- LifeTwo. We're all about midlife.
- Sign up for our newsletter ...
- Listen to a LifeTwo podcast ...
- Learn about midlife crisis ...
- Help someone ...
- ... or visit our homepage for more.
- LifeTwo: the destination for information about midlife.
... Midlife Improvement
Search LifeTwo:
Get Our Newsletter!
Stay up to date on midlife issues -- subscribe to our monthly email newsletter (you can easily unsubscribe later)!
Your LifeTwo
In this area, registered users see recommendations, set bookmarks, and track what their buddies are up to. For more on the benefits of registering, go here.
User login
Things You Can Do On LifeTwo
- Add a comment to an article
- Find things ... or browse
- Join a discussion
- Keep up to date using RSS
- Links and 'Blogroll'
- Register to get even more great features
Subscribe in a Reader:
Use the icon above to subscribe to LifeTwo's Home Page in a reader like My Yahoo or Google Reader (see this page to learn more about RSS and for information on our other feeds). Or if you use one of the following services, just click on its icon:
New On LifeTwo's Homepage
Recent Discussions
Recent Comments
Is My Spouse Cheating Because Of A Midlife Crisis?
The conventional wisdom is that midlife crises usually feature extramarital affairs.
But one may have little to do with the other.
Middle-aged people -- of either gender -- have affairs. But many have nothing to do with the usual midlife crisis. Rather, they are the result of placing low value on the relationship, and poor bonding with one's spouse.
That's the core of an article by Cox News Service's Helena Oliviero, who asks why Halle Berry, Elizabeth Hurley, and Christie Brinkley have all had cheating boyfriends or husbands.
If a marriage doesn't have a lot of "gravity" pulling the spouses together, then any nearby temptation could pull them apart. For men, sexual desire draws them to someone else; women value better emotional ties.
The article also points to a person's role models -- usually their parents -- as an influence. If the parents cheated or seemed to accept infidelity, the lesson their child learned might be that it's not that big a deal. And that could carry over to the child's adult life.
Academic research has found that there is a higher likelihood of sexual infidelity for those with
- "stronger sexual interests (aka "sex drive"),
- more permissive sexual values,
- lower ... satisfaction with their union,
- weaker ... ties to partner,
- and greater sexual opportunities"
... none of which is unique to any particular age. If a spouse's satisfaction with their marriage is low and "something better" comes along, they may cheat ... but -- other things being equal -- they probably would have done the same thing if they were ten years older or younger.
A few people going through the normal process of midlife assessment may face up to their dissatisfaction with their marriage for the first time, and that could prime them for infidelity. But most won't need that midlife assessment period to tell them they are unhappy in their relationship.
"Midlife crisis" has taken the blame for many things -- but midlife affairs shouldn't be one of them. While it's a convenient scapegoat, the real causes of midlife affairs have to do with the two people in the marriage and the nature of their relationship. That's an uncomfortable, but more honest, explanation.
---
Addendum: How common is cheating?
There is disagreement over just how many middle aged people cheat on their spouses. Oliviera reports that
Most studies suggest almost half of husbands cheat at some point in their marriage. Women are less likely to be unfaithful, according to some surveys. But researchers admit they're really not sure about that -- since they've also found women are better at concealing affairs and are less likely to own up to them.
But it may be that younger adults cheat more often. We've seen reports that suggest that cheating is far less widespread among the middle aged:
... (the University of Wisconsin's Dr. Larry) Bumpass's research demonstrates quite clearly that the risk of divorce actually declines the longer people are married. Another study, conducted at the New England Research Institute in Watertown, Massachusetts, by John B. McKinlay, Ph.D., a psychologist at the institute, showed that only 2 percent of over 1,700 middle age and older men surveyed reported having more than one current sexual partner, a far lower rate than the stereotypes would have us believe.
The stats aren't directly comparable -- one covers cheating over an entire marriage, and the 2% figure is at a point in time. But the latter does indicate that the "50% of men cheat at some point" number is too high.
---
* we've discussed elsewhere on this site that there is no one-size-fits-all "midlife crisis" ... there are at least four distinct types. For convenience we'll use the phrase.
Read Similar LifeTwo Stories:
- My Spouse is Cheating; Infidelity stories and advice
- New Infidelity Book Looks At Cheating Around The World
- Survey Finds -- Not Surprisingly -- Cheating is Leading Cause of Divorce
- That Good Looking Guy or Girl Might Be "Honey Trapping"
- What we know about middle age divorce
- The (Not) Inevitable Midlife Crisis
- Infidelity: Why one bird species cheats on their mates and what happens if they are caught
- Midlife Marriage: What About The Houses?
Find More By Clicking On These Links:
Topic: Midlife Crisis | Relationships
Tags: midlife crisis - man / male | midlife crisis - woman / female | middle age | infidelity | divorce
Tags: midlife crisis - man / male | midlife crisis - woman / female | middle age | infidelity | divorce
Actions »
my husband
well my husband is going through a mid life crisis, and i dont know how to deal with it, his sex drive is low and when he does get hard its not all the way. i dont know if he is having an affair he leaves not all the time but with no change of clothes, so what do i do, i have asked him and he has told me no. im sorry i dont believe him what do i do whats my next step. please help me k.
my husband
well my husband is going through a mid life crisis, and i dont know how to deal with it, his sex drive is low and when he does get hard its not all the way. i dont know if he is having an affair he leaves not all the time but with no change of clothes, so what do i do, i have asked him and he has told me no. im sorry i dont believe him what do i do whats my next step. please help me k.
Hire a private investigator
Hire a private investigator using funds your husband will not notice are missing. That's what I did and lo and behold, my husband was indeed cheating on me. We are now in the process of getting divorced. If you're worried he's being unfaithful, it's likely that he is in fact cheating on you. It's your subconcious mind telling you something isn't right. Make sure you don't tip him off that you're suspicious. You have to play it cool so that he doesn't get more careful in covering his tracks. Be prepared for the truth. When I finally found out the truth, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Good luck.
It is 100% natural
Just because he is having sex with another woman doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It is 100% natural for men to want to "spread their seed", and after a lifetime of being told that it is bad most men realize that they have been lied to. That can cause a lot of anger and depression.
Remember, he is just doing what is natural, and our society has to get away from the view that natural is bad, and move towards the view that natural is normal.
to natural person
Your commentary is pretty sad. Men should indulge in unrestrained sexual affairs because it's natural. Isn't that how dogs do it?
I guess loyalty, fidelity, principled living are unnatural. You're either a woman with low self estaeem or a guy who has concocted this theory to justify running around. Saddlt, your's is one of the many rationales people come up with to betray their spouses. The "I can;t help myself" line.
Midlife Crisis
There's a great story on the web (and on paperback now too i think) about this stuff... kind of makes you think a lot about what does and does not matter, although a little depressing a very good story. It did make me view my husband's crisis a little differently... because i knew the right things to ask finally. "Requiem for a midlife crisis" by Phoenix Michaels. Wow, I thought, there's someone way worse off than me!
Cindy
for better understanding
Dear ALL
varied psychological research shows that sexual fidelity, love, emotion, and heartful loyalty are not all necessarily representative of a single phenomenon people tend to call "marriage".
Marriage is a union, a partnership - unlimited partnership that is - of two people whose intentions at the point of marriage were to SUPPORT EACH OTHER. That means, each party to this union, of their own volition, had a UNILATERAL intention to do maximum in their power to support the other party, irrespective of how that other party might see things.
This is what the older generations referred to as LOYALTY.
These people did it in hope that they are going to be embraced and taken care of. IN HOPE, not by premise of rational calculations.
This is where the emotional part comes to the picture.
And all components we just mentioned had an add-on of sexual relationship. However passionate it might have been, it often turns into the underlying basis for hope and emotions, but is still a separate thing... a kind of trigger - one of many possible triggers.
SO, my dear students, now we ask ourselves - has LOYALTY been the underlying basis for your particular marriage, are you certain you entered into the partnership in HOPE, or has it been a rationally calculated sex driven projection?!?!
Note: by "rationally calculated" i mean a kind of logic that goes "i deserve this and that because i have such and such traits... i trade my traits to get what i deserve".
One then recognises that a LOYALTY and HOPE - based marriage has no boundaries. It only has upside, irrespective of what happens in terms of sex, money, property - any and all your material posessions - as this union's premise is independent of those, it is stimulating and aims to bring out the best of the people.
Rationally calculated marriage has only static stability - once any of the underlying calculation factors go unbalanced, the union breaks. Note here, that perception of balance is highly specific to individual reasoning - no two people have identical perception of these things unless they communicate openly and very-very closely (which is unlikely in calculated relationships as their premise suggests)
Certainly, one might argue that people try to achieve the HOPE and LOYALTY state via initially entering into calculated projections stuff - but as underlying premises are so different, in trying to bridge these, one would expect people to be "calculating" to learn to forgive, learn to give away without looking back, learn to get rid of their calculating mentality per se in order to turn truly hopeful and loyal... instead people usually feed their egos, often fueled by their fears of unfair retribution (i.e. being given in return something that doesn't match their perception of fair trade practices between men and women).
And then you ask why people seek relationships outside?!?! You run arguements on how unemployed housewives can best hurt their hubbies since they find hubbies screwing someone after work or maybe at work?!... the other side then has hubbies looking to get different women to live with them after they succeed in securing their property from division at divorce???
WHY not look at your "fair trade" crap first ! There can be no fair trade because you don't want to be trading your LIVES !!
You want your lives to be filled with HOPE !!!
You want LOYALTY in your lives!!
Admit it bluntly and stop hiding from yourselves!
your own egos and pride are the root of all your troubles. and the problem is systemic because things that surround us all target further feeding of egos, soaring pride, and lack of understanding.
the one thing you can do for your relationship - is find a way to engage your "other half" into a discussion for HOPE and LOYALTY. if you believe they're not ready, you need to think of steps that could help lead the preparation... be that education, or travel together, or even studying together! ENGAGE!!
you do have to QUIT TRADING your life... and prevent others from doing so, no matter how great a seduction you face.
kindly - AIB
reply to dear all
thank you....your words helped :)
Most Men Cheat!
ladies, PLEASE take this advice from me. i am 40 yrs. old and have been married 4 times. every one of my husbands cheated and now i am going through another divorce because of it. if it is put in front of them, they WILL take it! most women never think their husbands would cheat and they are fools for believing in them. i have had to learn this the hard way. my best advice to anyone who is married, you either have to learn to deal with the fact that at one time or another they are going to be unfaithful or don't bother getting into a relationship at all!!! because of all the problems i have had with men, I WILL NEVER TRUST A MAN AGAIN.
That's your perception.
I went over the jealousy issue a long time ago when I was a young married person, and decided that it didn't matter if I were the most beautiful, accomplished woman in the world--if he wanted to cheat, he was going to. Therefore, why worry. Why not just place my trust in him and if that trust got shattered, so be it. I mean, Bill cheated on Hillary. My BIL cheated on my sister. My husband's boss had an office affair. My husband works with smart young women. I had no defense. He's all right and so am I. We are loyal. I complain a lot about him, but I got over my yearning to find a lover. I think it must be that one of the themes of your life has to do with betrayal. I think, for me it would really be pretty simple. I told him if he falls in love with anyone, just tell me for Gosh sake and I'll let him go.
Post new comment