Dear AME,

I was really glad to hear that your situation has improved, that's wonderful for you both..

don't let the opportunity to address the communication issues slip by... the ability to talk openly in a relationship is key.

by putting your husband up on a pedestal of praise you may have made him feel that your love for him was dependent upon him mantaining that lofty position in your eyes, and if he had any thoughts about things which did not fit with that golden boy image. then he no doubt felt very much like he was living a lie. having to maintain a code of conduct which was not truly who he is inside, would eventually lead to a build up of frustration and resentment in him.

Is your husband aware of your "trust demons"? where they come from and how much they effect you at times.. if he isn't you should make a point of making sure he understands.. it would certainly make him feel better to know that you to have issues that you wrestle with. as far as bringing up the topic of how you came across this BDSM info, and his "privacy" reaction... it would probably be much easier if he felt that it's not that you do not trust "him" specifically, but rather that you have problems with trust in general, resulting from your past. You never know, he no doubt has put you up on a pedestal as well, and feels uncomfortable around someone who is so perfect... even if those thoughts are of his own making, they still effect his perception of your relationship...

he may be making all kinds of assumptions about you that are not accurate and you may be doing the same to him, because you have never been able to talk about certain topics openly... in the absence of direct information we all fill in the gaps with our own assumptions, and they are frequently innacurate.

so it would probably help you both a lot to seek out someone who can help you with the communication thing..

and if you do not feel comforable talking to the first therapist or counsellor you try, simply find another, therapy is all about rapport between all parties involved, if you don't have it with one counsellor it doesn't mean they are bad or a failure, just not the right one for you..

No I am not a therapist, although at one time i wanted to be, I have an undergraduate degree in psychology, but never pursued it beyond that point.

good luck to you both, it sounds as if things for you are headed in a positive direction

from
Away