I still don't have a career and I still struggle with feelings of being left out. I believe those are issues dealt to me because of the personality that got dealt me.

But the mood is improving. You might not know it to see me, because It got so I cry a little every day and then I feel better. Except, I haven't cried any tears today, and the first moments of the morning when I woke up, I felt a return of a sense of optimism and zest. (Then I had to get up and it was gone--ha ha!) It was so very nice to have a sunny feeling!

Here's the thing, though. I started reading about ego. Eckhart Tolle's new book about a New World, Finding Your Purpose in Life has been really good to me, especially because our local library has A Course In Miracles on CD and I've been listening avidly to it. I started listening to THAT because I was feeling so desolate. At the end of last spring I had decided not to believe in God anymore. No second coming, no Christ, nothing like that. If we mess up the earth, we just have to live in it. Cut to last month. I was walking the dogs, crying, and then I thought, "I need God." I felt better.

I don't want to push faith. I don't like it when people do that. All I wanted to do was have a belief that there is something whole, unchanging, real. As opposed to my own turmoil.

All this reading has given me insight. I've always known I had quite an ego, but I didn't understand it. I'm finding "stuff" inside me. I've got "stuffing," I guess.

Now what I'm trying not to do is go, "Oh, cool. I have all this understanding. I've got the best understanding EVER and so NOW I'm better than everyone else."
More like, I'm trying to see the health in everyone. And in myself.

So...this is a whole ugly process. Like Ringo Starr said, "It just ain't easy."