You deserve credit for being a good daughter and trying to be attentive and caring toward your mom.

But what jumped out at me in your post is the fact that Dad drinks heavily, began at the age of 8, was the child of an alcoholic, and criticizes your mother because she does not drink.

I am a former alcoholism counselor who is now a journalist. I haven't had a drink in 20 years. I began to drink when I was 13 and stopped when I was 28. My parents were both alcoholics, and I consider myself to be in recovery from my own drinking, and the chaos that their drinking produced in my childhood.

You should know that the child of an alcoholic is 50% more likely than the child of a social drinker to be an alcoholic. You should also understand that anyone who began drinking at the age of 8, like your dad, or 13, like me, is likely to abuse alcohol and, eventually, become an alcoholic.

It's really tempting to think that your Dad's drinking is normal because he doesn't use it to cope with life. But honestly, it doesn't matter what the reason is for his drinking, or whether he has any reason at all. The point is he drinks too much. It seems to me that the elephant in the living room is that it is highly likely that he is an alcoholic, and your mom is reacting quite naturally to the fact that your Dad is the one with another relationship in his life -- the one he has with alcohol -- to the point that he resents your mom for not joining him in his "relationship." Who wouldn't develop an attraction to someone else?

I would explore the ramifications of your Dad's drinking with your mom, and see if there is anything she wants to do about it -- whether that includes intervening in his drinking, which is quite intimidating and would require some help, or going to al-anon herself.

You're wonderful to put so much time into helping your Mom. Good luck to both of you.

mojo