change, but what's going to come out?

I feel for you and your situation. I myself am the stay at home person. I find myself understanding a little of how your husband feels being alone and wanting a friend. It is a lonely life taking care of kids and when they start to need you less (kids) you have more time to think and react. It makes me jealous sometimes because my husband has a life outside our home and I often feel trapped. (I recently got a job outside of the home which helps me appreciate a little how hard it is to work) It is really hard to find friends and I would imagine a stay at home dad has it even harder than us stay at home mom's. That being said in my situation I wish my husband who is consumed with his work and stress of it and really is cheating on me with his work would take time to notice me and remember how hard I work and also realize that he is my only connection so when they treat you so casually you feel unimportant even though you have held up your side of the deal. I don't think you can stop his talking on the internet or trying to find a friend. What you can try is being his friend and spending time with him. You could do things together to meet people together. One question I have is why does he need a friend to relate to both of you? Three is a crowd. what would that friend do? Hang in there. I know I am going thru the same sort of stuff in my marriage.

I generally agree with the article, but I think in some cases the MLC can help cause infidelity because of the unexpectedness of its arrival and its severity. It may not be the ,b>primary cause, but it can be part of the cause. MLC can have infidelity. It also can have none at all. It depends on the people involved.

I think each MLC is much more complex and personally-unique than we sometimes suspect. I don't think "...all men cheat..." as someone put it above. For one thing, generic statements (all ... do ...) are almost always wrong, as all it takes is one example to disprove them. I can understand the anger and bitterness that would cause a woman to say that, though.

I think Lisa has a good response to infidelity, "If you fall in love with someone else, then GO!" It puts a price on infideltiy on the table, which is something that doesn't always occur to them.

However, it's also good to remember your partner is human. Both partners need to remember to stay out of situations where they could be tempted. Falling to temptation is an all too human response. How many men or women would fall to temptation if a hot, young thing hit on them at the wrong time and circumstance? I used to be confident I could walk away. Now, I'm not so sure...and maybe that's the better way to feel about it. It keeps me more wary of getting into situations where I could be tempted.

I have done a lot of thinking about how we 'run marriage' in our society. Do we really, down deep, think all people in their late teens and early twenties are grown up enough to marry? I certainly don't think so. I also don't know what the answer is, as the statistics show that couples living together before marriage actually increases the probability of divorce.

"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)

Midlife crisis; merely arriving at a time in your life only to discover the simplest fact of marriage... the premise is flawed, and was from the very begining. Add to that also the additional fact that the genesis of marriage... an agreement with lifelong consequences... is entered into at a very young age, when one hardly has the knowledge or experience to wisely CHOOSE to enter into such a contract for a MONTH, much less a lifetime. Cheat? No. Get out? Yes. Accept the above facts and cut everyone's losses by abandoning an untenable scenario which had little rational hope of success. LOYALTY is something which can only exist when the connection is tenable. Staying in a relationship long past it's useful life is NOT loyalty, but a dogged denial of reality in favor of political sociologic whim. Sir Sid

I & my wife have been married 20 yrs. Kids are gone. Just us two in the house. Several weeks ago my wife started going out for "girls nite out" with a divorced female friend of hers. Since then she has completely changed. Staying out to the wee hours of the morning and has started drinking beer frequently. It's obvious she had rather spend time with her friend going to concerts and taking trips than being with me. She says she is going to do what SHE wants to do whether I like it or not. She is completely out of character. She says she's not looking for another man, but just wants to have fun with her friends. However I'm afraid eventually she will meet someone she considers more like she is now. By the way, she is 48. Confronting her only makes her angry and maybe I'm wrong to confront right now but I don't understand what is going on. Our marriage is not near as important to her as her "girls nite out". We are still intimate but she is distant at the same time. Friends are fine but when the "good times" are more important than our marriage I think that's a problem. I need an objective opinion. I don't want to lose my wife but I really don't know what to do. Help!

Find a clock with a second-hand and watch it tick for just a few seconds. That's your LIFE winding down till it stops. The world does not revolve around ONE person! You and you alone must decide what makes you happy and do it! We only get one chance at life and it's up to us what we do with it. Your husband is not going to change because he hasn't LOST anything. You are still there trying to find answers that do not exist. He knows you'll take any treatment he dishes out to you so he has the best of both worlds. Believe me there is someone out there who will treat you with respect & the consideration a woman deserves. It's been said that "the best revenge is living well". Find your strength and give him a dose of his own medicine. Stop letting him "crap" on you or he will only continue. It is not written anywhere that life is fair. Ask yourself this: If at the end of this day you found out it was your last day to live, would you have lived it the same? Well my friend we are all dieing one second at a time. Life is nothing but personal choices we make for ourselves. So choose (while the clock is still ticking): happiness or misery. I wish you happiness. Seger

Anonymous said:

"ladies, PLEASE take this advice from me. i am 40 yrs. old and have been married 4 times. every one of my husbands cheated and now i am going through another divorce because of it. if it is put in front of them, they WILL take it! most women never think their husbands would cheat and they are fools for believing in them. i have had to learn this the hard way. my best advice to anyone who is married, you either have to learn to deal with the fact that at one time or another they are going to be unfaithful or don't bother getting into a relationship at all!!! because of all the problems i have had with men, I WILL NEVER TRUST A MAN AGAIN."

Anonymous, did it ever occur to you that YOU are marrying the WRONG men?? Perhaps your problem is not with men as a whole, but rather your own inability to accurately judge a person's character.

Instead of being so bitter, I would suggest you take a hard look at the decisions YOU made that have resulted in you being a four time divorcee.

There are many, many men out there who never cheat. They are men of character. Do you know how to identify them? I would guess not.

As I said, I would strongly suggest to look hard within yourself to discover why you are attracted to cheaters rather than blaming the entire male gender. Until you do this, you will continue to be let down by realtionships.

Do not forget that humans are the only species on the planet that get married. I believe that the natural way god created us was to live was in the wild. Men are becoming domesticated I believe that women are trying to create in their heads new ways to punish men in the court systems to the favor of themselves. If you disagree with this statement 2/3 the population is women 1/3 is man so we the people on the constituition of the united states means that men could not out votes laws being placed in the system by women lawyers for women. Back to the intercourse subject all men have the urge to have intercourse with everything that walks. Why, you ask in a Lions den in nature there is a male and 5 females and the male is having sex with them all women do not have a problem with this at all. Because some females cannot have children and some can that is why god gave us 2/3 females. Men are also stronger than women this is part of natural selection according to darwins theory. Fast forward to modern day time if a man was commited to 5 woman at once performing sexual acts this is poligamy or bigamy what is agaist the law placed there by females. So it is ok for animals to have sex with as many animals as they can but not humans. If this does not confuse you by now this will be the icing on the cake this could all be taken care of by having all the male species getting vasectomys by the age 13. This would be the cure to the ongoing problems we face with overpopulation of irrational and non logical humans that have no common sense. Men are horny when will women ever learn. Women think men are complicated their not men need lots of sex and variety. Grow up we have only been doing this for 4000 years.

P.S. you also must think that being in love is a good reason to get married without a prenuptual aggrement with you loyal,fidelity driven,principled living partner. I cost 5 dollars to get on the ride and millions to get off. 63 percent of the population are getting divorces for this reason and no other.

Hi thanks for this, I came back to the site a couple of months later to find your comment. You are right I can't stop his talking to people and I try not to treat him casually. We do spend a lot of time together and I'm spending more time at home recently although I still have to work away. I feel for you with your hub spending so much time at work. It is hard when you're at work to think abotu home, not because it is unimportant, but because it is important to you to have that stable base. Work is like a game, not about life, it's entertaining, so your hub will be stimulated and playing the game, and he may be concerned about his job actually but he doesn't want to worry you with it. He just works harder and when he comes home he wants to relax. When I come home, I quite often go on about work, but I know my hub doesn't really want to know, he's too apart from it and it seems unreal and it seems unfair of me to burden him with my petty worries that don't really matter to him, I don't think of it as a connection, I think of it as a hassle that he doesn't need. He probably doesn't know how to tell you that he's only able to work long hours because of the stable home life and consistency that you provide and the love of his family to go back to. my hub and I are getting on better now. I try to be sensitive to his depression but we're still not meeting people. I have forgiven him for the stuff that went on but I don't want any more. I'm hoping we can move on from here, I hope you do too.

I recommend them too. He can tell a lot about the area of your brain that's over or underfunctioning by the kinds of things your mind is doing.

--Lisa

Read the book by Anselm Grun, OSB (an Order of St Benedict priest) on Spirituality as it relates to midlife crisis.

In addition, read the book, Healing the Hardware of the Soul by Daniel Amen, MD. The "hardware" of the soul is "the brain". Something is wrong in the brain, causing dissatisfaction during midlife. Maybe it is fear - regarding an illness or a life-altering event; myabe it is depression from stress (stress becomes anxiety, anxiety becomes depression); maybe it is an imbalance from eating poorly and over-exercising and over-working an older body and brain. Something in the brain needs straightening.

Counseling and therapy and prayer and meditation can work wonders.