I think this subject can be very difficult to talk about exactly because most of us didn't completely choose this life for ourselves. And while that's probably true of everyone at middle age -- who predicted precisely where they would be at this point in their lives? -- for single women, there is such a stigma attached, the idea that no one wants us or we wouldn't be single. I'm not saying that this is what I believe, I'm saying that's the fear. And while some women consciously decide not to have children, I think more women who don't have children don't consciously make that choice, but it is thrust upon them by circumstances.

I too have a hard time sorting out which of my life circumstances were of my own making and which were just life happening to me. It took me a long time to learn to have healthy relationships, and I never wanted to have the unhealthy ones that seemed to be available to me. By the time I learned to have healthy relationships, most people were at the family-oriented stage of life and already had kids of their own. I've just always been a bit out of synch that way. I also practically raised my youngest brother, and felt in some ways that when I left my family of origin, I was free to do what I wanted -- as if I hit mid-life in my late teens!

I have to say that part of me likes the "invisibility" of being a middle-aged women. I was never comfortable with cat calls and sexual intimidation -- not that anyone is -- and I found that a major downside of being young. Now I feel like I can be who I am, do what I want, and people just aren't judging me or if they are, I don't really care. I think of it as a kind of freedom.

Although I didn't set out to be single and childless, I do think there were elements of choice along the way and I'd like to be able to embrace my place in life now, which is why I enjoy talking with other women (and men) who have wound up in this place and hearing about how they're dealing with it, what's important to them, how they are finding meaning in their lives. Since I took up blogging and talking here about these issues, I'm feeling better. I'm feeling like lives such as ours are as valid and meaningful as anyone else's, and I like the idea of documenting some elements of my life and finding that I'm not alone.

--Catherine
http://ourladyofperfection.blogspot.com