you have gotten a lot of feedback on your question and all of it seems correct to one degree or another. however it may not all be as bleek as it is made out to be.

yes the idea of your husband going to Thailand to engage in this, and doing it behind your back is unpleasant, it would be for anyone that is in love, and the medical risks mentioned above are very real. no doubt if he is an intelligent man he knows this himself, and probably stuggles with those issues. however he may feel that he has no other option but to approach the topic in this fashion. if what you have said about him is true, and he is such a proud person, then i would imagine he is on one hand mortified by his own fantasies, and the idea of sharing them with you seems to him to be completely out of the question. however on the other hand he may deeply desire to explore this aspect of his sexuality within your marriage and with the woman he loves, but just feels that it would be so repugnant to you that he is not willing to take the risk of losing your love.

you on the other hand have come by this knowledge in a way which now prevents you from addressing the situation for fear of his reaction to the invasion of his privacy. this puts you in a difficult position. I would imagine you want to talk to him about it but cannot think of away to bring up the BDSM topic.

the bottom line (in my opinion) is that you are both hiding behind a facade of what constitutes a healthy married relationship, that most likely is the result of growing up in a culture that tells us all from the time we are very young, what "normal" is and what "perverted" is.

In reality there are very few things sexually which are truely perverted unless they involve one person being an unwilling participant, such as people who have a sexual interest in children, or any relationship where one party is dealing from a position of power and the other feels the influence of that power, (like the recent scandals in the religious community). anything which takes place between two consulting adults simply because they both find it "enjoyable" is simply an expression of their intimacy.

in my opinion the biggest problem you both seem to having is Trust, neither of you truly trust that the other person is willing to accept them as they are.

I must address one statement you made in your original post, that being that you felt part of the allure of this "concept" for your husband was the idea of "getting away with it behind your back". this sounds very much like a statement from someone who has been victimized in the past, and carries a deep fear that it will happen again. I can't say for sure, but i would be willing to bet that you are "very wrong" in that statement. I would imagine that deep down inside your husband wishes that his "mistress" could be YOU. as a matter of fact if what you said about your relationship and how "you both thought you would never meet someone so perfect" is true, I would be willing to "bet the farm" he wishes it was you..

So the problem you would seem to have right now is how to effectively deal with this..

I would agree with one previous poster get some counseling. you sound like you both need to start communicating "honestly" and "openly" about all of your thoughts, including the less "socially acceptable" ones.. I would imagine that you as a woman of 52 have your own fantasies, but have never been able to express them... life is too short to let society and the mass media tell you what constitutes a "proper life".

do some research on the internet into sexuality and you will find that is not all porn..

find a way to bring up the topic of sexuality and some of it's less socially acceptable expressions and you may be surprised by his reaction. the only thing i would warn is that you need to allow him to feel this is a topic you "want" to talk about not one you feel obligated to talk about...

do an internet seach on "elise sutton" and it will at least give you a starting point to undertand what is going on. no doubt much of what you find will be more extreme than even you or your husband are looking for, but somewhere in the info you will come across a common ground that might just work for you both...

good luck, relationships are not easy, but yours sounds like a good one, and it would be shame to let that slip away.

I'll watch to see if you respond

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