First person real-time account of a male midlife crisis

I need help. My husband of 23 yrs has told me he wants to have sex with someone else. He doesn't want to leave me or our home he just wants his cake and eat it too. He had been suffering from depression and was put on meds 6 month ago, then he stopped taking them saying he didn't want to take them for the rest of his life. Now he says that I no longer can give him what he needs and he needs to go elsewhere to fill the void. He also said there is nothing I can do to change how he feels. I told him I know I can't stop him but I wanted to let him know that I do love him and will keep trying to save our marriage until he decides to bed someone else. He feels I should understand his needs. He father also did this and his parents never got back together, his brother inlaw did it and his wife kicked him out for 6mo. Then he came back saying he was wrong, but the woman he cheated with ruined his credit. I have lost 14lbs, I'm depressed, and have no one to talk to that understands. Please Help Me!!!!!

Very sorry to hear about this and the effect it is having on you. The first thing you need to do is to separate your husband's mental state from yours as much as you can. Your husband has been diagnosed as depressed, on meds, and now is heading down a dangerous and self-destructive path. He needs help and his problems could last a very long time. You do not want your own health tied to his. This means: 1) Tapping your own personal support network. You stated that you have no one to talk to. You might be surprised how much friends and family are ready to help when asked. 2) Expend your support network. Consider counseling (ideally with your husband but if he won't go then go yourself). This can be a professional therapist or support services in your community or perhaps church. 3) Try your best to eat properly, get enough sleep and get exercise. I know that these are probably the furthest things from your mind but you must do your best.

One other thing for your husband (and you) to be aware, STDs are a very real threat for people in middle age and this age group is the seeing the largest percentage increases of any age group tracked by the CDC. If he strays, it's not just trust that he is harming, he's also putting your physical health at risk.

You should also read the posts in this discussion forum on husband's MLC and read all relevant posts in our Midlife Crisis Section.

Good luck and keep posting.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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