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"I love you, but I'm not in love with you"
Heard this one in the latest counseling session. Not that it was entirely unexpected, but those words still carried quite a whallop. Combined with her response to the number of times she'd like to have sex each month - zero, and it's clear she doesn't have an interest in me as a husband right now.
We've finally started doing some of the recommended things such as going on dates and she even remains willing to have sex, although just for me and clearly isn't into it.
But she still hasn't talked to the best friend who brought my attention to our marriage problems two months ago and still seems infatuated by her 10 years younger "new best friend" who stays over most Saturday nights.
Her sexual problems run deep and have always been there, so that's nothing new and I'm not really worried about infidelity for that same reason. But I think she's all into the friendship like it's dating (and without the pressure of sex)and loving the excitement that goes with finding out about someone new and all of that dating early stage romanticism.
I think that has caused her to see our relationship of more than 20 years as stale and not exciting enough.
The counselor told her she thinks midlife reassessment is at play here and she seems receptive hearing it from someone else (her two former best friends of 20+ years and her husband weren't enough).
Aside from the awful "not in love with you line," things seem positive and she's been more attentive and caring, as if she senses the problem just might be with her and not all about something I did to cause her to be that way.
Wish me luck as I try to do what looks like it amounts to beating the odds, judging from the horror stories here. While I of course want it for me, I know I could use seeing more positive outcomes here and hope I can provide one some day.
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RE i liove you but not in love with you
man your story is just like mine, she would give me sex too but the last 2 months it has felt like rape for me and her.
i too believe my wife is not looking for that in a relationship, she wants just to feel loved and wanted for who she is. whats sad is she is only 34 and after a couple of kids has wieght issues which i never said a word about. as well as some depression problems.
before we were married she was a social fiend, she loved just being around everyone as much as possible.
we got married and that changed, not because i said nomore she just never wanted it again until recently.
after 12 years of marriage she wants to be able to go anywhere she wants for as longs as she wants and nevermind me and the kids.
i pray you and i both beat the odds that are against us, but like you i am discouraged by what i read here.+
be strong and work on your own issues, we can can only change ourselves.
Wish I knew what to say
It sounds a bit different than what I'm going through in that we have no kids involved and the only real weight issues with my wife are in her mind.
However, it's similar in the fear of aging and need for assurance that they are desirable. In my case, it's so odd because so many people constantly compliment her that I wouldn't believe she could have issues. But such is her outright fear of aging. She openly says she'd rather be dead than get old, not something you want to hear when you always imagined getting old together.
But there's also a thing with her where it doesn't matter what I say about her looks, I'm her husband and she thinks I view her differently and would find her attractive no matter what, so it doesn't count.
I think you're going through that with your wife and I have no idea how to solve that problem.
All I can say is it seems the best way to work with their feelings is to find ways to reconnect as you and her rather than dad and mother. I know the "dates" we've gone on upon the recommendation of a counselor have done some reminding of why we're together in the first place. If it's possible to do that (I know you have kids), it could help satisfy some of her need to get out while being supportive of the two of you as a couple.
It's likely that she needs to get away from you and the children because she feels burdened down, but, if she's willing to compromise it could fill both of your needs.
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