Just to clarify--I didn't expect anyone to "fix" anything. That would be an unfair and unrealistic expectation for strangers in cyberspace.

It was gratifying to get my feelings out without being interrupted, told I'm wrong, walked out on, etc.

The big problem I've run into over and over again is that no one ever listens to me or takes my feelings seriously, and it doesn't matter if I whisper or yell, if I'm polite or nasty, diplomatic or blunt. My so-called loved ones act as if I'm invisible and insignificant. That's the problem.

So thank you for not yanking it and adding to my feelings of invisibility and insignificance.

As for the person who said I like being a victim--no I don't. I hate it. If I liked being harmed I wouldn't keep begging people to stop harming me.

So I like being victim. So I guess I "asked for it" when I was raped as a 16 y/o virgin, and I guess I enjoyed having my nose broken 3 times (never treated) before age 12. I'll have to remind myself of how much fun I'm having the next time I have flashbacks, nightmares or uncontrollable crying fits.

Regarding my kids, I go to great lengths to insulate them from what I am feeling and experiencing. I have worked very hard to keep them from having the type of childhood I did. I've told my oldest very clearly that whatever problems I have are mine, and they are not her fault, versus my mother who explicitly blamed us kids for everything wrong in her life.

As for professional help, I spent literally years in therapy and I'd been stable on medication for many years. My symptoms started about 3 weeks ago, when my psychiatrist decided to change ALL of his patients over to drug X, even though what I had been taking was working beautifully. (How's that for personalized health care). I think what my doctor prescribed is literally making me crazy. After I take my RX, I feel very angry and agitated for about 6 hrs. Right now I took it about 8 hrs ago so I feel better.

I have an appt with a new psychiatrist Monday morning.
I have an appt with my Ob-Gyn about the menopause stuff Tuesday morning. And I have an appt with a therapist Wednesday afternoon.

I just turned 43, I'm not young anymore, I'm menopausal. I know I'll never turn heads like I did 20 yrs ago. I have 2 kids and my youngest is showing signs of ADHD & hyperactivity. She will likely have special needs due to her prematurity. And I have a pullman car full of baggage. I'm realistic. On the dating scene I'd be as marketable as a 15 yr old chevy lumina with 110,000 miles on it and it was rebuilt after a total loss.

My husband is still as thick as a brick and he still thinks he's been the model husband but Rome wasn't built in a day. Thing is, he won't budge an inch unless he thinks I'm halfway out the door.