The Surge in Midlife Divorce

As a thrice-divorced woman, I am part of the statistical base. I divorced at 24, 33 and 47. (O.K. I'm a slow learner.) For me, it took that long to understand what my true issues were and that deciding to marry was a way of not looking at the problems within myself. Once I fixed me instead of trying to fix everyone else, I finally got it right. At 49, I met the man I am now -- happily -- married to. And, yes, I can see spending the next 40-50 years of my life with him!
Casey Dawes
www.wisewomanshining.com

Have any studies ever been conducted comparing the surge in mid-life divorce to: 1. the rise in no-fault divorce laws across our country? 2. prevalence of websites like Match.com?

My husband, Peter, now the president and CEO of a large Canadian company, walked away from our 21-year marriage to marry a woman that he met online. I tried valiantly to save our marriage, begging my husband to go through meaningful counseling with me but Washington State divorce laws allowed him to walk away with minimal financial pain.

In contrast, after supporting my husband’s career during his stellar climb up the corporate ladder as his stay-at-home wife and mother to our children with no formal job training, I was granted just four years of alimony after which time I will be expected to make my way in the world. As I sit here tonight very much alone and seriously in debt acquired while trying to earn a teaching credential, I can't help but wonder if our marriage would have survived had my husband’s infidelity and the drastic difference in our earning capacity been taken into account in a court of law?

Michelle Vinall

I think we're in a day when enough is "not enough." We're being condition to clamor for more, the next best thing bells and whistles. The latest cell phone, a wider screen tv, a boob job, etc. My wife cited all material things as the reason she was leaving our marriage. At the time we lived in a $800,000 house! Received 11 offers when we put it on the market and sold it for $20,000 above asking. It blew up when I wanted to budget money rather than taking out an equity loan to remodel the bathroom. Go figure. The same year we go on a vacation and she rents an SUV to drive 300 miles to a beach house we rented. The thing was parked for a week yet we paid $600 for the rental. She pouted for two years and refused to talk out our issues. Plain refused. Meanwhile she wakes up at night with the alibi that she is working. She was really contacting men on the internet and then calling them on her cell phone. Later whe went to match.com as a married woman looking for erotic sex. I don't blame internt sites. My wife had issues. The internet does, however, make it so easy for people to retreat and find a type of sick release. My wife was able to find people who were as messed up as she was. She didn't have to be responsible to the marriage because, in a sense, she had already divorced me and remarried strangers in cyberspace. It's sick on many levels, especially the lying. She posted on match.com that she was athletic and worked out 3 days a week. A lie. She also wore an outfit that girdled her mid-section and pushed up her boobs to Dolly Partonish proportions. She's really about 30 pounds overweight.

But her logic was: "Why work constructively with my husband on our marriage when I can just tap a keyboard and troll for men the sewer for my man." Sadly, I think there are tons of people like her. Much easier to "escape" into an imagined utopia with Mr./Ms. Wonderful and not deal with the real world. Talk dirty, create fantasies and feel the thrill of secrecy. This is a woman who is co-chairman of the Christian Education Committee at her church. Yes, we did divorce. After a tough year it is shaping up to be a good development in my life. I've also adjusted and feel pretty healthy about moving on. I just think first marriages are very tough in these times. There are too many unhealthy variables, many more than before, pulling people away from a contented lifestyole with integrity. I think the best chances for a good marriage, for some people, is the second time around. You've grown and you've also developed a sixth sense about your mate. I'm sorry about your sitauion and wish you well.

Don't blame your divorce/wife's behavior on the need for material things, the internet or any other thing outside of the both of you. The simple and plain truth is that you married a woman who has mental problems. If it hadn't been the internet, it would have been something else, believe me. All behaviors stem from what's going on inside our heads. They are not caused by material objects. Anyone who has his or her head screwed on straight is not going to do what your wife did, no matter what's going on in society. But, it's just easier for you to avoid placing the blame squarely on her shoulders. My advice: choose much more wisely the next time around.