First person real-time account of a male midlife crisis

I need help. My husband of 23 yrs has told me he wants to have sex with someone else. He doesn't want to leave me or our home he just wants his cake and eat it too. He had been suffering from depression and was put on meds 6 month ago, then he stopped taking them saying he didn't want to take them for the rest of his life. Now he says that I no longer can give him what he needs and he needs to go elsewhere to fill the void. He also said there is nothing I can do to change how he feels. I told him I know I can't stop him but I wanted to let him know that I do love him and will keep trying to save our marriage until he decides to bed someone else. He feels I should understand his needs. He father also did this and his parents never got back together, his brother inlaw did it and his wife kicked him out for 6mo. Then he came back saying he was wrong, but the woman he cheated with ruined his credit. I have lost 14lbs, I'm depressed, and have no one to talk to that understands. Please Help Me!!!!!

Very sorry to hear about this and the effect it is having on you. The first thing you need to do is to separate your husband's mental state from yours as much as you can. Your husband has been diagnosed as depressed, on meds, and now is heading down a dangerous and self-destructive path. He needs help and his problems could last a very long time. You do not want your own health tied to his. This means: 1) Tapping your own personal support network. You stated that you have no one to talk to. You might be surprised how much friends and family are ready to help when asked. 2) Expend your support network. Consider counseling (ideally with your husband but if he won't go then go yourself). This can be a professional therapist or support services in your community or perhaps church. 3) Try your best to eat properly, get enough sleep and get exercise. I know that these are probably the furthest things from your mind but you must do your best.

One other thing for your husband (and you) to be aware, STDs are a very real threat for people in middle age and this age group is the seeing the largest percentage increases of any age group tracked by the CDC. If he strays, it's not just trust that he is harming, he's also putting your physical health at risk.

You should also read the posts in this discussion forum on husband's MLC and read all relevant posts in our Midlife Crisis Section.

Good luck and keep posting.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

I'm a husband of 16 yrs, 47 years old. I haven't wanted to sleep with someone else, but men do thrive on variety. I would suggest reinventing yourself to some degree: New hairstyle, new colors in your clothes, new hobbies, new friends, new books, new interests, etc. I know at 16 years of marriage, I want my wife and I to re-invent ourselves...do something different. I think that females tend to resist change for the purpose of comfort and security while the man becomes bored with the same old same old. I also believe that men will have feelings of life closing in on them...and to pine away at what we may be missing. There is also the feeling of losing our sexual potence. I would submit this: become a new girlfriend to your husband....take him on an adventure. Also, women typically don't get this....but it's sexy to a man when a woman gets interested in their recreational pursuits...ride along while he is playing golf...help out with a home project....get interested in what he is doing for a change...

good luck with your man

I don't know what to do I am at my wits end. My partner of 26 years is going through what I and mutual friends think is a mid life crisis. He is completely on a course of self destruct except it has had more of an effect on me than him. This has been going on for 18 months now and during this time I was diagnosed with breast cancer and he totally rejected me. I went through all the treatment alone. He says he is not good enough for me and that he wants to live on his own.He cannot see beyond his own needs in every aspect of his life. He is insisting that we sell our beautiful home and because my business which I have worked very hard for is tied up with this I have lost this as well. My daughter says she feels he will eventually come to his senses but he is insistent on splitting up and hell bent on destroying every part of our shared life. He says I am the strong one and can cope but I am exhuasted in trying different ways to get past this but we are living in the same house because he wont leave, I am trying to be kind and supportive towards him but I really need his support. I am due to find out whether the cancer treatment has worked next week but he doesn't want to know. I can't believe this is the same person I have spent the last 26 years with, it feels like I am living with a very unkind stranger. How can I ever get over this?

My husband of 25 years recently was contacted by his first love with whom he had a short relationship with before we met.He was 20 or 21 then. He is almost 50 now. They spoke on the phone or texted for 5 weeks. He has now slept with her (he has never been unfaithful before this) and now wants to leave me and our 12 year old son. She lives out of state and he plans to move her out here. She is on her 4th marriage and says that the reason she has been unsuccessful marriage is that there was no man that could fill his shoes. He is so angry with me for all my shortcomings (of which there are many). My questions: Is this midlife crisis or true love? How successful are these kinds of relationships? Do I have a chance that he will come back to me?

Might be some MLC here, but your writing seems to leads hint at other more fundamental marital problems.

My bet is that his love will become a 5 time loser. "No man can fill his shoes"? He told you she said that? And he believes it? Then they might be a match! There is always a chance he'll come back to - and maybe not for noble reasons.

Please seek some family support / counseling, and then legal help to keep your 12 year old's best interests. Protect yourself. I'll say a prayer for you.