I was looking at our stats package and was wondering what was getting so many page views and then read your post. I think that people's reaction is the same as mine. A feeling of 'yikes' and then being at a loss for words on what to suggest.

First off, I'm impressed with your assessment of the situation. Your mother seeks something that she isn't getting out of her marriage and uses an ill-advised comment from your dad to justify it. She confuses the attention she is getting and the infatuation with this man as love. This is understandable because just about everyone else makes that mistake at some point in their life. Fortunately she has you to hopefully steer her clear of making an enormous mistake with her life.

But what do you do?

A couple of thoughts come to mind and you will have to decide which are appropriate for your situation.

1. I would try and keep the path of communication open between you and her. If she shuts you out then you lose the ability to guide her through this period. People whose lives are in flux will sometimes shop around until they find someone who will agree with them. They'll dump old friend and turn to new 'friends' who just tell them what they want to hear. You need to be the counterbalance to that potential. Emphasize that you love her no matter what and that you hope she will keep communicating with you even if you say something that she does not agree with.

2. The 'good news,' if that term isn't completely inappropriate int this case, is that you are right, this person isn't her soul mate--since soul mates don't cheat with married women. She will figure this out and the problem with infatuation is that it doesn't last. When that seemingly happy fog that makes people giddy dissipates, then they are able to see the cracks, flaws and issues with the person that they thought was so perfect. But the infatuation with the new person can stick around enough that a person can do real and lasting harm to themselves and to their marriage. So the trick is damage control while someone is in a period of confusion.

3. You might want to tell her that she needs to separate the reasons that she has started cheating from the actual cheating. It's okay to feel the things she is feeling and to want to change and improve one's life. In fact this is healthy. If she is unhappy with her marriage, herself or anything else then she can use what has happened as a wakeup call to tackle those. And she doesn't have to tackle them alone. You can help her as can counseling. You and her could agree to work together to get your father into counseling as well.

That said she just might look at you, give you a knowing smile, and say "But I'm happy for the first time in years."

Of course not everyone having midlife dissatisfaction cheats, but it is easy to see why someone might grab on to something that makes them feel appreciated, young, etc. People like attention, excitement, and (um) other things that come with an affair. But as you noted these are short-term attributes of something that can cause long-term regret.

I think the goal should be to get her to tackle all of the reasons she found herself open to straying but to do so in a manner that is more constructive than the one she has chosen. How to do this is the million dollar question. Counseling is highly recommended. If she doesn't want to go with her husband, then she should go alone.

You should know that many affairs in middle age have nothing to do with the usual midlife crisis. Rather, they are the result of placing low value on the relationship, and poor bonding with one's spouse. I took this from this post that you might find helpful. Is My Spouse Cheating Because Of A Midlife Crisis?

Here is a post on marriage counseling: Counseling can work

If you haven't read it, here is our most comprehensive post on midlife crisis

Please note that we've talked exclusively about your mother. Your dad is going to have to do his part. You mentioned that he is a heavy drinker and we could go on and on about that, but I'm sure you know the issues there and that they will have to be addressed regardless of what happens with his wife (your mom). It's entirely possible that he feels the similar dissatisfaction with his life but has turned to the bottle instead of another person. Regardless, this situation will have to be part of whatever gets worked out.

Hopefully they will both realize that they can adopt a healthy response to the situation instead of the destructive behaviors they are each now pursuing. If they do and resolve whatever it was that put them on their paths, they might find themselves in a very good place and better positioned to enjoy the next phase of their life.

Thank you for sharing and please let us know what transpires so we can all learn from your experiences. We've learned that for every person that writes a comment or post at least 100 more people go "that's what's happening to me!".

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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