Are Male and Female Midlife Crises Different?

The one desire I had for my life is impossible now. My deepest desire, ever since I was old enough to talk, was to be a professional pilot (not necessarily airline). I'm too old now and have "depression" on my medical records. I'd never get past an FAA medical exam.

I knew that dream permanently died in the early 90's when I first admitted to an MD that I was depressed and thinking of self-harm. Even pre-9/11, that was the "kiss of death" for a potential pilot. When I lost that dream, nothing ever took its place. I tried to stay in aviation and eventually got dumped out of there, too.

Due to all the ACoA stuff I carry, I've been on a self-sabotage mission since I was in grade school. I've only come to that conclusion after a lot of reading and soul-searching. I learned my lessons of childhood very well.

I've been so crushed for so long that I can't even find my "fire" anymore. When I ask myself what I want/wanted out of life, I can't come up with anything. It's just a blank...It's like asking a dog to come up with nuclear fusion. All I feel is despair and depression...It makes me want to curl up in a corner and cry.

One of many reasons I want to get into therapy. I need answers, but I don't even know what questions to ask. I've asked myself what I would do if I could do anything I wanted to with the rest of my life, and I don't have an answer. I don't know.

...because what many people regards as a male midlife crisis, is regarded by we middle-aged men as no crisis at all but as the time has arrived when, (relatively) secure in our jobs having worked hard and long to advance this far, having saved and invested money for everything from the family home through the family health insurance to the family schooling funds, and having driven for years first in cheap bangers then in staid family wagons, we finally no longer have to defer all gratifications and we can buy some of the toys and indulge in some of the behaviours that we have quietly been savouring in anticipation.

We're not talking about dump-the-wife-and-remarry-the-bimbo behaviour; that is dishonorable and not a question of no longer deferring gratification but rather a question of greed and appetite. We're talking about having at middle age what you have not felt comfortable to prioritize earlier.

They don't stop and it's not a one time thing and we should learn from the positive and negative, both. Out of every negative, comes a positive to paraphrase W. Clement Stone, and that's precisely how we need to view each step in this world of lifelong long learning and as a serious student of life. I don't know where I'd be without the Bible, Think and Grow Rich,et al., Success Through a Positive Mental Attitude, Psychology of Winning (along w/Denis Waitley's other works), The Greatest Salesman I and II (The Whole Series of Og Mandino's books; Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People, amongst his other works; Zig Ziglar's See You at the Top; Wallace Wattles' Science of Getting Rich; Stephen Covey's 7 Highly Habits of Effective People (First Things First); Brian Tracy's Maximum Achievement and some of his other works; John Maxwell's Today Matters plus some of his other books and Ken Blanchard's books, amongst others similar to these have been of great help to each of my midlife crisis. Now that I'm in my 50s and going through another one, I'd don't know what I'd do without my library and making it a point to read, study and apply all of it. There are those of us out there whom totally agree, not only with anonymous, but also you, Greg, nothing is worse than being or having a label put on you and these generalities that come with it. Each of us are unique and that's how God created us. God also gave each of us a free will and is also there to help us on the pathway that is set before us by life. Hope this all is helpful to others.

I think some male MLC is triggered by such realizations as you have gone about as far as you are going to in your life, the decisions you made as a young man are now coming home to you as restrictions you placed on yourself back then, etc. Anon may think it's a transition, but in many of our lives, it's a full fledged crisis on a par with a "personal 9/11."

Lots of people like to talk about how "50 is the new 40," and How wonderful it is to start a new career at midlife." Well, it appears to me that society doesn't agree with them. Age discrimination is rampant and many of us are not entreprenureal enough to survive today's cutthroat business environment. Men have also borne the brunt of the layoffs and investment destruction of the last few years. Even if we were of the spirit to try, we don't have the resources to become our own boss and succeed. Many of us worked hard in the hope that we might have a few toys or just that we might have a safe, comfortable retirement. Now, all hope of that is gone. We followed society's carrot, worked hard, kept our noses clean...and got the stick right across our heads at the end of the road. Where's the carrot? Gone. Irretrievably gone. We feel as if we have been lied to, made fools of. No wonder suicides spike in men after the mid-40's. We can't even face ourselves, much less our wives.

I find myself haunted by the legacy of decisions I made in my younger days that have left me in an unenviable position. Lost chances, missed opportunities and the paths not taken loom large in my thoughts. I question everything in my life from my choice of wife, my career, my education, etc. What to do now? Doing nothing is not an option. How do men in their 50's coping with MLC and diminished resources find what they need to keep going?

"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)

It looks to me like you had ideas of what it would look like if you did what you set out to do. You'd be sitting pretty on the outside.

What if, even if you had gotten those things--the home in the mountains with a view, a cadillac, a knockout wife, another home in the Bahamas...you'd still be having your crisis, maybe.

I think what we find to keep us going is the fire within ourselves, and the meaning we couldn't undrstand before, but can now because a. we're more intelligent and b. we have no choice, we're stuck where we're at.

just a thought.

What you describe as a male MLC - "we finally no longer have to defer all gratifications and we can buy some of the toys and indulge in some of the behaviours that we have quietly been savouring in anticipation." is a midlife transition not a crisis.

A male crisis and a female crisis are actually very similar although from what I have read, it seems the woman is more likely to want to return to the marriage once the crisis is beginning to wane.

I disagree with the article's apparent contention that women are more introspective than men, and that men aren't thrown into MLCs by relationship issues, life changes, reflection, etc. That's exactly what triggered mine.

There are many introspective men out here. Yes, career chages, unemployment, etc. can figure into male MLC. It's not the whole story, though.

"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)