I'm in my MC also. I've been a housewife; someone who, as Anonymous said, "doesn't work." In other words, I've been taking care of the house and family. It's time for me to get work started. What that will be, I don't know yet.

I became aware I was hitting it hard when I started hating my husband. Long story short, I was like an engine misfiring. I needed to take that agression and turn it into torque for my own drive.

I've only been aware of this for about a week. I still feel raw, freshly torn, and sad off and on. But I've become acutely aware of other people more now. I hope to keep this up. I've also started to realize we don't get do-overs.

In hating my husband, I wanted to go out, be bad, have an affair. But then I realized that all men would have bad breath in the morning and fart. And anyway, if I'm going to leave I have to have a career firmly started and my youngest up and out. That will take 4 years.

Meanwhile, in growing up it seems the capacity and the ability to love grows stronger if you let the death of your youth happen. I'm not saying I've completely done it, "...but then again, I'd never lost at love before..." and now I've lost a lot.

In stories and songs, I now appreciate tragedy more. I accept what's happening. Kind of. It sucks. But I'm hoping for great rewards in depth and insight. I hope.