What Is A "Midlife Crisis?"

I just turned 50, about 9 months ago a dear friend and staff member of my group at the office has lost his child at the age of 2 years old. I was with this person through out the whole deal from the start of the operations to the day she has past away. I did see this little girl body in the abmbulance and I knew she has passed away, her body in still positions no movements, nothing. How did my crisis start I do not know, was it the death of a child that has made me think or re-thing my life, questioning all the problems I have been having or unresolved issues in my marriage and family. Questioning routines, and what I would like to change in my life. Was the sex routine to much every 3 months only. Why is it so much apart, is this normal the same person always making the same moves or initate the love relations all the time but left disappointed. At this point I do not know where to go or where to turn as it is very confusing for me and now is affecting my wife where she has also been questioning certain elements of our relationship which for me its good. Since this problem we have been making love like we have never done before the passion the love making, just blows our expectations, over 24 years of being together never has this been so great, but its not only the sex thing its more then that, I as a man am drain of making these efforts and have been for the last 5 years, not wanting to make these efforts any more. Yes I have thought of having an out side relationship to fill in the emptyness, but what will it do, will it improve I don't think so but who knows at this point. Right now dealing it day by day trying to look for answers through documents like this one, and being hopefull in finding answers but down the end of this I know I will need and expert to help me out. This is my side of the story of course there is more to it then this but its a begining I would think. thank you for leaving this site open for comments.

My Husband of 11 yrs recently let me know that he has no clue what he wants. He says he is unhappy its not you its me. After I here that I think hes cheating on me. We discussed this and I found out he is not cheating. He just started a new job and I will be starting a new one too. We have to move to another part of NY. But he wants to be separated. Breaks my heart especially when we have three beautiful boys (12, 10 and 2). I love him so much and I know he loves me too. What can I do to help him with this situation? Is it mid-life crisis or something else? Will he come back if we separate? He told me he has 10 things going through his head. Right now he is staying with some mutual friends and he says when hes there he wants to be here then when hes here he wants to be there. What is going on? I am so lost. Can some one help? I don't want to be separated or divorced! I love him to much and he is a wonderful person. HELP!!!!!!!

Lost in Ballston Spa

Hiya and welcome - well firstly it sounds as though he culd be slipping into MLC but MLC is an umbrella term for so many relationship issues - maybe his new job has woken him from his slumber i dont know - what was his previous job/lifestyle? One thing you will learn from these boards is you cant help him you can only help yourself. Will he come back? Only he knows - will it end in divorce? Who knows there are no immediate answers. You said youve discussed "cheating" well even if he is he would not admit this to you as he knows it would hurt you - one thing i have learnt is that people starting with this or going through this do tell "lies" they use deflection and they blame to justify what they are doing - i am not saying this is your situation but be reay for anything - in the meantime concentrate on your wellbeing - i know you dont want to be separaed from teh person you love but alas it happens all too often without logic - just be there, try not to question or corner him as he may react by running further - hopefully it will pan out in your favour but as i say MLC if it is can and does cause chaos - good luck

Regards Stu UK

He constantly comments on how unattractive -how much weight he's gained - his skin when it breaks out - our lack of sex - repeadily i tell him he's the stars moon and sun and how incredibly hot i find him - we don't fool around that often maybe once a week at my initiation but a forty myself i'm ok with that - i am so tired of having to reassure him and defend myself (I'm f***ing anything that comes around) - i'm lonely and defeated having to deal with this nightmare - he tells me he knows he could f*** some of our friends wives and some stranger hit on him then turns when i get home from running errands with our daughter and accuses me of cheating - i'm at my wits end - i love this man too much but all the praise i give doesn't work and i'm tired of the abuse - thinking of going to a doc and getting on meds at this point - please help

I'm a 56 yrs old man who has been retired about 5 yrs. My wife and I sold our home of 22 yrs. and moved to the country about 2 yrs ago to enjoy the rest of our lives. About 6 months ago I started having panic attacks that keep getting worse. I feel the best part of my life is over and I'm just waiting to die. In my mind there is nothing left but disease and death of either me or my wife. I don't sleep very well and my mind just races every waking minute. I often break down over this stress. I started prozac 3 weeks ago, but it doesn't seem to help yet. I can't afford health insurance so I can't talk to a therapist. Due to the economy, we both have found jobs but still no health insurance. I'm afraid if this keeps up my wife will get tired of this and leave me, although she says she will be there for me. Can anyone PLEASE HELP.

You can learn to control them, I did. I may only be 40 but I had a MLC at about 37 after being injured and working a stressful job prior to that for 7 years. I now don't have panic attacks or bad anxiety, slight occasional anxiety yes, but normal. One of the best websites I found through all of my year and a half of suffering was anxietycentre.com yes it's spelled right. If you apply what you learn (cognitive behavior and thinking) through the website you can get comfortable in your mind again. Live for today, not for the unknown. Dr's are going to try SSRI's and Anti Anxiety medications because they don't have time to treat people, and people don't want to do the work.

This is my first time on this site, because I to think my husband is having a mlc. But the difference I noticed about what you put down is....My husband has always been that way, We've been to doctors and such and the one thing they told me over and over again is,,," he doesn't like himself".."He is dealing with security issues" so on and so forth. Its draining I know, but try not giving him the satisfaction of watching you squirm. When he ask you a question of what took you so long, say I don't know, there is the reciept. When he says your looking at the guy across the park, tell ..Oh really I didn't take notice, My point is don't let him know its driving you crazy, he will feed on it. And another thing, keep in mind the one who accuses is the doer.

I think my husband is having a MLC and I really don't know what to do. First of all we live in two different states and don't see eachother too often. Maybe once/twice a month if lucky or go on family trips. He is a military soldier and we have two children ages 13 and 6. He lost his mom about two years ago and before that we had issues with trust because he never lets me use his cell phone and we had problems with him in the internet chatrooms. Now we have been having these added issues with him being hooked on facebook, in the gym, on a health kick, constanly buying clothes to look good, doing dye treatments to his hair, getting mani's and pedi's, not wanting to have sex or into it, taking pictures of himself in the mirror and posting them on facebook and waiting on comments from females, etc. Just to name a few. I think it may be midlife crisis along with maybe cheating and hope to God that is not the case. I think I am losing my mind because we constantly argue and everything is my fault. He gets angry at any and everything and calls me a nag. Okay, what do I do?

I know how u feel about the abuse....i've been married for 26 yrs now and that the beginning of any relationship is always good and being happy.. being in love and having kids,great job, and having friends over for bbq's... there i was about 2/3 yrs ago i had a great job and bought a house,had no complaints on anything having money.everything was great! then all of the sudden my husband's mother past away the same yr that we bought the house. I was working very hard on my job and learning everything i could so i can get higher into the company. then after about 4 to 5 months past my husband started accusing me of having an affair! just because i was staying later at work to learn more about everything that had to do with my job.. even when i would call him to let him know that i would be late he would just start calling me names so it was just getting worse for me every day that i tried to push the name calling aside just keep working.after awhile i had enough of all the stress of my husband and losing weight that i ended my career! I thought that i could just find another job and things would get better but things kept going and going and going...I did come close to get a divorce. after i quit my job and have'nt found one yet but many interviews ...things have been hard to deal with in our relationship because i blame for all the crap that has happened to us. he does know that it was his fault! we lost our house at that time but things beatween us will never be the same.I don't have sex anymore because of the abuse of the name calling that i can't bring myself to even want him to touch me! i do think that men feel that they can't please there wife anymore because of there self-asteem specially if there over weight and drink alot of beer... u have 3 kids to keep u busy! i have my family and most of all"god" sometimes when u don't have time for them they do get jeaulous... sorry that don't have the right answer but mens are mens"....

It's been over a year since you posted your story. How are you doing now? I am a female who is is about to turn 53. I am anxious, depressed, and miserable. I feel so alone and unimportant. I wonder just what my purpose is in life. I, too, feel like you do about my life being over and just waiting to die. This is no way to live. I can barely function most days. I just have no motivation to do anything, just the basics, eat, take meds., take shower, and not much else. I teach school Sept. thru early June and am usually okay with being alone in the summer. But this summer, I am miserable and hate being at home. I am a bit of a recluse so have few friends and am usually fine with my lifestyle. But I just can't do any of the things I normally do in the summer, like major house cleaning and organizing. I usually am an avid reader but have read only 2 books all summer. I just can't focus. Help! I need advice.

he is a weak man and doesn't know what he wants - yes he is cheating on you...perhaps not physically but mentally - he wants to be free and do what he pleases whenever he feels like - just leave him alone, he will come to his senses soon enough and will be back in your arms. Good luck

Well, Anonymous:

Most of the above statements could have been said by myself. The difference for me is this: The one thing I have wanted more than everything in this life is the one thing I have not been able to accomplish, that being with a mate in a working and workable relationship. The loneliness makes my summer as a teacher much like yours, primarily empty.

Like you seem to be, I am a bit of a mole and don't get out a whole lot. Online dating has proven to be less than effective, shall we say. It seems that between each member's desires/fantasies there is little room for actually giving each other a chance. Whether this is a result of changing patterns of behavior or the result of the onset of a stifling and debilitating age-related stubbornness or simply a likewise damaging lack of patience with all the "poop" we have had to put up with over a lifetime, I don't know.

I don't know. I have no advice for anyone who is enjoying these lovely tortures. I can only say that you are not alone with your blues.

Gar

51 yr old hispanic female and husband 57 yrs of age married 8 yrs husband is dibetic Type 2 insulin dependant x 4 . between the hours of 4-7am my husband at times goes into Lo Levels of insulin therefore i have to give his orange juice or glucose gel or hit him with the Glucogon injection. Early one morning 2 am husband turned over in bed toward me and began to curse at me. i then knew to check his levels by pricking his finger at that time he got angrier and began curseing more, with that in mind he chased me towards the frount door son in law had to hold him down so i could hit him with the injection, till paramedics arrived. belive me that all in itself scared me so bad that i feared for my life.,i bacame afraid of him what triggered this anger in my husband ,.the following week while it was nite time i sat up in bed or on my computer turned arround a took a look at my whole life what am i doing here .I SAID TO MYSLEF : AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE IM NOT HAPPY WITH WHERE IM AT FEELING OF ANXIETY . quit my job as Certifed Dental Ast. to take care of husband and dispointed sleep all day dont want to get out of bed just to pick up grandkids from school told my husband how i feel HELP ME. HELP ME PLSE IS THIS HOW I SHOUCD FEEL WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME.

first let me say that YOU ARE AWESOME for analyzing your situation like that, if you identify the source of the problem you can fix the problem. but if you ignore the source you let the problem get bigger. i would trade anything to have my dad see things the way you do. its great that you know when to get help. i had to just learn when i had to get help too. Denial only makes things worse. the psychology in our brain is not something we can control. the best thing we can do is identify when there is a faulty way of reasoning in our daily thinking processes. we are not stronger then our biological chemistry as much as we think we are..

my dad is having a mid life crisis, he is turning 48 in 4 days, he is always mad he turned into a huge alcoholic bigger than he was before, says he quit cigarettes but we find him trying to hide smoking a couple a day, plus he replaced it with hookah smoking a mass amount. i try to smoke with him so he doesnt have to smoke it all himself cuz he goes on a binge for hours! but i know its damaging my health, my voice is getting hoarse, i cough up nasty phlegm and it makes it harder to breath sometimes. i can only imagine what its doing to his health! He just got diagnosed with cervical ridiculopathy, and he is at a loss. for some reason he wants to have a three some is what my mom tells me. i feel like im watching him damage our family more and more. I suffer from Boderline personality disorder and its hard for me to be happy all the time, he just keeps adding more stress to my already stressful outlook on life. i dont know what to do or how to help him. he always denies that he is doing something wrong. he has that "im the man of the house i know best" perspective on life. also he is not formally college educated, and im trying to show him ways in which he can change and better himself for his families sake but he seems blind to the fact that he is causing us discomfort.

Go to a third world country and HELP OTHERS who are daily facing life and death situations. That will put purpose back into your life and you will feel like your life is worth living and it will give you joy! Find God!

...and that is dark, cold, lonesome, lost.

A lag of energy, determination, direction and motivation.

No hope, no dreams, no path in site to get away, to get out of it.

I like to get back to light, a youthful thinking and positive future and I cannot. So I started writing about myself - that helps me. (http://midlifecrisisisreal.blogspot.com/)

I am 36, female and am married to a great man, wonderful father and provider. We have been together 17 yrs. and married 11 yrs. We have 2 kids, 6 and 9. For the past several years, I have been feeling restless and feeling like I haven't had many experiences on the dating scene, because my husband was it!! I know I made a commitment to marriage but was unaware of the feelings that would come my way in the following years. He works long hrs. and I am always at home feeling like a single mother. With all this alone time and the repititious nature of my lifestyle, I am getting bored and am not feeling like I am in love anymore. It's the classice case of "I love you but am not in love with you" and "it's not you its me." I keep trying to tell myself that I have a lot to be thankful for and not to let my mind wander because I know the grass isn't any greener on the other side but I feel like I need a huge change or I might end up leaving him. Is this typical for my age?? what do people do in this situation besides going to counciling?? "on the fence"